The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Mike Litoris · 22-05-2015 10:25pm

The scene is set- a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, One from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.
Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous. The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'.

Hansie from Seth Efrika (who typically can't stand to be bettered) said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'.

Colin, the Tough Australian, remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

witzky · 23-05-2015 12:36am

whiskeyman wrote: »

^^

To add:

What's the German for constipation?

Farfrompoopin

Can't resist..

What's the German for virgin?

NiceAnTiteIn

Hagar7 · 23-05-2015 11:03am

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."

Hagar7 · 23-05-2015 11:05am

What gets longer when pulled...............

Fits between your boobs..............

Inserts neatly in a hole, and

Works best when jerked..................... ???

A SEAT BELT you perverts.!!!

Hagar7 · 23-05-2015 11:08am

The Pastor's Donkey

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races. The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline:
NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for €10. The next day the headlines read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR €10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Alas ... The Bishop was buried the next day.

Mulumpy · 23-05-2015 10:02pm

Yo' Mama so fat, when she walked past the TV i missed three episodes

Capt'n Midnight · 24-05-2015 12:46am

Yo mama's so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.

Hagar7 · 24-05-2015 11:01am

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Yo mama's so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.

Boomerang you say,eh?
Did anyone ever tell you that I'm the toughest guy in Glasgow.....when I threw my boomerang up in the air it was so scared of me it never came back.:eek:

blade1 · 24-05-2015 11:20am

Hagar7 wrote: »

Boomerang you say,eh?
Did anyone ever tell you that I'm the toughest guy in Glasgow.....when I threw my boomerang up in the air it was so scared of me it never came back.:eek:

What do you call a Boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick!

dinneenp · 24-05-2015 10:34pm

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

2 men were arrested, one for stealing batteries and swallowing them, the other for stealing fireworks and shoving them up his @rse

The first was charged, the second was let off

2 knackers/southerners/insert minority groups you wish were walking fine a road. A car ploughed into them, I've sent through the windscreen, the other flew into a ditch.
In court one was fine for break and entry, the other for leaving the scene of the crime.

murpho999 · 24-05-2015 10:35pm

Dwarves and Midgets.

They have very little in common.

24-05-2015 10:40pm

dinneenp wrote: »

2 knackers/southerners/insert minority groups you wish were walking fine a road. A car ploughed into them, I've sent through the windscreen, the other flew into a ditch.
In court one was fine for break and entry, the other for leaving the scene of the crime.

Google translate fail. :pac:

Ken. · 25-05-2015 1:39am

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for
the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish
wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget
all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never
lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you
up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that
hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgement. As the match
started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other
several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the
Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping
him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of
disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried
his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He
couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a
cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just
in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His
back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on
top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler
alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No
one has ever done it before!'

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he
got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my
eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my
face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of
strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just
as hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite
your own nuts.

Hagar7 · 25-05-2015 6:48pm

Three Englishmen are in a pub and spot an Irishman at the bar. The first one says he's going to p*ss him off. So he walks over to the Irishman, taps him on the shoulder and says "Hey Paddy, I hear your St.Patrick was a poof."

"Oh really? Hmm, I didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walks back to his buddies. "I told him St.Patrick was a poof and he didn't care!"

"You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn" says his friend. So this second Englishman walks over and taps the Irishman on the shoulder.

"Hey Paddy, I hear your St.Patrick was a transvestite poof!"

"Begorra, I didn't realise that either! Cheers pal." Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman goes back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakeable!"

But the the third Englishman says "No, no, no, I'll really p*ss him off, you just watch."

So he wanders over to the Irishman, taps him on the shoulder and says "Hey Paddy boy, I hear your St.Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Ahem,so yer mates were sayin...."

Hagar7 · 25-05-2015 7:02pm

I bought the wife a new bag and belt for her birthday.

The hoover works prefectory now.

JK82 · 25-05-2015 7:14pm

Stoke vs Liverpool yesterday!

byrner88 · 26-05-2015 1:15am

I just swapped our bed for a trampoline.

My wife hit the roof!

kfallon · 26-05-2015 10:25am

Was in a restaurant last night, I was tempted to send back to the chef my 'Fish in a herb sauce'......

.....but I wasn't sure if it was the thyme or the plaice!

daesal · 26-05-2015 1:59pm

byrner88 wrote: »

I just swapped our bed for a trampoline.

My wife hit the roof!

Who's trampoline?
Seamus O'Leans destitute son.

What's trampoline?
Stuff they use t clean hobos.

Where's trampoline?
Normally against a lampout.

Sorry
Sorry
Sorry

TheChevron · 26-05-2015 3:18pm

daesal wrote: »

Who's trampoline?
Seamus O'Leans destitute son.

What's trampoline?
Stuff they use t clean hobos.

Where's trampoline?
Normally against a lampout.

Sorry
Sorry
Sorry

They used to call them jumpolines til' yore ma hopped on one.

Reiver · 26-05-2015 8:07pm

It's kind of a funny story, really. I served two tours in Vietnam but was MIA, presumed dead after my patrol was ambushed near the Cambodian border. After five years in a secret P.O.W. camp, I was sold to China for slave labour. And since '77 I've been making runners at gunpoint in a sweatshop in Boo-Haun. Well, I guess you had to be there.

Hagar7 · 27-05-2015 11:14pm

Warning,do not try having phone sex,you will end up with hearing aids.

chewed · 28-05-2015 3:20pm

Two Irishmen walk into a pub...

hand in hand.

MonkieSocks · 28-05-2015 6:46pm

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and,

As she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says,

"For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.

Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says,

"For the sake of decency, here's €20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.

The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,

"Well, fer the love 'o Jasus,'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

rolliepoley · 28-05-2015 8:31pm

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in Starbuck's
one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes, the Greek guy says, 'Well, we
Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.

The Scotsman then replies, 'Well, it was the Scots
that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'

The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to
advanced mathematics.'

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Scots
were the ones who built the first timepieces and
calendars.'

And so on, until the Greek comes up with what he
thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of
finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who
invented sex!'

The Scotsman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but
it was we Scots who introduced it to women.'

rolliepoley · 28-05-2015 8:59pm

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park
Bench one morning.The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even Short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him
What he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
Energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was
Looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the
3rd loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied,
"I can't believe it, everybody knows about this **** but me."

Hotblack Desiato · 29-05-2015 10:30pm

Q. Who is the patron saint of porn actresses?

A. Our Lady of Perpetual Succour

Reiver · 30-05-2015 12:21am

rolliepoley wrote: »

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park
Bench one morning.The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even Short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him
What he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
Energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was
Looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the
3rd loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied,
"I can't believe it, everybody knows about this **** but me."

I don't get it.

PM me nudes · 30-05-2015 1:08am

What was wrong with the 9 year old African child?

He was going through his mid-life crisis.

Comer1 · 30-05-2015 10:15am

Reiver wrote: »

I don't get it.

She was referring to the loafs going stale, he thought she was talking about his dick.

Jesus, I've also just had to explain it to my six year old daughter.

Hagar7 · 30-05-2015 10:30am

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.

The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,

"Well, fer the love 'o Jasus,'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

Jings n crivvens,has Jock been taking lessons in Irish lingo.

blade1 · 30-05-2015 10:43am

Comer1 wrote: »

She was referring to the loafs going stale, he thought she was talking about his dick.

Jesus, I've also just had to explain it to my six year old daughter.

That's just so wrong!!:pac:

eisenberg1 · 30-05-2015 11:06am

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Q. Who is the patron saint of porn actresses?

A. Our Lady of Perpetual Succour

G'wan, admit it, you made that one up yourself.

Happyman42 · 30-05-2015 11:38am

eisenberg1 wrote: »

G'wan, admit it, you made that one up yourself.

I bet he was watching coverage of Bill's funeral when he thought of it too!

I loved the idea that Bill was buried from the 'Church of Our Lady of Perpetual Succour'

MonkieSocks · 30-05-2015 10:31pm

A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie.

The ticket agent asked,"Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said,"That’s my pet rooster chuck. Wherever I go, chuck goes."

"I’m sorry sir," said the ticket agent.

"We can't allow animals in the theatre."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed chuck down his overalls.

Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theatre.

He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm.

The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"what?" said marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked marge?

"He undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it", said marge... "At our age we've seen 'em all"

"i thought so too", said Mildred,

"But this one's eating' my popcorn!"

Capt'n Midnight · 30-05-2015 11:03pm

In the aftermath of the recent scandals, Sepp Blatter has claimed he knows how to fix FIFA.

He couldn't have worded that better if he'd tried.

Reiver · 31-05-2015 12:06am

Comer1 wrote: »

She was referring to the loafs going stale, he thought she was talking about his dick.

Jesus, I've also just had to explain it to my six year old daughter.

Does it actually work? I knew rye bread was healthy for you but that seems mental!

witzky · 31-05-2015 12:47am

Reiver wrote: »

Does it actually work? I knew rye bread was healthy for you but that seems mental!

Seriously...??

Busted Flat. · 31-05-2015 4:17pm

In the aftermath of the FIFA arrest's, a journalists was quoted as saying "I can't believe it's not Blatter"

byrner88 · 02-06-2015 1:53am

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

MonkieSocks · 02-06-2015 4:47pm

Police have confirmed that two Premiership footballers have had their houses burgled on the same night last Tuesday.

Ryan Giggs had 70 welsh caps, 10 premiership medals, 2 champions league medals, 5 FA cup
medals, 1 league cup medal, 2 world clubcup medals, 8 charity shield medals and 1 super cup medal stolen.

Emmanuel Adebayor lost a kettle and a toaster.

Samaris · 02-06-2015 9:29pm

Funkfield wrote: »

My sperm count is so high my girlfriend has to chew before swallowing.

:cool:

Reading through this thread while eating my dinner, which happens to include prawn in marie rose sauce. Did really not need a mouthful of that when I read that joke...

Hagar7 · 02-06-2015 11:10pm

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Police have confirmed that two Premiership footballers have had their houses burgled on the same night last Tuesday.

Ryan Giggs had 70 welsh caps, 10 premiership medals, 2 champions league medals, 5 FA cup
medals, 1 league cup medal, 2 world clubcup medals, 8 charity shield medals and 1 super cup medal stolen.

Emmanuel Adebayor lost a kettle and a toaster.

A wee bit,och okay,a big bit off topic,Steven Gerrard played over 500 games for Liverpool and never won a league medal,Henrik Larsson played 7 games for Manchester United and won a league medal....it's a funny old game,eh.

MonkieSocks · 03-06-2015 3:32pm

A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.

The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'

rolliepoley · 09-06-2015 7:51pm

I was going to tell a gay joke........butt fcuk it.

Hagar7 · 09-06-2015 9:44pm

If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

Hagar7 · 09-06-2015 9:47pm

My wife said to me this morning 'I heard you dreaming about sex last night. You were groaning somebodys name and it wasn't mine'

Oh God I thought. I was just about to start groveling when she said 'who the hell is Jenny?'

So I made some crap up to keep myself in the clear.

That was a close shave. Thank fook she doesn't know it was Jeremy.

AndThatsAFact · 09-06-2015 10:02pm

A woman visits her doctor complaining of a strange feeling in her lower stomach. The doctor examines her and states;
"Well, I can tell you that you'll need to be buying lots of nappies and get used to sleepness nights of crying in about nine months time."
"Am I pregnant? O my husband is going to be thrilled!!!! We've been trying for soooooo Long!!! That is wonderful news."
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.''you've bowel cancer."

AndThatsAFact · 09-06-2015 10:21pm

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her ****ing appendix out!"

MonkieSocks · 09-06-2015 11:48pm

Lost in a supermarket a little girl does as her mummy has always told her and goes to the customer service desk.

"I've lost my mummy!!!" she wails through floods of tears

"Oh dear, tell me, what's your mummy like?" says the concerned assistant

"Big Cocks and Vodka"

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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