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19-08-2010, 18:18   #1861
major bill
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do you reckon joseph fritzel goes around prison saying larry murphy jokes??
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20-08-2010, 10:02   #1862
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My girlfriend is so bad in bed, I close my eyes and pretend she's my hand
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24-08-2010, 13:18   #1863
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What did the prostitute say when she got out of the psychiatrists shower?
Well, that's another load off of my chest!
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26-08-2010, 11:38   #1864
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couple of bob monkhouse gems..

"I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers."

"I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance. "
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27-08-2010, 14:08   #1865
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I just rang the council to complain about the size of my wheelie bin. You couldnt swing a cat in it.
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27-08-2010, 14:12   #1866
I'm already a demon...
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I'd love to do an Iron Man Triathalon. I think I'd be alright at the running, just not sure about the flying and shooting lasers
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27-08-2010, 15:27   #1867
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"I was working late in the Carphone warehouse last night when my daughter text me."


"As I sped home I couldn't help but think.......What the hell does 'ternative' mean??"
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30-08-2010, 16:38   #1868
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What do Gynaecologist and a Pizza Delivery Boy have in common?

They're both close enough to smell it but could get fired for eating it.
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31-08-2010, 19:57   #1869
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Anyone else getting fed up hearing about this big drill that they're using to rescue the trapped miners in Chile?

It's boring.
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02-09-2010, 16:43   #1870
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You were so ugly as a kid, your Ma had to tie a pork chop round yer kneck so the dog would play with ye
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03-09-2010, 09:48   #1871
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Why did god invent dominos pizza?

To punish humanity for its complacency in allowing the holocaust to happen

-Neil Hamburger, last night
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03-09-2010, 13:16   #1872
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A black man approached me and said, "Can you tell me how to get to the train station, please?"

I said, "Certainly, monkey face. You go past the jerk chicken, around the grape soda and, Muhammad's your cotton-picker, it's opposite the watermelon."

As I lay here in hospital, I'm thinking to myself, "That's the last time I eat those ****ing Rowntree's Randoms!"
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05-09-2010, 22:43   #1873
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What did the epileptic Scotsman get for Christmas?

A Wii fit!!

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12-09-2010, 23:24   #1874
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What do you get when you cross the Queen and Prince Phillip ?

Killed in a tunnel.
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13-09-2010, 10:15   #1875
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I remember watching Wayne Rooney in the world cup and thinking, you fat head you couldn’t score in a brothel.

Just shows how much I know about football.
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