Heineken Sales Down As Dickheads Migrate To Craft Beers

Links234 · 22-10-2014 5:19pm #1

http://waterfordwhispersnews.com/2014/10/22/heineken-sales-down-as-dickheads-migrate-to-craft-beers/

“You wouldn’t be caught within a minge hair’s breath of that old ****e anymore. I’m talk of the town with the lads now because I’ve discovered the key to this craft beer lark,” offered reformed ex-Heineken drinker Jack Dooley-Forde-O’Loughlin-Ahern, “you just find the most German sounding ****ing yoke on the shelf or behind the bar and the lads think you’re like, up to speed on all things beer”.

:pac:

The One Doctor · 22-10-2014 5:21pm

To be fair, Heineken is piss, warm or cold. My default is O'Hara's Ale.

RayCon · 22-10-2014 5:23pm

Heineken’s main competition for dickhead affection is now light wheat beer Von Karldüsselfranschhause which is served in a 3ft wide glass to accommodate its long name.

:pac:

Links234 · 22-10-2014 5:24pm

The One Doctor wrote: »

To be fair, Heineken is piss, warm or cold. My default is O'Hara's Ale.

Ah! Look, we've found one! :pac:

Seriously though, O'Hara's red is damned good stuff

daveyeh · 22-10-2014 5:24pm

The One Doctor wrote: »

To be fair, Heineken is piss, warm or cold. My default is O'Hara's Ale.

True.

But I'm sick of listening to craft beer gob****es ****eing on about how great the alternatives (and by extension themselves) are.

**** off.

Iwasfrozen · 22-10-2014 5:24pm

I like Heineken...

Soft Falling Rain · 22-10-2014 5:26pm

I'll stick to the bulmers.

somesoldiers · 22-10-2014 5:28pm

any craft beer I have tasted was muck, some from Trim in some place on Dorset street, a few in Brew Dock on Amiens Street, wouldn't be rushing back to either place and only went in coz of a work thing- or maybe I just have no taste

Beefy78 · 22-10-2014 5:28pm

I still drink Heineken mainly but it is nice to have the choice of a few drinks other than that, Corrs, Guinness or Budweiser. Hopefully more dickheads migrate to craft beers if it means more choice for all of us.

brevity · 22-10-2014 5:28pm

Ah Heineken is alright and I'd say that as someone who enjoys his craft/import beers.

First Up · 22-10-2014 5:29pm

Ireland's answer to The Onion. Very funny.

However the new craft beers are great and a huge improvement on the mass produced stuff.

The Healthy Rapist · 22-10-2014 5:35pm

Anything by Galway bay is gorgeous.

TwoShedsJackson · 22-10-2014 5:36pm

Soft Falling Rain wrote: »

I'll stick to the bulmers.

Always handy for clearing intestinal blockages alright.

AnonoBoy · 22-10-2014 5:37pm

"Heineken? F*ck that sh*t.

Gimme Pabst Blue Ribbon"

Pabst is p*ss. Ugh. Watery.

Idbatterim · 22-10-2014 5:40pm

I switched away from Heineken Coors etc, after the price of them were hiked up to ridiculous levels v a few years ago in the supermarkets, switched to an Aldi own brand, actually tastes better and is only E1.05 per can... And if a spoons opens close to me, even if they served anything Diageo, I wouldnt buy it...

“You wouldn’t be caught within a minge hair’s breath of that old ****e anymore. I’m talk of the town with the lads now because I’ve discovered the key to this craft beer lark,” offered reformed ex-Heineken drinker Jack Dooley-Forde-O’Loughlin-Ahern, “you just find the most German sounding ****ing yoke on the shelf or behind the bar and the lads think you’re like, up to speed on all things beer”.

the name is class, very Ross O'Caroll Kelly esque writing, hilarious!

positron · 22-10-2014 6:19pm

I have had about a dozen pints in my entire life (may not be entirely accurate) and even I know wheat beers in general are much nicer to drink. Erdinger, Pualaner or Aldi's best Schofferhofer.

If Heineken think folks are going for craft stuff to appear "cool", they should rename their beer to 'Pferd-Pinkeln Licht' or something foreign sounding.

Uriel. · 22-10-2014 6:23pm

Can't beat a pint of 5am Saint
Also gotta love o'Hara's Red.

I will drink Guinness, Smithwick's and McArdles regularly too. Tend not to drink lager unless I have to.

Craft beer is tastier in my opinion.

But whiskey beats all

biko · 22-10-2014 6:25pm

Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps please
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tf3aJx7D7YA

Banjo String · 22-10-2014 6:27pm

Switched from lager to ale a good few years ago

Coopers sparklin ale is a must try for anyone not yet had the pleasure.
O'Haras pale and red are seriously good Stuff too.

The Backwards Man · 22-10-2014 6:27pm

Give me a pub with one branded lager pouring well than one with three dozen craft beers festering in the lines any day of the week.

Bottles are grand, but anyone that drinks craft on draught needs their head examined. And probably their hole too.

castletownman · 22-10-2014 6:28pm

Any beer that comes with a five-minute "education" about it's provenance and origin should be banned for pubs.

Shave those side burns you hippy

Beaner1 · 22-10-2014 6:29pm

Christ that Waterford whispers site is bad. Everything they write is just so obvious and banal.

Molester Stallone II · 22-10-2014 6:39pm

Gorgeous stuff if you can get it!

JohnnyChimpo · 22-10-2014 6:40pm

positron wrote: »

If Heineken think folks are going for craft stuff to appear "cool", they should rename their beer to 'Pferd-Pinkeln Licht' or something foreign sounding.

So Heineken sounds like an Irish name to you

Sir Osis of Liver. · 22-10-2014 6:42pm

Heineken,beer of the Gods.

Dozen Wicked Words · 22-10-2014 6:42pm

Banjo String wrote: »

Switched from lager to ale a good few years ago

Coopers sparklin ale is a must try for anyone not yet had the pleasure.
O'Haras pale and red are seriously good Stuff too.

The aldi Irish ales are the business too, brewed by O'Haras carlow brewing as well aren't they?

The One Doctor · 22-10-2014 6:45pm

Beaner1 wrote: »

Christ that Waterford whispers site is bad. Everything they write is just so obvious and banal.

Yep, it reads like the Independant, but slightly more sensible.

The One Doctor · 22-10-2014 6:45pm

Dozen Wicked Words wrote: »

The aldi Irish ales are the business too, brewed by O'Haras carlow brewing as well aren't they?

Yep.

Banjo String · 22-10-2014 6:47pm

Dozen Wicked Words wrote: »

The aldi Irish ales are the business too, brewed by O'Haras carlow brewing as well aren't they?

They are indeed.

only difference is the %abv in them. but brewed in the exact ssame brewery.

The Domonator · 22-10-2014 6:47pm

A nice chilled bottle of Lech is what does it for me nowadays.

johnnyskeleton · 22-10-2014 6:50pm

Sir Osis of Liver. wrote: »

Heineken,beer of the Gods.

Lucky im an atheist so!

Diabhal Beag · 22-10-2014 7:01pm

WW is made for Joe.ie readers looking for a laugh

Eutow · 22-10-2014 7:05pm

The state of the pint on the left in that picture.

Fratton Fred · 22-10-2014 8:08pm

Why would someone drink a German craft ale to look cool? This country is knocking out some great beers at the moment.

Metalman is my current go to beer, or O'Hara's pale ale. Both gorgeous.

donvito99 · 22-10-2014 8:13pm

Recently switched from lager to Smithwick's. B-e-a-utiful.

yipeeeee · 22-10-2014 8:14pm

donvito99 wrote: »

Recently switched from lager to Smithwick's. B-e-a-utiful.

Only downside is its 3.8%.

CentimoSal · 22-10-2014 8:18pm

I know Waterford Whisper is troll bait - but if this was a real headline - dickheads would probably be replaced with Hipsters...

Let's say Heineken's sales are dropping - they can just do a few popup brands and compete with the craftbeer brands. I'm certain they can adapt to new market trends, if they're not doing that already?

Gamayun · 22-10-2014 8:28pm

Banjo String wrote: »

Switched from lager to ale a good few years ago

Coopers sparklin ale is a must try for anyone not yet had the pleasure.
O'Haras pale and red are seriously good Stuff too.

Picked one of these up from the off license 'Almost expired' bin today for €1 to try. Mainly because it was 5.8 %, which seemed like good value for €1 even if I don't like it *cough,* *not an alcoholic* *cough*

Also picked up a Sri Lankan (!) stout called Lion from there, 8.8 %. It intrigued me, you know, Sri Lanka, stout, lions, that whole connection there.

Son Of A Vidic · 22-10-2014 8:30pm

Sir Osis of Liver. wrote: »

Heineken,beer of the Gods.

Looking at your username, I'm guessing it hasn't done much for your liver.

Value Hunter · 22-10-2014 8:33pm

How will you know if someone drinks craft beers?

Don't worry, they'll tell you

They'll f**king tell you

First Up · 22-10-2014 8:33pm

Fratton Fred wrote: »

Why would someone drink a German craft ale to look cool? This country is knocking out some great beers at the moment.

Metalman is my current go to beer, or O'Hara's pale ale. Both gorgeous.

The craft beer revolution here is a bit like the Campaign for Real Ale in Britain (back in the 1970's) which was a revolt against fizzy crap such as the likes of Watneys Red Barrel and Double Diamond that was forced on the public through the "tied houses" pub ownership system. Beer drinking in Britain today is light years better and it was started by a bunch of sandal wearing, bearded architects who said enough is enough and took on the big boys.
I enjoy Waterford Whisper but in this case, I'm backing the dickheads.

MRnotlob606 · 22-10-2014 8:36pm

It's nice to see the emergence of Craft beards, Why I've grown mine since last winter and its down to my bollócks now

inforfun · 22-10-2014 8:37pm

"Real" Heineken is fine.
The 4,2% version you buy here however.... tastes like nothing.

humbert · 22-10-2014 8:39pm

All I'll say is that they're a far superior drink to meths. The wankers on the street don't drink them because they can't afford them.

dr.bollocko · 22-10-2014 8:47pm

I get spending money on wine. Or whiskey. But every craft beer I've tried was just unpleasant after a few sips.

Sprog 4 · 22-10-2014 8:49pm

The One Doctor wrote: »

To be fair, Heineken is piss, warm or cold. My default is O'Hara's Ale.

catallus · 22-10-2014 8:53pm

Beer is a tool of the food manufacturers. It is there to make you hungry.

Banjo String · 22-10-2014 9:15pm

yipeeeee wrote: »

Only downside is its 3.8%.

Try pale ale or summer ale (smithwicks) both 4.5%. Both pretty decent tipples imo.

major deegan · 22-10-2014 9:19pm

Migrate to any bottled beer rather than drink the warm flat ****e draft they'd horse out to you and charge €5 for it !!

Iranoutofideas · 22-10-2014 9:43pm

It seem like the new thing to "hate on" is Craft Beer and people that like it.

However I have yet to drink with anyone who talks about it endlessly like some people would have you believe. You might get someone suggesting you try a certain beer and say they prefer the taste. Do people get this irate about people that suggest you try a new food?

As for dickheads - the only dickheads I've come across in relation to craft beer are the ones who scoff at it as they prefer to down 12 pints of Heineken or Budweiser. Which is easier to do with low strength bland beer. These are the same types that like to brag about how many pints they had last night with the lads and had no hangover.

I had rather enjoy a craft beer on my own than suffer listening to gob****es like that.

Links234 · 22-10-2014 9:44pm

First Up wrote: »

I enjoy Waterford Whisper but in this case, I'm backing the dickheads.

Ah come on now, I'm a big fan of cask ale, this whole craft beer thing is nothing but good news all round, but we can have a bit of a laugh about it too

Heineken Sales Down As Dickheads Migrate To Craft Beers

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