One-Liner Jokes

xlogo · 16-01-2023 8:11pm

I wouldn't say the wife was fat but she fell down stairs and I thought Eastenders was finishing

barneygumble99 · 16-01-2023 8:30pm

Dad always insisted on switching everything off before he went to bed, which is actually how he died and everyone else in that intensive care ward.

MonkieSocks · 18-01-2023 10:03am

To the person who stole my place in the queue, I’m after you now!

everlast75 · 18-01-2023 11:09am

I had an operation on my funny bone today.

The doctor said I will be in stitches for two weeks.

everlast75 · 18-01-2023 11:10am

Currently stuck at an auction bidding for a house with a lengthy corridor.

I’m in it for the long hall.

Sam Russell · 18-01-2023 7:54pm

Just because most people think you look funny does not make you a comedian.

everlast75 · 18-01-2023 8:23pm

I've got a pet pheasant which I called ABBA because that's the name of the game.

Capt'n Midnight · 18-01-2023 8:35pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120125904#Comment_120125904

"People used to laugh at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing now."

― Bob Monkhouse,

Victor · 19-01-2023 3:58am

Imagine you don't know what 'Uber' or 'Uber Eats' are.

"Uber Eats Driver's Car Stolen at Gunpoint in Northeast DC"

https://www.nbcwashington.com/news/local/uber-eats-drivers-car-stolen-at-gunpoint-in-northeast-dc/3230374/

Uber must be a huge gun-toting, car-eating dog.

MonkieSocks · 19-01-2023 8:19am

How did 37 mathematicians board a bus with only 36 seats?

They carried the one

xlogo · 19-01-2023 12:43pm

Got a fright last night when I was in the bath. I felt a tap on my shoulder.

MonkieSocks · 21-01-2023 7:00am

The company that owns the franchise to Heinz soups in Italy has gone into adminestrone

everlast75 · 21-01-2023 10:21am

What was the name of the irish judge with no balls?

Justice Mickey

barneygumble99 · 21-01-2023 10:56am

I watched this documentary about beavers.

It’s the best dam series I’ve ever watched

Pulled something in my back carrying bags of coal to the shed.

Miner injury.

xlogo · 21-01-2023 12:33pm

My obese parrot died today.

It’s sad news,

But it’s a huge weight off of my shoulders.

MonkieSocks · 22-01-2023 5:34pm

I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scanned it.

xlogo · 23-01-2023 7:56pm

Some friends suggested holding a joint party for the Chinese New Year and Burns Night called ‘Chinese-Burns Night’

I wasn't keen but they twisted my arm...

Banjo Carney · 23-01-2023 11:45pm

I asked my girlfriend what date her birthday was on, she said ' March 1st ,

So I walked around the room and asked her again...

everlast75 · 23-01-2023 11:49pm

My wife said I have to stop making puns of world capitals..

You win some, Jerusalem.

MonkieSocks · 24-01-2023 7:52pm

What if after you die, God asks you: “So how was heaven?”

xlogo · 24-01-2023 8:13pm

Mixed up my sleeping tablets with my Viagra.

Just had 40 w##ks.

everlast75 · 24-01-2023 8:28pm

I've just started up a dating site for chickens.

It's not my main job, I'm just doing it to make hens meet...

everlast75 · 24-01-2023 9:14pm

My dog took a crap and it looked like it had writing on it.

I couldn't decipher it because I can't read sh1t without my glasses.

xlogo · 25-01-2023 2:59pm

I took my 8-year-old daughter to the office on 'Take Your Kid To Work Day' But when we walked in the office she started to cry.

As concerned staff gathered round I asked her what was wrong and she said: "Daddy where are all the clowns you said you work with.”

barneygumble99 · 25-01-2023 6:00pm

I down my first drink as soon as the kids are in school.

Im a bad teacher.

MonkieSocks · 27-01-2023 10:43am

I've started a new business - recycling old chewing gum. I just need some help getting it off the ground.

xlogo · 27-01-2023 10:56am

Scientists say that it may be possible to live on Mars.

I tried it for a month - put on two stones and now I'm diabetic.

Capt'n Midnight · 27-01-2023 7:49pm

Muhammad Ali: Float like a butterfly

Jellyfish: Done.

Muhammad ali: Sting like a Bee

Jellyfish: I am nailing this!

Banjo Carney · 27-01-2023 7:54pm

My girlfriend had a coil fitted and still got pregnant.......

We're expecting a baby in the spring.

everlast75 · 27-01-2023 8:55pm

Just found out I've failed my German exam.

Sacre bleu!

Banjo Carney · 28-01-2023 2:35pm

I saw a homeless guy living in a tyre. I did him a favor and punctured it.

He’s now living in a flat.

Banjo Carney · 28-01-2023 3:43pm

If Minnie Driver had been born in the Netherlands,

would she have been Minnie Van Driver ?

blade1 · 28-01-2023 4:36pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120169740#Comment_120169740

And if she wears a skirt down to her feet, is it still a mini skirt?

MonkieSocks · 29-01-2023 7:23pm

I lent my friend €10,000 to pay for plastic surgery but I can't get my money back because I don't know what he looks like

xlogo · 29-01-2023 7:54pm

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

Now we call him Dr. Awkward.

xlogo · 30-01-2023 11:52am

My uncle set a new world record by getting 22 pigeons to land on him...

What a ledge!

Banjo Carney · 31-01-2023 1:58am

I went to a restaurant last night and the waiter came over and said ' you comfortable '

I replied.. ' no Icomeforfood '

donegal_man · 31-01-2023 9:01pm

I remember an interview with her when she was pregnant and claimed she was going to name her child Laurie.

xlogo · 01-02-2023 10:57am

Welcome to The 2023 Yodelling Championship could all contestants form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

Worztron · 01-02-2023 11:05am

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage. I accidentally texted my wife “I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her.”

everlast75 · 01-02-2023 11:14am

Ive just stolen loads of swimming pool inflatables.

I'd better lilo.

RayCon · 01-02-2023 4:24pm

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?

Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

Banjo Carney · 01-02-2023 8:01pm

My friend has one leg shorter than the other, his nickname is ..Snipers nightmare

MonkieSocks · 02-02-2023 12:42am

What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo ?

One is very heavy, and the other is a little lighter

robwen · 02-02-2023 1:25am

If you were anymore inbred, you'd be a sandwich!

xlogo · 02-02-2023 5:18pm

I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic.

"Oh yes, quite a few", the Librarian said.

"Sorry to hear that", I replied. "They'll all be ruined by now".

xlogo · 03-02-2023 3:45pm

Somebody said my Dad's gay.

Now l'm trying to work out which one.

MonkieSocks · 03-02-2023 9:31pm

My wife is annoyed with me that I never buy her flowers. I didn't even know she sold flowers.

xlogo · 05-02-2023 11:57am

i was walking down a canal path and saw a bloke opposite me... "how do i get to the other side?" i called across... "you are on the other side!" he answered.

xlogo · 05-02-2023 12:10pm

Did my first nude painting yesterday…

The neighbours weren't happy but the front door looks great!

One-Liner Jokes

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