The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Sir Arthur Daley · 02-04-2014 1:28am

A man is leaving for a business trip in about a day, and is leaving his wife behind for a week or so. so he walks into a magic shop, and see's a magic dildo. he asks the owner if he can buy it, and how does it work.

the owner explains: "you say magic dildo, and then where to go"

the owner then says "magic dildo wall" and it flys out of the box, and thrusts the wall.

the man buys it, and takes it home.

He tells his wife to spread her legs and says "magic dildo pussy"
and it flys, ,and his wife starts to moan etc.

he leaves, but doesn't tell her how to stop it, which is, simply saying "magic dildo: box"

this goes on for a day or two, and she takes it, but when she starts driving, she finds it difficult to concentrate and a cop pulls her over as she swerves on the road.

"why are you all over the road, you drunk?" he says

"no officer, i have a magic dildo stuck fcuking me, and it's hard to drive"

the cop then reply's.

"magic dildo my ass!!"

Galway K9 · 02-04-2014 3:20pm

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to Absolute zero in a Freezer?

Hes 0K now.

Hermy · 02-04-2014 3:32pm

bogwalrus wrote: »

Mary Mary Mary lamb
Lamb Mary Mary
Mary lamb Mary lamb
Lamb Mary..........I want to say Brian?

I don't get it???

02-04-2014 9:49pm

Three Jamaican ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for the very first time.

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me on sum hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane.'

Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.
The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dere laying butt-up in a cornfield, dey gonna find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some florescent orange panties.'

'Why you gonna wear dem for?' the others asked. The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis here plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in d ocean, dey can see me first..'

The third lady says 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties... What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.
The third lady says, 'Dat's right, girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearing no panties cos, honey, dey always look for da Black Box first'

irishjig69b · 02-04-2014 9:53pm

Smcgie wrote: »

Saudi Arabia do not sell Flintstone DVD's

but Abu Dhabi do

Pmsl

zoe 3619 · 02-04-2014 11:18pm

How do u arrange a space party?...planet. went to the zoo the other day.only animal was a dog it was a ****zu. .. How do you get 500 cows in a barn. Put up a sign saying bingo.

M5 · 03-04-2014 5:48pm

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally frozen to absolute zero? He is believed to be 0K now!

ah crap, someone beat me to it!

STADEdeLUC · 03-04-2014 5:52pm

''Do you have a Jersey? Im Friesian''

WilyCoyote · 03-04-2014 5:56pm

Galway K9 wrote: »

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to Absolute zero in a Freezer?
Hes 0K now.

Good one

M5 wrote: »

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally frozen to absolute zero? He is believed to be 0K now!
Old one

ah crap, someone beat me to it!

-273 one

WilyCoyote · 03-04-2014 6:04pm

Yankel Goldstein, in his late 80′s and still gainfully employed as a salesman, has been trying unsuccessfully to sell ribbon to Macy’s for many years. Last week he made another attempt to speak to the anti-Semitic buyer.

“Goldstein,” the buyer says,

“You’ve been trying to sell me ribbon for at least 25 years. Ok, so go ahead and send me enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose, to the tip of your penis.”

Three days later, 4 tractor trailers full of yellow ribbon drive up to Macy’s receiving dock.

The ribbon buyer went ballistic. He calls Goldstein and yells,

“What’s going on?!?

I ordered enough ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and you send me 4 truck loads full of ribbon!”

Goldstein replied calmly,

“The tip of my penis is in Poland.”

04-04-2014 10:51pm

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers,

'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1, you have to be single and 2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,

'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, '

That's OK I lied too, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'

byrner88 · 04-04-2014 11:14pm

I had a leak in the roof over my dining room so I called a repairman to take a look at it.

"When did you first notice the leak?" he asked.

"Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

Capt'n Midnight · 05-04-2014 12:57am

A mosquito was heard to complain
That chemists had poisoned her brain.
The cause of her sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
diphenyl-trichloroethane.

Why do Marx and Engels drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.

rolliepoley · 05-04-2014 1:53am

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where St.Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," said Ralph.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're sh**ting in the bed!"

WilyCoyote · 05-04-2014 3:32am

gramar wrote: »

...his fcukin' what????

The boy stood on the Village green
Playing a game of cricket
The ball shot up his trouser leg
And stumped his middle wicket!

ArnoldJRimmer · 05-04-2014 12:46pm

A man is over in Australia and is in a very bad car accident.

He wakes up in hospital the next day. Looking down at himself, he sees that he's in a pretty bad way, and is not quite sure if he's going to make it.

The doctor walks in to check on him, so he asks, 'Doctor, level with me here, did I come here to die?'

And the doctor replies, 'Nah mate, we brought you in yesterday'

rolliepoley · 05-04-2014 1:10pm

Mary Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow
With wizz and e’s and ganja trees and coke as white as snow.

rolliepoley · 06-04-2014 1:03pm

I see there was another disaster in Trinity collage, the library was burned down.
Naturally, the students were very upset…some of the books weren’t even coloured in yet.

TheBegotten · 07-04-2014 12:40am

Mariasofia wrote: »

How do you keep an idiot waiting around?

Ill tell you later

Are you going to tell us or not?

WilyCoyote · 07-04-2014 1:52am

TheBegotten wrote: »

Are you going to tell us or not?

Are you deaf? You heard what she said ........ she'll tell us later!

07-04-2014 7:30am

Mariasofia wrote: »

How do you keep an idiot waiting around?

Waiting around a what?

08-04-2014 7:25am

...A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,

"Wow, she’s fat!”

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet...

A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched

his arms out as far as they would go and announced;

”I'll bet her bum is this wide!"

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"

The little boy yelled out, "run for your life, she's reversing!!"

Rob094 · 08-04-2014 7:20pm

A little boy of around ten or eleven is walking down a road by himself when he comes across a welder's mask on the ground. He picks it up, puts it on and continues on his way.

Shortly a creepy looking man pulls up beside him in a van and beckons the boy to come in which he does without much thought. The man starts up the car and in silence the pair drive away.

After a period of time the man asks; "Hey boy, you ever heard of felacio?". The boy doesn't reply, still wearing his welder's mask.

Shortly after another few moments of silence the man asks; "Ever heard of sodomy?". Again the boy gives no answer.

They don't speak for quite awhile as the man continues to drive before he finally asks; "Boy, y'know what a paedophile is?"

The boy hesitates before replying; "I'm sorry sir but I have to tell you, I'm not really a welder."

08-04-2014 7:46pm

Spare a thought for the guy who told his wife that he was going on a business trip to China on Malaysian flight MH 370 and now can't leave his girlfriend's flat!

Mr Tibbs · 08-04-2014 10:43pm

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Department of Social Welfare to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Department deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SH*T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of Sh*t they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SH*T, please bring this to the attention of your local TD, who has been trained to give you all the SH*T you can handle.

Hermy · 08-04-2014 11:27pm

Deleted User wrote: »

...A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime...

Was still funnier the first time dB.

09-04-2014 7:23am

Hermy wrote: »

Was still funnier the first time dB.

It's all these Australian jokes, you throw them out there and a while later they come back again!

Galway K9 · 09-04-2014 5:30pm

rolliepoley wrote: »

I see there was another disaster in Trinity collage, the library was burned down.
Naturally, the students were very upset…some of the books weren’t even coloured in yet.

TAXIIIII!!!

Capt'n Midnight · 09-04-2014 5:47pm

Deleted User wrote: »

It's all these Australian joke

How do you recognise the plane from London ?

The engines are off but you can still hear the whining.

Capt'n Midnight · 09-04-2014 5:50pm

Application for Grant of Australian Citizenship

You must answer 75% (28 or more out of 37) of these questions correctly in order to qualify for Australian Citizenship

1. How many slabs can you fit in the back of a Falcon Ute while also allowing room for your cattle dog?

2. When packing an Esky do you put the ice, or the beer, in first?

3. Is the traditional Aussie Christmas dinner:

a) At least two roasted meats with roast vegetables, followed by a pudding yo ucould use as a cannonball. Also ham. In 40C heat.
b) A seafood buffet followed by a barbie, with rather a lot of booze. And ham. In 40C heat.
c) Both of the above, one at lunchtime and one at dinnertime. Weather continues fine.

4. How many beers in a slab?

5. You call that a knife, this is a knife.

True or False?

6. Does “yeah-nah” mean

a) ”Yes and no”
b) “Maybe”
c) “Yes I understand but No I don’t agree”?

7. The phrases “strewth” and “flamin’ dingo” can be attributed to which TV character?

a) Toadie from Neighbours
b) Alf from Home & Away
c) Agro from Agro’s Cartoon Connection
d) Sgt. Tom Croydon from Blue Heelers?

8. When cooking a barbecue do you turn the sausages

a) Once or twice
b) As often as necessary to cook
c) After each stubby
d) Until charcoal?

9. Name three of the Daddo brothers.

10. Who was the original lead singer of AC/DC?

11. Which option describes your ideal summer afternoon:

a) Drinking beer at a mate’s place
b) Drinking beer at the beach
c) Drinking beer watching the cricket/footy
d) Drinking beer at a mate’s place while watching the cricket before going to the beach?

12. Would you eat pineapple on pizza? Would you eat egg on a pizza?

13. How many cans of beer did David Boon consume on a plane trip from Australia to England?

14. How many stubbies is it from Brissy to the Gold Coast in a Torana travelling at 120km/h?

15. Who are Scott and Charlene?

16. How do you apply your tomato sauce to a pie?

a) Squirt and spread with finger
b) Sauce injection straight into the middle?

17. If the police raided your home would you:

a) Allow them to rummage through your personal items
b) Phone up the nearest talkback radio shock jock and complain
c) Put a written complaint in to John Howard and hope that he answers it personally?

18. Which Australian Prime Minister held the world record for drinking a yardie full of beer the fastest?

19. Have you ever had/do you have a mullet?

20. Thongs are:

a) Skimpy underwear
b) Casual footwear
c) They’re called jandals, bro?

21. On which Ashes tour did Warney’s hair look the best?

a) 1993
b) 1997
c) 2001
d) 2005

22. What is someone more likely to die of:

a) Red Back Spider
b) Great White Shark
c) Victorian Police Officer
d) King Brown Snake
e) Your missus after a big night
f) Dropbear?

23. How many times must a steak be turned on a conventional four-burner barbie?

24. Can you sing along to Cold Chisel’s Khe Sanh?

25. Explain both the “follow-on” and “LBW” rules in cricket and discuss the pros and cons for the third umpire decisions in the latter….

26. Name at least 5 items that must be taken to a BBQ.

27. Who is current Australian test cricket captain:

a) Ricky Ponting
b) Don Bradman
c) John Howard
d) Makybe Diva?

28. Is it best to take a sick day on:

a) When the cricket’s on
b) When the cricket’s on
c) When the cricket’s on

29. What animal is on the Bundaberg Rum bottle?

30. What is the difference between a pot and a middy of beer?

31. What are Budgie smugglers?

32. What brand and size of Esky will you be purchasing?

33. Did you cry when Molly died on a Country Practice?

34. A “Hoppoate” is:

a) A breed of kangaroo
b) A kind of Australian “wedgie”
c) A disgraced Rugby League player?

35. What does having a ‘chunder’ mean?

36. When you were young did you prefer the Hills Hoist over any swing set?

37. What does the terminology ‘True Blue’ mean?

allibastor · 09-04-2014 6:33pm

Best joke I heard today.

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
You better not go for a piss,
If you live with Ocsar Pistorious.

Curly Judge · 13-04-2014 10:22pm

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor
who was very interested in making a penny where he could,
so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit
further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment
from the Almighty,
so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

"Repaint! Repaint!
And thin no more!"

Curly Judge · 13-04-2014 10:31pm

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when Carson, the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question, my lord?"
"Go ahead, Carson," said his lordship.
"I am doing crossword in 'The Times' and I have found a word about which I am not too clear."
"What word is that?" asked his lordship.
"The word is 'aplomb', my lord."
"That is a difficult word to explain. I would say it means 'self-assurance' or 'complete composure'."
"Thank you, my lord, but I'm still a little confused."
"Then, let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"
"Of course, my lord, I remember the occasion very well. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also", continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember that William plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
"I was indeed present on that occasion, my lord."
"And while plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself very deeply in his thumb?"
"Yes," replied Carson. "I witnessed the incident, my lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"And that evening, the prick on his thumb was so sore that Kate had to cut up his venison, even though being from our own estate it was extremely tender."
"Yes, my lord, I saw and heard what transpired."
"Then the next morning, while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of William in a loud voice, 'Darling is your prick still throbbing this morning?'"
"And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!
Now.. that was aplomb!"

rolliepoley · 15-04-2014 9:07pm

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail." So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday. So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did. ''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy. ''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge. ''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''

''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.''

''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge.

''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''

Mars Bar · 16-04-2014 5:38pm

What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?

HAAAAAAAAAND EYEEEEEEEEEE

I am pie · 16-04-2014 5:42pm

...and then the jury said Fitzpatrick is innocent.

Laugh? I nearly cried.

snaphook · 16-04-2014 6:00pm

Al Pacino's new role sees him portray a referee at the Women's World Cup.

The working title is "Sent off a Woman"

16-04-2014 6:17pm

CAMILLA'S NEW SHOES

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tight as the day went on. That night, after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, one's feet are killing one.'
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour. But It wouldn't budge.

'Harder!' yelled Camilla.

'Harder?' Charles yelled back. 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got, ' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed, 'Oh god, that feels so good !'

In their bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Philip and said, 'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that.'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out, 'Oh god, darling, this one's even tighter.'
At which point Prince Philip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy; once a navy man, always a navy man!'

Galway K9 · 17-04-2014 4:55pm

Mars Bar wrote: »

What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?

HAAAAAAAAAND EYEEEEEEEEEE

For Shame! (Shakes head)

Mars Bar · 17-04-2014 11:03pm

Galway K9 wrote: »

For Shame! (Shakes head)

You did sing it though didn't you?:D

FanadMan · 18-04-2014 4:27am

Mars Bar wrote: »

You did sing it though didn't you?:D

I know I did......not out loud of course. Men don't sing that sort of soppy woman song

Curly Judge · 18-04-2014 12:42pm

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross
while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.
Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand?
This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there
with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross.
In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!"
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said:
"Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!”

rolliepoley · 19-04-2014 12:38pm

A man walks into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asks for half a head of lettuce.
The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter
Walking into the back room the boy says to his manager "some tosser wants to buy half a head of lettuce" as he finished his sentence he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly said "and this gentleman offered to buy the other half"
The manager approved the deal and later said to the boy "that was quick thinking I was impressed with how you handled that situation, I like someone who thinks on their feet. "Where are you from son?"
"Originally from Essex sir"
"And why did you leave Essex?"
The boy answered "Sir there is nothing there but footballers and whores"
"really?" said the manager "my wifes from Essex"

"No s***t the boy replied "Who does she play for?"

rolliepoley · 20-04-2014 8:35pm

My little brother recked my James Bond DVD collection, so i battered The Living Daylights out of him.

Capt'n Midnight · 20-04-2014 9:55pm

rolliepoley wrote: »

My little brother recked my James Bond DVD collection, so i battered The Living Daylights out of him.

When you were young
And your heart was an open book

You used to say, "Live and let live"

Capt'n Midnight · 20-04-2014 10:02pm

Now listen carefully, 007. This may look like a normal Blackberry...

But it's one that actually works.

chughes · 20-04-2014 10:13pm

rolliepoley wrote: »

My little brother recked my James Bond DVD collection, so i battered The Living Daylights out of him.

Could anyone in the house watch these DVDs or were they for your eyes only?

whiskeyman · 20-04-2014 10:15pm

rolliepoley wrote: »

My little brother recked my James Bond DVD collection.

You poor thing.
That must have left you shaken....

EoghanIRL · 20-04-2014 10:23pm

I've started a business crafting small figurines of Jesus.

I'm only making a little prophet.

Busted Flat. · 20-04-2014 10:25pm

whiskeyman wrote: »

You poor thing.
That must have left you shaken....

But not stired

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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