The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

08-07-2015 7:32pm

MY PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied,
'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pyjamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pyjamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?'
(You've gotta love this.)
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

Miss Demeanour · 08-07-2015 11:30pm

New doctor reviews 89 year old patients notes and says.... "I notice you have been on birth control pills for a few years and to be quite honest I dont believe you need them!"
She replies "they help me sleep"
He says "they have no proven sleep enducing help whatsover!"
She replies unblinkingly "crushed into my 17 year old granddaughters cornflakes each morn........I sleep like a log!!!!!!!"

MonkieSocks · 10-07-2015 3:30pm

I masturbated over an ex-girlfriend last night...............I know its wrong

But I still have a key and she's a heavy sleeper

rolliepoley · 11-07-2015 4:23pm

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.

wesleysniper38 · 11-07-2015 10:17pm

A sexy brunette approached me at a niteclub last night.

"Wanna buy me a few drinks" she said.

"Of course!" I replied and shot straight to the bar..

After she drank 4 Brandy and Baileys in 15 minutes I said to her:

"I bet you're the type of girl who uses men to buy you drink and give nothing in return"
"Ha Ha you've figured me out, now I've gotta go.." she said with a smirk.

"Ah Ah not this time" I said .....

As I waved an empty Rohypnol packet in her face

Micky Dolenz · 11-07-2015 10:45pm

I don't know what's worse, the unnecessary use of spoiler tags or a lame rape "joke".

MonkieSocks · 11-07-2015 10:48pm

The Mother Superior was talking to the rest of the nuns........

"We have a case of Chlamydia in the convent"

A very old nun at the back replied..

"I hope its better than that Chardonnay we had last week"

12-07-2015 12:37am

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day.

The daughter said to her mother,
'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied,
'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied ,
'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said,
'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied
'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.

The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,
'My penis is frozen solid...'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,
And she asks,
' Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned the mother said,
'Why yes..... Why do you ask?'

The daughter replies,
'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'

Curly Judge · 12-07-2015 1:29am

A friend hosted a dinner party for family and everyone was encouraged to
bring all their children as well.
All during the sit-down dinner one four-year-old girl stared at her uncle
sitting across from her.The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
The uncle checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place but
nothing stopped her from staring at him.
He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him.
He finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went
quiet for her response.
The little girl said "I just want to see how you drink like a fish."

wesleysniper38 · 12-07-2015 1:58am

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

I don't know what's worse, the unnecessary use of spoiler tags or a lame rape "joke".

Who mentioned rape ?

You twisted fcuk

Comer1 · 12-07-2015 11:36am

MonkieSocks wrote: »

The Mother Superior was talking to the rest of the nuns........

"We have a case of Chlamydia in the convent"

A very old nun at the back replied..

"I hope its better than that Chardonnay we had last week"

A young nun had just entered the enclosed convent a few days when she went to the old mother superior, who had been there since her teens.

"Mother Superior," she whispered, "this is a bit embarrassing but I need tampax."

"Tampax?!" the Mother Superior shouted, "you will not, you can have wheatabix just like everybody else!"

MonkieSocks · 12-07-2015 2:49pm

My girlfriend said I should let my feminine side show a bit more often.

So I reversed the car into a bus stop,

shouted at her for no reason,

spent two hours in the bathroom - coming out looking exactly as I did when I went in

and checked her entire Laptop for Porn.

She wasn't amused.

SVJKarate · 14-07-2015 11:36pm

WARNING

There is an email in widespread circulation around the internet at the moment with an attachment which it claims is a video of Kanye West singing Bohemian Rhapsody.

If you receive this email, DO NOT OPEN the attachment.

It is a video of Kanye West singing Bohemian Rhapsody.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sD7P9iPkCes

fleet_admiral · 15-07-2015 12:14am

Can gay people keep a straight face?

Capt'n Midnight · 15-07-2015 12:51am

I bought a 50 Cent CD today.

He's selling other stuff too.

MetalDog · 16-07-2015 10:17am

It'll soon be illegal for Americans to have a Confederate flag on the back of their pick-up trucks. . .

. . . Which will make it much harder for aliens to know who to abduct.

Niemoj · 16-07-2015 10:23am

What's the different between America and yogurt?

Yogurt will develop a culture after 300 years.

Hagar7 · 17-07-2015 12:41pm

I'm so tough I once strangled 5 guys just by using a cordless telephone.

Capt'n Midnight · 17-07-2015 7:19pm

Tim Farron is the new leader of the Lib Dems.

For those of you asking "Who?" it's a political party in the UK.

My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe.

2 minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"

I said, "Because we're still in Tallaght."

Two Sheds · 17-07-2015 8:02pm

What has four legs and flies?

A dead horse

Hagar7 · 17-07-2015 8:56pm

Two Sheds wrote: »

What has four legs and flies?
A dead horse

Some clowns on this thread who keep using spoilers?

Two Sheds · 18-07-2015 1:32am

Hagar7 wrote: »

Some clowns on this thread who keep using spoilers?

Hilarious!:)

Have you any more?

Meteorite58 · 18-07-2015 11:31am

What's Blonde and intelligent ?

A Golden Retriever.

coolhull · 18-07-2015 12:05pm

I went to the library to get a medical book on abdominal pain.

Somebody had ripped the appendix out.

MonkieSocks · 19-07-2015 6:04pm

There's nothing worse after sex, than looking down and finding a broken condom hanging off your Micky........... especially when you weren't wearing one.

21-07-2015 6:47pm

CALL THE POLICE -WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND YOU DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"

George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence,
and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story)*

Don't mess with old people

*probably a made up quote. :P

King George VI · 23-07-2015 12:09pm

What do you get when you shoot four bullets into a six pack?

A Tupac..

JCX BXC · 23-07-2015 3:13pm

Kay Burley goes to into Easons......
"Do you do chips here"
"No, this is a book shop"
"why don't you do chips"
"Because"
"why do you hate chips"

byronbay2 · 23-07-2015 3:58pm

Hagar7 wrote: »

I'm so tough I once strangled 5 guys just by using a cordless telephone.

That's the best joke you ever heard??

Carnacalla wrote: »

Kay Burley goes to into Easons......
"Do you do chips here"
"No, this is a book shop"
"why don't you do chips"
"Because"
"why do you hate chips"

I don't get it.

This incredibly non-PC "joke" may have been mentioned already - I haven't read the entire thread:

A woman has just given birth and is recuperating in hospital after a long and arduous delivery. A doctor approaches with a concerned look on his face:
'Mrs Murphy, I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news - which would you prefer first?' She asks for the bad news first.
With a look of pity, the doctor reveals that: 'Unfortunately, your baby has been born a ginger.'
The woman smiles and emits a huge sigh of relief. She then remembers to ask 'what's the good news'?
'It died'!

eisenberg1 · 23-07-2015 4:56pm

byronbay2 wrote: »

That's the best joke you ever heard??

I don't get it.

This incredibly non-PC "joke" may have been mentioned already - I haven't read the entire thread:

A woman has just given birth and is recuperating in hospital after a long and arduous delivery. A doctor approaches with a concerned look on his face:
'Mrs Murphy, I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news - which would you prefer first?' She asks for the bad news first.
With a look of pity, the doctor reveals that: 'Unfortunately, your baby has been born a ginger.'
The woman smiles and emits a huge sigh of relief. She then remembers to ask 'what's the good news'?
'It died'!

You were doing so well, and then you told your "joke".

That's a new low.

MonkieSocks · 23-07-2015 5:04pm

Frank always looked on the bright side.

He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.

No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply,

"It could have been worse."

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said,

"Frank, did you hear about Tom?

He came home last night,
Found his wife in bed with another man,
shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That’s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I’d be dead now!"

moneymad · 23-07-2015 10:00pm

What type of key opens every lock?

A Pikey

coolhull · 23-07-2015 10:20pm

Paddy goes for a job in a chemical factory.
Manager : ''Have you worked with chemicals before?''
Paddy : ''Begob, I certainly have''.
Manager : ''Can you tell me what nitrate is?''
Paddy : ''Well, I'm hoping 'tis going to be time-and-a-half''

Capt'n Midnight · 23-07-2015 11:10pm

My boss called me.

"Why are you late?!" he asked angrily.

"I'm stuck behind a group of bikers." I replied.

"Can't you just ask them to move over?" he said.

"But they look aggressive," I said, "And the barman hasn't served them yet."

Hagar7 · 24-07-2015 6:42pm

byronbay2 wrote: »

That's the best joke you ever heard??
!

Yeah,I got 25 years in jail for the murders,I'm released tomorrow and I'll be searching for you.

coolhull · 25-07-2015 12:47am

Murphy and Kelly need a few pints.
They put all their money together but still have only 60 cents
Murphy tells Kelly he has come up with a cunning plan
Murphy takes the 60 cents, goes into a butchers, and spends all the money on a single sausage
Going into a pub, they ask for two pints and drink them down quickly
When the barman asks for the money, Murphy sneaks the sausage into his fly and Kelly kneels in front of him and sucks it
Outraged, the barman throws them out
They go to a dozen other pubs and successfully pull the same stunt
Finally, Kelly complains, ‘’ I can’t do this any more. My knees are killing me’’
‘’Just your knees?’’ says Murphy. ‘’You’re lucky, I lost the sausage in the second pub’’

27-07-2015 6:47am

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a gards comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The garda was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a TD came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The TD
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
TDs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

EoghanIRL · 27-07-2015 12:55pm

^^ good one.

27-07-2015 6:11pm

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

‘You disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children? I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!’

And Paddy (for it was he) replied, ‘Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’

‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed, ‘but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’

And Paddy began – ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for y ou last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has the same pair.’

Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was very grateful for my understanding and help, and as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please… Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’

tayto lover · 27-07-2015 6:54pm

It was better the first time you told it

27-07-2015 7:29pm

tayto lover wrote: »

It was better the first time you told it

Bloody train got shunted, hhhit the key too many times ! :P

Hagar7 · 27-07-2015 8:52pm

EoghanIRL wrote: »

^^ good one.

Ahem,you do know there'll be a thank you card at your doorstep tomorrow morn and a dozen guys doing community service.:)

sm213 · 27-07-2015 9:10pm

The hardest part of Grandma's dementia was slowly watching her forget about dre.

Miss Demeanour · 30-07-2015 8:14pm

Have you heard about the man caught masturbating in the newsagents?
No!? I'm surprised.........!
It was all over the papers!

MonkieSocks · 31-07-2015 4:33pm

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says,

'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.

You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

Capt'n Midnight · 31-07-2015 9:17pm

"Update the force, Luke"

Adobe Wan Kenobi

branie2 · 31-07-2015 10:32pm

What does Luke Skywalker shave with?

A laser blade

lulu1 · 01-08-2015 1:14am

The teacher was asking the class to make up a sentence with the word contagious

Mary put up her hand and said

Mammy told our neighbor that daddy is painting the fence but will take the contagious

Hermy · 01-08-2015 9:28am

That joke seems to be contagious.:D

Mr Tibbs · 01-08-2015 1:40pm

Steven Spielberg is in the process of making a new film about Osama Bin Laden, similar to "Ground Day"
The plot of the film is to kill him and resurrect him everyday.
It's to be called "RYCLING BIN"

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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