The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Centre"




ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated




ARN851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15."
Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06."


727 pilot: "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?"
Controller: "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."



Controller: "FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?"
Pilot: "A340 of course!"
Controller: "Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me a 1000 feet per minute, please?"



A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ...
Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..."
Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."



Controller: "Air Force 53, it appears your engine has... oh... disregard, I see you've already ejected."




Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"





ATC to Flight 123: "Slow to 300 knots please." After several moments, it was apparent the crew had not complied with the first speed reduction and was overtaking the inbound plane ahead of them.

ATC to Flight 123: "Slow to 280 knots." This was soon followed by a request for 250 knots from ATC when the crew still had not slowed the airplane.

Finally, the now-frustrated controller ordered, "Gentlemen, the number is 250. Either slow to it or turn to it!"





(busy) Moncton Centre: "Speedbird 169 cleared direct Chibougamau"
BAW169: "I'm sorry, sir, can you repeat that?"
CZQM: "Speedbird 169 cleared direct Yankee Mike Tango"
BAW169: "Direct Yankee Mike Tango for Speedbird 169. What was that name again?"
CZQM: "It's called Chibougamau"
BAW169: "Would you say again, please?"
CZQM: "Chibougamau. I say again, Chibougamau!"
BAW169: "Oh, how quaint. What does it mean?"
CZQM: "It's Eskimo for f--- off!"




Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR




Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
Controller: oooohhh! You have traffic!



Tower (in Stuttgart): "Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots."
Pilot: "This is just like Frankfurt. They also have only 210 und 170
knots...But we're flexible...."
Tower: "We, too. Reduce to 173 knots."




Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "We are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"




In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California, 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed."

"90 knots" Center replied.

"Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same."

"120 knots," Center answered.

"We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, 'Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout.'

"There was a slight pause, then the response, 525 knots on the ground, Dusty".

"Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison." "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?"

There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots"

"No further inquiries were heard on that frequency"




In similar vein (airport not stated), an SR-71 crew were listening in on a similar "match this" contest. A Cessna asked to clear to 4000 ft, a corporate jet requested clearance to 12,000, an airliner to 18,000, etc. Finally the SR-71 called ATC.
SR-71: "Request clearance to 80,000 ft"
Tower: "Just how in hell do you plan to get up there?"
SR-71: "Uh Tower, I'm descending to 80,000".



Air Force One was over the UK a few years ago and called up a USAF base. This, allegedly, was part of the exchange.
Pilot: "Requesting Radar".
ATC: "What is you position?"
Pilot: :"You got radar you find us"
ATC: "Air Force One we're changing frequency"
Pilot: "What frequency are you changing to?"
ATC: "You've got 720 channels - you find us!"




There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach"



Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing attempt: "You've got to land here, son. This is where the food is."



Tower: "Airline XXX, it looks like one of your baggage doors is open."
Captain: "Ah, thanks tower, but you must be looking at our APU door."
Tower: "Okay, Airline XXX, cleared for takeoff."
Captain: "Cleared for takeoff, Airline XXX."
Tower, during the takeoff roll: "Airline XXX, ahh ... it appears that your APU is leaking luggage..."


Tower : "Wind calm. No reported traffic. Use runway 32 or 14, your choice."
Pilot : "Which runway is longer?"




Pilot: "Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up."
Tower: "Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have your flight plan. What is your destination ?"
Pilot: "Same as every Monday, to Leipzig."
Tower: "But - today is Tuesday !"
Pilot: "WHAT? But we're on holiday Tuesdays!"




The following is actually a classic aviation joke and I've often heard it at aerospace seminars:
Pilot: We are approaching too fast! Flaps!
Co-pilot: Flaps:
Pilot: We are not gonna make it! More flaps!
Co-pilot: more flaps!
Pilot: Wow, We are not gonna make it! All the flaps!
Co-pilot: All the flaps!
Pilot (after barely landing): Unbelievable! I have never ever seen such a short runway!!!
Co-pilot: Yes, but look how WIDE it is!




The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver.

He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost."


The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest, sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."





Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."





Washington D.C., clearance delivery:
German Air Force 269, you are cleared to destination Indian Springs after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation, read back.

GAF 269:
Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to destination Indian Springs after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below, when out of 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation and I need another pencil.