The Online Dating Thread 3..READ 1ST POST Oct 2012

Mr_Spaceman · 24-09-2012 5:16pm

Piliger wrote: »

Yet ... why do men across the board get so few replies ? I suggest it is because despite all the effort in messages, we are being judged immediately on looks, in total contradiction to what we are always being told ... which I think is politically correct BS.
And I say that as a guy 50+ .. who is definitely, and I know this sounds ghastly, is well above average in looks and condition.
I think women are browsing away on OD ... dreaming of their imaginary prince charming. Men are incredibly visual, but we see beauty or potential beauty in a far wider range of women.

My two cents.

Couldn't agree more.

Again, of course there are exceptions, but I get the distinct impression a lot of women's expectations of sourcing the 'ideal' man on OD are rather unrealistic.

I shouldn't grind my gears about this right enough, as in a rare moment of positivity, I, erm, have a date tomorrow night!

mood · 24-09-2012 5:16pm

Piliger wrote: »

Yet ... why do men across the board get so few replies ? I suggest it is because despite all the effort in messages, we are being judged immediately on looks, in total contradiction to what we are always being told ... which I think is politically correct BS.
And I say that as a guy 50+ .. who is definitely, and I know this sounds ghastly, is well above average in looks and condition.
I think women are browsing away on OD ... dreaming of their imaginary prince charming. Men are incredibly visual, but we see beauty or potential beauty in a far wider range of women.

My two cents.

No offense but a man 50+ has a lower chance of getting replies that a guy of 25 IMO. Why? Because a 25 year old guy will have a much more women in his age bracket to contact, therefore will most likely send more email which will result in more replies. It's a number game really.

mood · 24-09-2012 5:18pm

Mr_Spaceman wrote: »

Okay, fair enough - and I wouldn't criticize you at all for that.

However, I still feel a very poor reply to message ratio would indicate a certain shallowness from a large percentage of women on dating sites.

So would you consider me shallow for not wanting to date a smoker?

miamee · 24-09-2012 5:19pm

Mr_Spaceman wrote: »

I shouldn't grind my gears about this right enough, as in a rare moment of positivity, I, erm, have a date tomorrow night!

Ooh good luck

riveratom · 24-09-2012 5:19pm

Piliger wrote: »

Yet ... why do men across the board get so few replies ? I suggest it is because despite all the effort in messages, we are being judged immediately on looks, in total contradiction to what we are always being told ... which I think is politically correct BS.
And I say that as a guy 50+ .. who is definitely, and I know this sounds ghastly, is well above average in looks and condition.
I think women are browsing away on OD ... dreaming of their imaginary prince charming. Men are incredibly visual, but we see beauty or potential beauty in a far wider range of women.

My two cents.

Even though I said above that women *may* be more flexible in balancing out looks for personality, I think you have a point 100%. Where do we get the 'women aren't as focused on looks' thing from anyway? Is it a legacy from some Cosmopolitan survey in the 50s or something?

The thing is, women have way more options in terms of the volume of messages they receive, and will filter out all except the ones they like best. I think that's only human nature, and when you get 50-100 messages in a week you're not going to go through each and every profile, you're going to get down to basics and give the guys who catch your eye your attention.

miec · 24-09-2012 5:20pm

For the reasons I set out.

So not replying to e-mails is far worse behaviour than abusive e-mails or penis pictures - I disagree.

miec · 24-09-2012 5:22pm

I do not believe that women get between 50 - 100 e-mails every week, or even when they first sign up.

Mr_Spaceman · 24-09-2012 5:22pm

mood wrote: »

So would you consider me shallow for not wanting to date a smoker?

Absolutely not. I wouldn't either.

The problem there, of course, is that some people do not actually have the wit to read preferences.

hollypink · 24-09-2012 5:25pm

miec wrote: »

I have responded to the 'hi, how are you' messages but I have found that the online conversations rarely go anywhere. An example might be thus:

'Hi how are you'
'I am grand, how are you?'
'Fine. What you up to?'
(I am tempted to say sitting on the couch with the laptop wearing my old pyjamas etc I tend to say..
'Not much, how about you?'
'Taking it easy. where do you live?'
(At this point I want to shoot myself but in trying to be fair I look at their profile which usually has nothing on it but maybe they mention a dog or something)
' I live X town, I see you have a dog, how old is it? What is it's name'
'The dog is called spot. He is a year old.'
'That's nice' I reply.
By this point I have given up, I am bored by the person and going along with the pub analogy, when someone says hi how are you and you reply back fine, etc, the conversation needs to flow otherwise you get bored, the above is not exciting.

That made me laugh; I've had that conversation a couple of times

The monosyllabic responses sometimes progress to "ur hot bbz" or similar at which point I give up.

On the subject of shallowness, I don't judge profiles solely on appearance but it is a factor, which I think is entirely normal and I don't consider it shallow. Sometimes I see a profile and immediately know I'm not going to find that person attractive. But I try to bear in mind that photos can be misleading so if I'm unsure, and they have an interesting profile, I will give it a chance.

miec wrote: »

I do not believe that women get between 50 - 100 e-mails every week, or even when they first sign up.

I wish

I average 1-2 a day myself.

riveratom · 24-09-2012 5:28pm

miec wrote: »

I do not believe that women get between 50 - 100 e-mails every week, or even when they first sign up.

I think you better start!

I'm sure it varies according to the woman and the site. I can tell you though that a girl I know who is on POF showed me her inbox and had only recently signed up - she got about 100 emails in the first 4 days. Loads of these were 'hey honey' type messages. And she would be very average looking.

Another girl I met (who admittedly is very attractive) got about 45 emails within about half an hour of signing up to one (a paid site!).

mood · 24-09-2012 5:30pm

Mr_Spaceman wrote: »

Absolutely not. I wouldn't either.

The problem there, of course, is that some people do not actually have the wit to read preferences.

Before emailing someone profiles should be read properly. Most site have age brackets, location, marital status etc on profiles so it should be clear if you would be in the running or not no matter how well written the first email is. If anyone sends out email without reading profiles property then they shouldn't complain. You would be amazed how many emails I have got form men who don't read my profile/preferences properly.

Esoteric_ · 24-09-2012 5:30pm

miec wrote: »

I do not believe that women get between 50 - 100 e-mails every week, or even when they first sign up.

To be totally honest, I would easily get over 50 a week. That's not me blowing my own horn because I'm far from gorgeous. :pac: Distinctly average actually. But I would get about 20 mails a day easily. That said, if we're talking about decent mails that I would actually reply to, about one a day.

95% of the mails I get are rubbish that I wouldn't respond to. My friend (also female) who is not exactly stunning, gets around 50-60 a week.

All depends on your age, location, etc. I guess that being early 20s (I'm 23), living in Dublin, I have a huge amount of men who would message me on that basis alone.

Mr_Spaceman · 24-09-2012 5:34pm

Reading the number of messages women receive it does actually make me wonder how men can - for the want of a better word - compete. Then again no-one ever said the world of OD is fair.

The trouble for the charming wordsmiths (!) is that we get drowned out by the 'Hey, baby, u r hot' and the 'Hi, how r u?' dullards. And the knobheads who think sending a penis pic is actually funny.

*sigh*

mood · 24-09-2012 5:38pm

riveratom wrote: »

I think you better start!

I'm sure it varies according to the woman and the site. I can tell you though that a girl I know who is on POF showed me her inbox and had only recently signed up - she got about 100 emails in the first 4 days. Loads of these were 'hey honey' type messages. And she would be very average looking.

Another girl I met (who admittedly is very attractive) got about 45 emails within about half an hour of signing up to one (a paid site!).

But that don't last. If you new to a site you will get a lot of email at first but that dwindles down to two or three a day pretty quickly trust me. And at first women probably don't have a filters active. After a while you realise there are filters and it's best to use them. I would have stopped the 17 year old for hassling me for weeks if I had used filters immediately!

Esoteric_ · 24-09-2012 5:38pm

Mr_Spaceman wrote: »

Reading the number of messages women receive it does actually make me wonder how men can - for the want of a better word - compete. Then again no-one ever said the world of OD is fair.

The trouble for the charming wordsmiths (!) is that we get drowned out by the 'Hey, baby, u r hot' and the 'Hi, how r u?' dullards. And the knobheads who think sending a penis pic is actually funny.

*sigh*

Personally speaking, the people who write decent messages are not the ones who are drowned out. The other way around, definitely. I wouldn't even consider writing back to someone who said 'hi' or sent me a penis pic, but I'd generally reply to every single decent mail I get. I think it makes the interesting people shine through more, tbh.

Esoteric_ · 24-09-2012 5:39pm

mood wrote: »

But that don't last. If you new to a site you will get a lot of email at first but that dwindles down to two or three a day pretty quickly trust me. And at first women probably don't have a filters active. After a while you realise there are filters and it's best to use them. I would have stopped the 17 year old for hassling me for weeks if I had used filters immediately!

How quickly would it peter out? Because I'm on POF for about a month now, I have had filters up for the entire time, and I'm still getting lots of messages, and, like I said, it's not because I'm a supermodel, I'm a chubby short thing with a nice smile and very little else!

riveratom · 24-09-2012 5:40pm

Mr_Spaceman wrote: »

Reading the number of messages women receive it does actually make me wonder how men can - for the want of a better word - compete. Then again no-one ever said the world of OD is fair.

The trouble for the charming wordsmiths (!) is that we get drowned out by the 'Hey, baby, u r hot' and the 'Hi, how r u?' dullards. And the knobheads who think sending a penis pic is actually funny.

*sigh*

I think the quality of the site plays a huge part here too though. You're going to get way more tools and messers on the likes of POF, which is like a teenage disco or something. On the likes of Match it's a much more professional crowd.

mood · 24-09-2012 5:43pm

LyndaMcL wrote: »

How quickly would it peter out? Because I'm on POF for about a month now, I have had filters up for the entire time, and I'm still getting lots of messages, and, like I said, it's not because I'm a supermodel, I'm a chubby short thing with a nice smile and very little else!

I used a paid site so my experience would be hard to compare to you (lower volume of users, little or no abusive emails etc). As far as I remember the number of emails reduced after about a month. I wasn't 'fresh meat' anymore!

Daveysil15 · 24-09-2012 6:17pm

hollypink wrote: »

I've had that conversation a couple of times The monosyllabic responses sometimes progress to "ur hot bbz" or similar at which point I give up.

To be fair, the women are just as guilty of the monosyllabic responses. When I mail a girl on a dating site, I always make an effort and reference something from her profile. Typically my message would be 4 or 5 sentences long.

Yet If I get a reply its usually just a few words. I might ask 2 or 3 questions about things in her profile, but I only get one answer. It seems the guy asks a question and the woman replies and then waits for the next question. Why don't more women take the initiative and ask the guys some questions? It's nearly always up to the man to keep the conversation flowing and you can only say so much.

sharper · 24-09-2012 6:26pm

Piliger wrote: »

Yet ... why do men across the board get so few replies ?

Because for every woman on these sites there are between two and ten men.

Also men are much more proactive in terms of searching profiles and initiating contact.

Even if every woman replied to day 5 mails a day odds are there would still be a long line of guys who had gotten only a few replies to their mails.

seachto7 · 24-09-2012 6:31pm

I think some women should take out the 50 shades of grey lines in their profiles as well. Those men don't exist. It's a book. Fantasy.

mood · 24-09-2012 6:31pm

sharper wrote: »

Because for every woman on these sites there are between two and ten men.

Also men are much more proactive in terms of searching profiles and initiating contact.

Even if every woman replied to day 5 mails a day odds are there would still be a long line of guys who had gotten only a few replies to their mails.

Where are those stats coming from? Is it a real stat or an assumption of yours?

seachto7 · 24-09-2012 6:32pm

Daveysil15 wrote: »

To be fair, the women are just as guilty of the monosyllabic responses. When I mail a girl on a dating site, I always make an effort and reference something from her profile. Typically my message would be 4 or 5 sentences long.

Yet If I get a reply its usually just a few words. I might ask 2 or 3 questions about things in her profile, but I only get one answer. It seems the guy asks a question and the woman replies and then waits for the next question. Why don't more women take the initiative and ask the guys some questions? It's nearly always up to the man to keep the conversation flowing and you can only say so much.

This is where real life dating is dragged into online I think..........

alibab · 24-09-2012 6:38pm

Just to add my bit in here . I still follow this thread but don't contribute as no longer online dating as i met someone and it is going really well the last few months

. When i first joined pof and put up a pic i actually came on here in despair to ask was it normal to receive about 200 messages in the space of about 2 hours . I put up a pic normal enough of me before a night out with hair and make up on . I am not stunning by any manner or means but would look okay i think

. I have a slim build and i am petite alright . To be honest i shut down the computer and didn't go back for about a week as messages kept coming in and i could not get through them

.

Now the thing is of course the quality of a lot of them was a issue and a lot of hi messages etc . I read as many as possible but replied to one had a nice date etc but didn't go anywhere which was fine . I decided pof was not for me and became uncomfortable there and a lot were not actually reading my profile etc in the end but figured maybe it was my age separated late thirties . I did meet the guy i am seeing now online but on a site rarely mentioned here connecting singles . I went into delete my profile and he messaged me and cest la vie went from there conversation flowed and got on well . I put up a everyday photo of me very little make up etc and i don't photograph well but did not want to be judged on looks etc . He did say i looked better in real life than my photo but that was not a surprise

.

I suppose i am just backing up the others that say they are getting lots of messages a day on pof . I took down my photo and did get a lot less messages but deactivated completely now

Daveysil15 · 24-09-2012 7:09pm

seachto7 wrote: »

This is where real life dating is dragged into online I think..........

True, but people shouldn't be complaining about monosyllabic responses when they're essentially doing the same thing. Even when I make the effort and send a good message, I'd say at least 95% of the responses I get are monosyllabic with no real effort to reciprocate the chat.

Although if a woman is getting inundated with messages she's probably not going to have the time to reply to them with the same effort that the man put in. Men don't have to spend as much time filtering. But the fact that women get so many messages surely gives them a better chance of finding someone, even if they do need to filter out the bad.

Piliger · 24-09-2012 7:23pm

mood wrote: »

No offense but a man 50+ has a lower chance of getting replies that a guy of 25 IMO. Why? Because a 25 year old guy will have a much more women in his age bracket to contact, therefore will most likely send more email which will result in more replies. It's a number game really.

On what basis do you say that ? You would be amazed at how many of my age are in OD....

mood · 24-09-2012 7:24pm

Piliger wrote: »

On what basis do you say that ? You would be amazed at how many of my age are in OD....

From my personal experience there are a lot more people in there 20s on dating site that any other age group. From what I've read in the thread other people also find this to be the case.

Piliger · 24-09-2012 7:27pm

riveratom wrote: »

Even though I said above that women *may* be more flexible in balancing out looks for personality, I think you have a point 100%. Where do we get the 'women aren't as focused on looks' thing from anyway? Is it a legacy from some Cosmopolitan survey in the 50s or something?

No idea ... I wasn't born then

Well, the truth is that the media and women in general are constantly telling us that men are obsessed with women's look and women look for personality. It has become an accepted paradigm that we are almost not allowed to challenge.

The thing is, women have way more options in terms of the volume of messages they receive, and will filter out all except the ones they like best. I think that's only human nature, and when you get 50-100 messages in a week you're not going to go through each and every profile, you're going to get down to basics and give the guys who catch your eye your attention.

So women really are driven by looks :rolleyes:

Piliger · 24-09-2012 7:30pm

riveratom wrote: »

I think you better start!

I'm sure it varies according to the woman and the site. I can tell you though that a girl I know who is on POF showed me her inbox and had only recently signed up - she got about 100 emails in the first 4 days. Loads of these were 'hey honey' type messages. And she would be very average looking.

Another girl I met (who admittedly is very attractive) got about 45 emails within about half an hour of signing up to one (a paid site!).

Yes I have seen INboxes of women myself. However the wasters and messers are easily distinguished and that leaves a much smaller number of real, actual messages. leaving them not that far different from men.

Piliger · 24-09-2012 7:31pm

mood wrote: »

From my personal experience there are a lot more people in there 20s on dating site that any other age group. From what I've read in the thread other people also find this to be the case.

Well you are wrong. With the acceleration of divorce etc and the natural ending of relationships, there is a huge number of 40s and 50s online in OD. I don't believe the difference is number is at all significant.

The Online Dating Thread 3..**READ 1ST POST Oct 2012**

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The Online Dating Thread 3..READ 1ST POST Oct 2012