Dating and the Biological Clock

riveratom · 23-05-2013 10:29am #1

Lately I have found myself realising that at some point in the coming years I would definitely like to have children (I am 32). Up until very recently it was always something I was open to, but not completely decided on.

More so, like most blokes it was probably something I always figured would be 'one for the future', as in a topic that would arise naturally down the line, once I'd met someone, etc.

I do a fair bit of dating, and meeting one or two girls in their mid-30s (say 34+), it's something that I am really thinking of now - the fact that if something serious was to develop, would it realistically be a bit late for having a family by the time we'd get to that stage. This is leading me to look more at women in their 20s and early 30s, and somewhat 'rule out' those in the mid-30s upwards range.

So it's kind of like if you were 32/33, and you met a girl who was a bit older, -say going on 35 - and you wanted 2-3 kids, by the time you'd get to the marriage / let's start a family stage, she'd be approx 38-ish trying for or having the first. So it seems late for sure, considering fertility declines sharply around the 35 mark, the risks (albeit I know they can be 'managed', etc).

Do you ever think about this kind of thing?

Dravokivich · 23-05-2013 11:43am

It is something to keep in mind alright. I think the more trying part though, is attempting to develop a relationship stable enough to sustain the upbringing of a child. As you quite rightly mentioned. I'm still relatively young as it is (28), so not really thinking of the age thing as much as you are yourself.

Pawwed Rig · 23-05-2013 1:17pm

It is definitely something that I considered but wouldn't say it was the over riding concern when I was dating. As Drav mentioned building a relationship is the hard part. Also important (I think) is finding out early on about the girls thoughts on kids as these things become dealbreakers later on in a relationship.

Uriel. · 23-05-2013 1:25pm

I suppose you do need to consider dating younger girls (as you do).

It depends though as there are so many variables. A friend of mine, 35 at the time, met a guy and was married within 14months and a kid arriving any day now.

Of course not everyone (and rarely I'd say) will have that kind of speedy relationship development.

The danger is that it can take a number of years to finally settle on the idea of trying for a family with someone and the older that person is at the beginning of the relationship the more problematic it may become.

You are right to have it in your mind as regards potential partners.

Barna77 · 23-05-2013 2:26pm

I don't like kids, I have no patience with them. I've always believed I'd never have any.

But lately, for a couple of years, I've been thinking about it... what if I had a kid? And just thinking of it really scares me. I don't know what to do about it. FFS my brother and his ex broke up before their daughter was born and I have never even made the effort to meet her! :eek:

But then I hear guys saying that having children is the best thing ever happened to them, and I see it around, blokes genuinely happy with little children... that's what makes me consider having children.

As I said, I'm lost here...

riveratom · 23-05-2013 2:42pm

Barna77 wrote: »

I don't like kids, I have no patience with them. I've always believed I'd never have any.

But lately, for a couple of years, I've been thinking about it... what if I had a kid? And just thinking of it really scares me. I don't know what to do about it. FFS my brother and his ex broke up before their daughter was born and I have never even made the effort to meet her! :eek:

But then I hear guys saying that having children is the best thing ever happened to them, and I see it around, blokes genuinely happy with little children... that's what makes me consider having children.

As I said, I'm lost here...

Guess it depends on whether you are with someone or not! It's mad though as up until now I've always thought of it as a hypothetical, whereas now with turning 33 later this year it's something to be considering!

dearg lady · 23-05-2013 3:00pm

I don't think it would be a major consideration for me (if I were a man!) Two important points have been brought up, developing a stable enough relationship, and making sure that both partners want kids. I would focus on those. There are too many variables and unknowns, I can't see the point in writing off an older woman.

23-05-2013 3:06pm

I filmed a documentary about this from the womans perspective, a few years back. We actually took D4 as an example. Alot of the woman interviewed chose different to the type of many they would normally go for to settle down. All of them did this at the age of 28 so they could be married and have a child at 32 . The men in question were already 30s + .

pastorbarrett · 23-05-2013 8:48pm

Jaysus, I'm loathe to admit this, y'know, being a dude and all, but I've (objectively, of course) noticed broody hankerings of late. Now, I'm in no position to even consider having children, but the idea of having them in my life at some point appeals to me on some level. I find myself privately gushing over rolls of pudgy baby fat, and the seemingly funny shite they do. Basically the same sort of b0llock$ that girlfriends used to go on about which resulted in me raising my eyes, sighing, and stuffing my right hand down my pants for warmth and reassurance. Damn biology. Like the world needs another individual even remotely like me...

Yellow Lobster · 24-05-2013 6:50pm

dearg lady wrote: »

I don't think it would be a major consideration for me (if I were a man!) Two important points have been brought up, developing a stable enough relationship, and making sure that both partners want kids. I would focus on those. There are too many variables and unknowns, I can't see the point in writing off an older woman.

The point of writing off older women is that it reduces the risks of problems conceiving or having unhealthy babies.

Pepe LeFrits · 24-05-2013 6:58pm

I think about it but for different reasons. I guess I assume that women around my age are probably thinking marriage and babies which tends to put me off them a little, as at this point in time I've absolutely no interest in either marriage or having kids, and I don't want to waste their time.

Dating a 22 year old keeps the problem out of mind... :pac:

dearg lady · 24-05-2013 8:31pm

Yellow Lobster wrote: »

The point of writing off older women is that it reduces the risks of problems conceiving or having unhealthy babies.

Oh I understand that, but the point I meant is that it's so hard to meet someone you really click with, and you could marry a younger girl and still have problems conceiving etc, so I wouldn't put SO much focus on age, that's all.

cgarrad · 24-05-2013 8:38pm

Ask people who have had kids who are now in their mid twentys (the kids obv ;-) if they would recommend it.

Most will say no.

I've asked a lot and even their kids are surprised by the answer.

Richard Hillman · 25-05-2013 1:41pm

I was just talking to a pal the other day about this, as we were having our weekly "We are getting so ****ing old" conversation. I am currently 27 and feel I have 5 years left to settle down with something decent as my looks will have completely faded by the time I will reach 33. I dont mean have children by the time I reach 33 but to find a decent suiter.

Getting better looking with age isn't the case with all men. I was far better looking 3-4 years ago and going downhill fast.

riveratom · 25-05-2013 2:20pm

Richard Hillman wrote: »

I was just talking to a pal the other day about this, as we were having our weekly "We are getting so ****ing old" conversation. I am currently 27 and feel I have 5 years left to settle down with something decent as my looks will have completely faded by the time I will reach 33. I dont mean have children by the time I reach 33 but to find a decent suiter.

Getting better looking with age isn't the case with all men. I was far better looking 3-4 years ago and going downhill fast.

You're 27?! Get outta town man, you're just a kid! When I was that age I hadn't a bean really... I'm early 30s now and feel just as young.

If you feel you're going downhill fast then why is that. Maybe look after yourself better, more exercise, eat better, etc. That's off-topic though

riveratom · 25-05-2013 2:22pm

cgarrad wrote: »

Ask people who have had kids who are now in their mid twentys (the kids obv ;-) if they would recommend it.

Most will say no.

I've asked a lot and even their kids are surprised by the answer.

How old are the parents, like at least around mid-40s I presume? I do hear it's just better to have them young in terms of being able to run around after them all and stuff. Plus maybe you don't really want to be in your mid-60s when one of your kids is celebrating their 21st..

Galwayguy35 · 25-05-2013 6:55pm

I'm 38 and yeah I would like to have kids but I also realise that it may not happen, if i was to meet someone tomorrow assuming everything worked out it would be at least a few years before we would be thinking of having a kid.

I would rarely date women that would be more than 3 or 4 years younger than me so fertility issues could be a problem.

Although my mother was nearly 44 when I was born so it can happen for people who plan for a family later in life.

HeadPig · 25-05-2013 6:59pm

riveratom wrote: »

Lately I have found myself realising....

Do you ever think about this kind of thing?

It's simple biology. As a 32 year old man you are probably equivalent to a 25 year old girl. In 10 years both of you will begin to fade strongly in terms of "value" as a potential partner.

karaokeman · 27-05-2013 12:04pm

I do think about it sometimes, I'm 21, single and I think I would like to have kids. I love young ones, and the thought of one of your own is remarkable.

Good thing is I look relatively young for my age, so I am confident that I will retain my looks for enough time to find a girl, build a relationship, get married, and decide on kids.

I have said that when I'm about 30, and if I'm still single I might consider using a dating agency, (but only if I have a career, and have something to offer a woman to provide for our future) there's a few in Ireland like intro.ie and twoscompany, which might be of interest to readers here. They are mainly for professionals who can't find time for dating, though I've heard great reviews. I'm still in college, with no precise plan for my future, so I'm using the aforementioned age as a deadline for when I'd like to at least be started in a career I'm happy with.

I'm undecided about dating websites, I don't like the thought that any "girl" could pretend to be someone they're not, I also like to cut down on the time I spend online.

I don't think I would have a problem dating a girl a few years younger, but of I met one past childbearing age who had everything I look for, I might need to reconsider children, but I'm hopeful I will meet someone with all that who also wants to start a family.

Pepe LeFrits · 27-05-2013 12:33pm

I think you might be getting a bit ahead of yourself there, karoakeman...

wallycharlo · 27-05-2013 1:31pm

Barna77 wrote: »

I don't like kids, I have no patience with them. I've always believed I'd never have any...

Think it's fair to say that one can't get proper perspective on this until you have a child yourself.

A lot of parents who dote on their own kids are very intolerant to other people's children!

knucklehead6 · 27-05-2013 1:45pm

Riveratom and GalwayGuy35 have both made valid points here, and they are the same points that I have had to come to accept as my own particular lot.

I would have liked to have had kids, but it hasn't happened for me. Now i find myself wondering would it be fair on any potential offspring to have kids as i'm 37. Lets say i meet someone and by the time the first bit of fumbling around is done, and by the time you've gotten through the fun and games of a new relationship starting up and all that entails, lets say she decides she wants to be married before any kids are brought along. realistically speaking that's 18 months gone before any kids even entered into the equation. So I'm at least 40 before any kid is born, early 60's when the same kid is celebrating it's 21st.

Is that fair on the kid? I don't think so. So at this stage i've accepted that children are not in my future.....which is a pity cos i always saw myself as having some, feck it, i bought a 4 bed house!!

wallycharlo · 27-05-2013 1:49pm

knucklehead6 wrote: »

...So I'm at least 40 before any kid is born, early 60's when the same kid is celebrating it's 21st.

Is that fair on the kid? I don't think so...

I have no idea how you are coming to that conclusion?

Have you any idea how many children are born these days when one or both parents is 40+?

knucklehead6 · 27-05-2013 2:00pm

wallycharlo wrote: »

I have no idea how you are coming to that conclusion?

Have you any idea how many children are born these days when one or both parents is 40+?

plenty, including my own younger sister.

But how many of those kids are the first-born? With the potential of being an only child?? I'd prefer not to have any kids than just have one.

wallycharlo · 27-05-2013 2:05pm

knucklehead6 wrote: »

...I'd prefer not to have any kids than just have one.

But what would be stopping you having another? i.e. going on your own example you could have the first at 40 and the next at 42/43 etc?

Malari · 27-05-2013 2:05pm

knucklehead6 wrote: »

plenty, including my own younger sister.

But how many of those kids are the first-born? With the potential of being an only child?? I'd prefer not to have any kids than just have one.

I know several people who started families in their 40s. Of course there are more risks, but even if you only have one, what's so bad about having an only child? Granted, it may not be your preference, but it's not a curse or anything!

B0jangles · 27-05-2013 2:48pm

knucklehead6 wrote: »

Riveratom and GalwayGuy35 have both made valid points here, and they are the same points that I have had to come to accept as my own particular lot.

I would have liked to have had kids, but it hasn't happened for me. Now i find myself wondering would it be fair on any potential offspring to have kids as i'm 37. Lets say i meet someone and by the time the first bit of fumbling around is done, and by the time you've gotten through the fun and games of a new relationship starting up and all that entails, lets say she decides she wants to be married before any kids are brought along. realistically speaking that's 18 months gone before any kids even entered into the equation. So I'm at least 40 before any kid is born, early 60's when the same kid is celebrating it's 21st.

Is that fair on the kid? I don't think so. So at this stage i've accepted that children are not in my future.....which is a pity cos i always saw myself as having some, feck it, i bought a 4 bed house!!

My Grandad was 47 when his first child was born and 52 when he and my Grandmother had twins. They had a very happy family life and he was even lucky enough to live to see all of his grandchildren born. He died when I was 11 so old enough to have real memories of him.

Don't feel too old, sure you're only a babby

riveratom · 27-05-2013 2:58pm

knucklehead6 wrote: »

Riveratom and GalwayGuy35 have both made valid points here, and they are the same points that I have had to come to accept as my own particular lot.

I would have liked to have had kids, but it hasn't happened for me. Now i find myself wondering would it be fair on any potential offspring to have kids as i'm 37. Lets say i meet someone and by the time the first bit of fumbling around is done, and by the time you've gotten through the fun and games of a new relationship starting up and all that entails, lets say she decides she wants to be married before any kids are brought along. realistically speaking that's 18 months gone before any kids even entered into the equation. So I'm at least 40 before any kid is born, early 60's when the same kid is celebrating it's 21st.

Is that fair on the kid? I don't think so. So at this stage i've accepted that children are not in my future.....which is a pity cos i always saw myself as having some, feck it, i bought a 4 bed house!!

Ah I think 37 is plenty young dude, sure if you had a kid when you were 40 then you'd only be in your early-mid 50s' when s/he would be starting secondary school, you're only a young buck still to be fair. If you were female you'd be right to be getting concerned, but you've still plenty of time I reckon.

A lot of it will come down to how you look after yourself is the way I look at it. You could be 60 and in peak shape, much fitter than someone 20 years younger! Sure I'm only back from the gym and there was a guy on the cross-trainer next to me - I'd say he was in his mid 60s and he was giving it socks.

iptba · 27-05-2013 3:10pm

riveratom wrote: »

How old are the parents, like at least around mid-40s I presume? I do hear it's just better to have them young in terms of being able to run around after them all and stuff. Plus maybe you don't really want to be in your mid-60s when one of your kids is celebrating their 21st..

Quite a lot of people who start early don't stop early - they have a third or a fourth (say). If two would do somebody, it can be an advantage starting late.

riveratom · 27-05-2013 3:16pm

iptba wrote: »

Quite a lot of people who start early don't stop early - they have a third or a fourth (say). If two would do somebody, it can be an advantage starting late.

Perhaps, but the later you leave it the riskier it all gets. I also read somewhere that biologically there is a difference between having one earlier on and then another later, compared to having your first later on. Not sure of the details on that though, but maybe it means that having one say in your early 30s means it would be easier to conceive in your later 30s, for example. I don't know the ins and outs of that though.

karaokeman · 27-05-2013 4:37pm

I've read that having children at a later age (50s abouts) increases the chances of them having Downs Syndrome. I'm no science nerd so I wouldn't be able to explain the factors that cause this to happen.

That said I have an uncle who didn't have kids until his early 50s, and his last was born when he was 56, and none of them have any sort of medical condition.

Dating and the Biological Clock

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