My thoughts on Paris Hilton and Obama and their threesome with Curt Ville!!!

AlmightyCushion wrote: »

I think I speak for everyone when I say, what the fúck.

amp wrote: »

Or to put it in less SHINEY terms: At last! A moment of clarity.

:pac::pac::pac::pac:
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Fellow humans, I thank you for reading these humble words that I write, encased as I am, almost only in towelling and thinsulate (NO PANTS!!!!). I am amp or as am I known variously depending on your temporal viewpoint:

Adam Brendan Jewell, amp, ampinstein, pam, AJ, DEATHGIVER2003, Mysterio, First Lord Category Moderator of Games and it's environs (retired), etc etc.....

I think Douglas Adams said it best with "I'm just this guy, you know?"

Anyhoo, for sometime I have been locked away in my own brain feverishly coming up with somesort of masterpiece of work, and I now have at least a rough outline of what it is, and I have seem to have gathered most of the tools I need to do it with.

Speaking of tools, and in this sense I mean actual goddamned saws with frackin laser beams attached I'M NOT KIDDING - ALSO PLEASE CHECK OUT THE ARGOS CATALOGUE WHICH HAS LASER GUIDED SCISSORS NOW! You will never know the awesoma power of driving around a german engineered car with the amount of tools I have in it. I could build anything. If I visited a forest right now I could develop my own civilisation, two weeks tops (honest, I've done the simulations enough).

Boards.ie has grown very large since I joined way back in the last millennium, before most of you were born I imagine, and in that time it has been nurtured and protected by the five admins, and the growing legion of people with the sole ability of having that precious gift of common sense, and all the while hiding boards.ie's true purpose, which I cannot reveal to you just yet, but read on and I may just wander back to it again.

Boards has been a tremendous force for good in the world. We have, mere nerds, come together and drank and ****ed and sang and laughed, how we have laughed, but as a monolithic culture, well that's already gone, there is no monolithic culture on boards any more. Boards has become the transport layer, the infrastructure with which new cultures can emerge from. At first this realisation saddened me. The party was over, time to go to work.

But then, in trying to understand the world outside boards, I discovered that the culture we live in, which for most of us geographically at least is known as the West, is heading towards a very important moment.

It's about to die. Yes, you heard me. The end of the world is nigh.

*/me respectfully waits until the deafening roar of Internet Explorers back clicks dies down somewhat*

Aha! some of you are still reading, which is good. Let me tell you a bit about what I know about you.

I don't mean plural, I mean you, the person reading this right now. You are bored obviously, but you are the type of person that when promised something can quite stubbornly wade through oceans of drivel in order to receive your prize, but we will come to that later.

You like reading books. You love being kissed gently on the neck.

You have been on boards long enough to figure out where Feedback is, you have your own computer, or are obsessive but poor enough to be in a Nethouse injecting yourself with warm internet goodness.


(I don't like internet places like that, not to pick on Nethouse, I mean any internet shop. I keep expecting somebody somewhere to suddenly scream out **** IT! I CAN'T HOLD IT IN ANY LONGER!!! before masturbating furiously, and no, I've never been tempted, and no, it's not an ongoing fetish or fantasy (no really, I'll ****ing use more brackets if you don't believe me))

I could make further startlingly accurate descriptions of who you are, using simple tricks such as demographics and whatnot but **** that. Onward with the mad ravings of a man firmly holding onto a sandwich boards which reads THE END OF THE WORLD IS ****ING NIGH BABY!

The banks have collapsed and are taking the world as we knew it with them. That final scene in Fight Club? It just happened, more or less. Obama, the new hope, the Messiah sent from God Himself, is among us bringing his two lambs Hope and Change. He's a clever ****er, I'll give him that. He's made it this far, but is he the one that delivers us finally from the overbearing Roman Empire? Is Republicanism really dead? Has the internet killed it? Who knows, and more importantly; who gives a ****? Maybe Obama really is the new Jesus, why not? I'm sure if Jesus were around today he'd be all like. "Seriously, are you still going on about **** I said ****ing 2000 years ago?"

And that's the problem. Stagnation. Western mainstream culture has stalled, it has peaked and it's now in it's final deathrows.

Exhibit A:
Paris Hilton.
Famous for being famous, and getting ****ed by an idiot.
Women want to be like Paris Hilton because Paris Hilton is famous. Companies sell **** to women that want to be Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton gets paid, but doesn't care because money is just a score card. An abstract value which has more meaning to her by a very small margin than her score on her favourite DS game. And that's not a gag commenting on what an idiot she is, because that in itself would imply that all women who like her are idiots. And they're not, they're just too tired to come up with their own identity so why not copy somebody who seems to be good at it? That's not stupidity, it's just laziness, brought about by our culture.

Exhibit B:
DeadSet.
A thoroughly great zombie flick for everybody who hates the Big Brother money generating machine (sorry I meant ongoing "social experiment") and was so happy to see Davina McCall do something actually ****ing good on Television again.
And by this I mean the general rise in interest in Zombies. There is that sense we all have that world is going to change immensely over the next few years. Some of it may want to eat your Braaanes.

Exhibit C:
The Sixties.
There are those that would have you believe that the Sixties actually ended. Sure from a temporal point of view they have in fact ended. We are not currently in a re-interpretation of whatever decade from the previous millennium Vogue or Cosmo tells us we are in. We live in an age were the ideals of the sixties are getting tantalizingly close. Free love and all that hippy crap.

And all of this leads to us to 2015, the new sixties, when culture becomes steam and you can be whoever the **** you want to be. Western mainstream culture goes out the window, the internet takes over television, television as a concept ceases as more an more people find it simply easier to pull data directly from the people making it. No more middlemen, taxing the gateways of culture. If somebody has an idea, they share it, and suddenly less people die, or more people get other ideas and combine it with yet others until we achieve something greater than the sum of our parts, something wonderful and good and positive and evolving into what will be for lack of a better word:


God

Now obviously, I'm simplifying to a great extent, and from your point of view that's probably a bit of a stretch, and if you're one of those people still firmly in the grip of a religious companies customer retention schemes then I apologise profusely for blaspheming or dissing your favourite companies product, to use modern terminology.

Religion as a concept is dying. Oh sure. some flavour is on the rise here or there but inevitably people will try and find their own answers to the big questions.

Capitalism was progress, great progress. Put us on the moon so it did,and gave us the intertubes. It made people rich. It brought liberty and enlightenment to many, but not all. Humanity is bored of capitalism, as a culture we sense it, most of us on a subconcious level, the rest of us on a more personal, but increasingly less isolated level, joining up in little groups, being careful about what we say and who we say it to, ingesting substances, sometimes just to see what reality looks like when you change the voltage, sometimes to try and find that inner peace we all seek, when we are not consuming, feeding, worrying. That day we all hope for, when we can go back to being children again and see the world and how utterly wonderful it is.

We will get to a point were each individual person is their own culture, their own country, their own religion, their own property.

That is the hidden purpose behind this website, this culture of cultures, it is a function of humanities wish to be free. If the Admins hadn't set it up, then somebody else would have, and it wouldn't be very different. Boards was something, and I would hope the admins don't think I'm dissing them at all when I say this, that simply had to happen

I have been very lucky to have been close to some of the people toiling away behind the curtain, I have been privileged to have been allowed entry to observe and learn from the wizards.

But my lessons are complete, I have learned all I can from boards, and must move on to pastures anew. As I once left the hallowed playground of Alt.Stupidity (HELLO STOOOPIDS!!!!!), I must now leave boards.

I'm currently studying what seems to be called Web 2.0. I'm not going to tell you which flavour, but suffice to say, the data is easier to access, it's more up to date, and it's far far easier to filter out the idiots.

This will also be my final FINAL blog entry, because it seems to sum up with what my blog was for. It answers the question of "who am I?" as best I can so far.

Some of my work, in the next while will be condensing the above into the forms of t-shirts or something. Not totally sure yet. Ask me after Obama's re-election speech, I'll have a much better idea then.

And now for the dramatic twist at the end!


FOR ADMINS AND THEIR LACKEYS EYES ONLY. ANYBODY BELOW THE RANK OF CATEGORY MOD, GO **** OFF AND IMAGINE BEING PARIS HILTON OR AN IDIOT ****ING PARIS HILTON, OR A SMALL DOG WATCHING AN IDIOT ****ING PARIS HILTON. PARIS HILTON IS A ****ING IDIOT DOG WATCHING HERSELF **** A DOG. **** PARIS HILTON.

(Right about now, your brain has counted the number of asterisks in the last paragraph and is now thinking "What the **** does he have against her? I'd tap that ass, or want to have that ass (or be a dog watching that ass get tapped)". The truth is, Paris Hilton is the new Helen of Troy, the last figurehead goddess of a dying culture and I'm merely using her as a comedy prop)

Now, I've previously asked to be removed from moderator duties. I've poked and prodded my good friend and teacher on many occasions to perform whatever bizarre crap that can disentangle me from the infrastructure of boards. I will do so no more. He is my friend and should not be the receiver of stress from his friend. That should be the sole preserve of idiots AND PEOPLE WHO DO NOT DO WHAT HE SAYS!

And so, I've decided to hold a gun to the head of the boards.ie itself. As our new Lord And Saviour receives his titles of office at the head of our wondrous culture, I will go rogue. I will make Pars exit look like a children's tea party. I will escalate my actions until my demands are met.

To condense:
De-mod me before Obama becomes King or else.

Now some of you are thinking. Jesus! the sheer gall of the man. Who the **** does he think he is? Obama? Well **** you. You're an idiot. I'm just this guy, who helped build boards, who set up some of the **** you either don't know about or take for granted and I'm sick of receiving e-mail from idiots I don't care about AND NEVER WILL. I'm sick of a boards that requires me to fill out a ****ING REPORT CARD because some idiot has proven to be lacking the intelligence to continue posting in a forum I moderate. That's just the level of stupidity I'm no longer willing to volunteer my time for.

Now for the end credits. Fair play to you for making it this far.

The End

Adam Brendan Jewell: amp
Amp: Adam Brendan Jewell
Ampinstein: Adam Brendan Jewell
Obama: Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton: A dog
The Entirety of Western Culture, beginning in Greece, stagnating in Rome, perpetuated by the Roman Catholic Church, reaching it's Zenith in Washington DC on 20th January 2009 and ending sometime around 2015: You
You: That's really a question you should think about more.
Bill Hicks, The Daily Show, Anyone who uses truth as comedy and comedy as truth: Enlighteners, Philosophers, Magicians

This post was sponsored by the following madness:
Glminesweeper - Coming soon in MMPORG FORM!
There is no left or right.
There is no up or down.
Everything you know is wrong.
**** your couch.
Science is my religion.
The secret to being cool is to try as hard as you can NOT to be cool. Buy a stupid hat today.
Scientology is a scam, just on a scale so big it has become a religion.
There is no good or bad, just different shades of stupid.
It's ok to not be afraid.
If you think now is wierd, WAIT'LL YOU GET A LOAD OF THE FUTURE!!!!!!!11
Ché wasn't cool. He was an idiot who died trying to spread idiocy. Anybody who wears a t-shirt that just has Ché on it is an idiot. Please tell them this.
Don't do this to people wearing t-shirts that say what I'm saying but in catchier t-shirt form.
Language is a tool not a prison.
Don't let people tell you who you are. Only you can do that!
YOU ARE THE COMMANDER OF YOUR OWN PERSONAL CHOICE!
I'm not a terrorist. I'm a loverist.
Wake up! Time to go to work!
Time is an idea. Ideas can evolve.
Evolution is STILL HAPPENING! and it's getting faster! Are you ready?

Disclaimer:

This post and and indeed any of my posts are the ramblings of a frequently self-confessed madman and general idiot. The respective owners of boards.ie are good people with good intentions deserve nothing but praise and blow jobs and should never ever be linked to anything I say or do in any fashion whatsoever. Parts of this post contradict other parts of this post. Or do they? No animals were harmed in the making of this post, aside from a midge or two contracting cancer from the last of my Polish cigarettes, and Paris Hiltons dog, which got ****ed repeatedly by an idiot. People who have suddenly found themselves thinking uncomfortable thoughts from reading this posts should either lie down OR PUT ON DIFFERENT GLASSES. Certain parts of this post are subliminal. If you have a pet bat in the room please switch on your Batdesensomatic(tm) now. May cause drowsiness. Your contribution is not tax-deductible as a charitibution for Federal income tax purposes. Some of this post has been copied wholesale from people cleverer than me, and I've just dumbed it down so you can understand it. Took me many years to reach this point, I hope it will take you less. Curt Ville did not give permission to have his name mentioned in this post. This site is mainosecution in a federal curt. For site security purposes, as well as to ensure that this service remains availaball users, we use software prograhange information or otherwause damage. In the event of authorized law enforcigations and pursuant to any required legal process, information from these sources may be used to help an individual.The Informatained in these Web pages is, to the best of our knowltrue and accurate at the time of publicatolely for informational purposes. OllscoihÉirann, Gailimh accepts no liabilitoss or damage howsoever arising as a result of use of or reliformation, whether authorised or no. Barrel roll flip. Dismount \o/


PEACE! I LOVE YOU ALL! ESPECIALLY THE IDIOTS! YOU GAVE ME LAUGHTER WITH YOUR IDIOCY! YOU INSPIRED ME TO WANT TO BE GREATER THAN I AM! TO BE LESS STUPID! TO THINK OUTSIDE OF ANY BOXES! TO SEE WHAT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN! TO BE ALIVE AT THE GREATEST TIME ANY HUMANS HAVE EVER KNOWN! Christ, I could have been born in the dark ages, or as a caveman OR IN THE FUTURE!...... BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHAKES FIST AT SKY!!

Now, have I forgotten anything?
Disclaimer - check
Various "truths" from the "intertron" - check
Intelligent calcium - check
Cheque - check
Summary - ****

Right then ok. So long to all. I really do love you all. I'm not just saying that. It's a big world out there and there's only one of me and I may not live for ever. Experience as much as you can before you kick it. I certainly intend to. I've done far more than I even thought was possible when I was a kid. I have lived well and hope to live for a long time. I hope you find happiness, I hope you find love, I hope that no matter how much words are abused for the interests of some that you actually still believe that Change is Possible and that hope can be a good thing.

Keys. Wallet, watch, phone, testicles. Ok, I'm good. Catch ya on the flipside!
:pac::pac::pac::pac::eek:

P.s. If you think this took a long time to read, IT TOOK ME NINE ****ING YEARS TO WRITE!

Summary/tldr:
Well, well. Ok then. Basically, I've gone a bit looney and started raving about nonsense. Don't worry about it. Obama, Hilton and Ville never had a threesome, I just used that as bait to get you to click the thread. Love yourself and you will find love. Above all, evolve.:pac:

amp wrote: »

Congratulations, you win the prize for being the biggest idiot so far. You have quoted my entire GIGANTIC PHALLUS of a post to merely add that I am a legend.

YOUR A ****ING MORON WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING I JUST WROTE!

Have a nice day