The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Capt'n Midnight · 27-11-2010 2:29pm

EverEvolving wrote: »

who's the coolest guy in a hospital?

The ultra-sound guy.

And when he's gone , who is the coolest guy in the hospital ?

The hip replacement guy

Capt'n Midnight · 27-11-2010 2:32pm

Two ducks flying over Norn Iron

One says to the other 'Quack quack'

And the other one says 'I canna go any quacker'

MiciG91 · 27-11-2010 3:50pm

After 2 hours of wandering around Boots , I eventually found the disposable contact lenses .

Aisle C .

The Floyd p · 27-11-2010 3:52pm

"Now that doesn't look like a foot"

Thought the sock.

Ghandee · 27-11-2010 4:03pm

Whats grey and comes in pints?

An elephant!

Pookah · 27-11-2010 4:16pm

A man and his wife are woke up, at 3 o'clock in the morning, by loud knocking on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger stands, in the pouring rain.

"Any chance you could give me a push?" he asks.

"No chance" says the husband -- "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!". He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just some chap wanting a push" he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and pouring down with rain."

"Well, you've have an awful short memory" says his wife. "You don't remember about three months ago when the car broke down on holidays and those two strangers helped us? I think you should help him."

The husband lets out a sigh, gets dressed, goes out into the wet, and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" shouts the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"I'm over here on the swings!"

reap-a-rat · 27-11-2010 4:34pm

Was laughin for about 20 mins when I heard this, its not even very funny, its just brilliant at the same time!

Why did the bus crash?
Because the driver was a loaf of bread!

Was made even funnier by my friend saying "Its funny coz the bus is the same shape as the loaf of bread!

":D:D:D

alwaysadub · 27-11-2010 4:43pm

What's the most common type of owl?

A teet-owl.

reap-a-rat · 27-11-2010 4:49pm

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Who.

Who who?

What are you, an owl or something?

Spunge · 27-11-2010 4:59pm

What do you call a black man flying a plane?

A pilot.

Einhard · 27-11-2010 5:35pm

JerryHandbag wrote: »

So theres this guy who enters the paralympics, and he's got no legs or arms, in fact he's got no torso either....he's just a head, and he's brilliant at swimming.

Was his name Bob?!

:pac:

MiciG91 · 27-11-2010 6:03pm

i entered the snail race the last few years but never one, so i decided to take off its shell to make it more aerodynamic'
did it work?
No, if anything it made it more sluggish

curlzy · 27-11-2010 6:09pm

A guy is stuck on the M50. Traffic's barely crawling. Next thing, a garda knocks on his window. So he says "what's happening garda?" and the garda says "Well sir, some pensioners have kidnapped the Taoiseach, Mary Harney, Brian Lenihan and the top bankers. If they don't get €30 million they said they'll douse them in petrol and set them alight. So we're going from car to car for dontions" So the man says "How much is everyone giving?" and the garda replies "Oh about a litre":D

talla10 · 27-11-2010 6:13pm

Back in school i was gonna join the debate team but someone talked me out of it.

Two sausages sitting in a frying pan. One says to the other 'It's gettin hot in here'. The other one says 'Oh my god a talking sauage!!'

What do ya tell a woman who has two black eyes?

Nothin ya havent told her twice already

Why cant women ski?

No snow in the kitchen

and so on...

SemiMental · 27-11-2010 6:21pm

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.

He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.'"

She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why yes, I do. How did you know?"

The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."

Einhard · 27-11-2010 6:27pm

You hear about the gay magican?

He disappeared with a puff.:pac:

Ba-boom. Thank you folks. I'm here all week. Don't forget to tip your waitress.

Blondini · 27-11-2010 6:36pm

Was stung badly by a bee the other day ....

€50 for a jar of honey!

horseplay · 27-11-2010 6:36pm

what do blondes and turtles have in common ?

once they're on their back they're ****ed

RMD · 27-11-2010 6:51pm

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready." The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!" The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look. Then he quietly explained;

"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any ****ing Frenchmen to show it to."

cocoshovel · 27-11-2010 8:49pm

This might upset someone so Ill spoiler it. Read at your own risk.

Knock knock.
Who's there?

The Police.

The police who?

Sir open the door, your wife has just died in a car accident we need to speak to you

bUILDERtHEbOB · 27-11-2010 8:56pm

Why did Jonny fall off his bike?

Someone threw a fridge at him.

Cantona's Collars · 27-11-2010 9:15pm

How do you know there's an elephant in your fridge?

There's footprints in the butter.

Balfie · 27-11-2010 9:41pm

Parachute For Sale.
One Owner, Used once.
Never Opened.
Blood Stained.

Setun · 27-11-2010 9:44pm

Here's my mediocre joke to add to the pile

Garda Murphy was out on the beat on a quiet Tuesday afternoon when he bumped into the local aul fella, curiously wandering down the road with a box on a leash. Garda Murphy decided to humour the man:

"Beautiful dog you have there. What's his name?"
"It's not a dog, it's a box", the aul fella replied sharply.
"Oh, ok then. Sorry, eh, sorry for disturbing you then." The Garda walked off and went on his business. The aul fella turned to the box and said:

"Haha, we fooled him that time, didn't we Rover?"

deco nate · 27-11-2010 9:49pm

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco's buying a large bag of Purina dog
food for my Aunts Springer Spaniel and was in the checkout queue
when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones
before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled
with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.

skyhighflyer · 27-11-2010 9:53pm

So a guy goes to see his doctor, and the doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating."

And the guy's like, "What, why?"

The doctor replies, "So I can examine you."

skyhighflyer · 27-11-2010 9:54pm

How do you confuse a blonde?

Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

Fago! · 27-11-2010 10:05pm

what's the difference between "a Kangaroo" and "a Kangaroot"?

One is a marsupial, the other is what someone from Newcastle would say if they were stuck in a bathroom cubicle!

shelwrex · 27-11-2010 10:06pm

What's the difference between Fairy and the IMF?

Fairy is 50% tougher on Greece.;)

TheBunk1 · 27-11-2010 10:08pm

My motto is "never say never."

Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...

EverEvolving · 27-11-2010 10:14pm

Who is the smartest guy in the army?

General Knowledge

______________________________________________________

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

______________________________________________________

A monastery decided to start a fish and chip shop. When it opened, a customer comes in and asks one of the clerics: Are you the fish fryer? No, the cleric answers, I'm the chip monk!

:pac: :pac: :pac:

Boxfresh · 27-11-2010 10:18pm

Knock Knock...

Who's there?

Not Madeline Mc Cann

michael999999 · 27-11-2010 10:21pm

little johnnie jumps on a bus and sits right behind the driver.johnnie starts singing at the top of hes voice"if my mommy was a cow and my daddy was a bull then id be a calf...if my mammy was a ewe and my daddy was a ram then id be a lamb...if my mammy was a mare and my dad a stallion then id be a foal...if my mammy was a sow and my daddy was a boar then id be a piglet..." the bus driver was getting fed up and said to johnnie "if your mammy was a f****ing prostitute and your daddy was a f***ing w*****r,what would you be?johnnie replied without a blink "id be a f****ing bus driver!"

im sick and tired of getting e mails and phone calls since my dog savaged a nakaar to death...for the last f***ing time HES NOT FOR SALE!!

flahavaj · 27-11-2010 10:33pm

Have you heard the one about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field.

UpCork · 27-11-2010 10:53pm

flahavaj wrote: »

Have you heard the one about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field.

]That is my favourite joke ever!

Turtyturd · 27-11-2010 10:54pm

Two fish in a tank...one turns to the other and says how do you drive this thing?

Ectoplasm · 27-11-2010 10:54pm

One that makes me laugh

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"

Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf
Nuns in Rome ?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
And answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all
Of Europe ?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .

"This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry
Glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
Anywhere in the world?"

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my
Son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,
Pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
Chanting......

"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

DublinWriter · 27-11-2010 10:54pm

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.

Fart · 27-11-2010 11:02pm

mfceiling wrote: »

Why do elephants have 4 feet......................................cause they'd look silly with 6 inches

haha, love it.

rannerap · 27-11-2010 11:04pm

whats white and blued and if it falls out of a tree it could kill you?

A fridge wearing a denim jacket

EverEvolving · 27-11-2010 11:07pm

flahavaj wrote: »

Have you heard the one about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field.

Why did the farmer win a prize?

He was outstanding in his field

The Joc · 27-11-2010 11:21pm

Black man walks into bar with a parrot on his shoulder,Bar man says 'Jesus where did yea get dat'. The parrot replies 'Africa ders thousands of the bastards dere'.

Fart · 27-11-2010 11:21pm

Fianna Fail: Putting the N in Cuts!

Blazer · 27-11-2010 11:32pm

Care of sickapedia...some of the finest jokes around

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

I've got a real problem. You know those women you'd give anything for, but you know you can't have? Well, i've got it really bad for one right now. Worse thing is, she knows i'm into her and that just turns her on more. I can't stop thinking about her. But i know, I KNOW it'll only end in tears. So I told myself the next time i saw her i was gonna resist.

Nice idea.

God, she was all over me as soon as I stepped in the door, kissing and touching me. Then she suddenly cools off with no warning. A total cock tease. She's always dressed immaculately, and today was no different. She was wearing this breezy little floral number, down to just below her knees; minimum jewellery - just a bracelet and a simple necklace. Real classy.

We talked for a bit, and she made us some lunch. Then, as she was clearing away she "accidentally" dropped a knife. **** me, she bent down SO SLOWLY, letting out the sexiest little groan you ever heard. As I was sitting there in the chair, taking in the view, all I could think was:

"****...if you weren't my grandmother you would be in SERIOUS TROUBLE right now."

keano_afc · 27-11-2010 11:49pm

A guy is strolling down the street in London where he comes across an old
lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie.
The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies I've
always wanted to be lucky."
The genie grants his wish. So off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will
change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the footpath. Not a bad start he
thinks. As he picks it up, he notices a Ladbrokes betting shop across the
road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse
named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He puts the 10 quid on the
nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.
Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts
up at the roulette table and puts the whole 1010 quid on "Lucky seven."
Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" on Lucky Seven.
Now he's really flying....what better way to celebrate than to head to
the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters,
when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of
champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and
says,
"Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our
lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the
pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge."
The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl....so
he's ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls the most gorgeous
sub-continental he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is
strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp 101 to 532) is being
well and truly tested.
At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most
beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I
am.
But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't
like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."
The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please
you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone,
then please scratch off my caste mark."
So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans
back and starts laughing his ass off.
"What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl.
To which the bloke replies, "You're never going to believe this, but I've
just won a car!"

PARKHEAD67 · 27-11-2010 11:56pm

The Rangers board have decided to change sponsorship from Tennants to Tampax immediately. Its a good change since the club has been going through an awful bad period.:eek:

PARKHEAD67 · 27-11-2010 11:58pm

What does a rangers fan do after watching rangers beat barca in the champions league?
Turns off his playstation.:D (Ill get my coat):o.

mobby · 28-11-2010 12:01am

some great laughs here.

my poor efforts below,

What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?

A slap happy Jappy, with a crap happy pappy.

What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?

- Quattro Sink-o

and ....
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, whereupon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my damn ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"

Spunge · 28-11-2010 12:02am

bUILDERtHEbOB wrote: »

Why did Jonny fall off his bike?

Someone threw a fridge at him.

man i remember hearing that when i was a kid,

lol'd so hard.

Fart · 28-11-2010 12:02am

keano_afc wrote: »

A guy is strolling down the street in London where he comes across an old
lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie.
The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies I've
always wanted to be lucky."
The genie grants his wish. So off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will
change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the footpath. Not a bad start he
thinks. As he picks it up, he notices a Ladbrokes betting shop across the
road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse
named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He puts the 10 quid on the
nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.
Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts
up at the roulette table and puts the whole 1010 quid on "Lucky seven."
Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" on Lucky Seven.
Now he's really flying....what better way to celebrate than to head to
the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters,
when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of
champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and
says,
"Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our
lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the
pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge."
The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl....so
he's ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls the most gorgeous
sub-continental he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is
strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp 101 to 532) is being
well and truly tested.
At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most
beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I
am.
But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't
like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."
The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please
you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone,
then please scratch off my caste mark."
So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans
back and starts laughing his ass off.
"What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl.
To which the bloke replies, "You're never going to believe this, but I've
just won a car!"

I'm in tears, ya bollox. hahaha

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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