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LETS ALL LAUGH AT PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION!!

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Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,801 ✭✭✭Ruudi_Mentari


    I think the problem for people who don't suffer from Depression is they just cannot understand it. On the outside I appear normal whatever that means, well groomed , tanned , fit,outgoing , friendly , full of life, a good communicator......

    However on the inside I have suffered from Depression for circa 6 years. Even my nearest and dearest cannot understand how I have been in the intervening years. Yes, I have been at my absolute lowest when on several occasions, suicide appeared to be the only way to take away the mental exhaustion and frustration.But suicide is not the answer.

    The solution was having a very good GP, Psychiatrist, Psychologist, Counsellor, whom I have worked with conscientiously over the last 6 years

    Depression not only impacts on mental health , but can have an impact on physical health too, I needed the assistance of a Cardiologist and a Gastroenterologist who were wonderful in ensuring my physical health did not deteriorate , but improve.

    I have found this thread on Boards truly wonderful, for quite a while I merely read the posts of other OPs, until I finally had enough courage this year to post.
    Posting here has helped me realise that I am not the only one suffering from Depression and that I am chatting with other like minded people, many of whom have indeed helped and inspired me.

    It actually has become irrelevant for me that other people close to me do not understand Depression, indeed for the last 6 years many people close to me are not even aware of my condition. I don't envisage ever discussing it with them either because they would not understand.

    Personally, I find the people who have the greatest understanding are the people on this thread , my fellow warriors in the battle against Depression.

    If anyone feels they would like to contact me at any time, you are very welcome to PM me.

    I stress I am not from a medical background, but merely a fellow soldier.

    Best wishes always

    Del

    Oh; right. Well I am a very isolative character and choose to just ride out what I believe is a condition of the soul; if its even depression at all but it weighs greatly when it does crop up again which is all the rarer with time but then I have difficult relations from within a broken home full of embittered infighting down the decades and that is probably the root because what stems from home, carries over and I can't hold down a decent friendship let lone relationship as what happens is other people unwittingly become what i unwittingly perceive, in my quest for true empathy which I crave badly yet can't actually go about

    but you put a genuinely brave face on it, regardless as i like to think i did and is encouraging to see you guys can actually hook up over it -

    John.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,096 ✭✭✭Reiketsu


    I have having a rubbish time lately. I have been suffering from depression on and off for 10 years now. Recently, in May, I fell out with a very good friend of mine. She said I had been talking about her behind her back, which I 100% hadn't been. Due to this we can obviously not all go out together in a group anymore but my friends and my ex friend have had 4 nights out together since stuff happened and I haven't been out once. I haven't been on a night out in almost 3 months and have saw 3 friends for a few hours spread out over that period. When it first happened I said it upset me and I felt left out and like people were taking sides and suggested that in future maybe we should both be asked out and leave it up to ourselves if we wished to go. Felt that was the fairest way. Obviously that didn't happen. I feel so lonely and its gotten to the point that when my daughter stays with her father (single parent here) I sit and cry because I have no company. It sounds so silly but I can't help it. The whole thing is so childish and I thought my friends valued me as much as I do them but clearly not. I also haven't been in a relationship for a few years and everyone around me is settling down. I'm generally okay being single but right now I hate it. Guess I just want company.

    A few weeks after all this happened my stepfather died of cancer. I left my daughter in care of my brother and her grandad on her dads side for a week to go to Scotland and be with my mother as thats where they live and my brother flew over for the funeral. I didn't want her out of school for a week. When I got home I had a letter from a social worker saying I had been reported by my ex and his father for "abandoning" my daughter and going on holidays...along with a whole list of lies, saying I wasn't feeding her, she didn't have clothes etc. Thankfully it all blew over quickly simply because it was lies but it was horrific having a stranger invade my private life and make me question how well Im doing. When I have a bad day its one of the things I wonder, if Im a good mother and to have myself reported really dented my confidence.

    At the moment I find it hard to care about myself at all. I don't care how I look, I have put on weight and hate how I look. I have IBS too and frequent headaches and I am so tired of feeling like complete crap both physically and mentally. I don't feel my doctor even takes me seriously when I do go to see him. I've started feeling anxious again and taking panic attacks and I have insomnia again. I'm just so fed up at the minute. I can't even find pleasure in music - have a couple of gigs in the next few weeks and Im not even excited. However on the plus side I am going back to college in September and I hope that gives me a boost.

    Sorry for the vent, just needed to get stuff off my chest.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,449 ✭✭✭Call Me Jimmy


    Sorry to read you're having a tough time. Not much I can say.

    I can relate to your loneliness but maybe it will lead ultimately to some growth / maturing of the soul? It has had that effect on me at least.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,308 ✭✭✭downonthefarm


    sorry to hear things are not going well,i have been at the rock bottom myself,i know you feel worthless but you have as much right to be alive as anyone else.keep fighting the good fight.....remember get up ya bum mickey loves ya!!


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    Said goodbye tonight to a coursemate of mine who's moving back home. It put into perspective how close I am to finishing my Masters and how I'll soon be back at home. I don't realistically have any other option but to move back home, for financial reasons. And I am absolutely dreading it more and more every single day.

    I know I'm being ungrateful, 'cause my parents are so good to me and my Mam is delighted about having me home again but other than my immediate family my homeplace has absolutely NOTHING for me. The thought of being back in a rural isolated environment s already making me feel lonely and hopeless about the future. I'm gonna try applying for jobs in the UK in the hope that I can move back. I'll have to apply for stuff in Ireland too but unless I somehow managed to find something in Dublin I can't ever imagine it making me happy. I'm the type of person who needs a big city environment to flourish; I have no friends from my childhood, very few from my teenage years and not many from my undergrad years. This year was the first year in a long time I put myself out there to make friends, and the thought of not getting to see them regularly is upsetting but what's even worse is the thought of being stuck back in an environment where making friends like that is almost impossible.

    I really can't cope with the thought of a rural or small town environment - it will absolutely crush my spirit. :( But what if I can't escape it when I move back home? It's not like I have a world class CV or the confidence to chase down job opportunities and sail through interviews. No-one wants to employ a depressive anxious wreck. :( I've never been one for planning my life out, I prefer to be a bit spontaneous than rigidly stick to a plan. But not knowing that I'll at least manage to escape what appears to lie immediately ahead of me is absolutely terrifying. What if I don't escape?


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  • Registered Users Posts: 91 ✭✭Dilly.


    I went through a bad spell of depression when I was about 16, months of that time are like a blur to me. I can't put myself back in my own shoes then so I understand how someone who has never suffered from depression can find it really difficult to relate to. I just remember lying in bed, feeling as though I physically could not get up out of bed to go to school or even to get up and get dressed...the smallest decisions like deciding what to wear were just over whelming.

    I've suffered a lot from anxiety since then. Its a massive fear of mine that I would ever end up severely depressed like that again and I think this fear almost becomes obsessive and causes me to be anxious and feel like I'm not coping or won't be able to cope with different situations and its just a viscous circle if that makes sense?

    I had been doing pretty well for the last few years, especially after I finished college, moved out of home and got myself a full time job. My job was quite pressured...stressful at time...long hours but overall my mental health was great. I had drive, determination, ambition. I suppose it gave me something to focus on, I enjoyed and cherished my time off to relax. I had a busy social life and my mental health never really came into my thoughts I was coping great.

    Then I unexpectantly lost my job. I have been trying so hard to get a job but its so hard! I know its only been a short while and everyone has been telling me to just chill out and enjoy the good weather we had been having I can feel my anxiety levels rising and I'm worried. As I'm typing this I can feel my heart racing, then I start to worry about the damage my mental health is doing to my physical health. I feel bad for not having a job, not contributing to society. I'm embarrassed about being on the dole. I know I'm being hard on myself. I know if it was a friend I'd be telling them not to worry but I can't help it.

    Unfortunately this last week I have been bordering on/having mild panic attacks and I'm worrying that they're going to get worse :( My partner is off work and we went away for a few days. I just couldn't enjoy it properly at all. It sounds so stupid but driving past lakes and forests I just felt like I was going to have a panic attack and I don't know why :( Anytime he suggested going for a drive anywere to see the sights I was freaking out that we would have to pass a lake or forest on the way.

    I'm sorry this was such a ramble and probably really hard t follow. I suppose i just wanted to try get it out of my head before I try and sleep,

    You really don't realise how much you take your mental health for granted when everything is going well :(


  • Registered Users Posts: 106 ✭✭Eli Nich


    Yea a very good topic to stay attracted towards it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,801 ✭✭✭Ruudi_Mentari


    Eli Nich wrote: »
    Yea a very good topic to stay attracted towards it.

    Well this is it, the idea of this very thread even just reinforces it and I am not so sure it is seven suitable for this forum, with all its tongue in cheekness and if we do lay something down here we may become stuck in that mindset when it imo should be pushed to being the last thing at the back of our minds as the only true method to deal with it

    And I don't even feel that way, so much anymore just if something pointless flares up here in the house which is all the lesser yet all the more pointless in a more controlled environment it can send me back there temporarily and thus here; eternally.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,135 ✭✭✭starling


    Well this is it, the idea of this very thread even just reinforces it and I am not so sure it is seven suitable for this forum, with all its tongue in cheekness and if we do lay something down here we may become stuck in that mindset when it imo should be pushed to being the last thing at the back of our minds as the only true method to deal with it

    And I don't even feel that way, so much anymore just if something pointless flares up here in the house which is all the lesser yet all the more pointless in a more controlled environment it can send me back there temporarily and thus here; eternally.

    Depression you mean? Pushing it to the back of your mind, or trying to ignore it, is not dealing with it. Very often trying to ignore negative feelings, sadness, anger, fear, etc is what causes depression in the first place, your brain is trying to cope with too much.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,135 ✭✭✭starling


    Reiketsu wrote: »
    I have having a rubbish time lately. I have been suffering from depression on and off for 10 years now. Recently, in May, I fell out with a very good friend of mine. She said I had been talking about her behind her back, which I 100% hadn't been. Due to this we can obviously not all go out together in a group anymore but my friends and my ex friend have had 4 nights out together since stuff happened and I haven't been out once. I haven't been on a night out in almost 3 months and have saw 3 friends for a few hours spread out over that period. When it first happened I said it upset me and I felt left out and like people were taking sides and suggested that in future maybe we should both be asked out and leave it up to ourselves if we wished to go. Felt that was the fairest way. Obviously that didn't happen. I feel so lonely and its gotten to the point that when my daughter stays with her father (single parent here) I sit and cry because I have no company. It sounds so silly but I can't help it. The whole thing is so childish and I thought my friends valued me as much as I do them but clearly not. I also haven't been in a relationship for a few years and everyone around me is settling down. I'm generally okay being single but right now I hate it. Guess I just want company.

    A few weeks after all this happened my stepfather died of cancer. I left my daughter in care of my brother and her grandad on her dads side for a week to go to Scotland and be with my mother as thats where they live and my brother flew over for the funeral. I didn't want her out of school for a week. When I got home I had a letter from a social worker saying I had been reported by my ex and his father for "abandoning" my daughter and going on holidays...along with a whole list of lies, saying I wasn't feeding her, she didn't have clothes etc. Thankfully it all blew over quickly simply because it was lies but it was horrific having a stranger invade my private life and make me question how well Im doing. When I have a bad day its one of the things I wonder, if Im a good mother and to have myself reported really dented my confidence.

    At the moment I find it hard to care about myself at all. I don't care how I look, I have put on weight and hate how I look. I have IBS too and frequent headaches and I am so tired of feeling like complete crap both physically and mentally. I don't feel my doctor even takes me seriously when I do go to see him. I've started feeling anxious again and taking panic attacks and I have insomnia again. I'm just so fed up at the minute. I can't even find pleasure in music - have a couple of gigs in the next few weeks and Im not even excited. However on the plus side I am going back to college in September and I hope that gives me a boost.

    Sorry for the vent, just needed to get stuff off my chest.

    That's horrible Reiketsu, what an awful thing for your ex to do! It doesn't reflect on you as a mother. It's about him being a d1ck. I'm sure the social worker confirmed to you that you are doing a good job? It is horrible to have anyone question that you're a good mum but you did nothing wrong there. You left your daughter in the care of other family members so she wouldn't miss out on school. That's what any responsible parent would do!

    I'm sure that going back to college will help you feel better and there'll be plenty of other people there for you to have a bit of craic with. But in the meantime is it possible for you to ask for another doctor? Your doctor really should be taking you seriously especially with panic attacks. Your symptoms are not made up or imaginary, you have a medical condition and deserve to be treated just like someone with a broken bone or diabetes.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,449 ✭✭✭Call Me Jimmy


    Well this is it, the idea of this very thread even just reinforces it and I am not so sure it is seven suitable for this forum, with all its tongue in cheekness and if we do lay something down here we may become stuck in that mindset when it imo should be pushed to being the last thing at the back of our minds as the only true method to deal with it

    And I don't even feel that way, so much anymore just if something pointless flares up here in the house which is all the lesser yet all the more pointless in a more controlled environment it can send me back there temporarily and thus here; eternally.

    In a way I agree with you somewhat, when we are stronger and able for action it needs to be 'pushed back' a bit. However I found when I'm really bad and have nobody to talk to it has been a good form of expression.

    Also, the community spirit and helpful nature of the thread means it is constructive rather than just being post after post of people writing their own story but not interacting at all.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,563 ✭✭✭dd972


    Thankfully, I've only experienced short term periods of depression in my life and best wishes to the posters on this thread.

    One thing though I'd like to bring up is negative thought cycles, I seem to have an instant recall 'hard drive' in my mind / brain that can delve up any moment going back to early childhood that I've felt embarrassed, humiliated, made to look small, stupid or weak, came off second best, or heard a slight at my expense.

    Yet, any GOOD experience, good times with friends or family, holidays, meals, trips to other countries, good times spent with good people, encountering people who are well intentioned or a good laugh, all seem to go through a F***ING REVOLVING DOOR AS IF THEY'VE NEVER HAPPENED

    I can remember people who've mistreated or done me a bad turn at will

    I forget good people once their out of sight and mind as if they were never born. :mad:

    anybody relate to this phenomenon ?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,135 ✭✭✭starling


    dd972 wrote: »
    Thankfully, I've only experienced short term periods of depression in my life and best wishes to the posters on this thread.

    One thing though I'd like to bring up is negative thought cycles, I seem to have an instant recall 'hard drive' in my mind / brain that can delve up any moment going back to early childhood that I've felt embarrassed, humiliated, made to look small, stupid or weak, came off second best, or heard a slight at my expense.

    Yet, any GOOD experience, good times with friends or family, holidays, meals, trips to other countries, good times spent with good people, encountering people who are well intentioned or a good laugh, all seem to go through a F***ING REVOLVING DOOR AS IF THEY'VE NEVER HAPPENED

    I can remember people who've mistreated or done me a bad turn at will

    I forget good people once their out of sight and mind as if they were never born. :mad:

    anybody relate to this phenomenon ?

    Totally. It is possible to break that cycle though:) CBT helped me with it. You could also try writing a kind of diary but concentrating on the good things. It becomes a book of happy memories you can call on to replace the bad ones. It also helps you to focus more on the good things as they are happening and dwell less on the negative ones.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,958 ✭✭✭delthedriver


    Hi All,

    Earlier in the year a number of OPS mentioned that they would be interested in meeting up informally for coffee and a chat.

    The date is Friday 13th September, in the Bar , Red Cow Hotel @ 8.30pm

    It would be nice to meet as many OPS as possible .

    Best wishes always

    Sincerely,

    Del:)

    Evening All,

    Posted a copy of above notice on the thread , Let us all be anxious and depressed together!

    I understand OPS dip in and out of both threads, so I have copied it over to ensure we don't leave anyone out.

    Regards,

    Del:)


  • Business & Finance Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 32,387 Mod ✭✭✭✭DeVore


    dd972 wrote: »
    Thankfully, I've only experienced short term periods of depression in my life and best wishes to the posters on this thread.

    One thing though I'd like to bring up is negative thought cycles, I seem to have an instant recall 'hard drive' in my mind / brain that can delve up any moment going back to early childhood that I've felt embarrassed, humiliated, made to look small, stupid or weak, came off second best, or heard a slight at my expense.

    Yet, any GOOD experience, good times with friends or family, holidays, meals, trips to other countries, good times spent with good people, encountering people who are well intentioned or a good laugh, all seem to go through a F***ING REVOLVING DOOR AS IF THEY'VE NEVER HAPPENED

    I can remember people who've mistreated or done me a bad turn at will

    I forget good people once their out of sight and mind as if they were never born. :mad:

    anybody relate to this phenomenon ?
    Eh... yeah. I can TOTALLY identify with that hahaha... I do that all the time. Little events from years ago are summoned to crucify me... :/


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,427 ✭✭✭Morag


    That sort of recall is a bastard as all the emotions come flooding back as well.
    I used NLP to try and put in short cut so that if my brain starts that shíte
    I use a phrase to pull myself out of it and try shake it off.

    Meds have well and truely kicked in and are working.
    None of things I was stressing about 5 months ago came to pass.
    I am ready for changes now, want them to happen, am making them happen on my terms.

    Withdrawl how ever is a fck. 3 months of taking the meds aprox the same time and I forgot once
    and with in 10 hours had such a banging headache and was just unable to brain at all.
    I am not looking forward to weaning off these when the time comes.


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    When it comes to meds I've definitely noticed an increased dependence on them since switching to a higher dose. If I go even one or two days without taking them I feel incredibly down and depressed. Which obviously means I can't really do anything other than keep taking them, but it's scary knowing that this is what I have to do just to function. When the time comes to eventually wean off them...that won't be fun.

    Tonight I was supposed to go out for a friend's birthday. It was just going out for dinner and I'd been looking forward to it for a while. But as soon as I woke up today I knew I wouldn't be able to go; the thought of being surrounded by people was too much to bear. I texted my apologies, saying I wasn't feeling well...which I guess is pretty much true, just not in the way most people interpret it. It's much easier to say "Sorry, can't come out tonight, have a headache/stomach pain/sore throat/etc." than "Sorry, can't come out tonight, have depression and anxiety".

    Also I'm trying to lose weight at the moment and had been doing ok up until a few days ago; my brain was telling me that as well as not being around people I also shouldn't be eating tonight. *sigh* The thought of developing an eating disorder, on top of everything else, is really the last thing I need....


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,135 ✭✭✭starling


    When it comes to meds I've definitely noticed an increased dependence on them since switching to a higher dose. If I go even one or two days without taking them I feel incredibly down and depressed. Which obviously means I can't really do anything other than keep taking them, but it's scary knowing that this is what I have to do just to function. When the time comes to eventually wean off them...that won't be fun.

    Tonight I was supposed to go out for a friend's birthday. It was just going out for dinner and I'd been looking forward to it for a while. But as soon as I woke up today I knew I wouldn't be able to go; the thought of being surrounded by people was too much to bear. I texted my apologies, saying I wasn't feeling well...which I guess is pretty much true, just not in the way most people interpret it. It's much easier to say "Sorry, can't come out tonight, have a headache/stomach pain/sore throat/etc." than "Sorry, can't come out tonight, have depression and anxiety".

    Also I'm trying to lose weight at the moment and had been doing ok up until a few days ago; my brain was telling me that as well as not being around people I also shouldn't be eating tonight. *sigh* The thought of developing an eating disorder, on top of everything else, is really the last thing I need....

    I rely on both antidepressants and a couple of fairly heavy pain meds just to be able to stand upright. It's just how it is, no point letting it scare you. Diabetics rely on insulin, we need antidepressants. But it doesn't have to be forever, so don't waste too much thought on it:)

    Withdrawal is a b@stard. I've run out of antidepressants a couple of times due to flare-ups and just plain forgetting to go and get more. The staff at my pharmacy don't even raise an eyebrow anymore if I limp in and sit motionless in the shop, tears streaming down my face.

    But that doesn't mean that weaning yourself off the pills is going to be the same. When you're ready to come off them, doing it gradually under your doctors supervision will be vastly different from stopping cold turkey. Don't let fear of that become another of those worries and doubts that we carry around with us and punish ourselves with unnecessarily:)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,498 ✭✭✭✭Esel


    Said goodbye tonight to a coursemate of mine who's moving back home. It put into perspective how close I am to finishing my Masters and how I'll soon be back at home. I don't realistically have any other option but to move back home, for financial reasons. And I am absolutely dreading it more and more every single day.

    I know I'm being ungrateful, 'cause my parents are so good to me and my Mam is delighted about having me home again but other than my immediate family my homeplace has absolutely NOTHING for me. The thought of being back in a rural isolated environment s already making me feel lonely and hopeless about the future. I'm gonna try applying for jobs in the UK in the hope that I can move back. I'll have to apply for stuff in Ireland too but unless I somehow managed to find something in Dublin I can't ever imagine it making me happy. I'm the type of person who needs a big city environment to flourish; I have no friends from my childhood, very few from my teenage years and not many from my undergrad years. This year was the first year in a long time I put myself out there to make friends, and the thought of not getting to see them regularly is upsetting but what's even worse is the thought of being stuck back in an environment where making friends like that is almost impossible.

    I really can't cope with the thought of a rural or small town environment - it will absolutely crush my spirit. :( But what if I can't escape it when I move back home? It's not like I have a world class CV or the confidence to chase down job opportunities and sail through interviews. No-one wants to employ a depressive anxious wreck. :( I've never been one for planning my life out, I prefer to be a bit spontaneous than rigidly stick to a plan. But not knowing that I'll at least manage to escape what appears to lie immediately ahead of me is absolutely terrifying. What if I don't escape?
    Do you really have no choice but to move home though?

    There are lots of people living happy lives away from home who are on job-seeker's allowance and possibly rent supplement. House-sharing obviously works out to be cheapest accommodation-wise.

    Check all this out thoroughly before you decide!

    Not your ornery onager



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,958 ✭✭✭delthedriver


    A little light reading!

    The following books helped me confirm to myself that I was not the only one suffering from the symptoms which had taken control of my life.

    Given the profile of the authors, it confirmed to me no matter who you are or where you are this illness may impact on anyone.

    Alastair Campbell - All in the mind.

    George Hook - Time added on

    Gareth O'Callaghan - A day called hope.

    I certainly recommend calling into your local library and checking them out.

    Perhaps someone has read them, I would be interested in hearing your thoughts.:)


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,306 ✭✭✭✭Drumpot


    For anybody who would like to see my progression, just look at my posts in this thread (that date back to May 2012 I think!)....

    I am enjoying life (still having ups and downs) like I never thought imaginable. Cognitive behavioural therapy has been just unbelievable in helping me get off heavy medication to being able to enjoy the simple things in life. I can deal with situations that used to drive me mad or send me into a state of panic/fear/anxiety/depression.

    http://www.libertiespress.com/Five_Steps_to_Happiness_Enda_Murphy_p/9781907593864.htm

    This is the book that my therapist has just released and I would recommend that anybody struggling with life, who hasn't been able to find a solution, should consider reading it. The only affiliation I have with the author is that he is my therapist and I am only speaking from my own personal experience with him.

    He has helped me open my eyes to a world I was simply incapable of seeing. He has helped me find a balance to my life I did not think was possible. He has helped me shed my old habits that were preventing me from enjoying life -
    • Constantly putting myself down or expecting the worst of myself
    • constantly expecting/waiting to fail at something/anything
    • constantly expecting the worst in all situations
    • actually being uncomfortable when something positive happens in my life
    • being unable to enjoy the simple things in life
    • having unrealistic expectations of life - "how come everybody else can get through life so happy and I cant" - its not that simple
    Among other things, now I have ups and downs instead of just downs and even worse downs. Now I am getting my business together and am confident and excited about the prospect of giving it a real go (instead of lamenting the fact that I will prob fail because I cant get my head together!).

    I cant speak for anybody else, but CBT has been little short of life changing and it doesn't involve spending hundreds of thousands on medication. I have chosen to do individual therapy (on top of the group therapy I got free through aware), but its the best money I have ever spent.

    I have some friends and family approach me now asking me what my "secret" is because they see the change in me (that I still don't fully see myself - but apparently that's normal). I discussed this with Enda (my therapist) and he confirmed that its simply down to the fact that I want it so bad, I am getting faster results. I don't make any excuses to prevent me from progressing.

    I don't have much money at all (I used t o use the excuse with my doctor that I couldn't afford therapy!), but prioritise my therapy above everything (except feeding my children of course). I accepted from the start that my life was unmanageable and that I was unable to find peace on my own so I put my faith in professional people. they were able to see the flaws in me that I was unable to see. I perceived life a certain way and grew up thinking if I couldn't comprehend or make sense something, then it wasn't worth exploring. I also had the view that if I didn't agree with something (particularly constructive criticism on me) I wasn't going to engage with this potential solution.

    In the end, trusting in others to see the things in me that I couldn't has helped liberate me from the shackles of my own head. I take the stance that if I get well, other areas of my life will improve and thus far its been beyond my wildest dreams. I read many peoples posts here and I can relate to where the people are at (I was once there) and feel sorry that they haven't been able to get the awakening that has happened in my life. If you are like me and you really want peace of mind and/or happiness in your life and you are prepared to do anything to get it, then I am living proof that its possible.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,958 ✭✭✭delthedriver


    Hi,

    Having a bad day today.

    Only got out of bed at 3pm. Whopper of headache, tight band around my head.

    Feeling exhausted , very tired and extremely irritable.My eyes feel heavy and are twitching . My body is aching all over and limbs trembling

    The thundery rain has finally stopped, the skies are turning blue and the Westerly wind has come up.

    Even though I should go for my daily walk, I simply don't have the energy nor enthusiasm to do so.

    A couple of phone calls and a task to attend to on my laptop were more than enough to make me consider returning to bed again.

    I know it will pass , tomorrow is another day.

    Hope you are all doing well today

    Best Regards

    Del


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 636 ✭✭✭roseybear


    When it comes to meds I've definitely noticed an increased dependence on them since switching to a higher dose. If I go even one or two days without taking them I feel incredibly down and depressed. Which obviously means I can't really do anything other than keep taking them, but it's scary knowing that this is what I have to do just to function. When the time comes to eventually wean off them...that won't be fun.

    Tonight I was supposed to go out for a friend's birthday. It was just going out for dinner and I'd been looking forward to it for a while. But as soon as I woke up today I knew I wouldn't be able to go; the thought of being surrounded by people was too much to bear. I texted my apologies, saying I wasn't feeling well...which I guess is pretty much true, just not in the way most people interpret it. It's much easier to say "Sorry, can't come out tonight, have a headache/stomach pain/sore throat/etc." than "Sorry, can't come out tonight, have depression and anxiety".

    Also I'm trying to lose weight at the moment and had been doing ok up until a few days ago; my brain was telling me that as well as not being around people I also shouldn't be eating tonight. *sigh* The thought of developing an eating disorder, on top of everything else, is really the last thing I need....


    Be very careful about the losing weight. When i was depressed (but unaware of it ) i convinced myself that I needed to get bck in shape as a way of coping. This took a hold and i ended up borderline, if not anorexic and even more angry and depressed because I was hungry! Very dodgy area...

    also dnt worry bout coming off the meds, I was the same, the dose went up and up but was necessary. After 8mnths on the higher dose I came off them completely in 2 weeks, couple of wobbly days during those weeks but all turned out grand, off them since june. Was absolutely petrified coming off them, was so scared that I would immediately transform bck to the depressed and angry mess I was but didnt happen! U will learn to cope and deal with situations while u are taking them. This will b like ur practice run and the meds r ur safety net. When uv had some practice dealing with things u will b btr prepared for when u come off them :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,449 ✭✭✭Call Me Jimmy


    Ye know yerself del, take the day. I took 5 (not recommended) a couple of weeks ago in bed and had some very productive times after that. It's not the end of the world to spend a day in a bed. Remember not to pressure yourself to feel good, if you can try and center yourself, let light come into your eyes whatever way it wants to without judgement.

    I experience the band around the head a lot of the time (even today) but it usually a sign I have let my thoughts take over to the point I don't even realise I'm thinking them or... I'm not drinking enough water.

    Do not press down on yourself!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,958 ✭✭✭delthedriver


    Ye know yerself del, take the day. I took 5 (not recommended) a couple of weeks ago in bed and had some very productive times after that. It's not the end of the world to spend a day in a bed. Remember not to pressure yourself to feel good, if you can try and center yourself, let light come into your eyes whatever way it wants to without judgement.

    I experience the band around the head a lot of the time (even today) but it usually a sign I have let my thoughts take over to the point I don't even realise I'm thinking them or... I'm not drinking enough water.

    Do not press down on yourself!

    Thanks Jimmy,

    I went back to be for a couple more hours. Then I got up and had some food with lots of water to rehydrate.

    A shave and shower together with a change of cloths helped me feel a little better.

    Back to bed now feeling relaxed but tired:)


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    roseybear wrote: »
    Be very careful about the losing weight. When i was depressed (but unaware of it ) i convinced myself that I needed to get bck in shape as a way of coping. This took a hold and i ended up borderline, if not anorexic and even more angry and depressed because I was hungry! Very dodgy area...

    also dnt worry bout coming off the meds, I was the same, the dose went up and up but was necessary. After 8mnths on the higher dose I came off them completely in 2 weeks, couple of wobbly days during those weeks but all turned out grand, off them since june. Was absolutely petrified coming off them, was so scared that I would immediately transform bck to the depressed and angry mess I was but didnt happen! U will learn to cope and deal with situations while u are taking them. This will b like ur practice run and the meds r ur safety net. When uv had some practice dealing with things u will b btr prepared for when u come off them :)

    Sorry to hear about your struggles with anorexia. :( I've struggled with my diet before but I don't think it's ever been so bad that I could call it binge-eating or anything. I can imagine it's a really slippery slope though.

    On the subject of meds I think I've been about 4 days without now 'cause I ran out and was every day since I've been either too nervous, too exhausted or too apathetic to go outside and get them. Day and night have reversed for me again, all the chemists are closed by the time I wake up. It's been going on way too long now though so have to make sure I stay awake at least 'til 9 am now so I can finally get them in the morning.
    Esel wrote:
    Do you really have no choice but to move home though?

    There are lots of people living happy lives away from home who are on job-seeker's allowance and possibly rent supplement. House-sharing obviously works out to be cheapest accommodation-wise.

    Check all this out thoroughly before you decide!

    Had a little something like a panic attack tonight; I somehow spent an insane amount of money recently. I hadn't even realised how much I was spending, and most of it is really innocuous stuff like groceries! Stuff like this reminds me why, like I mentioned earlier, going back home soon is the only real option for me. My parents only take a small amount of money for living expenses, bills etc., they refuse anything higher I offer them. For financial purposes it makes so much more sense than attempting to survive off social welfare and rent supplements somewhere else; I guess it's preferable to be depressed due to boredom than be depressed due to debt. Until I get a little better/little bit less worse, I'm not really trusting myself to make any wise decisions when it comes to money.

    On the bright side I do have some what of a plan for the future; there's a scheme I'm planning to apply for next month which may let me go back to the UK. Problem is, it's really competitive and I've yet to figure out a plan B for the very likely scenario that this plan doesn't work out....


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,958 ✭✭✭delthedriver


    Hi All,

    Hope everyone is enjoying the fine Bank Holiday Weekend:)

    Del


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,135 ✭✭✭starling


    Hope you're feeling better Del, I see you had a bad day there.
    I've been having a bad couple of days too, or I should say, my ma's been having a bad couple of days and taking it out on me:(
    She seems to have gotten over it for now though. :)
    And after saving for 6 months I just figured out that I'm halfway to a new iPod touch, which I desperately need cause I have no computer \o/


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,958 ✭✭✭delthedriver


    starling wrote: »
    Hope you're feeling better Del, I see you had a bad day there.
    I've been having a bad couple of days too, or I should say, my ma's been having a bad couple of days and taking it out on me:(
    She seems to have gotten over it for now though. :)
    And after saving for 6 months I just figured out that I'm halfway to a new iPod touch, which I desperately need cause I have no computer \o/

    Thank you Starling,
    Yes I am feeling a bit better. It is wonderful to know I have friends like you who care and understand.
    We all get frustrated when we are feeling down, as a result the person closest to us normally gets the raw deal.
    Well done on your savings plan , it will be all the sweeter when you achieve your target:).
    Best wishes
    Del


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,135 ✭✭✭starling


    Sorry to hear about your struggles with anorexia. :( I've struggled with my diet before but I don't think it's ever been so bad that I could call it binge-eating or anything. I can imagine it's a really slippery slope though.

    My mood has a huge effect on my appetite and eating habits. Try not to worry (I know, easier said than done) it doesn't automatically mean you're destined to end up in eating disorder territory, I think it's just that when you're anxious it's harder to eat, when you're down you tend to crave sugar or carbs or comfort foods, those kinds of things.

    It's good to pay attention to your diet and weight as part of general health and also body image, because when we're depressed we look for any excuse to beat ourselves up, and "I'm out of shape" or "I'm physically unattractive" is a big one. But try not to be putting a load of pressure on yourself about it. You're already dealing with so much. Don't pile more pressure on yourself as a way of punishing yourself. You don't have to be a certain weight.
    On the subject of meds I think I've been about 4 days without now 'cause I ran out and was every day since I've been either too nervous, too exhausted or too apathetic to go outside and get them. Day and night have reversed for me again, all the chemists are closed by the time I wake up. It's been going on way too long now though so have to make sure I stay awake at least 'til 9 am now so I can finally get them in the morning.

    Oh man, I can totally relate to all of this. Withdrawal is not fun at all. The people in my chemist are used to me so they don't bat an eye when I go in with tears streaming down my face because I'm in withdrawal and someone looked at me funny:(


    Had a little something like a panic attack tonight; I somehow spent an insane amount of money recently. I hadn't even realised how much I was spending, and most of it is really innocuous stuff like groceries! Stuff like this reminds me why, like I mentioned earlier, going back home soon is the only real option for me. My parents only take a small amount of money for living expenses, bills etc., they refuse anything higher I offer them. For financial purposes it makes so much more sense than attempting to survive off social welfare and rent supplements somewhere else; I guess it's preferable to be depressed due to boredom than be depressed due to debt. Until I get a little better/little bit less worse, I'm not really trusting myself to make any wise decisions when it comes to money.

    It's a symptom of depression that not many people know about, irrational or unwise spending. I think it's related to disorganisation and a lack of willpower, or at least in my case it is. I've done it a couple of times and unfortunately on my current budget, the supermarket is actually a dangerous place. I went over budget last week because I bought a bag of decent coffee and some fresh fruit and veg! So you're right, staying with you parents could be a good thing in the financial sense.
    And I'm fairly confident that someone as smart as you can find ways to beat boredom:)
    On the bright side I do have some what of a plan for the future; there's a scheme I'm planning to apply for next month which may let me go back to the UK. Problem is, it's really competitive and I've yet to figure out a plan B for the very likely scenario that this plan doesn't work out....

    That sounds great, best of luck with it!:D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 102 ✭✭Huayra


    Been a while since I've been here. Mainly cause I was fed up and needed a break. Am normally on the athletics forums all the time, and is depressing seeing how good people are running when I'm a failure.
    This morning I got up and decided not to do a 10k race that I had signed up for. It was such a hard thing to do, but I knew that it would have just crippled me and made me wish I never existed. I have already had the experience of dropping out of a race half way and being in sickening agony for a week. I guess its a comfort knowing that today would have been alot worse if I attempted the race.
    I would love to find some sort of skill or hobby that I am good at but its such a challenge. Nothing really else to say, just that I feel like I'm talentless the whole time


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,958 ✭✭✭delthedriver


    Huayra wrote: »
    Been a while since I've been here. Mainly cause I was fed up and needed a break. Am normally on the athletics forums all the time, and is depressing seeing how good people are running when I'm a failure.
    This morning I got up and decided not to do a 10k race that I had signed up for. It was such a hard thing to do, but I knew that it would have just crippled me and made me wish I never existed. I have already had the experience of dropping out of a race half way and being in sickening agony for a week. I guess its a comfort knowing that today would have been alot worse if I attempted the race.
    I would love to find some sort of skill or hobby that I am good at but its such a challenge. Nothing really else to say, just that I feel like I'm talentless the whole time

    Swimming, Cycling??? Great way to keep fit and much less damaging on the knees and ankles. I started running again after a few years break, had to give it up, found the strain on the ankle and knee joints was horrendous, which did not help my mood.
    Walking, less harsh on the knees, but good for fitness, listen to your ipod while walking, very relaxing, alternatively borrow a friend's dog, great company. You will walk for miles. My problem is I have to walk the dog at off peak hours, meet so many people stop and chat.
    Last week I left house with dog for a 30 min walk,, two hours later I met my wife who, very concerned, came out looking for her precious dog.
    She was not concerned about me! Of course I met about 10 individuals who stopped for a chat.
    It can have a twofold effect, if you are feeling lonely , you can have a brief chat with one or two people, or 10, which helps lift mood. Alternatively by walking off peak you can enjoy your own company with responsibility for the dog


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 102 ✭✭Huayra


    Hi, walking a dog would be great. I love large bread dogs, and would be a dream to have a malamute and ridgeback. They need tonnes of exercise anyway. I can see the benefit it would have in helping you meet people. I am really shy and get nervous meeting people, but I think having a dog someday would be great. I will never have kids as my social anxiety may make having a family impossible, so I plan to have dogs instead anyway. Its a really good idea there. I think it valuable to be responsible for something else


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 636 ✭✭✭roseybear


    Huayra wrote: »
    Been a while since I've been here. Mainly cause I was fed up and needed a break. Am normally on the athletics forums all the time, and is depressing seeing how good people are running when I'm a failure.
    This morning I got up and decided not to do a 10k race that I had signed up for. It was such a hard thing to do, but I knew that it would have just crippled me and made me wish I never existed. I have already had the experience of dropping out of a race half way and being in sickening agony for a week. I guess its a comfort knowing that today would have been alot worse if I attempted the race.
    I would love to find some sort of skill or hobby that I am good at but its such a challenge. Nothing really else to say, just that I feel like I'm talentless the whole time

    I really feel that what ur going through is me 2 yrs ago. What made it worse (not sure if u have this 2 r nt) is that both my parents and my sister r heavily involved still so every converstaion in my house is athletics based and my mum who used to coach me would ask"have u gne for a run today/r u running today" r would have her giving me updates like "oh such and such ran this today isn she great gtting out and doing it" im just like LEAVE ME ALONE just let me enjoy it, dnt put pressure on me to do it. I would love love love to gt bck into it, I really really would but I just dnt think its good for me. And with the hrs I work (im a nurse) it wouldn b possible to b competitive. I dnt necessarily mean winning things, bt being up there and gttin pbs. If I didn c improvement I would just feel worse. The triathlons I like (have a look at my log in the athletics/tri forum) as u r battling with urself more than anyone else. No one really gives a **** hw u do, it seems t b more about the taking part which is totally new to me.

    Its just gna take time to gt used to the idea that u arent the best out there r learn to just hear hw ppl did but nt hold on to the thoughts like I was ahead of them r I was running this time.. sometimes it just doesn't come together. It sucks and its crappy when ur hearing hw other ppl r doing and u love the sport but sometimes its just nt good for u


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,135 ✭✭✭starling


    Mikemac that's awful, your symptoms are very severe. Please, please see a doctor. You don't have to deal with this all by yourself. You're not a failure, you have an illness. That's all.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,135 ✭✭✭starling


    Roseybear is right Huayra, let go of the competitive stuff, you can enjoy sport or physical activity without having to be good at it!
    I have a cousin who runs races and is very fast, and sometimes we would go running together. We'd go to the park and warm up and stretch together. Then she would run a full lap of the park and I'd run around the little field! I never thought "You need to be faster" I had never been athletic before and I found myself amazed at how much I enjoyed just doing it for its own sake. Plus the endorphin rush was incredible!

    If I had looked at it in a competitive light I think that would have ruined it for me. People think that races etc are the natural way to go if you run, but there's no rule to say you can't just enjoy it. Even competing against yourself can add an element of pressure that takes away from the sheer enjoyment of physical activity.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,958 ✭✭✭delthedriver


    Huayra wrote: »
    Hi, walking a dog would be great. I love large bread dogs, and would be a dream to have a malamute and ridgeback. They need tonnes of exercise anyway. I can see the benefit it would have in helping you meet people. I am really shy and get nervous meeting people, but I think having a dog someday would be great. I will never have kids as my social anxiety may make having a family impossible, so I plan to have dogs instead anyway. Its a really good idea there. I think it valuable to be responsible for something else

    Thrilling news. You sound like a very caring, sincere person
    Go for it! Perhaps a rescue dog initially.? You would certainly be giving some poor dog a chance. They are also very affectionate and return your kindness over and over.
    Your self confidence will improve dramatically, you will be surprised how many people who will stop for a chat about the dog,always a great icebreaker. I believe your social anxiety in time will be controlled so who knows what the future holds.
    Since walking our dog I have met lots of people from various parts of the country and the world. People I previously new simply as a nodding acquaintance, we are now on first name terms and I have even had coffee with them.
    I honestly believe you are on the verge of a major breakthrough in your life, be kind to yourself and spoil a dog:)
    Your fitness level will improve too!:)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 374 ✭✭Cliona99


    I read something today that helped me feel a bit less nervous about meeting up next month. Just in case anyone else is nervous too, http://chrisguillebeau.com/3x5/writing-and-speaking-for-introverts/


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,958 ✭✭✭delthedriver


    Cliona99 wrote: »
    I read something today that helped me feel a bit less nervous about meeting up next month. Just in case anyone else is nervous too, http://chrisguillebeau.com/3x5/writing-and-speaking-for-introverts/

    Thanks Cliona,

    Very interesting article, certainly thought provoking.:)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 102 ✭✭Huayra


    Thanks. You are all really nice. I notice you putting so much effort into replying to peoples dilemmas on the forum. Its good to give something back, and helping others helps you with your own depression.
    Del,rosie,starling, I remember your stories from last time you replied to me aswell. You really bring this forum to life. Difference with my family though is that my mother doesn't know anything/no interest in athletics, but it alot of pressure to do really well academically.
    I don't bother with athletics forums here. It isn't going to make any difference to anyone else there anyway. Am talking about this subject too much all the time, I will focus on other things from now on. Getting a dog will be a big milestone and turning point i agree, but will need my own place and a good income first. Getting away from home will be so nice. Just my parents left living in the house and I feel like they almost hate eachother.
    As early as possible next year is my aim to get out of there :)


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 396 ✭✭murria


    Huayra, something that might be of interest to you is volunteering at theDSPCA or local equivalent. I did it for a year in dog rehoming, its all about walking and caring for the animals (OK there is a bit of cleaning up poo too). You only commit to the hours you can afford on a monthly basis. Great way to get your doggy fix until you can have your own. You can also interect as much or as little as you like with the humans.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,958 ✭✭✭delthedriver


    murria wrote: »
    Huayra, something that might be of interest to you is volunteering at theDSPCA or local equivalent. I did it for a year in dog rehoming, its all about walking and caring for the animals (OK there is a bit of cleaning up poo too). You only commit to the hours you can afford on a monthly basis. Great way to get your doggy fix until you can have your own. You can also interect as much or as little as you like with the humans.

    Murria, Excellent idea.

    Huayra,Not only will you get your doggy fix, but it will also give you the opportunity to see which breed realistically meets your lifestyle.

    Regarding your current lifestyle, I fear it is undermining your confidence and self esteem. Having your own space next year will help enormously in your life.

    Meanwhile, live in The Now, and make the very best of each day. Life is for living.

    Be kind to yourself.

    Best wishes,

    Del


  • Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 19,241 Mod ✭✭✭✭L.Jenkins


    Had a complete meltdown on Saturday night. I had been living with my parents and my fiancée for the last couple of months after losing my job in Dublin. My situation improved with a new job in Longford and we've recently moved out into our own apartment. I must say, I've forgot what freedom feels like.

    My parents both in their 60s have an extreme tendency to worry and transfer a lot of that onto my fiancée and I. With my brother living in the US and going through a rough time of it, my parents seem to be worrying a lot more and causing serious arguments over nothing. Instead of having a civil conversation, it's come to the point where my fiancée and I can't stand to be in their presence for too long.

    What I didn't realise until Saturday, is that I closed down and began dealing with my parents in my own, completely shutting my fiancée in the process. I became numb to the situation and just completely blanked and lost interest in everything. My fiancée after reaching breaking point with my parents over a type puncture, get really upset in our new apartment, letting me know how I haven't made physical contact with her in some time and thought I was cheating.

    That's when I broke down and realised what had happened over the last couple of weeks. My medication helped my moods, but did nothing to help how I dealt with my family. My fiancée and I are fine now, but we're considering couples counselling, as she also has Bipolar Disorder and Photo Sensitive Epilepsy.

    That's been my week so far and I seem to be on a high at the moment.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,135 ✭✭✭starling


    Itzy, Huayra, I completely understand what you're going through. I am stuck living with my mother after my disability resulted in losing my job and therefore my flat (didn't qualify for rent allowance).
    My mother has emotional problems and is a very angry, emotionally abusive person.She's been like that all my life, but now that my dad is gone there's no-one to step in and keep the peace when things get really bad.
    In fact Huayra while I was Reading your post she was screaming at me. And like you Itzy I tend to shut down because anything else makes her even angrier. I grew up with this stuff and spent so long clenching my jaw in a subconscious effort to keep quiet that it became automatic; the first time I moved out I suddenly noticed I was getting far fewer headaches and it took me ages to figure out why. I literally had no idea I was constantly clenching my jaw and even now I catch myself doing it and have to make a conscious effort to relax.
    At times lately things have been so bad I've noticed my hands shaking, which is a new one for me.
    Getting your own place is like leaving a stuffy room and taking a deep breath of fresh air. In the meantime Huayra I know how severely an unhappy environment can affect your mental health, but just try to remember that other people's anger is their own issue, no matter whether they're a stranger on the street or your parents, just keep telling yourself "This is not about me, it's about them."
    Itzy I think going for couples counselling will be great for you & your fiancée. It's not the sign of a doomed relationship. It's the sign of two people committed to making and keeping their relationship strong and happy, and I think that you will both learn a lot about relating to each other healthily and honestly. I think a lot of people would have much happier relationships if they did a bit of counselling. :)


  • Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 19,241 Mod ✭✭✭✭L.Jenkins


    You're description of your own Mother Starling, reminds me of my own in a way. Has a tendency to be emotionally abusive and uses guilt to get her own way. Other times she can be bearable. We're thinking she may suffer from type 1 Bipolar Disorder. My Dad doesn't say anything as he has learned to keep quite to, to save the hassle of my Mother having a strop.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,135 ✭✭✭starling


    Yeah, there are thousands of people living with undiagnosed/untreated mental illness in this country, and often it's only their closest relatives who see the signs or bear the brunt of it. My mother had a terrible childhood, she grew up in tenement in Glasgow, and besides the material poverty her own mother was a monster. So in her own way she has done her best to be better than that but she wouldn't dream of going to a doctor and talking about her feelings, in fact she doesn't talk about feelings with anyone, full stop. I'm fairly certain she's got her own depression but she doesn't believe in depression so obviously she isn't getting treated. (Other things she doesn't believe are real: jetlag, fibromyalgia, ME and chronic pain disorder).
    It's entirely possible that your mum has her own mental health issues but unfortunately it's very difficult for some people to really look at these things, to challenge their own prejudices about mental illness, sometimes they're so scared they will be seen as "mad" that they are literally unable to even consider whether they might have issues. I'm pretty sure that my mother doesn't realise half the things she does. I know she doesn't do it on purpose.
    I don't know what there is to be done about it. You can't force someone to get help, unless they're a serious danger to others or themselves; yet at the same time, you've got to have your own boundaries, you've got to be able to refuse to take abuse or endanger your own mental health.
    Unfortunately sometimes the ony thing you can do is get away from the person. It's very hard to do that when it's your parent or family member because of course you feel guilty. We just all need to decide for ourselves where the line is and how much we're willing to take.
    And if you've grown up with that person it's even harder to know where that boundary should be, because you think certain things are normal. Over time you begin to learn "this or that is not normal" but often the emotional programming that happens in childhood doesn't really surface until you're in a serious relationship and you find yourself unconsciously playing out those same patterns.
    Like, once when I was a kid I went to stay overnight at a schoolfriends house and when I went to the kitchen in the morning, the whole family said "Good morning!" to each other and to me, and I was literally speechless. I thought "Good morning" was something strangers said to each other to be polite (I thought it was normal for people to be all nice and polite to each other in public and then vicious behind closed doors). In my house nobody said good morning, you either got stony silence or you got roared at over your breakfast.

    But I learned about that because it was such a visible thing. It was only years later when I was in a job and a relationship that I started unconsciously acting in ways that were the results of the emotional lessons I learned as a kid.

    Like for example if a stranger in a pub says something nasty to me I have no problem whatsoever just telling them to go fûck themselves. But when a manager or someone in a position of authority shouted at me or tried to bully me, my throat would automatically close up until I was literally physically unable to speak. It was only when a counsellor explained it to me that I learned this was an unconscious response to what I learned as soon as I could speak: talking back is not allowed and will get you severely punished.

    It's not that I think we should all point finger at our parents. We're grownups now and we're responsible for our own mental health. But looking at the ways in which our upbringing has affected us emotionally can help us to understand ourselves and why we feel certain things or deal with situations in a certain way; sometimes we really need to identify and try to counteract the messages we got in childhood.

    It's possible that if enough people - family members, mainly - got together and had a kind of intervention to tell someone how their behaviour affects them, they might have a look at how they're acting and maybe think about seeing someone. But I have to say that I think depending on the person themselves the chances of it working might be pretty slim. It wouldn't matter how many people told my mother that her interactions are not healthy, she wouldn't take any notice. My dad stepped in a few times and told her that she was always aggressive any time she spoke to me, as opposed to how she spoke to my brother. The only result was that she saved up her anger for times when he was at work or out of the house.

    Sometimes we just have to accept that a person isn't going to change, and find our own way of dealing. I hide in the attic a lot (that's where I sleep). Avoidance. My dad did it a lot too.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,958 ✭✭✭delthedriver


    Starling,

    Well done!

    Your post is heartfelt.

    Sincerely, I hope your living arrangements improve. That is quite a cross to bear.

    Surely, there must be an alternative accommodation available?

    It is not right that you don't qualify for, RA!

    Warmest wishes,

    Del


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,135 ✭✭✭starling


    Starling,

    Well done!

    Your post is heartfelt.

    Sincerely, I hope your living arrangements improve. That is quite a cross to bear.

    Surely, there must be an alternative accommodation available?

    It is not right that you don't qualify for, RA!

    Warmest wishes,

    Del

    Thanks Del, sometimes just letting it out really helps me. I'm looking into getting some class of social housing but of course there are tons of people who arguably need it more, and there are limited resources available.

    Rent allowance is a bit unrealistic here, the limit for a single person is 520 a month, you won't get a parking space for that money! People have this vague notion that "rents are coming down" but they don't realise how much rents increased during the good times.

    In 2004 I went flat hunting and I'd budgeted for about €400 a month. After seeing a few places in that price range - places you'd be prosecuted for keeping a dog in - I figured I'd better juggle my budget a bit and managed to afford a flat at €560.

    After three and a bit years (part IV tenancy) my landlady pulled the old "I need this flat for a family member" trick so she could give me notice. She later rented my flat to someone else for €700 a month.

    I went back to flat hunting and this time, because rents had increased so much I budgeted €800 a month. And I found myself viewing the exact same cr@pholes that had been €400 a month the first time around. Not similar flats, literally the exact same ones with no improvements or refurbishment. One of them had a shower stall made out of bar trays, I'm not kidding.

    Anyway I've been keeping a diary and plan to use extracts from it as evidence that despite living in the family home, my living situation is unacceptable. I can only hope the housing officer agrees!

    Cheers:)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,958 ✭✭✭delthedriver


    starling wrote: »
    Thanks Del, sometimes just letting it out really helps me. I'm looking into getting some class of social housing but of course there are tons of people who arguably need it more, and there are limited resources available.

    Rent allowance is a bit unrealistic here, the limit for a single person is 520 a month, you won't get a parking space for that money! People have this vague notion that "rents are coming down" but they don't realise how much rents increased during the good times.

    In 2004 I went flat hunting and I'd budgeted for about €400 a month. After seeing a few places in that price range - places you'd be prosecuted for keeping a dog in - I figured I'd better juggle my budget a bit and managed to afford a flat at €560.


    After three and a bit years (part IV tenancy) my landlady pulled the old "I need this flat for a family member" trick so she could give me notice. She later rented my flat to someone else for €700 a month.

    I went back to flat hunting and this time, because rents had increased so much I budgeted €800 a month. And I found myself viewing the exact same cr@pholes that had been €400 a month the first time around. Not similar flats, literally the exact same ones with no improvements or refurbishment. One of them had a shower stall made out of bar trays, I'm not kidding.

    Anyway I've been keeping a diary and plan to use extracts from it as evidence that despite living in the family home, my living situation is unacceptable. I can only hope the housing officer agrees!

    Cheers:)

    Rents are actually increasing in the Greater Dublin Area.

    That is shocking accommodation being offered by landlords, or perhaps as a landlord I am too soft. Seriously I would not expect a tenant to live in conditions I would not live in myself.

    In your case living in the attic of your family home must surely qualify you as needing urgent assistance.

    I don't know your circumstances , but would relocating to another county improve your lot? It may be a clean break for you and an opportunity to start a better life for yourself:)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,135 ✭✭✭starling


    Rents are actually increasing in the Greater Dublin Area.

    That is shocking accommodation being offered by landlords, or perhaps as a landlord I am too soft. Seriously I would not expect a tenant to live in conditions I would not live in myself.

    In your case living in the attic of your family home must surely qualify you as needing urgent assistance.

    I don't know your circumstances , but would relocating to another county improve your lot? It may be a clean break for you and an opportunity to start a better life for yourself:)

    Well if you could show that you were living in the attic because the rest of the house was full maybe it would help your case, but since this is a 3 bed semi and therefore there are currently two empty bedrooms, I doubt it would be much help to me. Try explaining to the housing folks that my mother needs those rooms so she can take in foreign students? No chance, especially when she'll deny it to her last breath.
    I'm up against the stereotype of the Irish Mammy who will let her adult children live with her rent free and feed them and do all their laundry etc. Hard to explain that my mum's basically the diametric opposite.

    I'm not sure how emigrating would help in my situation. I'd have to leave the hse system and start again in a new system, which would probably involve going back onto a waiting list and being untreated in the meantime. Since I literally cannot function without the prescription drugs I'm on atm, that's not an option. I waited three years just to get in to the pain clinic here, and I can't do that again.

    Moving to a foreign country would require expenses I couldn't cover, and would leave me alone in a strange place where I knew nobody and had nowhere to go for support or help. I think it would probably make things ten times worse:(


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