The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Bog wrote: »

So, there’s a man crawling through the desert........

.

Sweet baby jesus

Knock knock.

Who's there?

The Police, it's your husband, i'm afraid he's been in a terrible crash.

Nuigforce wrote: »

Either you are a massive liar or a ridiculously handsome young man

Im neither


But ive a huge penis.

"It is necessary for our country and our people,The agreed programme represents the best available deal for Ireland.It allows us to move forward with secure funding for our essential public services,for our welfare state,for the most vunerable members of our society that depend on them" - Brian Cowen 28.11.10

Comedy Genius!!

Q: What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

A:

How did the baker get an electric shock?

He stood on a bun and a currant ran up his leg!

One cold and dark snowy night, not unlike tonight, a man was walking home alone, down a dark, deserted street that ran right by the local cemetary.

As he passed the gates, he heard a bump in the darkness behind him. Not daring to look back, he quickened his pace. But, the bumping noise continued behind him.

He stopped and turned to see what it was. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin, standing on end, bumping from side to side - BUMP, BUMP, BUMP.

The man, terrified for his life, turned and ran into the driving rain. Behind him, the coffin came faster - BUMP, BUMP, BUMP!

Ahead of him, there was a branch that had fallen from a tree. He reached down and grabbed it as he ran by. Still running, he turned and threw it over his shoulder at the coffin - but it just splintered when it hit the coffin and the coffin continued coming faster - BUMPITY, BUMPITY, BUMPITY!

The man turned the corner onto his street and ran through his front gate, the coffin right behind him. His splitting axe was resting against his woodpile so he snagged it, turned, and gave a mighty two-handed throw sending it end over end right at the coffin. SMASH! - the axe shattered on the unnaturally strong wood of the coffin and it continued after him.

The man dashed in his house, but the coffin crashed through the front door. The man ran upstairs and grabbed his shotgun off the wall display. He blasted the coffin with both barrels, but the shot bounced harmlessly off the coffin as it continued up the stairs - BUMP, CLOMP, BUMP, CLOMP!

The man, desperate and scared to death, jumped into the bathroom and locked the door - knowing it would do no good. The coffin Banged against the door, once ..., twice ..., and on the third time, the door exploded and the coffin came forward.

In desperation the man reached out his hand and grabbed whatever he could. All that was there was a bottle of cough syrup so he threw it at the coffin.

The bottle shattered, the cough syrup poured on the coffin, and the coffin stopped.

How do prostitutes make more money then drug dealers?

Why was the washing machine laughing?

An old womwn walks into a sex shop and asks ddoo yyouss ssell ddildoos?

The shop assistant says "Yes, we have a large selection of them just over their"

The old women says ddoo yyous ssell pinkk oness 8 inchess llong and 2 inches tthick?

The shop assistant says "Yes we do"

The old woman says

Whats dangerous and lives in a tree?

Two cows in a field.
One turns to the other and says 'so, are ya worried about this mad cow disease?'
The other replies "Worried? Not at all, shur I'm a horse!"

So a nun is standing naked in her house in the countryside. she is ironing her clothes when suddenly she hears a knock at the door. Feeling uncomfortable due to her lack of clothes she hesitantly asks:
"Eh, who is it?"
a man responds " It's the Blind Man from the village".
The nun thinks to herself, sure he's blind he'll never notice I'm naked?? She opens the door and the man says:

Funkfield wrote: »

A young man is given a yellow brick by his dying grandfather. The grandfather tells him it's a special brick and not to ever sell it or give it away or to ever bounce it from a high building, it's a bouncing brick. The man didn't believe him but sure enough the brick bounced and was wonderful. He loved his yellow brick and carried it everywhere. One day a billionaire came to him and said that he wanted the yellow brick and the man wouldn't sell it. Eventually the billionaire offered an amount of money the man couldn't refuse. He passed on the same warning of not bouncing the brick from a height. The bricks new owner was delighted and the first thing he did with his new brick was to go to the top of the tallest building and threw it at the ground as hard as he could and the brick whizzed up into the air, never to be seen again.

Wtf?

A man is going to get on a plane with his very special budgie. The budgie can talk, sing and juggle at the same time. The only thing is the budgie needs special attention all the time or he'll stop performing forever. So when the owner tries to board the plane with the budgie the crew stop him and tell him the budgie can't be on the plane. He's very distressed at this news and continues to argue. He eventually convinces the crew to bolt the cage to the wing and for him to have a window seat, it costs him a lot of money to arrange this. He sits at the window playing with the budgie, rubbing the window, blowing kisses and the budgie loves it. Half way through the flight he needs to go to the toilet. There's a nun sitting beside him and he asks her to play with the budgie while he does his business. When the man comes back from the toilet the nun is shaking and apologizing. The man is saying "what happened?" and the nun says "i was sitting here playing with the budgie having a great time and next of all BAM! a yellow brick knocked the whole cage right off the wing"

:cool:
FTW