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The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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    #7382
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    eisenberg1 wrote: »
    No, the cheese was in the middle.........either way, I have no clue what the original joke was about.


    Cheeses Christ, " Blessed Are The Cheese Makers"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #7383
    SoFluffy
    Registered Users Posts: 7 ✭SoFluffy


    Whats the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?
    Santa only has 3 ho's!!!!
    😝


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    #7384
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    SoFluffy wrote: »
    Whats the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?
    Santa only has 3 ho's!!!!
    😝


    Now we know why his Sack is so big

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #7385
    chughes
    Registered Users Posts: 1,740 ✭✭✭chughes


    SoFluffy wrote: »
    Whats the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?
    Santa only has 3 ho's!!!!
    😝
    Yes, but he only got his hole in one.....


  • Options
    #7386
    fleet_admiral
    Registered Users Posts: 3,747 ✭✭✭fleet_admiral


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    Now we know why his Sack is so big
    His sack is so big because he only cums once a year


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    #7387
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    fleet_admiral wrote: »
    His sack is so big because he only cums once a year

    No wonder he has low elf-esteem

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #7388
    Buford T. Justice XIX
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,633 ✭✭✭✭Buford T. Justice XIX


    fleet_admiral wrote: »
    His sack is so big because he only cums once a year

    And when he does, it's down a chimney...


  • Options
    #7389
    jonnybegood
    Registered Users Posts: 157 ✭✭jonnybegood


    A grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,


    "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"



    The operator said,


    "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"



    The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,


    "Norma Findlay, Room 302."



    The operator replied,


    "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."



    After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,


    "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."



    The grandmother said,


    "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."



    The operator replied,


    "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"



    The grandmother said,


    "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. The staff tell me F**K ALL!"


  • Options
    #7390
    tayto lover
    Registered Users Posts: 51,487 ✭✭✭✭tayto lover


    jonnybegood wrote: »
    A grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,


    "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"



    The operator said,


    "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"



    The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,


    "Norma Findlay, Room 302."



    The operator replied,


    "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."



    After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,


    "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."



    The grandmother said,


    "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."



    The operator replied,


    "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"



    The grandmother said,


    "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. The staff tell me F**K ALL!"

    When did she change her name?


  • Options
    #7391
    JCX BXC
    Registered Users Posts: 18,106 ✭✭✭✭JCX BXC


    tayto lover wrote: »
    When did she change her name?

    What?


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    #7392
    fr336
    Registered Users Posts: 10,179 ✭✭✭✭fr336


    Carnacalla wrote: »
    What?

    I'm guessing they meant that they've seen the joke before with a different name in the starring role :P Could be wrong though


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    #7393
    ctrl-alt-delete
    Registered Users Posts: 13,791 ✭✭✭✭ctrl-alt-delete


    I am up in court tomorrow charged with stealing a canvas picture of myself, i maintain that I was framed.


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    #7394
    howyanow
    Registered Users Posts: 441 ✭✭howyanow


    ctrl-alt-delete wrote: »
    I am up in court tomorrow charged with stealing a canvas picture of myself, i maintain that I was framed.

    Myself and my friend were in court before charged with stealing a calendar.

    We got 6 months each!


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    #7395
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,700 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    She was only a poitín makers daughter, but I loved her still.


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    #7396
    chughes
    Registered Users Posts: 1,740 ✭✭✭chughes


    She was only the farmer's daughter but all the farm manure......


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    #7397
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Q: What do you get when you cross an Atheist and a Jehovah's Witness?

    A: Someone who goes around knocking on people's doors for no reason.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #7398
    Hotblack Desiato
    Registered Users Posts: 33,905 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato


    howyanow wrote: »
    Myself and my friend were in court before charged with stealing a calendar.

    We got 6 months each!

    2 men were arrested, one for stealing batteries and swallowing them, the other for stealing fireworks and shoving them up his @rse

    The first was charged, the second was let off

    Life ain't always empty.



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    #7399
    Hagar7
    Registered Users Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Hagar7


    Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum. "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

    The crowd are up on their feet "Hail Caesar, hail mighty Caesar"

    Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some crap. He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."

    Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. " Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".

    The crowd is up on their feet again. "Hail Caesar, hail mighty Caesar".

    Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his crap, I'm off to France to check this out." So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.

    Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort them out"

    The crowd is up on their feet. "Hail Caesar, hail mighty Caesar"

    Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!"

    The crowd is stunned and all sit down in silence.

    Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says, "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing... Away Gauls count double in Europe."


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    #7400
    Hagar7
    Registered Users Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Hagar7


    Dan went to his appointment with the urologist. At the examining room he told the doctor, "now you mustn't laugh!" "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In more than twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," Dan said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'willie' the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.

    Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing hysterically. Five minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.

    Now, what seems to be the problem?

    "It's swollen," Dan replied. :(


  • Options
    #7401
    Busted Flat.
    Registered Users Posts: 4,003 ✭✭✭Busted Flat.


    Husband says to wife on Mothers day "would you like me to cook breakfast or shag for Mothers day, she replies we shag its easier for me to clean up my F///y than the kitchen.


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    #7402
    Mike Litoris
    Registered Users Posts: 6,006 ✭✭✭Mike Litoris


    The scene is set- a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.

    Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, One from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.
    Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous. The night of tales begins...

    Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'.

    Hansie from Seth Efrika (who typically can't stand to be bettered) said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'.

    Colin, the Tough Australian, remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.


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    #7403
    witzky
    Registered Users Posts: 89 ✭✭witzky


    whiskeyman wrote: »
    ^^

    To add:

    What's the German for constipation?

    Farfrompoopin

    Can't resist..

    What's the German for virgin?

    NiceAnTiteIn


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    #7404
    Hagar7
    Registered Users Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Hagar7


    Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
    T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
    hand."


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    #7405
    Hagar7
    Registered Users Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Hagar7


    What gets longer when pulled...............

    Fits between your boobs..............

    Inserts neatly in a hole, and

    Works best when jerked..................... ???

    A SEAT BELT you perverts.!!!


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    #7406
    Hagar7
    Registered Users Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Hagar7


    The Pastor's Donkey

    The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

    The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again. The local paper read:
    PASTOR'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.

    The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races. The next day the local paper headline read:
    BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.

    This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

    The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline:
    NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.

    The Bishop fainted.

    He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for €10. The next day the headlines read:
    NUN SELLS ASS FOR €10.

    This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.

    The next day the headlines read:
    NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

    Alas ... The Bishop was buried the next day.


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    #7407
    Mulumpy
    Registered Users Posts: 815 ✭✭✭Mulumpy


    Yo' Mama so fat, when she walked past the TV i missed three episodes


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    #7408
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,700 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Yo mama's so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.


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    #7409
    Hagar7
    Registered Users Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Hagar7


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    Yo mama's so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.

    Boomerang you say,eh?
    Did anyone ever tell you that I'm the toughest guy in Glasgow.....when I threw my boomerang up in the air it was so scared of me it never came back.:eek:


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    #7410
    blade1
    Registered Users Posts: 12,106 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    Hagar7 wrote: »
    Boomerang you say,eh?
    Did anyone ever tell you that I'm the toughest guy in Glasgow.....when I threw my boomerang up in the air it was so scared of me it never came back.:eek:

    What do you call a Boomerang that doesn't come back?



    A stick!


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    #7411
    dinneenp
    Registered Users Posts: 8,100 ✭✭✭dinneenp


    Hotblack Desiato wrote: »
    2 men were arrested, one for stealing batteries and swallowing them, the other for stealing fireworks and shoving them up his @rse

    The first was charged, the second was let off
    2 knackers/southerners/insert minority groups you wish were walking fine a road. A car ploughed into them, I've sent through the windscreen, the other flew into a ditch.
    In court one was fine for break and entry, the other for leaving the scene of the crime.


This discussion has been closed.
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