The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Capt'n Midnight · 18-10-2013 12:36am

It's no secret that when he doesn't want sympathy, R Kelly is just known as Kelly.

chughes · 18-10-2013 7:07am

Banjo String wrote: »

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks 2 fingers up to the barman and says "five beers please" ...

Was the Roman left handed? There's something sinister about left handed Romans.

rolliepoley · 18-10-2013 7:43pm

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "Thats a good piece of fir." "Correct, says the manager, now try this one." "Thats a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He gets his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused says the blind man, Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, youre trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. Its the s**t house door off a tuna boat!"

Mr Tibbs · 18-10-2013 7:51pm

Remember the days when young women could cook as good as their mothers, nowadays they can drink as good as their fathers.

rolliepoley · 18-10-2013 8:03pm

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

Mr Tibbs · 18-10-2013 8:10pm

rolliepoley wrote: »

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

Its like the two identical cartoon captions I saw in a daily paper recently showing a doctor talking to a patient lying on a bed. One was private health where the doctor was saying to the patient, you will make a full recovery in six months and in the public heath caption he said to the patient, you have six months.

Curly Judge · 18-10-2013 8:13pm

This one has probably been done before but can anybody add a better one for the Irish entry.

POLITICS EXPLAINED WITH COWS:

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour....

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, and then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you do not know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them.
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.
The IMF loans you two cows.
You eat both of them.
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.
You are out getting a haircut.

AN IRISH CORPORATION
You have two cows
One of them is a horse.

My feeble entry: You have two cows.
You claim a subsidy on five.

rolliepoley · 18-10-2013 8:15pm

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

Its like the two identical cartoon captions I saw in a daily paper recently showing a doctor talking to a patient lying on a bed. One was private health where the doctor was saying to the patient, you will make a full recovery in six months and in the public heath caption he said to the patient, you have six months.

I could imagine the cues outside VHI if that was an opition of health care.

:pac:

Capt'n Midnight · 18-10-2013 8:29pm

chughes wrote: »

Was the Roman left handed? There's something sinister about left handed Romans.

A dexterous Roman could give that appearance.

EoghanIRL · 19-10-2013 12:18am

After a night at the bar, a guy invites his friend over to see his new apartment. During the tour, his friend sees a large gong against the wall and asks, "What's with the gong?" "It's not a gong, it's a talking clock," says the guy. He picks up the mallet, and hits the gong. His neighbor screams from the other side of the wall, "Shut the **** up, Its 3:30 in the goddamn morning!"

EoghanIRL · 19-10-2013 12:23am

I'm sick and tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit .

I think It's time to make a stand. Maybe I'll save it for a rainy day .

19-10-2013 12:49am

EoghanIRL wrote: »

I'm sick and tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit .

I think It's time to make a stand. Maybe I'll save it for a rainy day .

Get your (rain) coat! ..... :pac:

Uberbeamerman · 19-10-2013 12:53am

Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

notnumber · 19-10-2013 12:57am

I meet Vincent van Gogh in the local last eve..I say do you want a pint Vincent?
He says Ah no i have one ear.

19-10-2013 5:16pm

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shít out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'

JordanG990 · 19-10-2013 6:26pm

I walked into B and Q yesterday and asked them what they're best electric drill was, I was pointed to an aisle where I was told to find a Black and Decker.

I'm now being done for racist assault.

EoghanIRL · 19-10-2013 11:02pm

notnumber wrote: »

Van Gogh was in my local pub last night.I said Vinny do you wanna pint?
He says "Ah no Im grand I have one ear".

So good you had to post it twice .

notnumber · 20-10-2013 12:30pm

EoghanIRL wrote: »

So good you had to post it twice .

I shudva gone to specsavers no doubt :rolleyes:-second post deleted .

20-10-2013 1:01pm

notnumber wrote: »

I shudva gone to specsavers no doubt :rolleyes:-second post deleted .

It's best not to cut - n - paste jokes into the "quick reply", I often find that it gets posted twice! :mad:

Just paste it into the reply box instead.

rolliepoley · 20-10-2013 4:45pm

Who is Jack Schitt? The Lineage Revealed.

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

rolliepoley · 20-10-2013 5:25pm

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad: You can't find your birth control pills. Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections

Good: You wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47. Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: You're daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients. Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

Good: You're son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's you're best friend

Good: You're wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

windy shepard henderson · 20-10-2013 6:40pm

how did the hipster burn his hand?

he tried to change the light bulb before it was cool..

EoghanIRL · 20-10-2013 11:36pm

What's Mary short for?

She's got no legs.

EoghanIRL · 20-10-2013 11:39pm

Your family tree must be a cactus because everyone on it is a prick.

EoghanIRL · 20-10-2013 11:42pm

Invisible man goes to the doctor.

Doctor says "I can't see you right now."

:cool:

Capt'n Midnight · 21-10-2013 2:24am

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon,

and follow them up with "Ah I guess you had to be there."

21-10-2013 7:58am

A Day at the Races.

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a London casino when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman. They got on famously and ended up in bed.

The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Ascot that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.

In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed €100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.

In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then €5000 in front.

In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her crutch. He backed nothing.
After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4. 'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked 'It came home at 30/1 ?'

'Shít', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was scratched!'

Stevokenevo · 21-10-2013 4:40pm

What's brown and runny?

Usain Bolt

Stevokenevo · 21-10-2013 4:41pm

What's brown and runny?

Usain Bolt

Howard Juneau · 21-10-2013 4:41pm

Stevokenevo wrote: »

What's brown and runny?

Usain Bolt

What was wrong with the first one?.... False start?

Ted_YNWA · 21-10-2013 6:38pm

Stevokenevo wrote: »

What's brown and runny?

Usain Bolt

Howard Juneau wrote: »

What was wrong with the first one?.... False start?

The comedians are quick off the mark when a double post happens

Howard Juneau · 21-10-2013 6:57pm

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

The comedians are quick off the mark when a double post happens

It was a slow day at work

21-10-2013 7:02pm

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shít yourself when I tell you the price!"

EoghanIRL · 21-10-2013 9:30pm

Two elderly men are conversing and drinking wine while their wives prepare dinner in the kitchen. As the discussion begins to dwindle, Tom and Norman decide to delve into their limited pop culture knowledge.
"Well now, Tom," says Norman, "me and Carolyn tuned into one of those nightly talk shows the other day. Boy, was it a hoot! But I can't seem to remember for the life of me what it was called."
'Here, describe it to me. Lets see if I can help," offers Tom.
"Well, he was a big ol' middle aged man," Norman starts, "and he had a whole lotta' cars. Ah! I got it now! His name was.. well, shoot. What was his name? It was a bird of some sort."
"A bird? Like a robin?"
"No no, a blue bird. What are those small blue birds, Tom?"
"A bluejay?" suggests Tom.
"Yeah! Jay was his name. Jay Leno. Y'all should try him out sometime."
"Well, you know what Norm. We went and saw ourselves a movie the other night, but darned if I've already forgot the name."
"Come now, Tom, why don't you run it past me? Maybe I'll do some good."
"Yeah, sure," says Tom. "Well... ****, let me see... Okay. What's the name of that flower, a common flower."
"A dandelion?" suggests Norman.
"No no. No it's a red one."
"You mean a tulip?"
"Naw come now, Norm. It's red and gots thorns all over it."
"That'd be a rose, then."
"A rose! Yeah, that's what it was, a rose!" exclaims Tom.
He turns over his shoulder and cries "HEY ROSE, WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT MOVIE WE SAW THE OTHER NIGHT??"

EoghanIRL · 21-10-2013 9:32pm

So a cowboy is riding along a trail in the old west and sees an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. As he gets closer he hears the Indian saying to himself "Wagon...two gray horses...two passengers, man and woman...man driving" The cowboy goes "Wow! you can tell all that by just putting your ear to the ground?" The Indian replies "No. Wagon pass half hour ago, run me over."

h3000 · 21-10-2013 9:42pm

A British couple adopted an orphaned German baby. For five years the baby was silent, wouldn't cry, never said a word to any one. The parents concerned that the child might have a disability took him to specialist after specialist, and all concluded that the child was normal.

On the child's sixth birthday the parents gave young Wolfgang an apple strudel. Wolfgang took one bite and said, "This apple strudel is a bit tepid."

The parents look on in amazement, the mother asking, "Wolfgang, you've never spoken before. Why now after all these years?"

Wolfgang looked her in the eye and says, "Up until now everything had been satisfactory."

SteelyDanJalapeno · 22-10-2013 11:41am

h3000 wrote: »

A British couple adopted an orphaned German baby. For five years the baby was silent, wouldn't cry, never said a word to any one. The parents concerned that the child might have a disability took him to specialist after specialist, and all concluded that the child was normal.

On the child's sixth birthday the parents gave young Wolfgang an apple strudel. Wolfgang took one bite and said, "This apple strudel is a bit tepid."

The parents look on in amazement, the mother asking, "Wolfgang, you've never spoken before. Why now after all these years?"

Wolfgang looked her in the eye and says, "Up until now everything had been satisfactory."

I don't get it.....

GerB40 · 22-10-2013 11:47am

TiltedBrain wrote: »

I don't get it.....

It's taking the píss out the German stereotype of being "efficient". The child never spoke because he never had good reason to, hence the joke...

gramar · 22-10-2013 12:02pm

h3000 wrote: »

A British couple adopted an orphaned German baby. For five years the baby was silent, wouldn't cry, never said a word to any one. The parents concerned that the child might have a disability took him to specialist after specialist, and all concluded that the child was normal.

On the child's sixth birthday the parents gave young Wolfgang an apple strudel. Wolfgang took one bite and said, "This apple strudel is a bit tepid."

The parents look on in amazement, the mother asking, "Wolfgang, you've never spoken before. Why now after all these years?"

Wolfgang looked her in the eye and says, "Up until now everything had been satisfactory."

TiltedBrain wrote: »

I don't get it.....

Are you saying the joke wasn't satisfactory?

chughes · 22-10-2013 4:10pm

gramar wrote: »

Are you saying the joke wasn't satisfactory?

Does anyone else get a sense of schadenfreude when a German joke doesn't work?

gramar · 22-10-2013 4:21pm

chughes wrote: »

Does anyone else get a sense of schadenfreude when a German joke doesn't work?

The jokes are the only German thing that don't work. When you have aspirations to take over the world I suppose you don't have time to be joking around.

saltyjack silverblade · 22-10-2013 4:33pm

chughes wrote: »

Does anyone else get a sense of schadenfreude when a German joke doesn't work?

the english word for schadenfreude is epicaricacy. :rolleyes:

eisenberg1 · 22-10-2013 4:35pm

saltyjack silverblade wrote: »

the english word for schadenfreude is epicaricacy. :rolleyes:

That explains that then:D

chughes · 22-10-2013 4:54pm

gramar wrote: »

The jokes are the only German thing that don't work. When you have aspirations to take over the world I suppose you don't have time to be joking around.

In fairness they've had some cracking one liners like vorsprung durch technik and arbeit macht frei.

Sure they're gas lads altogether

gramar · 22-10-2013 5:14pm

chughes wrote: »

In fairness they've had some cracking one liners like vorsprung durch technik and arbeit macht frei.

Sure they're gas lads altogether

vorsprung durch technik? I thinkj you mean this:

Two dwarfs out on the pull, manage to score and take two woman home. Dwarf one has a case of limp-dick so he can’t get it up and to make matters worse, all night he can hear dwarf two saying “right, here I come again… 1…2…3 uuhhhh”. Next morning, dwarf one says to dwarf two, “how humiliating! I couldn’t even get an erection”. Dwarf two says, “You think that’s bad… I couldn’t even get on the ****ing bed”!
So the next night – the dwarf goes back to the woman from the night before except this time he’s carrying a little suitcase. As the woman lies back on the bed, preparing herself for a bit of a quiet night, the dwarf opens his suitcase and takes out four little peices of coiled spring.
He attaches one each to his feet and one each to his hands. Standing up, slightly unsteadily, he bounces first up onto the bed and then onto the awaiting woman. Up and down, up and down he goes until finally the pair climax in a shower of bodily fluids.
As they smoke a post-coital cigarette, the woman turns to the dwarf and says “Wow, little fella, that was the most amazing sex I’ve ever experienced! But a somewhat unusual technique. What do you call it?”
“Well, its a german method” replies the dwarf, ” It’s four-sprung-dwarf-technique

eisenberg1 · 22-10-2013 5:24pm

At the Munich Olympics, a guy sees a chap walking near a stadium with a very long stick under his arm, he ask "are you a pole vaulter?"
The fella answers, No I am German, but how did you know my name vas Valter?

Dave H · 22-10-2013 7:34pm

nootroc wrote: »

A girl was telling her friend about her date the previous night.

'It was very frustrating' she said 'he gave up just as I was about to give in'

Sorry for hitting the archives for this one but all I could think was:
"He said f**k this as just I was about to say f**k this."

rolliepoley · 22-10-2013 7:45pm

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

The case came before the court, and when asked why he acted in such a manner, the man replied, "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read, 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then she moved under one that read, 'Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling.' I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.' Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read, 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'" He won the case.

Aphex · 22-10-2013 8:55pm

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?" "Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?

efb · 22-10-2013 10:18pm

Conjunctivitis.com...... A sight for sore eyes.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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