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Boyfriend won't stay over.

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  • 25-05-2015 1:18am
    #1
    bones123
    Registered Users Posts: 30 ✭


    I'm currently in a relationship for the last year and a half with a lovely guy. However there's a major stumbling block for me, he refuses to stay over with me, we might hang out all evening and nap together etc, but he'll then get up and go home. This is regardless of the time, it could be 3 am and he'll still get up and leave. I have spoken to him on this numerous times but nothing changes. He keeps saying not yet or that he's not ready for that. We have been away for weekends for various reasons and will stay together in the hotel room so I can't understand his reluctance to share my own bed. I'm just looking for any advice on this. Is it time to call it a day? I love him but I'm tired of this half relationship.


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    #2
    Juza1973
    Registered Users Posts: 130 ✭✭Juza1973


    bones123 wrote: »
    I'm currently in a relationship for the last year and a half with a lovely guy. However there's a major stumbling block for me, he refuses to stay over with me, we might hang out all evening and nap together etc, but he'll then get up and go home. This is regardless of the time, it could be 3 am and he'll still get up and leave. I have spoken to him on this numerous times but nothing changes. He keeps saying not yet or that he's not ready for that. We have been away for weekends for various reasons and will stay together in the hotel room so I can't understand his reluctance to share my own bed. I'm just looking for any advice on this. Is it time to call it a day? I love him but I'm tired of this half relationship.

    Did he explain to you when he would feel is the right time or why it is not the right time at present? I think that you deserve an answer even if you possibly won't like it.


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    #3
    bones123
    Registered Users Posts: 30 ✭bones123


    He brushes off the question or says it won't be always be this way, but with no definite length of time. I should add, we're in our late twenties/early thirties.


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    #4
    Juza1973
    Registered Users Posts: 130 ✭✭Juza1973


    bones123 wrote: »
    He brushes off the question or says it won't be always be this way, but with no definite length of time. I should add, we're in our late twenties/early thirties.

    I'm a very indipendent man so I relate with his will not to be forced to do steps he is not ready to, still the world will not care of he stays at your home for the night. He is not signing any contact by doing so, maybe he wants the rest of the weekend for himself and that's OK


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    #5
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    Do you stay at his?

    Or is he just refusing to share a bed with you (trips away excluded)?


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    #6
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    I'd be questioning how committed he is. Leaving someone's bed in the middle of the night is more what you'd associate with a one night stand or someone who doesn't want to give the other person any ideas.

    Here's another preposterous thought. Are you sure he is actually single and doesn't have another gf somewhere else?


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    #7
    bones123
    Registered Users Posts: 30 ✭bones123


    He lives at home Jenny so staying at his isn't an option. Definitely no other woman either. He's self employed since about 6 months before we met and can often work 18 hour days, I sometimes go working with him or i wouldn't see him, so definitely no time for another woman. He's a very decent guy and knows this is such a problem for me, but for some reason, in his words he has "funny ideas" about staying over. I'm also his first serious girlfriend.


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    #8
    strobe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    Stavro Mueller wrote: »

    Here's another preposterous thought. Are you sure he is actually single and doesn't have another gf somewhere else?

    That's the first tings that springs to mind. A lot easier to explain getting home late as a night out with the lads, than explain away not coming home at all regularly to a wife/gf.
    How much do you know about him? Have you been back to his place? Have you been out with his friends, met any of his family? Know people in common?

    Or is it possible he has an embarrassing sleep related problem of some sort? Bladder issue, occasionally pisses in the bed?
    Knew someone that had 'night terrors' sometimes. Would half wake up /be half dreaming on occasion and was like something possessed, so was reluctant to sleep in the same bed as someone else as they could potentially end up hurting them.

    After a year and a half I don't think "not ready for that" really cuts it in terms of sleeping in the same bed as someone else. It's not exactly a massive commitment of any sort and even if it was, after a year and a half he's either prepared to commit a bit or the two of you are just threading water.

    Sounds like it's an excuse covering for something else though, whatever that is.


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    #9
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    A year and a half into a relationship and he basically will not sleep in the same bed as you unless he has no choice (trip away)?

    I'd feel absolutely rotten in your position.

    I'm with my boyfriend not much longer than 18 months and if he got up and left each and every time we had sex, instead of falling asleep with me, I'd feel dirty to be honest.

    Asking him to stay over isn't a commitment, it's a normal thing that happens in relationships!

    I think you should tell him exactly how unhappy you are about it. If he refuses to listen or brushes you off again, well, you know that your opinion isn't very important to him


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    #10
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    After 1.5 years op this would be a deal breaker for me. I think it would feel rather sleazy to me - having sex with my bf who then heads off home afterwards. It's highly unusual. More annoying is that he won't give you a straight answer about it. It's screams of commitment phobe to me. He's not a kid so when is he going to grow up?

    It's time to stop all 'perks' until this situation is finalised and he gives you some comfort around it all.


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    #11
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 5,121 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    If he lives at home still maybe it is his parents expecting him home every night - are they traditional people - why can't you stay over there?


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    #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    You say he lives at home with his parents? I would say that's the problem right there maybe they have strong views on sex before marriage or some BS like that and it's easier for him to just go home and not be put in an awkward position at home.


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    #13
    bones123
    Registered Users Posts: 30 ✭bones123


    His family would be quite traditional alright so no option of staying over there.I had been bringing up the issue a good bit but it came to a head this weekend, I'm at the point where I don't even want to go away at weekends with him because I feel it isn't realistic, when we come home nothing changes. We were both quite upset about it this weekend but I was trying to explain to him that it's up to him to compromise on this. I've never come across it before and have been in quite serious relationships in the past, living with one ex for years, so this is a huge issue for me.


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    #14
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    Would he consider moving out of home away from mammy and daddy?


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    #15
    bones123
    Registered Users Posts: 30 ✭bones123


    Stavro Mueller wrote: »
    Would he consider moving out of home away from mammy and daddy?
    it's a money thing at the moment, his business has eaten a lot of his spare cash, he moved home when he started it up, he hadn't been living there up until two years ago.


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    #16
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Maybe cos he lives at home he must go home each night or his mam will be on his case


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    #17
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    He's an adult.

    If mammy is on his case, he tells her calmly that he's a big boy and will stay out if he wants.


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    #18
    jlm29
    Registered Users Posts: 3,818 ✭✭✭jlm29


    Jenny Thalia wrote: »
    He's an adult.

    If mammy is on his case, he tells her calmly that he's a big boy and will stay out if he wants.

    It's possible the parents have "rules" which must be adhered to if he's living with them. It's not always an option to tell someone to back off, but then expect their financial support.


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    #19
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    jlm29 wrote: »
    It's possible the parents have "rules" which must be adhered to if he's living with them. It's not always an option to tell someone to back off, but then expect their financial support.

    And if that's the case, he should be breaking up with the op because he cannot offer her a normal, adult relationship.


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    #20
    kylith
    Registered Users Posts: 17,736 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    bones123 wrote: »
    He lives at home Jenny so staying at his isn't an option.

    My money would be on Mammy and Daddy being on his case if he stays in your place overnight, in which case I would be seriously reconsidering a relationship with someone who, in his early 30s, is incapable of standing up to his parents.

    If it were me I'd tell him that him leaving after sex made me feel like a whore or a dirty secret and that if it wasn't going to change pdq he could stay home every night because I wouldn't be going out with him any longer.


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    #21
    milli milli
    Registered Users Posts: 1,247 ✭✭✭milli milli


    OP are ye actually having sex? The reason I ask is that you haven't mentioned it in any of your posts. You just say that he'll leave after a nap or whatever.
    If you are in fact having sex, and he leaves after, then this is not-on and you must be feeling very used indeed.
    You need to put the foot down with him. This kind of thing will destroy your self-esteem.
    He sounds like he has commitment issues. From what you describe it almost sounds like he uses you for sex and then leaves.
    I know that sounds harsh but I wouldn't put up with this behaviour.
    If he refuses to change, then you will have to consider the future of your relationship.


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    #22
    bones123
    Registered Users Posts: 30 ✭bones123


    Yes we have sex. I am already considering the future of this relationship, I love him and he's perfect in every other way but this is a huge issue for me. I've asked is it because of his parents and he has said it's not.


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    #23
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Aside from this matter, does your bf say he loves you, that he is mad about you and wants a future etc? Does he do romantic things, act like he loves you? You say you love him, do you feel apart from this matter the feeling is mutual?
    If so you should be able to work around it, talk to him about how it makes you feel used etc. If in other ways he doesn't tell you or prove to you that he is in love with you then I don't think there's any future or any point in trying to fix this one issue. If he won't talk about it, at least stop having sex with him and enabling this carry on.


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    #24
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    An yeah op there is something bizarre going on in his head. Not trying to make you totally paranoid but is he definitely going home? A guy I know used to call at his fwb house at 3/4 am on way home from a club. Are you sure he is sleeping in his own bed


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    #25
    Pyr0
    Registered Users Posts: 5,967 ✭✭✭Pyr0


    I was thinking maybe it's "performance" related or he's worried about having sex but as you've stated, you have sex so that isn't a problem. You're sure it isn't another woman/family (touch wood!), i'm struggling to think of a serious enough reason for him to be avoiding it.

    You mention you've asked about the parents thing and he said no, that wasn't it, have you pressured him afterwards to get an answer? If it was me i wouldn't drop it until I got a valid answer, considering it's 1.5 years in you're entitled to one at this stage!


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    #26
    zoobizoo
    Registered Users Posts: 2,714 ✭✭✭zoobizoo


    ANything to do with just getting a decent night's sleep?

    I know that I've gotten up and left someone's place before as I just couldn't get to sleep there.

    Do you snore? Do you have a large double bed? Do you have housemates? Does he sleep walk / pee the bed? Just throwing out a few things that might contribute to the reason.

    When I am working for myself and I have a lot on, the importance of a decent night's sleep is paramount.


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    #27
    tinz18
    Registered Users Posts: 329 ✭✭tinz18


    I did know a guy who disliked sleeping with someone (as in the sleeping in the bed part). He always thought there was something wrong with him because he had the preference of being alone (he had genuine intimacy problems- to him sleeping meant major commitment), I think he's over it by now but for a long time he was the love em and leave em type. OP I would say if ye're having sex and he's leaving right after you need to sit him down and get a straight answer why he's doing that because I'm sure its wearing on your esteem at this stage. Personally I couldn't live with that as I live for the cuddles and the waking up next to my bf in the morning.
    As for the above reasons for him leaving, I'm an incredibly light sleeper and I value a good nights sleep but if this is an ongoing problem, at this point I'd expect your fella to tell you you snore, the beds too small etc rather than leaving you guessing at the reasons.


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    #28
    Full Marx
    Registered Users Posts: 666 ✭✭✭Full Marx


    zoobizoo wrote: »
    ANything to do with just getting a decent night's sleep?

    I know that I've gotten up and left someone's place before as I just couldn't get to sleep there.

    Do you snore? Do you have a large double bed? Do you have housemates? Does he sleep walk / pee the bed? Just throwing out a few things that might contribute to the reason.

    When I am working for myself and I have a lot on, the importance of a decent night's sleep is paramount.
    I reckon its this.

    Personally I can only get a good nights sleep in my own bed in my own house, maybe he just doesnt feel comfortable there.

    Seems a bit drastic to dump him if this is the only blot on an otherwise fine relationship.


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    #29
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    Does he know how close he is to the exit door over this issue?


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    #30
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    Full Marx wrote: »
    I reckon its this.

    Personally I can only get a good nights sleep in my own bed in my own house, maybe he just doesnt feel comfortable there.

    Seems a bit drastic to dump him if this is the only blot on an otherwise fine relationship.

    So how will things work out in the future if he can't sleep in his girlfriend's bed now? Unless they never move in together ever?


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    #31
    scrimshanker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 738 ✭✭✭scrimshanker


    Hi Op.

    If I was in your position I'd tell him that it's wearing away at you and has gotten to the point where you need an explanation. A proper one. Tell him that comments like not being ready won't cut it and after 18 months together you deserve to know why he's not ready. Tell him you are sick of it, but don't want to put him on the spot so you want him to think about it and you'll discuss it after dinner tomorrow (or whenever).

    It's not good enough for him to fob you off. If he has a genuine reason well then it's time to share that. I'd be putting a bit of pressure on. Let him know that if he doesn't give you an explanation then you're not sure how much longer you see yourself with him.


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