Deal Breaker in a Relationship

SugarHigh wrote: »

If someone felt I needed to be told this I'd probably dump them. It's really offensive.

Not singling out this post in particular, I get what you're saying and everything, but the amount of times I've read this type of thing on boards...it leads me to think that either people are massively exaggerating or 90% of boardsies are incapable of any kind of long-term commitment. I certainly hope that, if you were being deliberately facetious, nobody else reads it and thinks, "Yeah...you know what, you're right!"

To suggest that you'd dump someone over a comment like that is ridiculous!

If you're with someone over a long enough period of time, stuff like that is mentioned in passing all the time! I mean, a content girlfriend wouldn't sit down and have a 2-hour, serious conversation lecturing a fella who's never shown any signs of domestic violence. But almost every self-respecting woman, I'd imagine, would at least mention in passing that it's something they would never tolerate. Just to be sensible and safe!

I call that stage of the relationship the 'Terms & Conditions' stage: when you both realise it's going somewhere and start regularly talking about what you ultimately want/don't want in a partner. Saying that you'd like a child eventually =/ saying that you want a child now. In the same light, saying that you wouldn't accept domestic violence =/ thinking the person 'needs' to be warned or accusing them of being that type of person. It's simply letting them know that you won't be walked over. That's mature. That's sensible. That's building the foundation of a good relationship.

I know we live in Ireland where we'd rather live a lifetime in disgruntled, suppressed silence rather than going to any 'bother' by raising important issues that could disturb the peace. But that doesn't mean it's the right way to be.

Polloloca wrote: »

Would it not be a given that should he hit you he'd be gone? I would hope that its a given in all relationships. Should I hit him, I would expect to be dumped too.

I personally wouldn't feel the need to bring that up in a relationship, as I would hope he liked me enough or had enough respect for me that he wouldn't harm me. And, of course, it goes without saying, I would be pretty offended if he said to me "Polloloca, if you ever hit me, we're finished." I mean, if he thought i was capable of that, clearly we are not compatible.

I have brought it up before. I guess its cause I have a history of it and its a touchy subject with me, maybe its just to reassure myself really. Looking back on it, I guess it was pretty rude and uncalled for but its just where my head was any time I said it. I guess instead of getting offended if you were asked it, maybe ask the girl why she is asking?

And sadly its not a deal breaker in all relationships.

stupidusername wrote: »

I'd be interested to hear from other girls on that so, because no, I don't recall ever 'mentioning' to a boyfriend that if he ever hit me he'd be gone. that and cheating would probably be the two biggest things that I'd (like to) think anyone would know would be dealbreakers.

I mean, I get talking about other things that are important to an individual, for instance lying is my thing, the smallest lie about anything takes away from my trust in someone. and so that would come up in bits here or there. but cheating and abuse, no, what kind of person would you be if you needed to tell someone that. [excluding the original person who would have experience of it in the past]

Here's a sample:

"Did you hear Rihanna recorded a new song with Chris Brown?"
"No way, really? I think it's disgraceful if she goes back to him. If a bloke ever hit me, I'd make sure he never even saw me again. I definitely would never get back with him."

Boom, you've had the conversation. Not because you 'needed' to. You haven't had a big sit-down conversation either. Just because people talk about things when they spend enough time together and it comes up.

PlainP wrote: »

No seriously though I don't think you should go into a relationship with a list of what aspects you want or don't want in a person. If you like someone you spend some time with them and this way you find out what they are like and if you don't like them you obviously leave.

Going into something with preconceived ideas means you could be missing out on some of the best experiences of your life.

+1

Drugs, smoking, drinking to excess, racist/homophobic traits etc, criminal activity

I could go on I'm in my 30's now and I know exactly the kind of person I would want to be with, its good to have standards but equally important not to set the bar so high no one will ever reach it. I am with my husband 16 yrs and we both have traits that drive the other mad but sometimes I think its only when you are actually living with someone that those things come out. You can find a way to work around them though.

I am a friend wrote: »

Also could not cope with someone who has bad habits like farting etc.

:eek:

But farting is natural!

And funny :pac:

Id never date a woman with dirty runners!:D

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=78094736&postcount=40

My above link to a post to another thread on the relationship thread would be relevant in this case and in more detail.

To sum it up major deal breakers for me be:

• The guy has a good sense of humour particularly similar to mine and that would not be insulting or offensive, being jokey jokey is ok but its good to know where to draw the line and be serious too!
• Has ambition, motivation, determination and aspirations other qualities be caring, kind, genuine, thoughtful, passionate, loyal and honest. Mature, immaturity what ever age is a turn off.
• Someone who I can have an intellectual conversation with but doesn’t have to be an Einstein but smart to an extent, well rounded and all that.
• Well educated and has a reasonable standard of living.
• Share similar values, views, principles, opinions and interests but not on everything but most things so that we have some things in common but also have something new, different and old to talk about too!
• Someone who can be themselves and I can be myself around with if we don’t click early on it could make or break it whether it lead to something or not even just lead to friendship if we don’t gel it be harder to keep a relationship going with me.
• Good dress sense and style that suits the person.
• Personality is more important to me than looks but looks well if he cute, nice and respectful then I be happy. Then again, it depends on the guy really I don’t have a particular type but I do go for certain types but various ones not the same not totally based on looks but weigh up more factors than looks in this case though I would go for certain looks over others in terms of style and so on.
• Is happy with oneself and with others enjoys their own company but likes other people's company too. I like my space and independence, do my own thing and I like them to do the same if they aren’t willing to do that then I wouldn’t want to be with them. Needy and clingy not good. I like that he hang out with his mates does his own thing and I do my own thing hang out with my friends and so on and not necessary do everything together and share every interest but I would like that we can trust each other and confide in each other too.
• Certain things would put me off, excessive tats, excessive smoking/drinking would be a turn off, being controlling, and possessive and overly groomed I like a guy with hair on his chest but not too much either. Though if it were one or two flaws I could cope with it but if there are a range of them depends how minor or how easily I could get pass them. When it comes to religion and politics and sport not a major fan of any of them but support someone to an extent but sport is part of most guys lifestyles so can deal with that sort of thing, If I can chat to him about GAA and Rugby be good a start! Then again politics I rather stay out of it. Religion I am not overly religious myself and would hope the guy in question be the same. I cannot change who I am and I cannot change who he is. Being unique and different is good others might not like that.
• I like a strong guy who can speak his mind but at the same time I like a guy who is a real guy whether he younger or older but I do tend to be attracted to younger guys and they to me more so. So age might have a bearing on it too for me! Sorry about that.
• Someone who is compassionate, confident and open, I like to have kids some day and if a guy isn't at least open to it then that could be a deal breaker for me too but that he is not afraid to show his feelings, its good to talk! One other thing is, if we want different things or want to go different paths or ways in life that could be a major deal breaker!

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

Must be open minded to having kids - not ready for them yet myself but would want kids eventually

Must have ambition

Must be on the same level intellectually - doesn't have to be a genius but intelligence is a major turn on, and just a basic enthusiasm for learning would be sufficient

Must share basic social/political opinions - don't have to agree on everything but, for example, could never be in a relationship with somebody who was anti-gender equality or pro IRA or against immigrants etc.

Must share some (not all) common interests

Ideally, be female and hot (good luck to me finding that) :pac:

Pretty much on par to this but it the other way around, I am female so it be a male sharing similar to above.

Giselle wrote: »

If thats only the major dealbreakers, I'd hate to see your exhaustive list of exclusions!

Good luck with that.

"Send CV with a Cover Letter to...."

:pac:

Monkeybonkers wrote: »

Phew, don't know if most of the posters here are male or female (seems to be a few of both) but I can honestly say after reading this thread that I am destined to be single forever. Do the type of people that are being looked for even exist or is this a fantasy type of person that you would want in an ideal world? I can see how someone might have a lot of the characteristics that a poster is looking for but then fall down on one item out of 10 (in some cases) and BOOM!, you're outta there. Time to head for the 'Are you happy being single?' thread methinks and bemoan the fact that I'll never find anyone :(

I wouldn't get too down tbh, most people are willing to compromise what they see as their 'ideal relationship' once they meet someone decent. In other words, a lot of the 'dealbreakers' here are just words and guidelines rather than gospel.

leggo wrote: »

I wouldn't get too down tbh, most people are willing to compromise what they see as their 'ideal relationship' once they meet someone decent. In other words, a lot of the 'dealbreakers' here are just words and guidelines rather than gospel.

No, all of mine are actual deal-breakers, as most of them are major character flaws (AKA "red flags") IMO, that I couldn't put up with in a partner ("couldn't" as in both the past tense and the conditional )... after that, once the person is, as you say, decent (and there is attraction), we can see where we stand.

IMO, the more dealbreakers there are, the less chance of settling for someone unsuitable, and the better the chance of the next partner being a really good match. "Know thyself". But it took a long time to learn that.

Bring on the dealbreakers, I say!