The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

THE TAX MAN

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The
IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees
again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
Loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in
his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he
could come in here and **** all over an IRS official's desk and that
you'd be happy about it.

---

It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

---

---

Two female friends are catching up:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes, the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?
- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful...


MEN -
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep.
You?

- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
Couldn't find the bloody fuse-box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f *cking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so p!ssed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about f*ck knows what!

---

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing
and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up
and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into
the woods on the side of the fairway. He
goes looking for his ball and comes across
this little guy with this huge knot on his
head, and the golf ball lying right beside
him.

"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to
revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking,
the little guy says, "Well, you caught me
fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I
will grant you three wishes."

The man says "I can't take anything from you,
I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly,"
and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun
says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he
did catch me, so I have to do something for
him. I'll give him the three things that I
would want. I'll give him unlimited money,
a great golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in
jokes like this) and the same
golfer is out golfing on the same course at
the 16th hole. He gets up and
hits one into the same woods and goes off
looking for his ball. When he
finds the ball he sees the same little guy
and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I
ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under
par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And
might I ask how your money
is holding out?"

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention
it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I
pull out a hundred dollar bill."

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that
for you, too. And might I ask how your sex
life is?"

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and
says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once
or twice a week? Is that all?!"

The golfer looks at him and says, "Well,
that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in
a small parish

---

all shamelessly robbed:D

Apologies if here already, as it's an old one.

Pat worked in the Guinness brewery. One day, he leaned over too far, fell into a vat of Guinness, and was drowned.

The boss at Guinness went round to Pat's house to break the news to his wife. She cried uncontrollably, but eventually regained her composure and asked,

'I have to know - did Pat have a quick death?'

'No', came the reply.

'How do you know that? asked the wife in tears.

'Because he got out three times to do a pee.'

What separates humans from animals?

The Liffey.

A Teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious." Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Johnny jumps up and says, "Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious."

After years of a moratorium on Garda Recruitment, the bosses in Templemore were desperate so decided an interview process would be enough to get people into the Guards.

The three Paddies went for interview.

First in was Paddy Englishman who got through the interview OK. "A final question Paddy" say the Chief Super, "this being holy catholic Ireland and all, tell me, who killed Jesus?".

"That's easy innit" says Paddy Englishman, "it was Pontius Pilate".

"Good man" says the Chief Super "go out there, get a uniform and go down the town on traffic duty".

Next in was Paddy Scotsman who got also through the interview OK. "A final question Paddy" repeats the Chief Super, "this being holy catholic Ireland and all, tell me, who killed Jesus?".

"Och aye, it wus Pontius Pilate". replies Paddy Scotsman

"Good man" says the Chief Super "go out there, get a uniform and go down the town on traffic duty".

Finally in goes Paddy Irishman who's interview went OK. Again the Chief Super asks "A final question Paddy, this being holy catholic Ireland and all, tell me, who killed Jesus?".

"Be the hokey" says Paddy "I haven't a clue"

"Are ya sure?" asks the Chief Super "hows about you go outside and think about it and come back into me".

In the hallway, Paddy Irishman sees the other two boys in uniform heading out. "Jaysus" he says to them, "they move quick around here, ye're on traffic duty and they've got me solving a murder case!"

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants.
The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

A little boy writes his Christmas letter, Dear Santa I would like a little sister for Christmas.
Santa write back to him, Okay, can you send me your mother?

J Cheever Loophole wrote: »

I seem to recall BBC Radio 2 reporting on a survey of the best jokes ever, and this is what was considered the best ever joke;


Two men were hunting in the woods when, all of a sudden, one man had a heart attack. The other called 999. Someone answered, and he said, "You've gotta come help me. The guy I was hunting with had a heart attack. I think he's dead."


The person said, "Well, you've gotta make sure that he is dead."
So the hunter said, "Okay." Then he left the phone, there was a long pause, then a gun shot.

The hunter got back on the phone and said "Okay, now what?"

Yes this one is brilliant.

JessicaRabbit wrote: »

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No, you idiot!", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

Jacinta shouts frantically into the phone "I'm pregnant and I think me waters after breaking!!"

"Ok",replies the doctor," where are you ringing from"
.
.
.
"Eh,from me gee to me knees"

JessicaRabbit wrote: »

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No, you idiot!", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

A woman rings the maternity hospital and shouts into the phone "my waters have broke". The receptionist asks "where are you ringing from ?" and the woman replies " from the waist down".

Another Bear joke - there seem to be quite a few:
A guy is walking in the Rockies, when he's attacked by a Grizzly bear; but in the second before the bear strikes, the guy prays in desperation. The first thing that comes in to his head: "Lord, if you are there, please make this bear a good Christian!"
God hears the man's prayer and grants his wish! The bear stops short, looks at the guy, falls on to his knees, and says: "Lord, for what I am about to receive ..."

JessicaRabbit wrote: »

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
..........
.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk!!!!!!!

DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME!!!

Arrrrrgh!!! Gonna hunt you down for that one!!!!!:D

^^ About as funny as The Dictator...