My first go - title "The Madman?"

padraiggg · 21-10-2009 1:23pm #1

Chapter 1

A man in a hat entered the room. He took off the hat. “It's you!” They all said. At the same time like a class speaking to a teacher. “Hahaha Hello gentleman”, the man in the hat said, putting the hat on the table. “And hello ladies he said. Turning to the ladies and lifting his hat politely. “Leave us alone Trent!” The women said. Perhaps it was because the were angry at him for something he had done in the past, a long, long time ago. Or perhaps it was because he was holding a gun at them! The gun came from nowhere. He had got it out of his pocket and now both bullets were aimed at the people.”Say your prayers!” The man said but one of the men grabbed the gun, knocking the table with the hat on it and some other things on the floor. A vase got broken. Now the gun was in the other hands and we would have to wait and see if it was the right hands.

got this far, now got to work out what happens next!

padraiggg · 21-10-2009 2:05pm

sorry, should have said, im also looking for any feedback, do you think this is a good start how should i go from here

pickarooney · 21-10-2009 3:57pm

It's not a very good start, to be quite honest. If you don't know what's going to happen 5 lines into the book, maybe you should work that out first and then start (re)writing.

"Leave us alone Trent" ?? is this what someone who has a gun pointed at them says? How is he aiming both barrels (not bullets) at all the women at once and not at the men?

What's the story with the hat? It's on his head, then off, then on again... ?

"Now the gun was in the other hands"

This doesn't really read like English.

Insect Overlord · 21-10-2009 4:40pm

It reads as if it were written by a ten year old boy

padraiggg · 22-10-2009 4:53pm

Thanks for the feedback guys, not sure what you mean about the ten year old thoguh! I've had some more ideas, here's the beginning to the second chapter.

It had always been Trents problem to treat women like objects. Like a nice bookcase or a €350,000 mansion. He was sorry about that and sorry about what he had to do but he knew he had to do it. He had to pick up his hat and his gun and had to march to that house. He knew the people would be there and he had to kill them! But back to the women. Trent liked women but like all his things he did not do the right things with them. Like the time he broke that man's pen inthe bank by accident. He also like to take things that weren't his. "Leave my things alone! They would say to him. But he didnt care. not a jot.

Its a bit of back story on Trent. I think hes probably a nice man but a bit misunderstood! Maybe he was trying to save the people from something else though, Im not sure yet.

Splash · 22-10-2009 7:14pm

Frankly... Disturbing.

padraiggg · 23-10-2009 3:53pm

SKRRK! SKRRK SKRRK! Somehwere in the distance Trent could hear it. SKRRK! SKRRK! SKRRK! Trent could well remember that noise from the time he was in the army. "I can well remember that noise from the time I was in the army" Trent thought. No time for thinking, he thought. And carried on running. The SKRRK!ing seemed to be getting closer though and Trent knew he must stop and fight or be killed. "Gasp!" Trent gasped. "Corporal Jones?" "Hahaha, yes Trent, I knew you would come here and I knew you knew what the SKRRK!ing was and that you must stop. That's why I did it and why I came here in the first place." Trent wasn't sure whether he should hug him or punch him! Hug him because of the SKRRK!ing wasn't real and he knew he was safe after all, or punch him because he didn't actually like him! He shook the Corporal Jones on the hand. "Hahaha" said Corporal Jones. "Same old Trent!"

This is from when Trent is going to the house, he hasn't picked up his hat and gun yet so he's a bit scared when he hears the noise. He knows what it is, but I don't yet! Any ideas?

pickarooney · 23-10-2009 4:19pm

padraiggg wrote: »

Any ideas?

More to the point, do you have any ideas or are you just writing the first thing that comes into your head?

Although I have to say this bit was kind of funny.

Insect Overlord · 23-10-2009 4:19pm

I have a vague idea that you might be taking the piss here...

padraiggg · 23-10-2009 4:46pm

I have an idea of the story and the kind of things i want to happen, for example Trent was in the army and thre was an exercise they did where there was either an animal or perhaps the enemy and they made the SKRRK! noise and so Trent is naturally afraid of it. I don't really know what makes a SKRRK! noise though. Someone sharpening a knife perhaps. Much more dificult to write those joiny bits in between the action. My last attempt was frankly disturbing apparently.

FeetMagic · 27-10-2009 4:06am

Wow if this isnt taking the piss Id be shocked. Either way Ive found them hilarious, keep em coming!

IrishSerf · 27-10-2009 4:27am

padraiggg wrote: »

I have an idea of the story and the kind of things i want to happen, for example Trent was in the army and thre was an exercise they did where there was either an animal or perhaps the enemy and they made the SKRRK! noise and so Trent is naturally afraid of it. I don't really know what makes a SKRRK! noise though. Someone sharpening a knife perhaps. Much more dificult to write those joiny bits in between the action. My last attempt was frankly disturbing apparently.

All of your posts are frankly disturbing and I've noticed that scratching my head makes a SKRRK! sound. But write on............

padraiggg · 27-10-2009 2:50pm

"A gun!" Trent barked and "A hat!. The shopkeeper did not appreciate being barked at but told Trent where the guns and the hats where in his shop. He also didn't like to sell a gun to a man like Trent. The hat was ok. "Take your precious gun and hat and get out of my shop" said the shopkeeper when Trent had bought the gun and hat. Trent left the shop, pointing the gun at the shopkeeper like he might have shot him. The hat sat on his head like a man sitting on a park bench. "Peeeow!" peeowed Trent making a noise like a gun shooting. "Peeow " to you too said the shopkeeper. He knew there wasn't any bullets in the gun! Yet...

Insect Overlord · 27-10-2009 6:10pm

I'm starting to find this funny now

OP, one minor suggestion, using the spell-check function would add to the general read-ability of your writing. Perhaps a little more care with the use of apostrophes would make it easier to read the dialogue too.

padraiggg · 28-10-2009 11:14am

Trent was having a flashback. He suddenly remembered lots of exciting things that had happened to him that really showed who he was. He was glad that there was no way people could of known what he was thinking because it really gave away a lot about him. He shook his head to refocus on what he had to do. "Oh yes, killing all them people" Trent thought. He chuckled to himself "hahaha" because of the flashback. "Gosh that would really explain a lot about me... if people only knew what I was just thinking about..." A man who was passing looked at him and wondered why he had said it. BANG! Trent shot the man dead! He fell on the floor like some shopping that hadn't been doubly bagged but there was heavy shopping in the bag, so the bag ripped. Trent was just like that, but no-one knew why.

pickarooney · 28-10-2009 12:54pm

/subscribes to thread

Insect Overlord · 28-10-2009 1:41pm

The protagonist is beginning to sound a bit like Wolverine, only not as awesome...

padraiggg · 29-10-2009 4:23pm

Is the protagonist one of the other xmen? What do you think about Trent?

Trent looked at himself in the eyes. He couldn't of seen them normally except he was looking in a stream. Because of being in the army, he knew all about survival. Using a stream like mirror or a log or something as a seat if his legs got tired. His eyes that he was looking at looked tired, if only there was a log in that stream for them. There probably was logs in the stream thought Trent, but I'm not touching them with my eyes! "haha thought Trent. Trent sat on a log. Because of his legs were tired. CRACK! A noise went. CRACK! Like a mouse's spine breaking. Trent turned round at mouse height expecting to see one with a broke back. It was a broken twig though with a foot on it. Trent thought that was probably what broke it. He looked up the foot and up the leg the foot was on and then up again until he saw the face of a beautiful woman. Then Trent had sex with her " hahaha" Thought Trent.

Livvie · 02-11-2009 8:30am

A new paragraph here and there would make it more readable.

pickarooney · 02-11-2009 3:18pm

Paragraphs? Next you'll be wanting punctuation, coherence, a plot... no way, this is rock and roll!

padraiggg · 02-11-2009 5:09pm

What do you mean? Each post IS a paragraph! It would look very silly if it was just words dotted about everywhere!!!

A Mysterious STranger?

"So, we meet again Trent" said the man. "WHo is this man?" thought Trent. "Hahaha " said Trent, "I suppose we do, why don't you just tell me your name though, to remind me what it is in case I kill you and I need to tell the papers or a policeman what the name of the man I killed was." The man didn't fall for the trick though. "What's the matter Trent don't you recognise me?" Trent looked at the man, expcept he couldn;t because he was wearing a hat pulled down over his face and he was standing in the shadows anyway. Trent got ready to pull his gun out very quickly and shoot the man and this is what he was just about to do when suddenly the man stepped forward. "I am your father Trent" he said, taking off his hat. "Oh yes, said Trent "I didn't recognise you for a minute then" "hahaha" they both said. BANG! Trent shot the man! "Merry Christmas" said Trent.

pickarooney · 02-11-2009 5:12pm

That rascal! Is there anyone he won't shoot?

padraiggg · 02-11-2009 5:20pm

I'm not sure yet! I can tell you one thing I certainly wouldn't like to meet him down, a dark alley!

pickarooney · 02-11-2009 5:31pm

Dark alley, bright alley, Times Square... keep that rogue well away from me and my loved ones.

Insect Overlord · 02-11-2009 7:01pm

The greatest paternal twist of fate since George Lucas' in 1980?

Daftendirekt · 02-11-2009 9:35pm

This is great stuff.

Keep 'em coming!

padraiggg · 03-11-2009 6:54pm

Trent couldn't resist it. The casino had pulled him in. Like when you pull in all the stuffing from a cushion that your naughty dog has chewed up and left on the floor and instead of shouting at the dog your mum shouts at you because you were supposed to be watching him. So Trent was in the casino even though he had other stuff to do, like killing all them people. Like when you have homework and you should do it but you watch both Simpsons on sky one and then the Scrubs repeats and your stupid sister tells of you. Anyway he was pulled in. And he knew he had stuff to do but he didn't care, he had shot his parents anyway they couldnt tell him off because of they were dead!. "£1000000 on black" Trent said. He casually tossed a £1000000 chip on the table. The cocktail waitress really fancied him. "BLACK!" exclaimed the dealer. "hahaha" said Trent. "Too easy". Then he had sex with the cocktail waitress.

FeetMagic · 03-11-2009 7:34pm

You're losing it man..

Penn · 03-11-2009 11:54pm

This is just a wild stab in the dark, but I'll put it in spoiler tags just in case I'm right

Is Trent actually Chuck Norris?

pickarooney · 04-11-2009 12:42pm

I was debating over Trent Reznor or Terrence Trent D'Arby but yes... it could be that Trent is so cunning he's using an alias to avoid detection!

Hanumanmaman · 04-11-2009 12:56pm

I just happened to stumble in here by accident and now I'm hooked. Don't leave me hangin' man

hypnodice · 04-11-2009 2:03pm

I want to see more!

padraiggg · 04-11-2009 2:30pm

Trent felt a hand on his shoulder. At least he assumed it was a hand. His mind briefly ran through the other things it could of been, a bird? no that would of been obvious because of its claws and feathers, a leaf from a tree? too light. could his hat have fallen off his head? no he was very careful about his hat. Eventually he just turned his head to see what it was. A hand. "hahaha" Though Trent. "I knew it". "What are you looking at my hand for" said the hand owner. Trent turned round, he could of shot him there and then for that but his mind was on other things. "what is this on my shoulder, a hand? " and then "why is this hand on my shoulder " were the other things his mind was on, not shooting. "What do you want" said Trent. "I hear you can" The man paused. "solve problems" he said after the pause. Trent tried to think of something supercool to say like "Im not a maths teacher" or soemthing. He couldnt though because of the whole hand/shoulder thing. BANG! Trent shot the man! "I guess you won't be putting your hands on any shoulders now" said Trent. But he wasn't really happy with it.

pickarooney · 04-11-2009 7:23pm

Is this... remorse he's feeling? Don't tell me he's turning gay.

Daftendirekt · 05-11-2009 8:15pm

pickarooney wrote: »

Is this... remorse he's feeling? Don't tell me he's turning gay.

No, not Trent. Never!

He just regrets not coming up with a snappier line.

ToniTuddle · 05-11-2009 8:28pm

Well holy God. This is passing my evening very nicely:D

padraiggg · 09-11-2009 6:00pm

Trent stopped at the door to take a deep breath and also because of it was closed. Then the door opened and a woman who Trent didn't want to have sex with opened the door. BANG! Trent shot the woman! "hahaha" said Trent "anyone home?!". He quickly buried the body in the garden and went in the house. Trent could hear the cocktail party was happening in the dining room which was the room he was next to. He wanted to walk past the room but the door was open! Trent easily somersaulted over the top of the door so no-one saw him! He knew the man with the information was in the next room. Trent knocked on the door and said "room service" in his best voice. The trick worked easily and trent went into the room. "It's you! "said the man when Trent was in the room "I'll give you the information Trent just dont kill me" he said. BANG! Trent shot the man! He didnt have time for games. Then he found the information in the room. Just then the people from the party came into the study and saw trent and the man and trents gun and the information in trents hands and the other things in the room, books mostly, there was a bin in the corner. "can i see your invitation" said one of the men. This was a silly thing to say firstly Trent obviasly didnt have an invitation, secondly he wouldnt of gone to that party and thirdly it made Trent say "yes heres my invitation" and kill them all with his gun.

weiming · 10-11-2009 3:08pm

So I started reading this thread when only the first bit had been posted and　I was like "wtf..." Then when I came back today it was 3 pages long and I was like "wtf...?!"

But then I read all three pages and I was laughing out loud. It's like Dirk Gently meets James Bond meets Dr.Tran (Dr. Tran!), only more misogynistic (if you can get any more misogynistic than ol' J.B.).

My favorite bit so far is: "BANG! Trent shot the man dead! He fell on the floor like some shopping that hadn't been doubly bagged but there was heavy shopping in the bag, so the bag ripped. Trent was just like that, but no-one knew why."

Gold.

At first I thought this was slightly crazy, but now I'm convinced it is completely crazy, and brilliant! Please god keep it up.

Go Trent!

padraiggg · 10-11-2009 4:41pm

the trip

"so this is london" said Trent as he looked out the taxi window. He was looking for the ambassadors house but all he could see was heathrow airport, the statue of big ben and oxford circus, then suddenly he saw it! "stop the car!" ordered trent, the man started braking but trent didnt have time for that and opened the door out on to the m25! The taxi driver shouted for him to stop but trent had already jumped and was rolling up to the door of the ambassadors house! The ambassador knew something was wrong maybe because of the training he had got off the army or maybe because of trent was smashing his door down! Trent was going to get to the bottom of this if it killed him or more likely if he killed evryone else. The ambassador had his own gun and was pointing it at the door ready to shoot Trent but then the window smashed and that was the way Trent had come in so it was all a big surprise and he grabbed the ambassador and the ambassador dropped his gun. Trent asked him about what had happened and then killed him just then the ambassadors wife came in. You could tell she fancied trent "Your a woman.Normally i would either have sex with you or kill you" siad trent "but i'm out of bullets". She smiled and started walking towards him. CRACK! Trent broke her neck with a sickening karate chop that probably would of even killed a man or any animal you can think of, a lion easily. not an elephant lets not be silly but it was a hard chop.

Penn · 10-11-2009 5:53pm

padraiggg wrote: »

The ambassador knew something was wrong maybe because of the training he had got off the army or maybe because of trent was smashing his door down! Trent was going to get to the bottom of this if it killed him or more likely if he killed evryone else. The ambassador had his own gun and was pointing it at the door ready to shoot Trent but then the window smashed and that was the way Trent had come in so it was all a big surprise and he grabbed the ambassador and the ambassador dropped his gun. Trent asked him about what had happened and then killed him just then the ambassadors wife came in.

Just when I think you're starting to lose it....

padraiggg wrote: »

You could tell she fancied trent "Your a woman.Normally i would either have sex with you or kill you" siad trent "but i'm out of bullets". She smiled and started walking towards him. CRACK! Trent broke her neck with a sickening karate chop that probably would of even killed a man or any animal you can think of, a lion easily. not an elephant lets not be silly but it was a hard chop.

...you pull it back in an almighty fashion. Keep it up

ChillyJilly · 11-11-2009 1:40pm

padraiggg wrote: »

Just then the people from the party came into the study and saw trent and the man and trents gun and the information in trents hands and the other things in the room, books mostly, there was a bin in the corner.

Quality

weiming · 13-11-2009 4:26pm

Waiting patiently for the next exciting installment of Trent-style mayhem. Don't leave us hangin', padraiggg!

CamillaRhodes · 18-11-2009 1:55pm

Just discovered this thread - gold

Haven't really laughed out loud at something I've read online in a long time.

Last line of the last installment was wonderful

:D

padraiggg · 18-11-2009 6:17pm

The man pushed open the door to the saloon, he was looking for Trent. The Saloon was in Asia somewhere and all the men in it looked really evil some of them werent wearing shirt. Other ones had headbands on and scars they all looked like they knew karate except one who only had one leg ' probably eaten off by a tiger or exploded off by a grenade' thought the man. Then he heard it "hahaha" the last time he had heard that noise two men were dead and one woman had been had sex with. He looked through the crowd and saw Trent playing russian roulette! BANG! A man shot himself! BANG! Another man shot himself! CLICK! Trent didn;t shoot himself! "hahaha" he said "Too easy" as he collected the money and stepped over the dead bodies taking care not to have sex with any women in the room. The man gave Trent an envelope and Trent looked inside of it and found €147638 and a note he read the note it siad "KILL THE PRESIDENT". Trent crunched the note into a ball and threw it in the air BANG! Trent shot the ball of paper and the man at the same time! He looked at the man he had just shot at the same time as the ball of paper and said "Don't you know that periods of severe financial crisis require a strong socio-political base from which to resolve themselves!" Trent said but he didn;t really mean it he just wanted the money and couldnt of been bothered anyway.

JCDUB · 18-11-2009 7:22pm

Well done Padraiggggg, these are the best few pieces of creative writing I've ever read, pure fictional heaven.

Trent is the maaaaannnn!!!

Suppose it would be too much to ask for a few illustrations of equally high quality to go along with your written installments??

Bonavox · 19-11-2009 12:46am

I can see Trent becoming somewhat of a cult hero by the end of this thread

No really, gold dust . . .

padraiggg · 20-11-2009 6:04pm

JCDUB wrote: »

Well done Padraiggggg, these are the best few pieces of creative writing I've ever read, pure fictional heaven.

Trent is the maaaaannnn!!!

Suppose it would be too much to ask for a few illustrations of equally high quality to go along with your written installments??

Thank you but sorry my drawing isnt very good and i dont have mspaint on this machine! I dont think ternt would like seeing his picture all over the internet either!

Penn · 20-11-2009 10:07pm

padraiggg wrote: »

Thank you but sorry my drawing isnt very good and i dont have mspaint on this machine! I dont think ternt would like seeing his picture all over the internet either!

I dread to think what he'd do. Not even the Admins could protect us from him

Iamsparticus · 20-11-2009 11:46pm

Well I'm just gonna hang up my writing pants and snap my pen in two. cos I'm never, ever gonna think of a line as funny as...

"the last time he had heard that noise two men were dead and one woman had been had sex with"

Classic

kelator · 23-11-2009 7:13pm

padraiggg wrote: »

stepped over the dead bodies taking care not to have sex with any women in the room.

IMO the best line of fiction ever!

padraiggg · 23-11-2009 7:18pm

Trent said the password and now the man was unlocking the door. KRRR-CLICK! KRRR-CLICK! KRR-CLICK! Actually, there was four locks. KRRR-CLICK! Now the door was open and Trent walked into the secret base. He thought for a few seconds about shooting the doorman but changed his mind in case the door was locked when he wanted to go. The man looked relieved when trent stopped pressing the gun on his head. Trent walked down the corridor of the secret base and on each side there was rooms, trent looked in the rooms as he walked he could see at least 7 crimes going on but Trent was too busy to get involved or to stop the ones he didnt like. Finally, after what seemed like 30 seconds Trent got to the Bosses room. He could see the boss in the room walking around as he talked on the phone. trent waited for the perfect moment and then did a flying kick through the door and pinned the boss against the wall with it. "Room service!" shouted Trent as he flew through the air. The man's neck broke instantly as Trent got him and his face was dead but had a smile on it! It was because he owned a chain of hotels and because of what Trent said in the air!

My first go - title "The Madman?"

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