The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

rolliepoley · 30-08-2015 2:21pm

https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/11889557_10207101990769599_2349526096477583719_n.jpg?oh=26f89ec6bb8ee1d3f531a4d0859636c6&oe=563B0596

So, I was walking and I saw a "Muslim Book Store." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in. As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims?"

The clerk said, "F*ck off, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?

rolliepoley · 30-08-2015 3:36pm

After living in Shanghai for 50 years a Chinese man decides to move to Australia.

He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the

New guy to the region.

He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his

Front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt any Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.

Not wanting to interrupt another Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put an ear next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs ? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens.

The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's arse, it could just about **** on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, ' Sorry sir, you no understand.. These no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.''

What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs................

'Yes they are', replied the Chinese man, 'travel agent man say to become true blue Australian, I must learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull s**t.'

Hagar7 · 31-08-2015 12:04pm

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Must be some load of sh1te if that's the best they can do

My son and daughter went to the Embra Fest,saw around 10/11 shows in two days.
I asked them who they thought was the funniest,they both went to see comedians,and without hesitation they both replied Ed Byrne without a doubt.
So the other day I sat thru almost an hour and a half of his stuff and I waited and waited and waited for a funny story without success.
Maybe it's just me but I don't know what all the fuss is about,I,d never heard of him before and wish tae God I hadn't,I think he's awful.

Salvation Tambourine · 31-08-2015 1:02pm

The invention of the shovel is ground breaking.

Busted Flat. · 31-08-2015 1:07pm

Nokotan wrote: »

The invention of the shovel is ground breaking.

It was the pick.

blade1 · 31-08-2015 2:05pm

Nokotan wrote: »

The invention of the shovel is ground breaking.

Busted Flat. wrote: »

It was the pick.

What was the shovel so?

Earth Moving???:D

tayto lover · 31-08-2015 2:18pm

We're going to get a rake of gardening puns now.

Sunnyisland · 31-08-2015 2:19pm

BREAKING NEWS

A man who took an airline to court after his luggage went missing, has lost his case .

bonzodog2 · 31-08-2015 2:21pm

tayto lover wrote: »

We're going to get a rake of gardening puns now.

Too soon, for fork's sake. HoeHoeHoe!

tayto lover · 31-08-2015 2:23pm

bonzodog2 wrote: »

Too soon, for fork's sake. HoeHoeHoe!

Ah the mower the better.

Salvation Tambourine · 31-08-2015 2:29pm

tayto lover wrote: »

We're going to get a rake of gardening puns now.

The shear volume of them will be horrible

tayto lover · 31-08-2015 2:31pm

Nokotan wrote: »

The shear volume of them will be horrible

They could be very turf to read too.

Salvation Tambourine · 31-08-2015 2:36pm

tayto lover wrote: »

They could be very turf to read too.

Yeah.....I just scythe with disappointment to that...

tayto lover · 31-08-2015 2:40pm

Nokotan wrote: »

Yeah.....I just scythe with disappointment to that...

I felt like a bit of a tulip when i posted that.

thesandeman · 31-08-2015 3:07pm

tayto lover wrote: »

I felt like a bit of a tulip when i posted that.

Yeah, it's time you threw in the trowel.

tayto lover · 31-08-2015 3:13pm

thesandeman wrote: »

Yeah, it's time you threw in the trowel.

Yeah, it's lawn overdue.

Salvation Tambourine · 31-08-2015 3:16pm

tayto lover wrote: »

Yeah, it's lawn overdue.

Just like my dog being spade

looseliver · 31-08-2015 4:02pm

Nokotan wrote: »

Just like my dog being spade

We aught to shed ourselves of these puns.

coolhull · 31-08-2015 4:21pm

looseliver wrote: »

We aught to shed ourselves of these puns.

Or else someone will grass on us to the mods

thesandeman · 31-08-2015 4:24pm

coolhull wrote: »

Or else someone will grass on us to the mods

And then we will by turfed out of Boards.

tayto lover · 31-08-2015 4:25pm

Nokotan wrote: »

Just like my dog being spade

There'll be no seeds sown now.

blade1 · 31-08-2015 4:48pm

I nearly soiled myself reading these puns!

padjo5 · 31-08-2015 4:55pm

I thought there wasn't going to be any mower of them but thanks for reviving it Blade1

Banta · 31-08-2015 6:06pm

Wow this thread is just blossoming with puns.

... Sorry. I'll leaf now.

tayto lover · 31-08-2015 6:28pm

Banta wrote: »

Wow this thread is just blossoming with puns.

... Sorry. I'll leaf now.

You could branch out on your own.

31-08-2015 6:38pm

Puns for the educated!

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years
of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star
of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.
"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star,
makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were
avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were
destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells
bowled.

3. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one
Slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus
skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy.
The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just
goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the
sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

4 A sceptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated
that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of
constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked
him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these,
you don't need enemas."

kfallon · 31-08-2015 6:47pm

More of those dolan please

Hagar7 · 31-08-2015 6:47pm

I once sold a jumper tae Derek Acorah......he's a medium.

rizzodun · 31-08-2015 7:15pm

I was shocked to learn today I'm colourblind.
Totally out of the green...

deandean · 01-09-2015 10:20pm

To Roundup, I want to see a barrow load of those gardening puns forked out while I am still compost mentus.

Salvation Tambourine · 02-09-2015 9:38am

deandean wrote: »

To Roundup, I want to see a barrow load of those gardening puns forked out while I am still compost mentus.

We'll just have to plough on...

rizzodun · 02-09-2015 10:04am

Nokotan wrote: »

We'll just have to plough on...

Seriously lads, we need to bury these gardening puns, I'm having trouble weeding out the proper jokes here, keep it up and I'll grass ye up to the mods...

michael.dublin · 02-09-2015 12:16pm

There was man who had a terrible passion for eating baked beans, but always got an embarrassing lively reaction. One day he met the girl of his dreams and they fell in love. He thought to himself "She'll never marry me so he gave up the baked beans he loved”. A few months later, his car broke down, called the wife and told her he would be late as he had to walk home. On his way, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. He figured he could walk off any ill affects. So all the way home he 'putt to the right and putted to the left'. His wife met him at the door excited. "Darling, I have the most wonderful dinner surprise for you!" She blindfolded him, and sat at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. Feeling another fart coming on, luckily the phone rang and his wife left the room to answer the phone. Seizing the moment, he not only lets out a loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg fart. He had a hard time breathing, so he grabbed napkin and fanned the air. Unfortunately another urge came on, and 'rrriiiipppp!'. Sounded like a diesel engine at high revs, and smelled even worse. Gagging, he tried fanning his arms, hoping the rotten smell would dissipate. He heard the phone goodbyes, so he neatly folded his napkin on his lap and he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked back in. Sorry for being so long dear, she asked “Did you peeked at the dinner”. Assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock & horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party

Hagar7 · 02-09-2015 12:59pm

A Cheese roll walks into a pub and orders a pint.

Barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

Hagar7 · 02-09-2015 1:03pm

Who's the coolest guy in hospital? The Ultra sound bloke.

Who's the second coolest guy? The hip replacement bloke.

Hagar7 · 02-09-2015 1:09pm

What kind of dinosaur always had difficulty sitting down ?

The Tyranno sore ass.

Banta · 02-09-2015 1:21pm

rizzodun wrote: »

Seriously lads, we need to bury these gardening puns, I'm having trouble weeding out the proper jokes here, keep it up and I'll grass ye up to the mods...

I dunno, these puns are sort of growing on me. I had one earlier and I thought to myself, "Thistle do!" but as I began typing I reaslied, "Nah, that pun's a load of horse manure". I thought there was a rake load of puns we haven't used yet, but we're probably edging towards the end of them now, as people are probably get sickle of them at this point with the shear amount of them.

MonkieSocks · 02-09-2015 6:01pm

I woke up this morning with a piece of dried fruit stuck up my arse.

I think I've been date raped!

rolliepoley · 02-09-2015 7:54pm

MonkieSocks wrote: »

I woke up this morning with a piece of dried fruit stuck up my arse.

I think I've been date raped!

https://41.media.tumblr.com/1dec98628d32af8d9c0b4aa3faf0c8e1/tumblr_mwqkjnFGuH1s02atbo4_500.png

You were pissed and you dont remember a thing.

coolhull · 02-09-2015 10:34pm

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

Dard23 · 03-09-2015 12:07am

Guy driving along a road is distracted for a second by a hot girl walking on the sidewalk and when he looks forward he sees the car in front is braking. He slams the brakes himself but to no avail and ends up rear ending the car in front!
Nothing happens for a second until the door from the car in front opens and out jumps a dwarf with a red face and a scowl. He stamps back to the guy in the car behind who sheepishly let's down his window. The dwarf leers at the guy then at the back of his car and back to the guy again. With menace in his voice the dwarf says " I am not happy! "
" OK the guy replies calmly, so which one are you? "

03-09-2015 8:25am

Two zombies were walking through the woods one day when they came across a fresh dead body. The big zombie told the smaller one "you start at the feet and I will start at the head and we will eat our way towards each other." The little zombie agreed and they began to eat

About 30 minutes in the little zombie looked up and said "Man this is great. I'm having a ball!" To which the big zombie said "slow down your eating too fast."

King George VI · 03-09-2015 9:53am

Not sure if it's been posted here but:

What do you call a midget fortune teller that's escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

MonkieSocks · 03-09-2015 4:16pm

Alcohol free larger.

Like licking your sisters fanny.

Tastes the same, just doesn't feel right!

coolhull · 03-09-2015 11:30pm

There's rumours Apple will announce they are bringing out a new product to help dairy farmers

That's what iHerd

Hagar7 · 03-09-2015 11:48pm

Russian computer. ENTER PASSWORD

ME 'Beef Stew.'

Computer. Password not Stroganoff.

coolhull · 03-09-2015 11:50pm

Mary texts her husband Paddy on a cold winter's morning.....
''Windows frozen''
Paddy texts reply: ....
''Pour some lukewarm water on it and wipe it dry''

A few minutes later Mary texts him back..

''Computer totally fcuked now''

Hagar7 · 03-09-2015 11:52pm

Dard23 wrote: »

Guy driving along a road is distracted for a second by a hot girl walking on the sidewalk and when he looks forward he sees the car in front is braking. He slams the brakes himself but to no avail and ends up rear ending the car in front!
Nothing happens for a second until the door from the car in front opens and out jumps a dwarf with a red face and a scowl. He stamps back to the guy in the car behind who sheepishly let's down his window. The dwarf leers at the guy then at the back of his car and back to the guy again. With menace in his voice the dwarf says " I am not happy! "
" OK the guy replies calmly, so which one are you? "

I once knew a girl who told me she was hot,I threw a pail of water over her,she wasn't very happy with me.

Salvation Tambourine · 04-09-2015 8:56am

Where do the makers of Polos get most of their stock...

At the wholesalers!

Salvation Tambourine · 04-09-2015 8:57am

Where do the makers of Polos get most of their stock...

At the wholesalers!

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Comments