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An example of my writing

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  • 11-07-2014 7:12pm
    #1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 67 ✭✭


    nCamping Chaos (The Tent Collapse)
    Part I: Andrea's Plan:
    There was once a school teacher by the name of Andrea O'Brien. She taught school at secondary level and was generally regarded as being an excellent teacher who really knew her stuff. Her subject was science; more specifically chemistry. She was an extremely pretty woman with long curly dark-hair and blue eyes. She nearly always wore the same outfit; a long black gypsy skirt with pink and white strips, white blouse and black coat. Under her skirt she usually wore a very sexy pair of French knickers. She was also quite petite being around five-foot sevem in height. Because she was such a great teacher, she was very popular with a lot of her students. In particular with a group of four girls; Julie, Emma, Eva and Sonia.
    They all absolutely loved and admired her.
    However, what they didn't know was that also a magical witch. She was fairly good at spell-casting but sometimes these spells unexpectedly went wrong, resulting in a couple of fairly hillarious incidents. On one of these, she'd actually lost her skirt during one of her classes. The whole class had errupted in absolute hysterics at this and it had taken some time for things to settle down again. Julie, Emma, Eva and Sonia had been among the worst gigglers at this. They were generally the worst mischief-makers in the class This incident had casued a great deal of embarrassement to Miss O'Brien. She was also a fairly sensitive person and had been easily hurt and humiliated by this. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't let go of the seething bitterness which she felt.
    Eventually, she came up with an idea to try and teach these four girls a lesson. Even though she never actually said it directly to them, she actually blamed these four girls for what had happened, even though they were completely innocent.
    Her idea was that she, knew that the girls all loved eating a particular breakfast cereal. They had told her about this cereal on a number of occasions and she decided that she would create her own magical breakfast cereal which these girls would absolutely not be able to resist In this way, she would then have some form of control over them and she, hoped, that she would them be able to make them behave in class.

    So, one eveing after school had finished for the day, Miss O'Brien was alone in her chemistry class. She knew that she wouldn't have long to do this as the school would be closing for the day around 5pm. As soon as she got into her classroom, she made straight for the cabinet at the back of the room. Opening it, she took three bottles out; one red, one yellow and one blue. She then left the room and headed home. After she'd had her dinner and done all the washing up, she went into her work room. She pulled out a small caldron and poured all three liquids into it. She then got some grains of corn and wheat and put them into it as well. She eventually came up with a brownish-looking mixture. She giggled rather naughtily. "Those girls have NO idea what they're in for!!" she quietly chuckled to herself. The next phase of her plan was to create a device or place that would entrap all four girls. Miss O'Brien thought about this for a moment and then came up with the perfect solution: a tent! A tent was the answer! It was small enough and would make things much easier (or so she thought at the time).

    The following day, a Friday, Miss O'Brien asked to speak with the four girls after school. They were all dressed in their dark-green school uniforms. Julie and Emma were wearing black tights while Eva and Sonia were wearing dark-green socks whyich matched the colour of their uniforms. When they met, she asked them if they had any plans for the weekend. The general message from them was that they hadn't. Miss O'Brien then suggested that maybe would they like to go on a school camping trip. The girls were all extremely interested in this so they all immediately said yes they would. So Miss O'Brien then arranged the trip for the following Wednesday afternoon, which by, coincidence, was also the last day of the school term. The girls had one more year of school to follow before they did their final exams. After she'd spoken to the girls, as she watched them go home, Miss O'Brien smile and quitely giggled to herself. She knew what the girls were in for, but what she didn't know was the fact that her idea would actually backfire (as so many of her spells sometimes did) and she herself would become entangled in the absolutely bizzare events that were to later on to occur.


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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 28 Al Monds


    It is an interesting story.
    I'm not sure of the genre or target age group.
    Generally I suspect there is an audience.
    I hope the following is constructive.
    It has a drawback which reviewers call 'all tell, no show'.
    Dialogue is an easy way to counteract this.
    I'm not sure you should tell us yet that her plan will backfire?

    Keep at it.

    Al.


  • Registered Users Posts: 998 ✭✭✭dharma200


    I'd remove the knickers bit hths


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 67 ✭✭nigelradion2


    dharma200 wrote: »
    I'd remove the knickers bit hths

    yeah. will do. Don't know what on earth I was thinking there?!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 67 ✭✭nigelradion2


    Al Monds wrote: »
    It is an interesting story.
    I'm not sure of the genre or target age group.
    Generally I suspect there is an audience.
    I hope the following is constructive.
    It has a drawback which reviewers call 'all tell, no show'.
    Dialogue is an easy way to counteract this.
    I'm not sure you should tell us yet that her plan will backfire?

    Keep at it.

    Al.

    yes thanks. I will do. yes it's probably better to show that actually happening at the appropriate time instead of just saying it. Any suggests?


  • Registered Users Posts: 28 Al Monds


    I'm only an amateur and reluctant to suggest too much.
    If you hope to learn I would suggest a writers course.
    Google for your area.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,825 ✭✭✭Timmyctc


    Its a fairly basic but decent piece. Colloquial language and subject matter would largely imply it being aimed at a younger age group.
    Personally I'd avoid using clichéd lines like

    "There once was..." etc.
    Its almost the same as starting a story with
    "Once upon a time.."
    However if that sort of children's story is what you're aiming for then you're going on the right path.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,815 ✭✭✭lulu1


    Yes would be suitable for young teens in my view. One question how would anyone know what kind of knickers anyone was wearing under a skirt but as you said best leave that bit out.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 67 ✭✭nigelradion2


    lulu1 wrote: »
    Yes would be suitable for young teens in my view. One question how would anyone know what kind of knickers anyone was wearing under a skirt but as you said best leave that bit out.

    yes I suppose that's true! As I said, I didn't really think. Must have been half-asleep or something. I suppose they wouldn't know or even care, would they? And in any case, it's neither appropriate or relevant. Will sort that out easily enough.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 67 ✭✭nigelradion2


    Here's the slightly edited version:

    Camping Chaos (The Tent Collapse)

    (Edited Version)

    Part I: Andrea's Plan:

    There was once a school teacher by the name of Andrea O'Brien. She taught school at secondary level and was generally regarded as being an excellent teacher who really knew her stuff. Her subject was science; more specifically chemistry. She was an extremely pretty woman with long curly dark-hair and blue eyes. She nearly always wore the same outfit; a long black gypsy skirt with pink and white strips, white blouse and black coat. .

    She was also quite petite being around five-foot sevem in height. Because she was such a great teacher, she was very popular with a lot of her students. In particular with a group of four girls; Julie, Emma, Eva and Sonia.

    They all absolutely loved and admired her.

    However, what they didn't know was that also a magical witch. She was fairly good at spell-casting but sometimes these spells unexpectedly went wrong, resulting in a couple of fairly hillarious incidents. On one of these, she'd actually lost her skirt during one of her classes. The whole class had errupted in absolute hysterics at this and it had taken some time for things to settle down again. Julie, Emma, Eva and Sonia had been among the worst gigglers at this. They were generally the worst mischief-makers in the class This incident had casued a great deal of embarrassement to Miss O'Brien. She was also a fairly sensitive person and had been easily hurt and humiliated by this. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't let go of the seething bitterness which she felt.

    Eventually, she came up with an idea to try and teach these four girls a lesson. Even though she never actually said it directly to them, she actually blamed these four girls for what had happened, even though they were completely innocent.

    Her idea was that she, knew that the girls all loved eating a particular breakfast cereal. They had told her about this cereal on a number of occasions and she decided that she would create her own magical breakfast cereal which these girls would absolutely not be able to resist In this way, she would then have some form of control over them and she, hoped, that she would them be able to make them behave in class.

    So, one eveing after school had finished for the day, Miss O'Brien was alone in her chemistry class. She knew that she wouldn't have long to do this as the school would be closing for the day around 5pm. As soon as she got into her classroom, she made straight for the cabinet at the back of the room. Opening it, she took three bottles out; one red, one yellow and one blue. She then left the room and headed home. After she'd had her dinner and done all the washing up, she went into her work room. She pulled out a small caldron and poured all three liquids into it. She then got some grains of corn and wheat and put them into it as well. She eventually came up with a brownish-looking mixture. She giggled rather naughtily. "Those girls have NO idea what they're in for!!" she quietly chuckled to herself. The next phase of her plan was to create a device or place that would entrap all four girls. Miss O'Brien thought about this for a moment and then came up with the perfect solution: a tent! A tent was the answer! It was small enough and would make containment much easier (or so she thought at the time).

    The following day, a Friday, Miss O'Brien asked to speak with the four girls after school. They were all dressed in their dark-green school uniforms. When they met, she asked them if they had any plans for the weekend. The general message from them was that they hadn't. Miss O'Brien then suggested that maybe would they like to go on a school camping trip. The girls were all extremely interested in this so they all immediately said yes they would. So Miss O'Brien then arranged the trip for the following Wednesday afternoon, which by, coincidence, was also the last day of the school term. The girls had one more year of school to follow before they did their final exams. After she'd spoken to the girls, as she watched them go home, Miss O'Brien smile and quitely giggled to herself. She knew what the girls were in for, but what she didn't know was the fact that her idea would actually backfire (as so many of her spells sometimes did) and she herself would become entangled in the absolutely bizzare events that were to later on to occur.


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 35,187 Mod ✭✭✭✭pickarooney


    There was once a school teacher by the name of Andrea O'Brien. She taught school at secondary level and was generally regarded as being an excellent teacher who really knew her stuff. Her subject was science; more specifically chemistry.

    You could probably rewrite that in just three words - Andrea taught chemistry.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 67 ✭✭nigelradion2


    You could probably rewrite that in just three words - Andrea taught chemistry.

    yes indeed. perhaps best to keep it fairly simple and straightforward. I'm also thinking of perhaps cutting down on the number of students involved from four to two just to make it a little bit easier.


  • Registered Users Posts: 768 ✭✭✭WomanSkirtFan8


    yes indeed. perhaps best to keep it fairly simple and straightforward. I'm also thinking of perhaps cutting down on the number of students involved from four to two just to make it a little bit easier.

    Hi guys. Had to change my username earlier today due to a number of login problems. My new username is WomanSkirtFan8 (formally nigelradion2).


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,815 ✭✭✭lulu1


    yes indeed. perhaps best to keep it fairly simple and straightforward. I'm also thinking of perhaps cutting down on the number of students involved from four to two just to make it a little bit easier.
    WHat about Andrea O Brien was a school teacher. She taught in the local secondary school.


  • Registered Users Posts: 768 ✭✭✭WomanSkirtFan8


    lulu1 wrote: »
    WHat about Andrea O Brien was a school teacher. She taught in the local secondary school.

    yes. great suggestion actually. Am still trying to figure out the plot but am sure I will come up with something.


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 35,187 Mod ✭✭✭✭pickarooney


    If she taught in the local secondary school she was obviously a teacher...


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,175 ✭✭✭dee_mc


    Just a quick note: 5 foot 7 isn't petite, it's above average height for a woman.
    The description of her clothing makes her sound kind of like a bag lady - it sounds like you want her to be quite feminine, so perhaps she's wearing a 'floaty' white blouse or a 'fitted' white blouse? Mentioning fabrics or textures might help to give the reader more of a feel for the character. What sort of black 'coat' are we talking - an actual coat (as in outdoor wear) or a jacket?


  • Registered Users Posts: 768 ✭✭✭WomanSkirtFan8


    dee_mc wrote: »
    Just a quick note: 5 foot 7 isn't petite, it's above average height for a woman.
    The description of her clothing makes her sound kind of like a bag lady - it sounds like you want her to be quite feminine, so perhaps she's wearing a 'floaty' white blouse or a 'fitted' white blouse? Mentioning fabrics or textures might help to give the reader more of a feel for the character. What sort of black 'coat' are we talking - an actual coat (as in outdoor wear) or a jacket?

    yes the intention is to try and make Andrea as feminine as possible. A "bag lady"? Hmm? That's an interesting one.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,175 ✭✭✭dee_mc


    yes the intention is to try and make Andrea as feminine as possible. A "bag lady"? Hmm? That's an interesting one.

    Haha sorry I didn't mean that to sound insulting!! To me a gypsy skirt is a loose fitting, fairly casual garment; a blouse is a loose fitting garment often associated with an older lady, and a coat could be anything at all - it doesn't sound quite right to me.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,815 ✭✭✭lulu1


    dee_mc wrote: »
    Haha sorry I didn't mean that to sound insulting!! To me a gypsy skirt is a loose fitting, fairly casual garment; a blouse is a loose fitting garment often associated with an older lady, and a coat could be anything at all - it doesn't sound quite right to me.

    Do people still wear gypsy skirts I remember years ago I had a black one with white lace at the bottom


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,175 ✭✭✭dee_mc


    lulu1 wrote: »
    Do people still wear gypsy skirts I remember years ago I had a black one with white lace at the bottom

    I think it just means a long, loose fitting A-line skirt... I had a black chiffon one about 10 years ago, sure I was only fabulous :)


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  • Registered Users Posts: 768 ✭✭✭WomanSkirtFan8


    dee_mc wrote: »
    Haha sorry I didn't mean that to sound insulting!! To me a gypsy skirt is a loose fitting, fairly casual garment; a blouse is a loose fitting garment often associated with an older lady, and a coat could be anything at all - it doesn't sound quite right to me.

    No not at all. Firstly, she is wearing a fairly standard ordinary coat. Secondly, I chose a gypsy skirt because I simply just like the look of them. Also, they do look very feminine and I want her to look really pretty and very un-witch like. One could say that this is Andrea's own personal preference as well. It's what she feels comfortable in.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,175 ✭✭✭dee_mc


    No not at all. Firstly, she is wearing a fairly standard ordinary coat. Secondly, I chose a gypsy skirt because I simply just like the look of them. Also, they do look very feminine and I want her to look really pretty and very un-witch like. One could say that this is Andrea's own personal preference as well. It's what she feels comfortable in.

    Cool, but you need to find a way to bring that across more clearly - in my opinion it's not making the journey from your head to the page :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 768 ✭✭✭WomanSkirtFan8


    dee_mc wrote: »
    Cool, but you need to find a way to bring that across more clearly - in my opinion it's not making the journey from your head to the page :)

    Okay? how so? It might very well have been the fact that I might not have thought the thing out properly but I really don't know. Thanks for the comment by the way!


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,175 ✭✭✭dee_mc


    Okay? how so? It might very well have been the fact that I might not have thought the thing out properly but I really don't know. Thanks for the comment by the way!

    Just a bit more description - like, maybe instead of
    'She nearly always wore the same outfit; a long black gypsy skirt with pink and white strips, white blouse and black coat.'
    You could have something like
    'She nearly always wore the same outfit; a flowing black gypsy skirt with pink and white stripes, a demure white silk blouse, and a simple black blazer.'
    or
    'She nearly always wore the same outfit; a long black gypsy skirt with pink and white stripes, a crisp white shirt and a black wool coat'.

    I suppose in my opinion if you're going to describe the clothing at all, it should be with a view to helping the reader form a clearer picture of the character. So think about whether she would wear form fitting clothes, or looser fitting ones; high necklines or slightly flirty ones; a cashmere coat, or a polyblend one she picked up in the sales in Penneys! Oh and shoes are important too :P


  • Registered Users Posts: 768 ✭✭✭WomanSkirtFan8


    dee_mc wrote: »
    Just a bit more description - like, maybe instead of
    'She nearly always wore the same outfit; a long black gypsy skirt with pink and white strips, white blouse and black coat.'
    You could have something like
    'She nearly always wore the same outfit; a flowing black gypsy skirt with pink and white stripes, a demure white silk blouse, and a simple black blazer.'
    or
    'She nearly always wore the same outfit; a long black gypsy skirt with pink and white stripes, a crisp white shirt and a black wool coat'.

    I suppose in my opinion if you're going to describe the clothing at all, it should be with a view to helping the reader form a clearer picture of the character. So think about whether she would wear form fitting clothes, or looser fitting ones; high necklines or slightly flirty ones; a cashmere coat, or a polyblend one she picked up in the sales in Penneys! Oh and shoes are important too :P


    Okay thanks. I obviously need to work on my sense of exposition and description!


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,175 ✭✭✭dee_mc


    Okay thanks. I obviously need to work on my sense of exposition and description!

    Well I'm no expert, hope it helps though!


  • Registered Users Posts: 768 ✭✭✭WomanSkirtFan8


    dee_mc wrote: »
    Well I'm no expert, hope it helps though!

    yes thanks. it certainly has. in fact, it's been hugely helpful in pointing out the direction to go as far as character description is concerned.


  • Registered Users Posts: 768 ✭✭✭WomanSkirtFan8


    yes thanks. it certainly has. in fact, it's been hugely helpful in pointing out the direction to go as far as character description is concerned.

    Here is a revised description of Andrea and what she is wearing:

    Black Crepe Tailored Jacket
    Crisp White Shirt / Blouse
    Long Flowing Ankle-length Black Gypsy Skirt with pink and white stripes just above the hemline.
    A Slightly tight-fitting and sometimes, uncomfortable belt.
    Black knee-length silk tights
    A pair of calf-length legroom boots.

    She also wears a white hairband in her hair. In terms of her height she is around 5ft 6.

    Hope that makes it a bit clearer.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,175 ✭✭✭dee_mc


    Here is a revised description of Andrea and what she is wearing:

    Black Crepe Tailored Jacket
    Crisp White Shirt / Blouse
    Long Flowing Ankle-length Black Gypsy Skirt with pink and white stripes just above the hemline.
    A Slightly tight-fitting and sometimes, uncomfortable belt.
    Black knee-length silk tights
    A pair of calf-length legroom boots.

    She also wears a white hairband in her hair. In terms of her height she is around 5ft 6.

    Hope that makes it a bit clearer.
    Cool :)
    (I don't understand what the bits I put in bold mean)


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  • Registered Users Posts: 768 ✭✭✭WomanSkirtFan8


    dee_mc wrote: »
    Cool :)
    (I don't understand what the bits I put in bold mean)

    Okay I think I can see where I went wrong.

    Black Crepe Tailored Jacket
    Crisp White Shirt / Blouse
    Long Flowing Ankle-length Black Gypsy Skirt with pink and white stripes.
    A Slightly tight-fitting belt.
    A pair of wool socks.
    A pair of knee-length black boots.

    The thing about her clothes is that she and her students all eventually burst out of their clothes together (Reason as yet not quite figure out) and the tent collapses.


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