The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Banjo String · 18-08-2014 10:26am

Paddy was over in London labouring on the sites, first wages in his pocket, he headed off to a brothel.

The madam in the brothel asked him "what kind of woman are you looking for paddy"?

Paddy said he wanted to see the biggest, fattest, blackest woman in the place.

Madam sends him up to a room to see big Bessie. 23stone and straight from Senegal.

In the room, Bessie asks Paddy "what you want me to do"?

First things first says paddy, get naked.

Bessie strips. " ok, what now " she asks?

Lift your left leg up in the air, says paddy. So Bessie hauls her leg high up in the air, paddy gets down on his knee and has a good look.

OK, now lift your right leg in the air he says.

Bessie does as she's asked, paddy gets down on a knee again and has a good look.

OK, says paddy. Thanks. You can get dressed now.

"dressed? " says Bessie. You no want to have sex with me

Ah no you're grand says paddy. I just got a black leather suite of furniture, and I wanted to see what it would look like with pink cushions on it.

Buona Fortuna · 18-08-2014 10:37am

Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman go into a bar and

the barman says

"What's this a joke?

sparkthatbled · 18-08-2014 10:47am

A man is in the VIP departures lounge in an airport for a big meeting with a potential client that will make or break his small company. While he waits, he notices Bill Gates across the room and decides to approach him. He explains that he has this big meeting and it would be amazing if, during the meeting, Bill were to come over and say hello to impress the client. Bill says no problem, he's happy to help because he knows what it's like trying to get started.

So the client arrives and sure enough, after a few minutes conversation Bill Gates walks over and says "Hi John, how are things? How's the family?" to which John replies "Ah, f*ck off, Gates, I'm in a meeting!"

Frigating · 19-08-2014 3:54pm

A guy looks in on his son as the kid's saying his prayers. The son goes "God bless mammy and daddy and granny. Bye bye grandad". The man is seriously confused as the child's grandad was alive and well in an old folks home, but he ignores it and goes to bed.

When he comes home from work the next day, he finds his wife in tears. Asking her what's wrong she replies "I just got off the phone. My dad's died!" The man decides to look in on his son again that night, and sure enough the kid says "God bless mammy and daddy. Bye bye granny". The man braces himself, but never liked his mother-in-law much anyway, and doesn't bother to warn her.

And of course, the very next day, he finds his wife bawling her eyes out over her mother's death. The man is intrigued now, wondering what will happen next, whether he should get his child to guess the lottery numbers. As he's heading to bed however, he stops in front of his son's door, and hears "God bless mammy. Bye bye daddy".

The man is absolutely terrified now. He doesn't sleep, but stays up all night holding a baseball bat lest a burglar comes in. The next day he dresses slowly and carefully, double checking his shoes are tied and his tie won't choke him. He doesn't eat anything, throws out the coffee (for fear of poison) and makes a fresh batch, all the time checking the milk hasn't expired and the coffee doesn't have dead mice in. He drives incredibly slowly, ignoring the horns around him, and keeps his head below the window to avoid snipers. Deciding to take the day off instead. As he returns home he finds an ambulance parked outside his house, with the paramedics loading a body in. Fearing the worst, he makes his way inside, and comes face to face with his wife. "You'll never believe what happened today" she said, "I thought I heard a knock on the door, so I opened it, and the milkman fell dead on top of me!"

Capt'n Midnight · 20-08-2014 12:21am

Jay Fullmer, 38, last month became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony.

"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he like, pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".

Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.

Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future.

"I'm, like, using it all the time" he said.

"Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said 'Hey, great weather!'"

DJ90 · 20-08-2014 1:13am

While his wife is upstairs in bed, paddy joins a late night chat line. A naked woman is on the tv screen and says to paddy in a flirty voice "so what would you like me to do". Paddy then replies "do you see that couch that you are on". "What would you like me to do on it" says the woman. "well would you ever hide behind it" , whispers Paddy, " I can hear my wife coming down the stairs and I can't find the remote" !!!

foxy farmer · 20-08-2014 3:08pm

A man is out driving one day when suddenly he almost loses control of the car. He brakes hard and manages to stop the car without crashing. When he gets out he discovers the front wheel has come off. The four wheel nuts had worked loose and come off. Wondering what he's going to do next he notices he's stopped outside a mental hospital. A patient comes up to the fence and starts to talk to the man. The man explains what happened but says that the four nuts are lost and can't refit the wheel as a result.
Rubbish replies the mental patient. Just take one but off each of the other three wheels jack up the car and refit the front wheel with the nuts.
Jesus I'd never have thought of that. You're a genius. You shouldn't be in a mental home at all.
Well the patient replies I might be mad but I'm not stupid.

Bigus · 21-08-2014 7:25pm

foxy farmer wrote: »

A man is out driving one day when suddenly he almost loses control of the car. He brakes hard and manages to stop the car without crashing. When he gets out he discovers the front wheel has come off. The four wheel nuts had worked loose and come off. Wondering what he's going to do next he notices he's stopped outside a mental hospital. A patient comes up to the fence and starts to talk to the man. The man explains what happened but says that the four nuts are lost and can't refit the wheel as a result.
Rubbish replies the mental patient. Just take one but off each of the other three wheels jack up the car and refit the front wheel with the nuts.
Jesus I'd never have thought of that. You're a genius. You shouldn't be in a mental home at all.
Well the patient replies I might be mad but I'm not stupid.

Same thing happened but this fella, who had lost the wheel nuts in the arseh0le of the country, he was scratching his head when he heard a voice say
"take one from the other three wheels and it'll be safe enough til you get to the garage in the next town"
He looked over his shoulder to see who said this,and he could see nobody around except a white horse !
He thought he was hearing things but the voice came again
"take one nut from the other three wheels til you get to the garage in the next town"

He looked around again , but the only thing he could see was a white horse, anyway having heard it the second time he took the mysterious advice, which of course worked.

When he arrived at the garage in the next town ,he was explaining the extraordinary story to the mechanic , about the voice seemingly coming from nowhere .

The mechanic interrogated him further but he was adamant that there was nobody there !

are ye sure there was not a living thing to be seen at all ? Asked the mechanic .

Well there was a Horse admitted the man embarrassingly .

Was he a white horse inquired the mechanic ?

Excitedly the man said yes , relieved that , After all, maybe he wasn't hearing things and his mind playing tricks on him.

Jazsus, said the mechanic you're fierce lucky !

Why said the driver ? Too hear a horse speak ?

No no he said there's normally a brown horse in that field if he was there you would have been fûcked,and he wouldn't have helped you.

Why says the driver , can the brown horse not speak ?

No it's not that ,

that the brown horse knows fûck all about cars !

Capt'n Midnight · 21-08-2014 11:35pm

This bloke keeps phoning me up and asking for Prince Charming. Every single time I tell him there is no one here by that name but he's adamant.

rolliepoley · 21-08-2014 11:56pm

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into
the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman
liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini
that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts.
He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as
possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand
it no more. He walked to the front door of the new neighbor's
house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man,
opened the door.
"Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing
how beautiful your wife is."
"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her
breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I
could kiss those breasts."
The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife
appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss
the offer for a few moments.
Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.
"OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you
can kiss my wife's tits."
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects
of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand,
and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy.
This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.
"Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.
"I can't." replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.
"I don't have ten thousand dollars!"

FanadMan · 22-08-2014 2:44am

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

This bloke keeps phoning me up and asking for Prince Charming. Every single time I tell him there is no one here by that name but he's adamant.

Ridicule is nothing to be scared of

:P

chughes · 22-08-2014 8:35am

FanadMan wrote: »

Ridicule is nothing to be scared of

:P

Sir, I tip my hat to you for being able to stand and deliver such a great Adam Ant pun....

Buona Fortuna · 22-08-2014 9:49am

A hotshot Dublin lawyer is out for the day in the country with his lawyer mates.

They stop the car and decide to play Frisbee.

All is going well until the Frisbee sails over the adjoining hedge.

The lawyer starts climbing the hedge until an old farmer sticks his head up and says "You ain't going on my land no way."
The lawyer replies that he is entitled to recover his property, but the farmer is having none of it.
The lawyer explains that he is the top litigater in Dublin and that he will sue the farmer and probably win his house and land unless he is allowed to recover his property.

The farmer replies "Well around here we settle things with the one quick rule. Its quicker and cheaper."
"How does that work?" asks the lawyer.
"Well I kick you and then you kick me and who ever gives in first wins."
"OK" says the lawyer "We'll do that."

The farmer is surprisingly fit for his age and the lawyer notices he has got really big boots on. He's feeling sligtly nervous as he looks down at his own trainers, but he can't back down in front of his mates.

The farmer goes back 20 paces. He takes a quick run and lands his right boot square onto the lawyers testicles. The lawyer sees stars. He feels sick. He falls to his knees and its several minutes before he can speak.

The lawyer struggles to his feet. He's red in the face "Right, my turn."

"Nah" says them farmer "You win, you can get your Frisbee"

22-08-2014 8:34pm

UP & DOWN SEX

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,' Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fúck or drown...

Capt'n Midnight · 22-08-2014 11:07pm

I've managed to lose over a stone on the Adam Ant diet.

It's really very easy: Don't chew ever, don't chew ever.

wp_rathead · 23-08-2014 1:32pm

A banker, an immigrant and a Daily Mail reader are sitting round a table. Someone brings in a tray of twelve biscuits. The banker grabs 11, turns to the Daily Mail reader and says "Watch out mate, he'll be taking your one in a minute"

Buona Fortuna · 25-08-2014 11:37am

Ponso, an old retired sailor,
puts on his old uniform
and heads for the docks once more,
for old times sake and some hot sex.

He engages a lovely prostitute
and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,
but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies,
'Well Ponso, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'

She says,
'You're knot hard, you're knot in,
and you're knot getting your money back.'

foxy farmer · 26-08-2014 12:30am

What's the difference between pink and purple?
The woman's grip!

Joemcn95 · 26-08-2014 2:20am

I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.
He said, "Grandson... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

rolliepoley · 28-08-2014 12:25am

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

Hermy · 28-08-2014 8:50am

I got a job as a postman - on the first day they gave me the sack!

byrner88 · 28-08-2014 6:53pm

I was in London today and jumped into a black cab. I said, "Waterloo, mate."

He said, "The station?"

"Well, I'm a bit late for the battle."

29-08-2014 7:29pm

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side 'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on . When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large... 'I told her, 'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. 'Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.

'Exactly,' replied Jack. 'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.'

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. 'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. 'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack.

'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you don't change your bloody attitude, you never will.'

edgecutter · 29-08-2014 7:55pm

I'll never forget what my Granddad said to me on his death bed.

"What are you doing with that pillow?"

Busted Flat. · 29-08-2014 8:05pm

edgecutter wrote: »

I'll never forget what my Granddad said to me on his death bed.

"What are you doing with that pillow?"

Probably posted before, Grandad on his death bed with all his fighting family around him "Cough splutter the money is in the cough splutttteer"

Ps short version.

Mariasofia · 29-08-2014 8:09pm

A married couple were at a school reunion when the wife nudges her husband and says "see that fella over there, I heard he took to the drink 20 years ago when I broke up with him and he hasnt stopped since"

He replies "jaysus didnt think anyone could celebrate for that long"

crazygeryy · 29-08-2014 8:41pm

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will be on their backs waving their legs in the air.

The Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls into bed wrecked..

The next morning, hes so tired he cannot even get out of bed to look at the sheep. He nudges his wife and says" look out the window are those sheep on their backs, legs waving in the air?. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck beeping the horn!

Sunnyisland · 30-08-2014 8:18am

My sister in law was going into town on the rip last night. I couldnt help notice her fake nails, false tan, fake hand bag, false eye lashes, fake boobs, false hair, fake jewellery. I said to her "you must be going out to get a fella." she replied "sure there's no 'Real Men' left in this town."

Long Gone · 31-08-2014 5:25am

" Fat Penguin "

I just thought I'd say something to break the ice......

31-08-2014 11:34am

A youngster was desperate, had no other place and was screwing his girl on a railway track.

The driver of the approaching train starts hooting from a distance but the couple ignore it.

He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few inches away from the couple.

He jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who has just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants.

The driver yells, "Do you realize that if I had not seen you, this would have been your last fúck?!!!"

Boy,"Listen dude, you were coming... She was coming.... and I was coming.... then I realised ....only you have brakes !!

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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