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etiquette of visiters in someone elses home

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  • 16-02-2016 11:37am
    #1
    handlemaster
    Registered Users Posts: 6,003 ✭✭✭


    Just Wondered what the etiquette with whole staying in someone elses home. Situation the other half had her friend , husband and three kids stay for 6 days. We bought / provided breakfast lunch and dinner. They bought some stuff yogurts for their kids and also eat ours . No offer to cook or provide dinner etc were made by them. I think its been tight not the way to go but wanted to know others opinions.

    P.s. We slept on the couch so they could have our bed also


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    #2
    sbsquarepants
    Registered Users Posts: 11,812 ✭✭✭✭sbsquarepants


    They were guests in your house and you want them to feed you?
    You may not be all that great a host!


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    #3
    kieran.
    Registered Users Posts: 1,174 ✭✭✭kieran.


    You invited them in as guests and they seem to have been treated as guests, it all seems above board to me.

    What were you expecting? :cool:


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    #4
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    So you put someone up for 6 days in your bed while you slept on a couch and they ate all your food and didn't contribute a penny?

    Are you on Air BnB?


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    #5
    andekwarhola
    Registered Users Posts: 4,638 ✭✭✭andekwarhola


    You should have presented them with an itemized bill.


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    #6
    SAMTALK
    Registered Users Posts: 2,320 ✭✭✭SAMTALK


    Well to be fair to OP it would have been a nice gesture if they had taken hosts out for a meal or treated everybody to a take away .
    They had nearly a weeks holiday with no expense as such so a token gesture would have been nice.


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    #7
    seamus
    Registered Users Posts: 68,317 ✭✭✭✭seamus


    You gave them your bed? You're a bigger eejit.

    Really it depends on the context. If you're doing it as a favour (e.g. they're getting work done on their house), then they should be bending over backwards to ensure they disrupt you as little as possible.
    If you invited them over to stay, then they're your guests and you asked for it, so I guess providing food and making them comfortable is what you wanted.

    Though good manners would dictate that they buy some of the food and make at least some of the meals. On that though, cooking for someone else, in their house, can be a bit weird. Paying for a takeaway or something would make more sense.


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    #8
    Knex*
    Registered Users Posts: 22,477 ✭✭✭✭Knex*


    sbsquarepants wrote: »
    They were guests in your house and you want them to feed you?
    You may not be all that great a host!

    I never understand this type of logic.

    Its not an easy thing to do, nor should it be taken for granted, for people to put you up in their home for 6 days, let alone when you include a partner and three kids.

    Whenever I stay with mates that I know from college, even if only for a weekend, I'll buy the dinner or the drinks for at least one of the days.

    I find it pretty obnoxious to take over a house for 6 days and not at least offer to totally take care of dinner one evening, or at least show your appreciation in some way.

    Good actions should not be taken for granted, no matter your relationship to the person.

    Edit: Just seeing you gave them your bed too. Jesus. I'd be mortified to do that to anyone. Unless it was a space issue whereby the three kids were squeezed into the bed with them?


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    #9
    handlemaster
    Registered Users Posts: 6,003 ✭✭✭handlemaster


    sbsquarepants wrote: »
    They were guests in your house and you want them to feed you?
    You may not be all that great a host!

    That wasnt what I said. They basically decided to come for a holiday. We paid for everything for them and their kids with not even a offer to cook any evening etc I think its not been fair. It wasnt a one night stop. So we provided for 5 people.


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    #10
    draiochtanois
    Registered Users Posts: 2,655 ✭✭✭draiochtanois


    This post has been deleted.


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    #11
    whiskeyman
    Registered Users Posts: 12,564 ✭✭✭✭whiskeyman


    Are they on holidays or why are they staying?
    If it's their holidays, I'd expect something in return... perhaps being brought out for dinner on the last day at very least.
    would you expect the favour to be returned?
    If you're helping them out, I guess you can really only expect a token gesture, if at all, as you did say yes to them staying.


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    #12
    josip
    Registered Users Posts: 13,704 ✭✭✭✭josip


    As hosts you shouldn't expect anything and do it graciously.
    However, if the guests don't show any gratitude, then I wouldn't invite them back or send them a Christmas card.
    If they were genuinely hard up and were glad of a cheap holiday, that would be different.


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    #13
    handlemaster
    Registered Users Posts: 6,003 ✭✭✭handlemaster


    SAMTALK wrote: »
    Well to be fair to OP it would have been a nice gesture if they had taken hosts out for a meal or treated everybody to a take away .
    They had nearly a weeks holiday with no expense as such so a token gesture would have been nice.


    Thats exactly what im saying. I Didnt expect them to pay for everything.. not at all


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    #14
    Oranage2
    Registered Users Posts: 11,128 ✭✭✭✭Oranage2


    They should probably offer cash or to cook or what not, in which you most likely will refuse.

    guest etiquette is very tricky and havingg long term guests never work out unless very close family or friends, that's why I never have any!


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    #15
    handlemaster
    Registered Users Posts: 6,003 ✭✭✭handlemaster


    whiskeyman wrote: »
    Are they on holidays or why are they staying?
    If it's their holidays, I'd expect something in return... perhaps being brought out for dinner on the last day at very least.
    would you expect the favour to be returned?
    If you're helping them out, I guess you can really only expect a token gesture, if at all, as you did say yes to them staying.


    On holidays..


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    #16
    bear1
    Registered Users Posts: 12,812 ✭✭✭✭bear1


    seamus wrote: »
    You gave them your bed? You're a bigger eejit.

    Really it depends on the context. If you're doing it as a favour (e.g. they're getting work done on their house), then they should be bending over backwards to ensure they disrupt you as little as possible.
    If you invited them over to stay, then they're your guests and you asked for it, so I guess providing food and making them comfortable is what you wanted.

    Though good manners would dictate that they buy some of the food and make at least some of the meals. On that though, cooking for someone else, in their house, can be a bit weird. Paying for a takeaway or something would make more sense.

    No need to insult the OP.
    The rest of your post is valid though and tbh I don't think the guests took any advantage.
    You invited them into your home and subsequently gave them your own bed, I wouldn't have.
    If you didn't have enough space or if it wasn't very comfortable then maybe 6 days was excessive.
    Should the guests have cooked you food? I don't think so and I'd find it awkward if I saw them in my kitchen making me food while I just sit and watch.
    Think of it this way OP, your friends invite you to their house for a week and give you their bed and cook for you. Would you stop them? Would you start cooking for them? I think you possibly would have offered at the least a night out in a restaurant but you wouldn't for 6 days straight cook for your friends who invited you there.


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    #17
    handlemaster
    Registered Users Posts: 6,003 ✭✭✭handlemaster


    josip wrote: »
    As hosts you shouldn't expect anything and do it graciously.
    However, if the guests don't show any gratitude, then I wouldn't invite them back or send them a Christmas card.
    If they were genuinely hard up and were glad of a cheap holiday, that would be different.

    Let's just say we had the ... I get paid so well come out a few times which made it all the more strange.


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    #18
    osarusan
    Registered Users Posts: 16,577 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    It depends on the context, but most of the time it's on the host to look after the guests.

    As somebody else said, they could have done a bit more to show some appreciation, like paying for a meal, splitting some of the shopping costs, a voucher for you and your partner to go out some time in the future, stuff like that.

    I think it's as much the indication that they realise they're imposing on you and make some gesture to recognise that, as it is the gesture itself.


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    #19
    handlemaster
    Registered Users Posts: 6,003 ✭✭✭handlemaster


    kieran. wrote: »
    You invited them in as guests and they seem to have been treated as guests, it all seems above board to me.

    What were you expecting? :cool:

    If you asked a friend if they wanted to go to the pub would you pay for them and their family for six days with nothing in return as in some gesture?


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    #20
    Oranage2
    Registered Users Posts: 11,128 ✭✭✭✭Oranage2


    I would love to know what type of relationship the op had with the guests. It takes a special type of somebody to bring his family and holiday in somebody else's home for nearly a week.


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    #21
    razorblunt
    Registered Users Posts: 17,300 ✭✭✭✭razorblunt


    handlemaster wrote: »

    P.s. We slept on the couch so they could have our bed also

    I don't understand why you'd do this?
    I'd make exceptions for our folks if they were staying and needed a bed for whatever reason.

    More than happy to have folk stay but under no condition am I giving away the bed for their comfort.
    Luckily I've never had to deal with the food situation, we only usually get weekenders staying and in fairness they always buy a meal on one of the days as a "thank you".
    I'd think I'd lose the head at someone eating all round them and not replacing or contributing to the cost.


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    #22
    handlemaster
    Registered Users Posts: 6,003 ✭✭✭handlemaster


    bear1 wrote: »
    No need to insult the OP.
    The rest of your post is valid though and tbh I don't think the guests took any advantage.
    You invited them into your home and subsequently gave them your own bed, I wouldn't have.
    If you didn't have enough space or if it wasn't very comfortable then maybe 6 days was excessive.
    Should the guests have cooked you food? I don't think so and I'd find it awkward if I saw them in my kitchen making me food while I just sit and watch.
    Think of it this way OP, your friends invite you to their house for a week and give you their bed and cook for you. Would you stop them? Would you start cooking for them? I think you possibly would have offered at the least a night out in a restaurant but you wouldn't for 6 days straight cook for your friends who invited you there.

    Have stay one night before . Brough desert etc.... next morning. Nothing offered only à cup of tea.


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    #23
    Toots
    Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,908 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Toots


    Did you invite them or did they ask could they stay?

    If you invited them, I could see how they may not think to offer to buy food/drink etc (although if it was me I'd still offer)

    If they asked could they stay then they absolutely should have been giving a dig out with the meals.


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    #24
    whiskeyman
    Registered Users Posts: 12,564 ✭✭✭✭whiskeyman


    Oranage2 wrote: »
    I would love to know what type of relationship the op had with the guests. It takes a special type of somebody to bring his family and holiday in somebody else's home for nearly a week.

    I get the feeling you don't like this visiting family OP?
    If you did... you probably wouldn't even be posting here as you'd enjoy their company and 'oversee' any stinginess.
    However, you probably don't like them and the fact they never made an offer to help / pay / show any appreciation has made things worse...
    I think your OH got the say to invite them in! Would I be right?


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    #25
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users Posts: 15,381 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    handlemaster wrote: »
    That wasnt what I said. They basically decided to come for a holiday. We paid for everything for them and their kids with not even a offer to cook any evening etc I think its not been fair. It wasnt a one night stop. So we provided for 5 people.

    So did they invite themselves to your house rather than you invite them?
    handlemaster wrote: »
    Let's just say we had the ... I get paid so well come out a few times which made it all the more strange.

    Commenting on how much you earn?

    Sounds like they took you for a ride, free holiday for them and you paid for it.


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    #26
    bear1
    Registered Users Posts: 12,812 ✭✭✭✭bear1


    handlemaster wrote: »
    Have stay one night before . Brough desert etc.... next morning. Nothing offered only à cup of tea.

    This doesn't sound like a healthy sort of relationship, these types of offers are done in order to be with the people you enjoy being with and should be seen as selfless acts.
    If you or the other party are expecting things in return it defeats the whole purpose.
    I have never had this issue so I can't delve too far into it but it sounds like maybe you should both not do this for a while as there will always be something that you didn't like.


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    #27
    handlemaster
    Registered Users Posts: 6,003 ✭✭✭handlemaster


    Toots wrote: »
    Did you invite them or did they ask could they stay?

    If you invited them, I could see how they may not think to offer to buy food/drink etc (although if it was me I'd still offer)

    If they asked could they stay then they absolutely should have been giving a dig out with the meals.

    It was a bit like you should come over sometime. So they were invited. Not looking for my esb bill to be paid just a recognition that it's not all free. Thats what I.would do..


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    #28
    Badly Drunk Boy
    Registered Users Posts: 6,497 ✭✭✭Badly Drunk Boy


    handlemaster wrote: »
    That wasnt what I said. They basically decided to come for a holiday. We paid for everything for them and their kids with not even a offer to cook any evening etc I think its not been fair. It wasnt a one night stop. So we provided for 5 people.

    So they invited themselves to stay? Why would they believe this was acceptable? If they did, they should be paying their way, at least partly.
    handlemaster wrote: »
    Let's just say we had the ... I get paid so well come out a few times which made it all the more strange.

    I'm still trying to decipher this. They are all perfectly good words but it seems that some are missing...


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    #29
    handlemaster
    Registered Users Posts: 6,003 ✭✭✭handlemaster


    rainbowtrout wrote: »
    So did they invite themselves to your house rather than you invite them?



    Commenting on how much you earn?

    Sounds like they took you for a ride, free holiday for them and you paid for it.


    No they were talking about themselves as in they get very well paid.... LOL they know im on the bread line


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    #30
    bear1
    Registered Users Posts: 12,812 ✭✭✭✭bear1


    Ok now I'm confused.
    Did the family visiting invite themselves or did you casually throw it out there that they should visit and subsequently they dropped by for 6 days?
    You must have agreed to this beforehand?


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    #31
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users Posts: 15,381 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    handlemaster wrote: »
    No they were talking about themselves as in they get very well paid.... LOL they know im on the bread line

    Well that's even worse. If they can well afford accommodation and you can't they shouldn't be expecting you to foot the cost of keeping a family of 5 for a week.


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