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Sex stopped? At my age? For the rest of my life?
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02-11-2015 8:56am#1Myself and my wife don't really get on in general - but in recent months things have been ok - not good, but certainly ok - & I took this as a sign that things are on the mend.
Now sex is just still out of the question. After being turned away 8 times over 4 months I just wanted to talk about it - no pressure just talk. First/second/third attempt to get this dialogue going was shot down - sometimes in temper - other times just finding excuses 'lets talk tomorrow' etc.
Finally we went to bed together - I brought her up a cuppa and got the conversation going. Nothing heated - just she was quite defensive - but in summary she just really doesn't want sex again. She's not bothered, has no interest in it & doesn't see it as a problem - but to me this is a massive problem.
I don't try any more - so I don't get rejected - and in a way we get on a bit better. She's not under pressure, and I'm not turned down.
We are getting on OK, but I mean as partners bringing up kids - not really as what I'd expect a man & wife to be. I think the fact that I stopped trying to initiate sex has helped us get on better GREEEEEATTT
I've been to counselling (about our relationship in general - not about this current sex problem) - it's fairly predictable now - make her feel special, buy her flowers, make a date night, have her favourite dinner ready for her, do more housework etc - she certainly liked the flowers and dinner - but doesn't want a date night - would prefer some 'me time' to herself at the weekend rather than doing something together. (In one instance last week this changed - we did a coulpe of things together & a couple of things apart and everyhting was fine. It surprised me as this is maye the 5th or 6th time in 8-9 years that this happened).
So these are really things that just make me down in the dumps - they are trivial compared to some other cases I read here. To be honest I can't get it off my mind. I feel like I have just accepted defeat - she has everything she wants, I have to accept that a non sexual relationship is beter than one where I am in a flat supporting 2 houses, broke & seeing the kids 1-2 times a week.
But would you end it for the sake of lack if sex? It seems as though lack of sex is quite common reading elsewhere here.
Got a great house, job, wonderful kids and a good mother - I feel like such an asshole thinking of separating, (me going to an apartment, developing arguments about maintenance, kids hearts being broken, both of us being broke, her own great lifestyle of painting classes and yoga while kids are in school - all down the drain) and it could probably all be avoided in my mind with sex once a week or fortnight.
I really think if we focussed on it and tried once or twice a fortnight we'd enjoy it together and maybe start enjoying each other's company as a result. However my desire isn't matched by hers and so she doesn't see a problem that needs fixing.2
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- it's fairly predictable now - make her feel special, buy her flowers, make a date night, have her favourite dinner ready for her, do more housework etc -
Which of course is all bullsh1t. These things will solve the problem of you guys fighting, but doesn't exactly make you sexually appealing to her, does it? Be an emasculinated housemate to her? Nah.
Go be yourself for a while. Improve yourself; go get yourself doing some sport, or gym time. I bet you haven't gone and bought some decent clothes for yourself in a while either, have you? Get out of that house more often and make yourself happy. See if that helps.0 -
You don't say what age you are or how old the children are?
Your wife has been honest and said that for her that's it-end of sex life.But you haven't been given a choice at all here.
Have you told her that for you, it's a different story.That your desires haven't disappeared. Have you asked her what you're supposed to do for the coming years?
Personally speaking, I'd hate to think that my sex life was over without my wanting it over, if you get what I'm saying -you haven't a choice here at all.
I was in pub a few years ago and one of the lads was telling a joke.Something about being sex starved. And one by one every one of the group of 7(late 30s to early 50s) admitted that they had no sex life at home and it was frustrating.
Meanwhile, at another table,all the wives were deliriously laughing and happy -to an onlooker these were 7 happily married couples but the men were frustrated!
Finally - your children will grow up and move out and it'll just be you and her. Is there a chance you'll resent her for the lost intimate years?
Life is for living . Remember that.0 -
Op, your wife knows that your desires haven't gone away.
I think you need to sit her down and ask her what her expectations are of your relationship now that she doesn't want to have sex anymore. Ask her does she expect you to go without sexual intimacy for the rest of your life? Because that's not very realistic!
Judging by her answer, you'll have to make a call but I think it's very unfair that she expect you to remain in a mongamous sexless relationship for the rest of your days...
You could suggest relationship counselling, or alternative marriage arrangements...
As a last resort, Separating doesn't have to be like you describe, if she doesn't want to be any more than friends, why not suggest seperating and share parenting? She will have more 'me' time and you could have more free time also... It can work out but definately communication is key at this stage!0 -
I highly doubt she just doesn't want sex, the problem is she just doesn't want sex with you.
This will not get any better unless you tackle it head on.0 -
It sounds like you are getting the worst parts of friendship and relationships. Are you paying for her to go to art and yoga classes instead of working?0
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I've been in your situation OP or actually still am.
Lack of sex and it wasn't a problem for her.
I Nearly left because of it but after some thinking and talking with people I came to the conclusion that why should I leave my house and my kids because she's not interested in sex or me?
So I basically told her that I was gonna get it somewhere else and that if she didn't like it she could leave.
Because as far as I was concerned I didn't have the problem so why should I leave everything behind.
She agreed with me.
She got what she wanted, I stopped pestering her for sex( as she used to put it) and didn't have to have sex when she didn't want to.
And I got what I wanted....a sex life.
It's been over a year now since that started and we are good.
Our moods are a lot better.
She not getting pestered for sex and I'm not frustrated at her for rejecting me.
She's probably more sexually frustrated than me now because she has cracked a few times and asked me to give it to her ( her words).
Anyway I had to post this because there are a lot frustrated sex life threads on here and it's always that person thinking they should leave or break up because of it.
My advice is,
Put the shoe on her foot and let her deal with the issue.
If she won't have sex with you then go get it somewhere else and let her deal with that issue.
Breaking up. A family isn't an easy decision so let her make it.0 -
Continue to be kind and respectful to your wife if you do choose to have sex with other women, as you want a pleasant atmosphere in the home for everyone concerned.
Just make sure you tell her FIRST of your intentions to find it elsewhere. Don't let it be a conversation that's had after you're "found out", because if she never agreed to it, you'll be painted as an evil adulterer and possibly turfed out on your ear in a worse position than you'd be in if you walked now.
If you explain in advance you haven't given up sex for the rest of your life and will seek it elsewhere, she has an opportunity to review her position before you do that.0 -
I've been in your situation OP or actually still am.
Lack of sex and it wasn't a problem for her.
I Nearly left because of it but after some thinking and talking with people I came to the conclusion that why should I leave my house and my kids because she's not interested in sex or me?
So I basically told her that I was gonna get it somewhere else and that if she didn't like it she could leave.
Because as far as I was concerned I didn't have the problem so why should I leave everything behind.
She agreed with me.
She got what she wanted, I stopped pestering her for sex( as she used to put it) and didn't have to have sex when she didn't want to.
And I got what I wanted....a sex life.
It's been over a year now since that started and we are good.
Our moods are a lot better.
She not getting pestered for sex and I'm not frustrated at her for rejecting me.
She's probably more sexually frustrated than me now because she has cracked a few times and asked me to give it to her ( her words).
Anyway I had to post this because there are a lot frustrated sex life threads on here and it's always that person thinking they should leave or break up because of it.
My advice is,
Put the shoe on her foot and let her deal with the issue.
If she won't have sex with you then go get it somewhere else and let her deal with that issue.
Breaking up. A family isn't an easy decision so let her make it.
I agree wholeheartedly with the above. I had the same problem and came out the far side. The bickering went on for years and when I did get sex it was quite obviously terrible sex as it was just the other person giving in. I tried everything. I swore that I would be faithful and work through it with her. She refused to see a doctor or counsellor no matter how much I begged her to. No compromise. One day out of the blue she said she wouldn't blame me if I had an affair or left her. I'd done all I could so eventually I had an affair but didn't leave her. She had been in the spare room for years anyway. I told her I was seeing someone else, but it was a woman in a similar position to me. After a few months she tried to seduce me one night and it was a very sad experience. It was forced and I could tell. She ended up in tears because I refused her advances and this was the catalyst that made her seek medical help. The eventual diagnosis was hormonal. With treatment and therapy she regained her sex drive. I ended my affair once she agreed to seek treatment. But both of us paid a big price because of her refusal to initially seek help leading to my eventual affair with another woman. That had to be dealt with seperately. Jealousy on my wifes part and a bit of guilt on mine. But generally I have no regrets. I loved her and wanted to be intimate with her. It was my extreme actions that forced her to address it.
No couple should have to put up with a no sex scenario. Sometimes it takes extreme action to begin the healing process. We are still together. We communicate a lot more. The sex is great. Most important is the fact that the partner not interested in sex, must seek some form of help and want to address the matter. If that requires the aforementioned extreme action, then so be it.0 -
Good god the amount of sexless marriage threads around here is really eye-opening.AnonThisTime wrote: »Myself and my wife don't really get on in general - but in recent months things have been ok - not good, but certainly ok - & I took this as a sign that things are on the mend.
This is the first thing you said about your wife. The first description of your relationship. That you don't get on and sex is absolutely out of the question even when you don't hate each other's guts.
Not exactly the best starting point. Why don't you get on? Do you confide in each other? Talk about work, about family stresses, about your feelings? Spend some time together at the end of the day just to have a cuppa and a chat?
Because it sounds more like you're roommates who just-about tolerate each other for the sake of sharing the rent, as opposed to partners who have chosen to be together and raise a family together. In turn she has totally shutdown and your lack of a sex life is just a symptom.
You need to tell her in no uncertain terms that this is not a livable situation for you. You're not going to spend the rest of your life with someone who treats you with absolute apathy, dismisses your needs and tolerates you at best. If you leave it much longer, your self esteem will be shot to pieces and you'll either do something you regret or sink further into this hole of depression that is your marriage.
Tell her her inability to see this as a problem is going to result in separation if it continues much longer. You want a wife; a life partner - not a roommate. And if she's not on board you'll look elsewhere.
I honestly think this kind of ultimatum is your only option at this point.0 -
I'm female and in same boat as OP.
I am going to give no details, only to say that it is a ridiculously tough situation.0 -
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I'm currently also living the dream. Once a woman goes off it, that's it. Its been 5 years. She gets angry and defensive when its mentioned and she just wants life to carry on as if nothing is wrong.
Nothing on earth will change her mind.
I moved into the spare room 2 years ago. Nothing has made her happier, now that I'm not constantly "at her" and "pestering her". OP, a woman in these circumstances will never crack, she could happily go to her grave never having sex again.
But I'm also not allowed to see other woman, she's insanely jealous. Not only is she happy in her misery, she can only he happy if in miserable as well.
I'm the perfect slave for her. She calls me her Butler. She can't get a job, so I have to support her. She has a great life. And she would never agree to end it. She says she wants her fair share, the fair share being the house and all the money and me moving out and paying the rent and all the bills.
She is an evil bitch that is sucking the life out if me and I cannot afford to leave.
Until I get a solicitor, force the sale of the house and split the money. A really fair share would be her worst nightmare, since she won't he able to support herself.
OP, your partner knows a good racket when its going. She has a comfortable life thanks to you and that's all she really cares about.
There's a definite pattern in this thread, is it really always the case? I've snagged him, so now I don't have to put up with all that dirty sex business all the time and he can't go elsewhere? Sorry if that sounds bitter, its because I am. And definitely have a negative view of women because of it. At 45 I hope and pray I will have another chance at happiness.0 -
This isn't relationship advice. This is advice for turning your wife into a whore. It's buying sex she doesn't want to have with "good behaviour". :rolleyes:AnonThisTime wrote: »I've been to counselling (about our relationship in general - not about this current sex problem) - it's fairly predictable now - make her feel special, buy her flowers, make a date night, have her favourite dinner ready for her, do more housework etc
What makes you think she'd have to give up the painting classes and yoga? It's the life to which she's become accustomed and the one a judge will expect you to support if you leave, despite her being the one with the problem.Got a great house, job, wonderful kids and a good mother - I feel like such an asshole thinking of separating, (me going to an apartment, developing arguments about maintenance, kids hearts being broken, both of us being broke, her own great lifestyle of painting classes and yoga while kids are in school - all down the drain)
I'd be very careful about making ultimatums about "getting it elsewhere" as it leaves three potential outcomes: 1. She thinks it's a good idea and agrees to it. 2. She loses the rag and you're off to family court. 3. She agrees to oblige you with disinterested sex once a fortnight or when you've bought it with the aforementioned "good behaviour". I'd suspect option 1 is far more likely to be palatable to her if it's her own idea so rather than issuing ultimatums you need to be asking questions and making it clear that not having a sex life is neither a valid option, nor healthy for either of you and an option that will ultimately see ye separating as soon as the kids are raised.0 -
Why on earth are you putting up with this if there's no kids involved?I'm currently also living the dream. Once a woman goes off it, that's it. Its been 5 years. She gets angry and defensive when its mentioned and she just wants life to carry on as if nothing is wrong.
Nothing on earth will change her mind.
I moved into the spare room 2 years ago. Nothing has made her happier, now that I'm not constantly "at her" and "pestering her". OP, a woman in these circumstances will never crack, she could happily go to her grave never having sex again.
But I'm also not allowed to see other woman, she's insanely jealous. Not only is she happy in her misery, she can only he happy if in miserable as well.
I'm the perfect slave for her. She calls me her Butler. She can't get a job, so I have to support her. She has a great life. And she would never agree to end it. She says she wants her fair share, the fair share being the house and all the money and me moving out and paying the rent and all the bills.
She is an evil bitch that is sucking the life out if me and I cannot afford to leave.
Until I get a solicitor, force the sale of the house and split the money. A really fair share would be her worst nightmare, since she won't he able to support herself.
OP, your partner knows a good racket when its going. She has a comfortable life thanks to you and that's all she really cares about.
There's a definite pattern in this thread, is it really always the case? I've snagged him, so now I don't have to put up with all that dirty sex business all the time and he can't go elsewhere? Sorry if that sounds bitter, its because I am. And definitely have a negative view of women because of it. At 45 I hope and pray I will have another chance at happiness.0 -
I'm in the same boat. We have three kids, so since they have come along she has no interest in sex. When I try to initiate things it's just not happening. It also kills your confidence as, for me anyway, I question myself. We are generally somewhat happy outside of it, although we don't have much quality time together.
I don't think I would break the family up over it. I would rather be somewhat unhappy than upset the kids.0 -
Wow... a nightmare of mine I'd never allow to happen.I'm currently also living the dream. Once a woman goes off it, that's it. Its been 5 years. She gets angry and defensive when its mentioned and she just wants life to carry on as if nothing is wrong.ent and all the bills...
You're a 45 year old man, plenty of life left to live. Get out now.0 -
I'm currently also living the dream. Once a woman goes off it, that's it. Its been 5 years. She gets angry and defensive when its mentioned and she just wants life to carry on as if nothing is wrong.t and paying the rent and all the bills....
I have absolutely no idea why you are staying in that situation? I'd take my chances in court hands down, why the hell are you wasting your life, it's only money and you won't be expected to 'fund' your exs lifestyle - she can apply for maintenance and would be granted it on a temporary basis (for dependants until they are 18) and you can continue to argue for hers to be reduced/ eliminated after which she'll be on her bloody own!!
You need to speak to a solicitor asap - I am a woman, I work full time, am engaged and am a parent and its story's like your that give women a bad name, particularly stay at home moms - it's embarrassing and I will never give up my career because of stories like yours - I'll keep my financial Independance thanks!0 -
I'm currently also living the dream. Once a woman goes off it, that's it. Its been 5 years. She gets angry and defensive when its mentioned and she just wants life to carry on as if nothing is wrong.
Why do you think you have to leave?
She treating you like a doormat and not thinking she should leave.
Start doing what you like and let her deal with it.
Maybe you will get lucky and she will leave.
Start living your life , you don't need to initiate any proceedings with solicitors or start selling the house to do that.
If she nots happy then maybe she will start it for you.0 -
OP, it doesn't even sound like you are friends in a sexless marriage. She doesn't even want to go on dates to improve the relationship! Sex or no sex, you deserve to feel loved and wanted. I think it was really brave of the other posters to share their similar experiences, but please use these examples as a catalyst for discussing this seriously with your wife. Ask her if she even wants to be in a relationship with you, because from your post, it doesn't seem like it.0
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After reading some of the posts on here, I'll think twice before judging a man who cheats on his marriage in future. You really never know what is going on behind closed doors...but at least the other stories shared show that there are solutions - drastic as some of them may be.
I agree with the advice you should start focusing on your own life and improving yourself - and see where that leads you.0 -
this is the opposite of what most people will tell you, including professional counsellors...so bear that in mind.
I think there is too much fusion...when two become one, someone has to die.... you can't connect when there is fusion because there is nothing to connect...there is no longer a point A and a point B...
Female sexualtiy is 24 hours. You need foreplay but you also need foreforeplay.
Also with kids.... there is nothing left to give sometimes.... it's just all tapped out....0 -
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AnonThisTime wrote: »I've been to counselling (about our relationship in general - not about this current sex problem) - it's fairly predictable now - make her feel special, buy her flowers, make a date night, have her favourite dinner ready for her, do more housework etc - she certainly liked the flowers and dinner - but doesn't want a date night - would prefer some 'me time' to herself at the weekend rather than doing something together. (In one instance last week this changed - we did a coulpe of things together & a couple of things apart and everyhting was fine. It surprised me as this is maye the 5th or 6th time in 8-9 years that this happened).
So these are really things that just make me down in the dumps - they are trivial compared to some other cases I read here. To be honest I can't get it off my mind. I feel like I have just accepted defeat - she has everything she wants, I have to accept that a non sexual relationship is beter than one where I am in a flat supporting 2 houses, broke & seeing the kids 1-2 times a week.
But would you end it for the sake of lack if sex? It seems as though lack of sex is quite common reading elsewhere here.
Got a great house, job, wonderful kids and a good mother - I feel like such an asshole thinking of separating, (me going to an apartment, developing arguments about maintenance, kids hearts being broken, both of us being broke, her own great lifestyle of painting classes and yoga while kids are in school - all down the drain) and it could probably all be avoided in my mind with sex once a week or fortnight.
I really think if we focussed on it and tried once or twice a fortnight we'd enjoy it together and maybe start enjoying each other's company as a result. However my desire isn't matched by hers and so she doesn't see a problem that needs fixing.
Of course she doesn't. She has the husband, the house, the lifestyle, the painting classes and the yoga without having to do much from her end. Perhaps it's time for you to ease off at work and for her to start pulling her weight more. Does she have a part-time job? Has she worked at all since you got married? I know a full-time mum is a busy job in itself but if she has time for painting and yoga she has time to work more hours.
She might appreciate you more if everything wasn't handed to her on a plate.0 -
The Princess Bride wrote: »You don't say what age you are or how old the children are?
.....
I was in pub a few years ago and one of the lads was telling a joke.Something about being sex starved. And one by one every one of the group of 7(late 30s to early 50s) admitted that they had no sex life at home and it was frustrating.
Meanwhile, at another table,all the wives were deliriously laughing and happy -to an onlooker these were 7 happily married couples but the men were frustrated!
Finally - your children will grow up and move out and it'll just be you and her. Is there a chance you'll resent her for the lost intimate years?
Life is for living . Remember that.
I'm 40 - your story from the pub is actually what I was thinking is maybe really widespread - but it's a difficult subject to bring up with a couple of friends. I thought maybe a few comments here would be of the 'cop yourself on - this happens to everyone - they just don't talk about it' type. But they're not.
anyway thanks for your comments0 -
Potatoeman wrote: »It sounds like you are getting the worst parts of friendship and relationships. Are you paying for her to go to art and yoga classes instead of working?
Well it comes from the same pot - I pay for everything - but it's her money too really - I'm working & she's parenting. I don't mind that so much if we can afford it, but the kids are in school so she has a couple of hobbies during schooltime & that's great.
I just can't understand that I see what I think is a great life she has - but the lack of effort in the relationship risks it all.0 -
I trust her - I don't think there's another party - i just think it's low libido, along with some old fashioned view of sex being something for teens & twenties, and not being bothered/lazy/tired inconsiderateVisibleGorilla wrote: »I highly doubt she just doesn't want sex, the problem is she just doesn't want sex with you.
This will not get any better unless you tackle it head on.
But yes - tackling it is right - thats what the conversations were supposed to do & some more are needed shortly
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Thanks guys for all your posts & time above.
Interesting reading & sad reading some of it. The ultimatum will come up in coversation all right - but I don't think it will come out as it did for 2 of the posters above. Might as well throw it into the conversation though.
I probably sound as though I'm walking on eggshells, but really since we had our chat & I could see she just isn't bothered ot interested and I then never put her under any pressure things are a lot calmer at home. Of course I have to keep all this in & things stay calm - but I can see I can't just leave it like this. It's driving me nuts.
I guess I have a big fear of whats likely to happen - probably ending the whole thing & the difficulties this brings - but I can see this can't continue0 -
Lads some of ye saying "just leave" have the right idea but some of the posters here probably mean more they haven't the price of a consultation with a solicitor never mind paying for divorce and asset proceedings
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I'm currently also living the dream. Once a woman goes off it, that's it. Its been 5 years. She gets angry and defensive when its mentioned and she just wants life to carry on as if nothing is wrong...
Why don't you leave
No house/money is worth that level of unhappiness....life's too short for that??0 -
AnonThisTime wrote: »Thanks guys for all your posts & time above.
Interesting reading & sad reading some of it. The ultimatum will come up in coversation all right - but I don't think it will come out as it did for 2 of the posters above. Might as well throw it into the conversation though.
I probably sound as though I'm walking on eggshells, but really since we had our chat & I could see she just isn't bothered ot interested and I then never put her under any pressure things are a lot calmer at home. Of course I have to keep all this in & things stay calm - but I can see I can't just leave it like this. It's driving me nuts.
I guess I have a big fear of whats likely to happen - probably ending the whole thing & the difficulties this brings - but I can see this can't continue
How old is she....is it possibly pre menopause or hormonally related?0 -
AnonThisTime wrote: »Well it comes from the same pot - I pay for everything - but it's her money too really - I'm working & she's parenting. I don't mind that so much if we can afford it, but the kids are in school so she has a couple of hobbies during schooltime & that's great.
I just can't understand that I see what I think is a great life she has - but the lack of effort in the relationship risks it all.
Fair enough, she's parenting. I'm sure you do some parenting as well - it shouldn't be up to one partner only. If you're leaving 100% of the parenting up to her that could be the root of your problems.
If you're sharing the parenting then there's no reason why she can't get a part-time job. I'm not saying she should, what you do is your business but lots of couples manage to parent while both partners are working full-time. This may not be economically viable in your case (cost of childcare etc.) but many women work part-time and manage to parent as well.
I'm not saying your wife has it too easy but perhaps she doesn't realize the effort it takes for you to keep the show on the road. If she did she might appreciate you more. It seems unfair that she can occupy herself with yoga and painting while you work hard to pay for everything and she isn't willing to be a wife to you in every sense. A woman working full-time and trying to cram in parenting and housework afterwards might have an excuse for not being interested in sex. A woman who has time for hobbies such as painting and yoga does not have this excuse.
I would be rich enough to give up work if I had a euro for every married man who propositioned me on nights out saying his wife didn't sleep with him. It seems to be very common but that doesn't say it's ok. I don't advocate infidelity or cheating but perhaps you should mention to your wife in a jokey/serious way that you can have an affair as a hobby while she has her yoga and painting as a hobby.
Would she notice if you started coming home from work late some evenings? If you started taking certain phone calls in another room? If you started talking about a new woman in your workplace?
Some women are happy for a man to earn a good income while they sit back and reap the rewards. They don't care if he has an affair, all they care is about the money coming in, the house, the lifestyle and their position as wife of a successful man.
Have you tried marriage counselling?0 -
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U got married to young that's what happened!0
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