Sex stopped? At my age? For the rest of my life?

LegacyUser · 02-11-2015 8:56am #1

Myself and my wife don't really get on in general - but in recent months things have been ok - not good, but certainly ok - & I took this as a sign that things are on the mend.
Now sex is just still out of the question. After being turned away 8 times over 4 months I just wanted to talk about it - no pressure just talk. First/second/third attempt to get this dialogue going was shot down - sometimes in temper - other times just finding excuses 'lets talk tomorrow' etc.
Finally we went to bed together - I brought her up a cuppa and got the conversation going. Nothing heated - just she was quite defensive - but in summary she just really doesn't want sex again. She's not bothered, has no interest in it & doesn't see it as a problem - but to me this is a massive problem.
I don't try any more - so I don't get rejected - and in a way we get on a bit better. She's not under pressure, and I'm not turned down.
We are getting on OK, but I mean as partners bringing up kids - not really as what I'd expect a man & wife to be. I think the fact that I stopped trying to initiate sex has helped us get on better GREEEEEATTT

I've been to counselling (about our relationship in general - not about this current sex problem) - it's fairly predictable now - make her feel special, buy her flowers, make a date night, have her favourite dinner ready for her, do more housework etc - she certainly liked the flowers and dinner - but doesn't want a date night - would prefer some 'me time' to herself at the weekend rather than doing something together. (In one instance last week this changed - we did a coulpe of things together & a couple of things apart and everyhting was fine. It surprised me as this is maye the 5th or 6th time in 8-9 years that this happened).

So these are really things that just make me down in the dumps - they are trivial compared to some other cases I read here. To be honest I can't get it off my mind. I feel like I have just accepted defeat - she has everything she wants, I have to accept that a non sexual relationship is beter than one where I am in a flat supporting 2 houses, broke & seeing the kids 1-2 times a week.

But would you end it for the sake of lack if sex? It seems as though lack of sex is quite common reading elsewhere here.

Got a great house, job, wonderful kids and a good mother - I feel like such an asshole thinking of separating, (me going to an apartment, developing arguments about maintenance, kids hearts being broken, both of us being broke, her own great lifestyle of painting classes and yoga while kids are in school - all down the drain) and it could probably all be avoided in my mind with sex once a week or fortnight.

I really think if we focussed on it and tried once or twice a fortnight we'd enjoy it together and maybe start enjoying each other's company as a result. However my desire isn't matched by hers and so she doesn't see a problem that needs fixing.

discus · 02-11-2015 11:27am

- it's fairly predictable now - make her feel special, buy her flowers, make a date night, have her favourite dinner ready for her, do more housework etc -

Which of course is all bullsh1t. These things will solve the problem of you guys fighting, but doesn't exactly make you sexually appealing to her, does it? Be an emasculinated housemate to her? Nah.

Go be yourself for a while. Improve yourself; go get yourself doing some sport, or gym time. I bet you haven't gone and bought some decent clothes for yourself in a while either, have you? Get out of that house more often and make yourself happy. See if that helps.

The Princess Bride · 02-11-2015 12:22pm

You don't say what age you are or how old the children are?
Your wife has been honest and said that for her that's it-end of sex life.But you haven't been given a choice at all here.
Have you told her that for you, it's a different story.That your desires haven't disappeared. Have you asked her what you're supposed to do for the coming years?

Personally speaking, I'd hate to think that my sex life was over without my wanting it over, if you get what I'm saying -you haven't a choice here at all.

I was in pub a few years ago and one of the lads was telling a joke.Something about being sex starved. And one by one every one of the group of 7(late 30s to early 50s) admitted that they had no sex life at home and it was frustrating.
Meanwhile, at another table,all the wives were deliriously laughing and happy -to an onlooker these were 7 happily married couples but the men were frustrated!

Finally - your children will grow up and move out and it'll just be you and her. Is there a chance you'll resent her for the lost intimate years?
Life is for living . Remember that.

Ann84 · 02-11-2015 12:38pm

Op, your wife knows that your desires haven't gone away.
I think you need to sit her down and ask her what her expectations are of your relationship now that she doesn't want to have sex anymore. Ask her does she expect you to go without sexual intimacy for the rest of your life? Because that's not very realistic!
Judging by her answer, you'll have to make a call but I think it's very unfair that she expect you to remain in a mongamous sexless relationship for the rest of your days...
You could suggest relationship counselling, or alternative marriage arrangements...
As a last resort, Separating doesn't have to be like you describe, if she doesn't want to be any more than friends, why not suggest seperating and share parenting? She will have more 'me' time and you could have more free time also... It can work out but definately communication is key at this stage!

VisibleGorilla · 02-11-2015 1:21pm

I highly doubt she just doesn't want sex, the problem is she just doesn't want sex with you.

This will not get any better unless you tackle it head on.

Potatoeman · 02-11-2015 1:53pm

It sounds like you are getting the worst parts of friendship and relationships. Are you paying for her to go to art and yoga classes instead of working?

XsApollo · 02-11-2015 2:01pm

I've been in your situation OP or actually still am.
Lack of sex and it wasn't a problem for her.
I Nearly left because of it but after some thinking and talking with people I came to the conclusion that why should I leave my house and my kids because she's not interested in sex or me?

So I basically told her that I was gonna get it somewhere else and that if she didn't like it she could leave.
Because as far as I was concerned I didn't have the problem so why should I leave everything behind.

She agreed with me.
She got what she wanted, I stopped pestering her for sex( as she used to put it) and didn't have to have sex when she didn't want to.

And I got what I wanted....a sex life.

It's been over a year now since that started and we are good.
Our moods are a lot better.
She not getting pestered for sex and I'm not frustrated at her for rejecting me.

She's probably more sexually frustrated than me now because she has cracked a few times and asked me to give it to her ( her words).

Anyway I had to post this because there are a lot frustrated sex life threads on here and it's always that person thinking they should leave or break up because of it.

My advice is,
Put the shoe on her foot and let her deal with the issue.
If she won't have sex with you then go get it somewhere else and let her deal with that issue.

Breaking up. A family isn't an easy decision so let her make it.

pookie82 · 02-11-2015 6:32pm

Sespretta wrote: »

Continue to be kind and respectful to your wife if you do choose to have sex with other women, as you want a pleasant atmosphere in the home for everyone concerned.

Just make sure you tell her FIRST of your intentions to find it elsewhere. Don't let it be a conversation that's had after you're "found out", because if she never agreed to it, you'll be painted as an evil adulterer and possibly turfed out on your ear in a worse position than you'd be in if you walked now.

If you explain in advance you haven't given up sex for the rest of your life and will seek it elsewhere, she has an opportunity to review her position before you do that.

LegacyUser · 02-11-2015 8:24pm

XsApollo wrote: »

I've been in your situation OP or actually still am.
Lack of sex and it wasn't a problem for her.
I Nearly left because of it but after some thinking and talking with people I came to the conclusion that why should I leave my house and my kids because she's not interested in sex or me?

So I basically told her that I was gonna get it somewhere else and that if she didn't like it she could leave.
Because as far as I was concerned I didn't have the problem so why should I leave everything behind.

She agreed with me.
She got what she wanted, I stopped pestering her for sex( as she used to put it) and didn't have to have sex when she didn't want to.

And I got what I wanted....a sex life.

It's been over a year now since that started and we are good.
Our moods are a lot better.
She not getting pestered for sex and I'm not frustrated at her for rejecting me.

She's probably more sexually frustrated than me now because she has cracked a few times and asked me to give it to her ( her words).

Anyway I had to post this because there are a lot frustrated sex life threads on here and it's always that person thinking they should leave or break up because of it.

My advice is,
Put the shoe on her foot and let her deal with the issue.
If she won't have sex with you then go get it somewhere else and let her deal with that issue.

Breaking up. A family isn't an easy decision so let her make it.

I agree wholeheartedly with the above. I had the same problem and came out the far side. The bickering went on for years and when I did get sex it was quite obviously terrible sex as it was just the other person giving in. I tried everything. I swore that I would be faithful and work through it with her. She refused to see a doctor or counsellor no matter how much I begged her to. No compromise. One day out of the blue she said she wouldn't blame me if I had an affair or left her. I'd done all I could so eventually I had an affair but didn't leave her. She had been in the spare room for years anyway. I told her I was seeing someone else, but it was a woman in a similar position to me. After a few months she tried to seduce me one night and it was a very sad experience. It was forced and I could tell. She ended up in tears because I refused her advances and this was the catalyst that made her seek medical help. The eventual diagnosis was hormonal. With treatment and therapy she regained her sex drive. I ended my affair once she agreed to seek treatment. But both of us paid a big price because of her refusal to initially seek help leading to my eventual affair with another woman. That had to be dealt with seperately. Jealousy on my wifes part and a bit of guilt on mine. But generally I have no regrets. I loved her and wanted to be intimate with her. It was my extreme actions that forced her to address it.

No couple should have to put up with a no sex scenario. Sometimes it takes extreme action to begin the healing process. We are still together. We communicate a lot more. The sex is great. Most important is the fact that the partner not interested in sex, must seek some form of help and want to address the matter. If that requires the aforementioned extreme action, then so be it.

beks101 · 02-11-2015 9:03pm

Good god the amount of sexless marriage threads around here is really eye-opening.

AnonThisTime wrote: »

Myself and my wife don't really get on in general - but in recent months things have been ok - not good, but certainly ok - & I took this as a sign that things are on the mend.

This is the first thing you said about your wife. The first description of your relationship. That you don't get on and sex is absolutely out of the question even when you don't hate each other's guts.

Not exactly the best starting point. Why don't you get on? Do you confide in each other? Talk about work, about family stresses, about your feelings? Spend some time together at the end of the day just to have a cuppa and a chat?

Because it sounds more like you're roommates who just-about tolerate each other for the sake of sharing the rent, as opposed to partners who have chosen to be together and raise a family together. In turn she has totally shutdown and your lack of a sex life is just a symptom.

You need to tell her in no uncertain terms that this is not a livable situation for you. You're not going to spend the rest of your life with someone who treats you with absolute apathy, dismisses your needs and tolerates you at best. If you leave it much longer, your self esteem will be shot to pieces and you'll either do something you regret or sink further into this hole of depression that is your marriage.

Tell her her inability to see this as a problem is going to result in separation if it continues much longer. You want a wife; a life partner - not a roommate. And if she's not on board you'll look elsewhere.

I honestly think this kind of ultimatum is your only option at this point.

Queen-Mise · 03-11-2015 3:09am

I'm female and in same boat as OP.

I am going to give no details, only to say that it is a ridiculously tough situation.

LegacyUser · 03-11-2015 11:49am

I'm currently also living the dream. Once a woman goes off it, that's it. Its been 5 years. She gets angry and defensive when its mentioned and she just wants life to carry on as if nothing is wrong.
Nothing on earth will change her mind.
I moved into the spare room 2 years ago. Nothing has made her happier, now that I'm not constantly "at her" and "pestering her". OP, a woman in these circumstances will never crack, she could happily go to her grave never having sex again.
But I'm also not allowed to see other woman, she's insanely jealous. Not only is she happy in her misery, she can only he happy if in miserable as well.
I'm the perfect slave for her. She calls me her Butler. She can't get a job, so I have to support her. She has a great life. And she would never agree to end it. She says she wants her fair share, the fair share being the house and all the money and me moving out and paying the rent and all the bills.
She is an evil bitch that is sucking the life out if me and I cannot afford to leave.
Until I get a solicitor, force the sale of the house and split the money. A really fair share would be her worst nightmare, since she won't he able to support herself.
OP, your partner knows a good racket when its going. She has a comfortable life thanks to you and that's all she really cares about.
There's a definite pattern in this thread, is it really always the case? I've snagged him, so now I don't have to put up with all that dirty sex business all the time and he can't go elsewhere? Sorry if that sounds bitter, its because I am. And definitely have a negative view of women because of it. At 45 I hope and pray I will have another chance at happiness.

Sleepy · 03-11-2015 12:17pm

AnonThisTime wrote: »

I've been to counselling (about our relationship in general - not about this current sex problem) - it's fairly predictable now - make her feel special, buy her flowers, make a date night, have her favourite dinner ready for her, do more housework etc

This isn't relationship advice. This is advice for turning your wife into a whore. It's buying sex she doesn't want to have with "good behaviour". :rolleyes:

Got a great house, job, wonderful kids and a good mother - I feel like such an asshole thinking of separating, (me going to an apartment, developing arguments about maintenance, kids hearts being broken, both of us being broke, her own great lifestyle of painting classes and yoga while kids are in school - all down the drain)

What makes you think she'd have to give up the painting classes and yoga? It's the life to which she's become accustomed and the one a judge will expect you to support if you leave, despite her being the one with the problem.

I'd be very careful about making ultimatums about "getting it elsewhere" as it leaves three potential outcomes: 1. She thinks it's a good idea and agrees to it. 2. She loses the rag and you're off to family court. 3. She agrees to oblige you with disinterested sex once a fortnight or when you've bought it with the aforementioned "good behaviour". I'd suspect option 1 is far more likely to be palatable to her if it's her own idea so rather than issuing ultimatums you need to be asking questions and making it clear that not having a sex life is neither a valid option, nor healthy for either of you and an option that will ultimately see ye separating as soon as the kids are raised.

Sleepy · 03-11-2015 12:28pm

Not Me wrote: »

I'm currently also living the dream. Once a woman goes off it, that's it. Its been 5 years. She gets angry and defensive when its mentioned and she just wants life to carry on as if nothing is wrong.
Nothing on earth will change her mind.
I moved into the spare room 2 years ago. Nothing has made her happier, now that I'm not constantly "at her" and "pestering her". OP, a woman in these circumstances will never crack, she could happily go to her grave never having sex again.
But I'm also not allowed to see other woman, she's insanely jealous. Not only is she happy in her misery, she can only he happy if in miserable as well.
I'm the perfect slave for her. She calls me her Butler. She can't get a job, so I have to support her. She has a great life. And she would never agree to end it. She says she wants her fair share, the fair share being the house and all the money and me moving out and paying the rent and all the bills.
She is an evil bitch that is sucking the life out if me and I cannot afford to leave.
Until I get a solicitor, force the sale of the house and split the money. A really fair share would be her worst nightmare, since she won't he able to support herself.
OP, your partner knows a good racket when its going. She has a comfortable life thanks to you and that's all she really cares about.
There's a definite pattern in this thread, is it really always the case? I've snagged him, so now I don't have to put up with all that dirty sex business all the time and he can't go elsewhere? Sorry if that sounds bitter, its because I am. And definitely have a negative view of women because of it. At 45 I hope and pray I will have another chance at happiness.

Why on earth are you putting up with this if there's no kids involved?

LegacyUser · 03-11-2015 12:40pm

I'm in the same boat. We have three kids, so since they have come along she has no interest in sex. When I try to initiate things it's just not happening. It also kills your confidence as, for me anyway, I question myself. We are generally somewhat happy outside of it, although we don't have much quality time together.

I don't think I would break the family up over it. I would rather be somewhat unhappy than upset the kids.

VisibleGorilla · 03-11-2015 12:54pm

Not Me wrote: »

I'm currently also living the dream. Once a woman goes off it, that's it. Its been 5 years. She gets angry and defensive when its mentioned and she just wants life to carry on as if nothing is wrong.ent and all the bills...

Wow... a nightmare of mine I'd never allow to happen.

You're a 45 year old man, plenty of life left to live. Get out now.

Ann84 · 03-11-2015 1:18pm

Not Me wrote: »

I'm currently also living the dream. Once a woman goes off it, that's it. Its been 5 years. She gets angry and defensive when its mentioned and she just wants life to carry on as if nothing is wrong.t and paying the rent and all the bills....

I have absolutely no idea why you are staying in that situation? I'd take my chances in court hands down, why the hell are you wasting your life, it's only money and you won't be expected to 'fund' your exs lifestyle - she can apply for maintenance and would be granted it on a temporary basis (for dependants until they are 18) and you can continue to argue for hers to be reduced/ eliminated after which she'll be on her bloody own!!
You need to speak to a solicitor asap - I am a woman, I work full time, am engaged and am a parent and its story's like your that give women a bad name, particularly stay at home moms - it's embarrassing and I will never give up my career because of stories like yours - I'll keep my financial Independance thanks!

XsApollo · 03-11-2015 1:34pm

Not Me wrote: »

I'm currently also living the dream. Once a woman goes off it, that's it. Its been 5 years. She gets angry and defensive when its mentioned and she just wants life to carry on as if nothing is wrong.

Why do you think you have to leave?
She treating you like a doormat and not thinking she should leave.
Start doing what you like and let her deal with it.
Maybe you will get lucky and she will leave.
Start living your life , you don't need to initiate any proceedings with solicitors or start selling the house to do that.
If she nots happy then maybe she will start it for you.

ElleEm · 03-11-2015 1:38pm

OP, it doesn't even sound like you are friends in a sexless marriage. She doesn't even want to go on dates to improve the relationship! Sex or no sex, you deserve to feel loved and wanted. I think it was really brave of the other posters to share their similar experiences, but please use these examples as a catalyst for discussing this seriously with your wife. Ask her if she even wants to be in a relationship with you, because from your post, it doesn't seem like it.

stickybookmark · 03-11-2015 2:09pm

After reading some of the posts on here, I'll think twice before judging a man who cheats on his marriage in future. You really never know what is going on behind closed doors...but at least the other stories shared show that there are solutions - drastic as some of them may be.

I agree with the advice you should start focusing on your own life and improving yourself - and see where that leads you.

zeffabelli · 03-11-2015 5:48pm

this is the opposite of what most people will tell you, including professional counsellors...so bear that in mind.

I think there is too much fusion...when two become one, someone has to die.... you can't connect when there is fusion because there is nothing to connect...there is no longer a point A and a point B...

Female sexualtiy is 24 hours. You need foreplay but you also need foreforeplay.

Also with kids.... there is nothing left to give sometimes.... it's just all tapped out....

Emme · 03-11-2015 5:50pm

AnonThisTime wrote: »

I've been to counselling (about our relationship in general - not about this current sex problem) - it's fairly predictable now - make her feel special, buy her flowers, make a date night, have her favourite dinner ready for her, do more housework etc - she certainly liked the flowers and dinner - but doesn't want a date night - would prefer some 'me time' to herself at the weekend rather than doing something together. (In one instance last week this changed - we did a coulpe of things together & a couple of things apart and everyhting was fine. It surprised me as this is maye the 5th or 6th time in 8-9 years that this happened).

So these are really things that just make me down in the dumps - they are trivial compared to some other cases I read here. To be honest I can't get it off my mind. I feel like I have just accepted defeat - she has everything she wants, I have to accept that a non sexual relationship is beter than one where I am in a flat supporting 2 houses, broke & seeing the kids 1-2 times a week.

But would you end it for the sake of lack if sex? It seems as though lack of sex is quite common reading elsewhere here.

Got a great house, job, wonderful kids and a good mother - I feel like such an asshole thinking of separating, (me going to an apartment, developing arguments about maintenance, kids hearts being broken, both of us being broke, her own great lifestyle of painting classes and yoga while kids are in school - all down the drain) and it could probably all be avoided in my mind with sex once a week or fortnight.

I really think if we focussed on it and tried once or twice a fortnight we'd enjoy it together and maybe start enjoying each other's company as a result. However my desire isn't matched by hers and so she doesn't see a problem that needs fixing.

Of course she doesn't. She has the husband, the house, the lifestyle, the painting classes and the yoga without having to do much from her end. Perhaps it's time for you to ease off at work and for her to start pulling her weight more. Does she have a part-time job? Has she worked at all since you got married? I know a full-time mum is a busy job in itself but if she has time for painting and yoga she has time to work more hours.

She might appreciate you more if everything wasn't handed to her on a plate.

LegacyUser · 03-11-2015 11:13pm

The Princess Bride wrote: »

You don't say what age you are or how old the children are?
.....

I was in pub a few years ago and one of the lads was telling a joke.Something about being sex starved. And one by one every one of the group of 7(late 30s to early 50s) admitted that they had no sex life at home and it was frustrating.
Meanwhile, at another table,all the wives were deliriously laughing and happy -to an onlooker these were 7 happily married couples but the men were frustrated!

Finally - your children will grow up and move out and it'll just be you and her. Is there a chance you'll resent her for the lost intimate years?
Life is for living . Remember that.

I'm 40 - your story from the pub is actually what I was thinking is maybe really widespread - but it's a difficult subject to bring up with a couple of friends. I thought maybe a few comments here would be of the 'cop yourself on - this happens to everyone - they just don't talk about it' type. But they're not.
anyway thanks for your comments

LegacyUser · 03-11-2015 11:20pm

Potatoeman wrote: »

It sounds like you are getting the worst parts of friendship and relationships. Are you paying for her to go to art and yoga classes instead of working?

Well it comes from the same pot - I pay for everything - but it's her money too really - I'm working & she's parenting. I don't mind that so much if we can afford it, but the kids are in school so she has a couple of hobbies during schooltime & that's great.
I just can't understand that I see what I think is a great life she has - but the lack of effort in the relationship risks it all.

LegacyUser · 03-11-2015 11:24pm

VisibleGorilla wrote: »

I highly doubt she just doesn't want sex, the problem is she just doesn't want sex with you.

This will not get any better unless you tackle it head on.

I trust her - I don't think there's another party - i just think it's low libido, along with some old fashioned view of sex being something for teens & twenties, and not being bothered/lazy/tired inconsiderate

But yes - tackling it is right - thats what the conversations were supposed to do & some more are needed shortly

thanks

LegacyUser · 03-11-2015 11:34pm

Thanks guys for all your posts & time above.
Interesting reading & sad reading some of it. The ultimatum will come up in coversation all right - but I don't think it will come out as it did for 2 of the posters above. Might as well throw it into the conversation though.
I probably sound as though I'm walking on eggshells, but really since we had our chat & I could see she just isn't bothered ot interested and I then never put her under any pressure things are a lot calmer at home. Of course I have to keep all this in & things stay calm - but I can see I can't just leave it like this. It's driving me nuts.
I guess I have a big fear of whats likely to happen - probably ending the whole thing & the difficulties this brings - but I can see this can't continue

Mourinho · 03-11-2015 11:54pm

Lads some of ye saying "just leave" have the right idea but some of the posters here probably mean more they haven't the price of a consultation with a solicitor never mind paying for divorce and asset proceedings

tomwaterford · 03-11-2015 11:59pm

Not Me wrote: »

I'm currently also living the dream. Once a woman goes off it, that's it. Its been 5 years. She gets angry and defensive when its mentioned and she just wants life to carry on as if nothing is wrong...

Why don't you leave

No house/money is worth that level of unhappiness....life's too short for that??

zeffabelli · 04-11-2015 10:31am

AnonThisTime wrote: »

Thanks guys for all your posts & time above.
Interesting reading & sad reading some of it. The ultimatum will come up in coversation all right - but I don't think it will come out as it did for 2 of the posters above. Might as well throw it into the conversation though.
I probably sound as though I'm walking on eggshells, but really since we had our chat & I could see she just isn't bothered ot interested and I then never put her under any pressure things are a lot calmer at home. Of course I have to keep all this in & things stay calm - but I can see I can't just leave it like this. It's driving me nuts.
I guess I have a big fear of whats likely to happen - probably ending the whole thing & the difficulties this brings - but I can see this can't continue

How old is she....is it possibly pre menopause or hormonally related?

Emme · 04-11-2015 11:00am

AnonThisTime wrote: »

Well it comes from the same pot - I pay for everything - but it's her money too really - I'm working & she's parenting. I don't mind that so much if we can afford it, but the kids are in school so she has a couple of hobbies during schooltime & that's great.
I just can't understand that I see what I think is a great life she has - but the lack of effort in the relationship risks it all.

Fair enough, she's parenting. I'm sure you do some parenting as well - it shouldn't be up to one partner only. If you're leaving 100% of the parenting up to her that could be the root of your problems.

If you're sharing the parenting then there's no reason why she can't get a part-time job. I'm not saying she should, what you do is your business but lots of couples manage to parent while both partners are working full-time. This may not be economically viable in your case (cost of childcare etc.) but many women work part-time and manage to parent as well.

I'm not saying your wife has it too easy but perhaps she doesn't realize the effort it takes for you to keep the show on the road. If she did she might appreciate you more. It seems unfair that she can occupy herself with yoga and painting while you work hard to pay for everything and she isn't willing to be a wife to you in every sense. A woman working full-time and trying to cram in parenting and housework afterwards might have an excuse for not being interested in sex. A woman who has time for hobbies such as painting and yoga does not have this excuse.

I would be rich enough to give up work if I had a euro for every married man who propositioned me on nights out saying his wife didn't sleep with him. It seems to be very common but that doesn't say it's ok. I don't advocate infidelity or cheating but perhaps you should mention to your wife in a jokey/serious way that you can have an affair as a hobby while she has her yoga and painting as a hobby.

Would she notice if you started coming home from work late some evenings? If you started taking certain phone calls in another room? If you started talking about a new woman in your workplace?

Some women are happy for a man to earn a good income while they sit back and reap the rewards. They don't care if he has an affair, all they care is about the money coming in, the house, the lifestyle and their position as wife of a successful man.

Have you tried marriage counselling?

chaz44 · 04-11-2015 11:07am

U got married to young that's what happened!

SterlingArcher · 04-11-2015 11:26am

AnonThisTime wrote: »

Thanks guys for all your posts & time above.
Interesting reading & sad reading some of it. The ultimatum will come up in coversation all right - but I don't think it will come out as it did for 2 of the posters above. Might as well throw it into the conversation though.
I probably sound as though I'm walking on eggshells, but really since we had our chat & I could see she just isn't bothered ot interested and I then never put her under any pressure things are a lot calmer at home. Of course I have to keep all this in & things stay calm - but I can see I can't just leave it like this. It's driving me nuts.
I guess I have a big fear of whats likely to happen - probably ending the whole thing & the difficulties this brings - but I can see this can't continue

Ultimatum? Read your posts again.. She just gave you a clear indication of where you stand when she selfishly decided sex ain't happening. Ultimatum is a terrible idea.

The fact she prefers to do her own thing says it all really. Shes just in this for convenience, it's not even a friendship never mind a relationship . she knows her life is not going to be upheaval should the situation change and probably senses your fear and reluctance to rock the boat too hence the arrogant dismissal of sex. So this works for her. your ultimatum will be met with, if you don't like it see ya.

Second post had it right. Start enjoying yourself. make time for it.Have fun. Do new things. Rub one out. Get out of the house. Spend time with kids. Do this and the rest will fall into place.

Sleepy · 04-11-2015 1:22pm

It may also be advisable to look into financial planning prior to kicking off anything that could lead to a separation e.g. had you been planning to change the car in the next 6 months, it may be advisable to do that earlier so the loan payments are taken into account in your statement of means.

zeffabelli · 04-11-2015 1:27pm

Sleepy wrote: »

It may also be advisable to look into financial planning prior to kicking off anything that could lead to a separation e.g. had you been planning to change the car in the next 6 months, it may be advisable to do that earlier so the loan payments are taken into account in your statement of means.

You know every woman reading this is now going to have an internal freak out if they see their husbands buying a new car. :P

Pataman · 04-11-2015 1:29pm

chaz44 wrote: »

U got married to young that's what happened!

What a fantastic insight into their problems. Well done.

He doesnt give their ages or when they got married

Sleepy · 04-11-2015 1:34pm

zeffabelli wrote: »

You know every woman reading this is now going to have an internal freak out if they see their husbands buying a new car. :P

I expected to be lynched for the post tbh. While I wouldn't condone the "regular cash withdrawals" stuff you hear recommended for main earners about to go through a divorce, I think anyone would be a fool to trust to the courts to equitably divide assets and, were I in the position, would be ensuring I wasn't going to leave myself unable to enjoy the couple of days a week I got to see my kids.

zeffabelli · 04-11-2015 1:36pm

Sleepy wrote: »

I expected to be lynched for the post tbh. While I wouldn't condone the "regular cash withdrawals" stuff you hear recommended for main earners about to go through a divorce, I think anyone would be a fool to trust to the courts to equitably divide assets and, were I in the position, would be ensuring I wasn't going to leave myself unable to enjoy the couple of days a week I got to see my kids.

Court always burns at least one party, usually both. I think its putting the carriage before the horse at this stage....

It's wiser to not think so catastrophically so early.

Kenny B · 04-11-2015 1:52pm

Leaving makes no sense, living with another person requires respect from both people though.

Does she respect you, your feelings and your future, Will she respect you if you choose sex from another source.

It's always good to talk to yourself but if you do it long enough you convince yourself you're right and will act accordingly.

Bull by the horns and have it out with her, she needs to know a solution is needed - preferably with her 1st and if not she has to be ok with the someone else part because you can't do anymore for her and still want a sex life.

LegacyUser · 04-11-2015 2:00pm

Op, do you love your wife? Are you in love with her? You haven't mentioned anything like that in your posts from what i've seen

Potatoeman · 04-11-2015 4:42pm

AnonThisTime wrote: »

Well it comes from the same pot - I pay for everything - but it's her money too really - I'm working & she's parenting. I don't mind that so much if we can afford it, but the kids are in school so she has a couple of hobbies during schooltime & that's great.
I just can't understand that I see what I think is a great life she has - but the lack of effort in the relationship risks it all.

She has changed the rules of your marriage maybe it's time for you to. Why are you funding her lifestyle?

santana75 · 04-11-2015 6:22pm

Potatoeman wrote: »

She has changed the rules of your marriage maybe it's time for you to. Why are you funding her lifestyle?

Nail on the head. Op your wife is suiting herself, its time for you to do the same thing. Theres a book By Dr. Robert Glover called No more Mr. Nice guy. You need to read it, as a matter urgency.

zeffabelli · 04-11-2015 6:36pm

Potatoeman wrote: »

She has changed the rules of your marriage maybe it's time for you to. Why are you funding her lifestyle?

And what do you suggest he say, "put out or Im not paying for yoga?"

LOL...she'll respond with fine. Im on work to rule, take the kids with you to work then.

The sexual desert is usually created by TWO people.

Emme · 04-11-2015 6:42pm

zeffabelli wrote: »

And what do you suggest he say, "put out or Im not paying for yoga?"

He doesn't have to put it that way. He can say "I'm cutting back work hours for a while so we will all have to tighten our belts for a while. That means you might have to choose between yoga and painting for a bit. Would it be possible for you to find a part-time job because the children are older now and don't need full-time care." The latter applies if the children are older and don't need full-time care anymore.

zeffabelli · 04-11-2015 6:43pm

Emme wrote: »

He doesn't have to put it that way. He can say "I'm cutting back work hours for a while so we will all have to tighten our belts for a while. That means you might have to choose between yoga and painting for a bit. Would it be possible for you to find a part-time job because the children are older now and don't need full-time care." The latter applies if the children are older and don't need full-time care anymore.

But this is not about working part time. This is about the eros and lack of it.

You are not going to get anywhere with obfscating games. Immature.

Sex is adult. Be an adult.

Im not really understanding how getting a part time job will increase her desire for him?

LegacyUser · 04-11-2015 7:15pm

I'm in almost the same situation except that we still get on and to be honest love each other. Seven years ago we had our second child and that was it. We never made love again. Had sex yes once or twice a year. Not this year though. Like the OP I gave up. She doesn't even respond to cuddles anymore.
She was honest about it early on . She'd lost interest. I said it was fine when she was ready I could wait. Only it never happened. The few times we had sex I felt like a rapist. Which ironically was a role play she enjoyed once. We had a wonderful sex life at one stage.

So I've stopped even trying. Over the years I tried discussing it. Suggesting counselling. Had rows. I drink too much now. Having gone from a near teetotaller to overdoing it. She simply won't address the issue. Otherwise we get on fine mostly. She is in fact a lovely woman generally. Kind to a fault but somehow oblivious to fact that I'm gradually falling apart. She's inclined to dismiss any issues I have. Her problem is she came from a repressed family with a strong Father figure and she seems to think men can't have problems.

I can't leave her. I've nowhere to go and in any case I've ended up as a stay at home Father. My kids are more important than anything.

As for getting sex elsewhere. She said go ahead and to be honest if the opportunity arises I'll take it with no sense of betrayal because I feel she is betraying our relationship. I don't want it elsewhere though. She is the woman I love.

I will never judge a man or woman for that matter who has an affair again.

I have tears in my eyes as I type this because I've never been able to express it to anyone before.

It's not even the lack of sex. It's the lack of intimacy. I realise now I shouuld never have married her and if the kids weren't here. I'd be gone.

LegacyUser · 04-11-2015 7:35pm

Emme wrote: »

He doesn't have to put it that way. He can say "I'm cutting back work hours for a while so we will all have to tighten our belts for a while. That means you might have to choose between yoga and painting for a bit. Would it be possible for you to find a part-time job because the children are older now and don't need full-time care." The latter applies if the children are older and don't need full-time care anymore.

Are you missing what the problem actually is? He hasn't come on here complaining that his wife is spending the money he earns on hobbies and that she is refusing to contribute when he has asked her to.

His problem is a lack of a sex life.

LegacyUser · 04-11-2015 9:50pm

same boat 98 wrote: »

I'm in almost the same situation except that we still get on and to be honest love each other. Seven years ago we had our second child and that was it. We never made love again. Had sex yes once or twice a year. Not this year though. Like the OP I gave up. She doesn't even respond to cuddles anymore...

Not going to lie, at lot of these posts are really hard to read.

Just as a man to another man, knock the drink on the head. You are probably lonely but are ignoring that feeling, and trying to dull it with drink is never a solution. I've had days when loneliness is almost a physical feeling in my lungs and it's hard to ignore. It's a terrible feeling and too many men are suffering in silence because we've never learned how to acknowledge it to ourselves, let alone to others.

My advice, for what it's worth, is to stop drinking, start exercising and make an effort every day to re-connect with old friends. Give an call to someone, meet the lads for a run, a cycle or a lunch. Alcohol doesn't have to be the social lubricant. See if you can get a 5 a side game going one night a week or something. I guarantee if you reach out to your friends you'll find many men who know how you feel.

When you re-build your faith in yourself, you can try and rebuild things with your wife.

Maybe I'm way off in this post btw, but eitherway, good luck.

castle · 04-11-2015 10:00pm

How many times in last 5 years have you had sex or has it always a grey area when she decided to give you sex . If you believe that this is the end of sex for you then does this also mean the end of a marriage because it is fair for you to think having sex is normal in a happy healthy marriage, if she thinks you can stay married and you okay with not having sex and you agree then fine but if not you need to sort this out asap . Make yourself happy you only get one life and stop wasting your time on someone who does not have the feelings and desires that you have .
You don't have to be nasty to her but I feel you need to start minding yourself and start making a new life .There are many guys in similar position so you guys may need to go to mediation if you are sure marriage has no chance .
Best of luck

Emme · 04-11-2015 11:06pm

leafheart wrote: »

Are you missing what the problem actually is? He hasn't come on here complaining that his wife is spending the money he earns on hobbies and that she is refusing to contribute when he has asked her to.

His problem is a lack of a sex life.

He's spoiling her rotten and getting nowhere. If they split he'll be expected to spoil her rotten as well. If she is less financially dependent on him this might not happen. Also if she's getting off her backside and making a financial contribution she might appreciate him more. She is sheltered now, if she were out in the world working and talking to other women she might realise how good her husband is and work harder to hold onto him.

I notice only the OP went to counselling, not his wife. I suggest they go for marriage counselling together. The OP should let his wife know he is unhappy about their nonexistent sex life and ask is she willing to go to counselling to discuss it. Does she know how important sex is to him?

Many women get a rude awakening when their marriages end (on their instigation) and they hit the dating scene. More than a few of them would have stayed with their husbands if they knew what was ahead of them. It's too late when they realise that they loved their husbands after all and in many cases the ex-husband is too broken hearted to commit emotionally to a new relationship even though he may have more sexual opportunities than he ever had.

suicide_circus · 04-11-2015 11:30pm

Christ this thread is scary. So many replies of people in the same boat.How does one avoid this?

OP this is not a marriage anymore. Get on to a solicitor.

seenitall · 05-11-2015 12:23am

suicide_circus wrote: »

How does one avoid this?

Good question. As far as avoiding it, seems to be the luck of the draw with marriage kind of thing. Awful. (Although I do blame a lot on the subtle, wider-societal brain programming done since childhood, of "sex is baaaaad".)

The crux of the problem lies with the apparent sanctity of marriage, and the bias of the courts towards the primary carer in case of divorce. Both of these facts mean that, once the ring is on the finger, the woman acquires a huge leverage in the relationship, on the basis of which she is able to indulge any selfish tendencies and suit herself, with little consequence to herself, either socially or financially.

As a woman, I abhor the fact that these kinds of "marriages"/intimacy-free zones exist out there, they make mockery of what a marriage should be, and give the word "wife" a bad name indeed. But as long as nothing changes, nothing will change... it's a tough one.

FWIW, I think that the poster who talked about living his own life for himself, getting sexual gratification elsewhere, and thus turning the tables on the wife up to a point, is perhaps the closest to making the best out of a bad situation. The best of luck with it, OP.

Sex stopped? At my age? For the rest of my life?

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