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The Nocturnal Bible

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  • 04-07-2008 3:03am
    #1
    orestes
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,972 ✭✭✭


    Ok, since it has been decided that the Bible is pretty boring and could do with some spicing up, so who better to rewrite the most influential book in the history of human civilisation than a bunch of lunatics who never sleep! But they weren't available so we're gonna do it ourselves instead! :D

    So, here it is, the Nocturnal Bible Thread!

    Couple of quick things.

    We aren't here to completely rewrite the bible, just to spruce it up a little bit. Tweak the characters a little bit and throw in the odd segway here and there (and of course the occasional car chase and shoot out). The overall plot of the bible has to remain the same, we're just gonna write it in a different way.

    This is in no way intended to be offensive to christians. It's just a bit of fun. As soon as we are finished with this we're moving on to the koran (well, once someone here reads it of course) and then we're heading on to scientology, but how we can make that any whackier is beyond me!

    So let's go folks, let's create a masterpiece and maybe form our own religion too! :D


«13

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    #2
    AlmightyCushion
    Moderators, Education Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 35,046 Mod ✭✭✭✭AlmightyCushion


    And on the seventh day, God stayed up all night watching youtube videos and eating coco pops out of the box.


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    #3
    Steve
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Entertainment Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 22,584 CMod ✭✭✭✭Steve


    Feel free to use my 'in the beginning' post in lair as a start.

    or not maybe if you think it was crap.


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    #4
    takola
    Registered Users Posts: 4,138 ✭✭✭takola


    stevec wrote: »
    Feel free to use my 'in the beginning' post in lair as a start.

    I like that idea. Alot! :D


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    #5
    orestes
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,972 ✭✭✭orestes


    The Nocturnal Origins

    In the beginning there was bright stuff.

    And God saw this and was displeased so he created night.

    And He said let the creatures of the night group together and converse on a forum.

    And He named it the Nocturnal forum.

    And God saw this and it was good.


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    #6
    orestes
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,972 ✭✭✭orestes


    Origins courtesy of stevec


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    #7
    Sad Professor
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Entertainment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 22,668 CMod ✭✭✭✭Sad Professor


    I think we need to make Jesus more like Jason Bourne. He needs to know how to fight and and drive cars. And the deciples are kinda boring. How about they all get blown up?

    And at the end when Jesus is on the cross, God should send him down some guns.


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    #8
    Steve
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Entertainment Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 22,584 CMod ✭✭✭✭Steve


    And there was a great darkness on the face of the forum

    And God saw this and said hmmmm

    So God said LET THERE BE LIGHT!

    And there was light, everyone squinted.

    And God was banned from the nocturnal forum because He obviously didnt read the charter and was trolling at this stage.*

    And darkness returned to the face of the of the forum and peace and tranquility reigned once again.

    *God was told to take if to feedback but unfortunately the DeVil sitebanned him for a month.


    ** I really need a life.


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    #9
    kaimera
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16,396 ✭✭✭✭kaimera


    orestes wrote: »
    The Nocturnal Origins

    In the beginning there was bright stuff.

    And God saw this and was displeased so he created night.

    And He said let the creatures of the night group together and converse on a forum.

    And He named it the Nocturnal forum.

    And God saw this and it was good.

    And on the fifth day, God created youtube.

    And on the sixth day, God created R*
    AlmightyCushion wrote: »
    And on the seventh day, God stayed up all night watching youtube videos and eating coco pops out of the box.


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    #10
    kaimera
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16,396 ✭✭✭✭kaimera


    stevec wrote: »
    And there was a great darkness on the face of the forum

    And God saw this and said hmmmm

    So God said LET THERE BE LIGHT!

    And there was light, everyone squinted.

    And God was banned from the nocturnal forum because He obviously didnt read the charter and was trolling at this stage.*

    And darkness returned to the face of the of the forum and peace and tranquility reigned once again.

    *God was told to take if to feedback but unfortunately the DeVil sitebanned him for a month.


    ** I really need a life.
    ftr, God has to sound like Christopher Walken or else this bible thing is just gonna be an epic fail.

    yes/no?


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    #11
    orestes
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,972 ✭✭✭orestes


    Sad Professor wrote: »
    I think we need to make Jesus more like Jason Bourne. He needs to know how to fight and and drive cars. And the deciples are kinda boring. How about they all get blown up?

    And at the end when Jesus is on the cross, God should send him down some guns.

    Dunno about that dude. Jesus was a pacifist (I'm pretty sure he made a big deal about that kind of thing) so turning him into a bad ass would be against the plot. We could just turn him into a total wuss and have people trying to kick his ass and him running away crying or just getting his ass kicked while quoting scripture between taking punches.

    We can't mess with the basic plot. This is like an edit, not a total rewrite. So we can't kill the apostles. We could have Judas do a load of coke while nailing some hookers though since he's the bad guy


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    #12
    orestes
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,972 ✭✭✭orestes


    stevec wrote: »
    And there was a great darkness on the face of the forum

    And God saw this and said hmmmm

    So God said LET THERE BE LIGHT!

    And there was light, everyone squinted.

    And God was banned from the nocturnal forum because He obviously didnt read the charter and was trolling at this stage.*

    And darkness returned to the face of the of the forum and peace and tranquility reigned once again.

    *God was told to take if to feedback but unfortunately the DeVil sitebanned him for a month.


    ** I really need a life.

    You're a genius dude! :D
    kaimera wrote: »
    ftr, God has to sound like Christopher Walken or else this bible thing is just gonna be an epic fail.

    yes/no?

    +1 from me


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    #13
    Steve
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Entertainment Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 22,584 CMod ✭✭✭✭Steve


    kaimera wrote: »
    ftr, God has to sound like Christopher Walken or else this bible thing is just gonna be an epic fail.

    yes/no?

    I was thinking of getting Morgan Freeman to do it 'March of the Pengiuns' style.


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    #14
    randylonghorn
    Moderators, Education Moderators Posts: 29,509 Mod ✭✭✭✭randylonghorn


    kaimera wrote: »
    And on the sixth day, God created R*

    /struts

    :D


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    #15
    kaimera
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16,396 ✭✭✭✭kaimera


    As tempting as it sounds...

    Chris hands down beats Morgan in the face

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vNk4K3YaIc


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    #16
    KnifeWRENCH
    Closed Accounts Posts: 11,148 ✭✭✭✭KnifeWRENCH


    Oh Yay, and God did say unto his flock "I hath no mercy. You have displeased your Lord and shall now feel my wrath.
    I wreak a cruel vengence upon thee - ye shalt be reminded of ye're wicked sins by an omnipresent body which burns hotter than the fires of hell.

    Ye shalt fear it. And I shalt call it - The Sun"


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    #17
    cHaTbOx
    Registered Users Posts: 8,011 ✭✭✭cHaTbOx


    When God created man, Adam and Eve were unheard of .

    The real name of the first humans were, Alabaster and Pandora.

    But God was not perfect yet and when he made them he didn’t expect Alabaster and Pandora to turn out to be Nocturnal loving vampire Goths.

    After he made them and placed them in the Garden of Eden, he saw that they feared the Sun.

    God was afraid of being teased by his god friends by saying Alabaster and Pandora were freaks.

    But God loved them; he loved having people to talk to at night, make a hot leaf drink with cow juices (later renamed tea) and bitter and sweet bean juice (later renamed coffee and hot chocolate)

    But God was being bullied by other Gods for not having normal sun loving creatures.

    God had a talk with Alabaster and Pandora and said ‘’Ok, here’s the situation, I need to make day loving creatures so I can get them other gods of my back, but I will make it so if they do anything I say is forbidden they will get kicked out muhahahhahahahahhaah ’’.

    Alabaster and Pandora accepted this and decided to live in the cave that God had made for them during the day and come out and talk to him during the night.

    God had made them special clothes to wear in the dark and decided that the day crawlers should wear leaves.

    Alabaster and Pandora were able to remove their clothing, but Adam and Eve could not remove the leaf.

    This made them frustrated as they could not show passions of sorts.

    Seeing that God treated Alabaster and Pandora way better than them and that Adam was frustrated, Eve started to rebel and ate the apple that was forbidden to them(because they were for Alabaster and Pandora for an apple pie that night).

    Adam and Eve were thrown out of the Garden of Eden where it was sunny into the dark of earth.

    Alabaster and Pandora grew frustrated and God was becoming clingy, so they decided to leave the Garden of Eden.

    God was pissed and was acting like a clingy other half (this is where we find evidence God was maybe a woman)and decided to throw all they could at the night and day crawlers.......................


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    #18
    Nerin
    Registered Users Posts: 10,523 ✭✭✭✭Nerin


    This thread is made of win and awesome.

    this thread pleases me


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    #19
    trout
    Registered Users Posts: 9,922 ✭✭✭trout


    The Nocturnal Beatitudes

    Blessed are those who sleep not by night, for they shall have indigestion

    Blessed are those who expect little, for they are seldom dissappointed

    Blessed are those with oppossable thumbs, for the Xbox shall be their reward

    Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after midnight, for they shall eat their fill of convenience foods, greasy snacks and carbonated sugary water

    Blessed are the fitful sleepers, for they shall obtain erections at odd hours

    Blessed are they that scream and fart, they shall never want for entertainment

    Blessed are the pacemakers: for they shall take a lickin' and keep on tickin'

    Blessed are they that suffer insomnia for fupp's sake, for theirs is the irritation of happy little birds chirping at the break of dawn

    Blessed are the geek ... that is all


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    #20
    Marcus.Aurelius
    Registered Users Posts: 2,314 ✭✭✭Marcus.Aurelius


    On the first day, God created the dog and said: “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

    The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

    So God agreed.

    On the second day, God created the monkey and said: “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

    The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”

    And God agreed.

    On the third day, God created the cow and said:”You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years.”

    The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

    And God agreed again.

    On the fourth day, God created man and said: “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

    But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

    “Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”

    So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

    Life has now been explained to you.

    OR as my namesake put it

    Do every act of thy life as if it were thy last.
    Marcus Aurelius, Rome, 162 AD

    Nocturnal Exodus Chapter 1:

    And Moses the third said unto DeV, "let my people go, to the land of their destiny".

    And DeV, blessed be His name, said unto him "Your people may go, their insomnia makes them worthless to me, they are but shells during the day. Take thy people to the land of the Nocturnal Forum, for there shall they find their dominion, in a Land we the Admins have created, flowing with Milk and Sleeping Pills. Go out from before me!"

    Moses III: "Cheers DeV"


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    #21
    kerash
    Registered Users Posts: 6,688 ✭✭✭kerash


    kaimera wrote: »
    ftr, God has to sound like Christopher Walken or else this bible thing is just gonna be an epic fail.

    yes/no?

    For me thats a given!:D Love, love, love Chris Walken:cool:


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    #22
    KnifeWRENCH
    Closed Accounts Posts: 11,148 ✭✭✭✭KnifeWRENCH


    1. The Forum is the Lord thy God. Thou shall not put other fora before it. (Get out of AH and get yer arse over here)

    2. Thou shalt not take the name of the forum in vain (this means no posting during Flamey Cancer ball time!)

    3. Remember to keep holy the nocturnal hours (failing to report here during the night- that's a paddlin')

    4. Always worship thy mods (but only when they're looking)

    5. Thou shalt not kill the spirit of this forum by being all serious. (I mean like - Yo, bitch! Oh no you di'int! rabble rabble......)

    6. Thou shalt not commit adultery (in this context, means less of the flirting, plenty of other desperate people on teh interwebz)

    7. Thou shalt not steal rays of sunlight by going out during the day. Flamey Cancer Ball kills, people! The only way to protect yourself is to stay in a dark room forever (and if you have a goldfish, you can make it turn white! Coooool! :D)

    8.Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour - Thunderdomes thataway ----> http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=484

    9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours wife (plenty of better lookin' wimmins on teh net to covet....)

    10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours goods (except in the Snacks thread, where you are free to drool all over your keyboard)

    When in doubt, end all posts with a random image.
    maisy.jpg


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    #23
    MizzLolly
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,556 ✭✭✭MizzLolly


    Y'know, God doesn't really mind if you do happen to 'covet thy neighbours wife'. The real God will pat you on the back, hand you some porn (I couldn't post without mentioning it, given my new reputation) and tell you when the 'neighbour' is out so you can 'covet' his daughter! :D


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    #24
    Steve
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Entertainment Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 22,584 CMod ✭✭✭✭Steve


    MizzLolly wrote: »
    Y'know, God doesn't really mind if you do happen to 'covet thy neighbours wife'. The real God will pat you on the back, hand you some porn (I couldn't post without mentioning it, given my new reputation) and tell you when the 'neighbour' is out so you can 'covet' his daughter! :D

    I cast thee down to hell to eternally burn forever for speaking such blasphemy about our glorious admins.*


    *may not actually work.
    ** if it does, I'm kinda gonna be done for murder.
    *** oh shit.


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    #25
    MizzLolly
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,556 ✭✭✭MizzLolly


    SteveC wrote: »
    I cast thee down to hell

    What about my restraining order? :o


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    #26
    Steve
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Entertainment Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 22,584 CMod ✭✭✭✭Steve


    MizzLolly wrote: »
    What about my restraining order? :o

    Well, if you like being restrained.....


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    #27
    MizzLolly
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,556 ✭✭✭MizzLolly


    SteveC wrote: »
    Well, if you like being restrained.....

    :o

    God doesn't like when you put MizzLolly on the spot like that! :eek:


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    #28
    Steve
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Entertainment Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 22,584 CMod ✭✭✭✭Steve


    :D


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    #29
    Doctor DooM
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 25,868 Mod ✭✭✭✭Doctor DooM


    Winnest thread ever!

    Someone do Satan!

    Not, like, sexually.


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    #30
    takola
    Registered Users Posts: 4,138 ✭✭✭takola


    (Ignore spelling mistakes!)

    On that faithful Thursday afternoon, you know the one before Good Friday (What’s good about the pubs being closed?), Jesus whipped out his purple blackberry and sent a group message to the chosen 12 who were destined to share his last meal. Jesus was fairly bummed out that none of them was a chef as he was getting pissed off with the whole “changing sh1t into food and wine” and besides, he had given up miracles for lent. He knew his wallet would only stretch enough to cover the rental of the function room. He had a faint hope that one of the lads may have been paid that day so that they could order take out but it was very faint because they all worked for a non-profit organisation.

    The delivery reports and replies poured in saying they’d be there by 8pm. Doom replied to ask if could he could bring along the missus, to which Jesus replied “Whipped! FFS dude, it’s a lads night. No wimmin allowed”. And so the plan was set.

    At roughly 8 that evening , Trout, Doom, orestes, Tak (Who was a woman but was fiendishly disguised so nobody noticed - until Dan Brown came along and blew her cover), Kaimera, Chatbox, Crystal, Professor , Sherifu, Gavin and Kharn had gathered around the table in the function room of the Nazareth Hilton. Nerin arrived 20 minutes later with apologies as orestes had used all his leg wax and he’d had to find a pair of trousers.

    Jesus sat in the place of honour at the centre of the table, took a few loaves, buttered them, pulled a packet of ham from beneath his robes, generously stuffed his own, passed the ham to his disciples and said, “Take this all of you and eat it. For this is the body of a pig which I give onto you”. When the lads started scoffing Nerin started complaining that orestes had left his dirty loincloth on the floor - again - and orestes replied that Nerin was neglecting him sexually and it was starting to get up his arse. (Not). Jesus cleared his throat loudly and the 2 fell silent. Nerin blushed. Tak was disappointed as she usually enjoyed nerin and orestes’ domestics.

    Jesus told them to take that outside and they both left. Raised voices could be heard for about 10 minutes and then it was silent. Jesus asked chatbox to go and get them as he wanted to continue his speech. Chatbox returned looking quite flustered. He mumbled something about orestes no longer being sexually neglected and complained about surprise buttsecks in the bathroom which turned everyone right off their food.


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    #31
    takola
    Registered Users Posts: 4,138 ✭✭✭takola


    The content of Part II is wildly explicit and it is recommended that you skip to Part III. I have done this for you by omitting the content. To spare the blushes of the the two main characters therein. :)

    (Use your imagination - if you must)


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