No longer attracted to my girlfriend

looking_around · 20-12-2014 8:35pm

Wibbs wrote: »

Then if that's the case, deal with it and health up I say.

God forbid he has a preference for a slim(more likely healthy and more aesthetically pleasing ) partner. I'd be very surprised to hear that when you have fantasies about ideal men that those ideal men are fat. How does that work then? "Real men" have curves? Eh... no.

Just a bit of a diff, there W, male pattern baldness is genetic and there's feck all that can be done about it, if there was, baldy men would be doing what it took to change it, beyond wigs, dubious unctions and a shaved head. On the other hand fatness is much more a lifestyle choice. Stop eating crap and moving more and miracles of miracles you'll lose weight. Put it another way a fat man or woman can lose weight and do so with well described means, a bald bloke can't grow hair on a shiny pate no matter what he does.

Oh and lest this is construed as aimed at the ladies? Nope. Those men who blame "metabolism" and the passing years on the fact they have a beer gut? Nope lads, you're simply eating more crap and doing less. Indeed IMH men who get porky over the years have even less excuses going on. You don't have the hormonal stuff, the potential pregnancies etc. If you're packing lard, it's because you got lazy. End of.

EDIT if you're into the fuller figured woman(or man), game ball. That's not the issue. It's when there's a rapid change and you're supposed to accept that... Ging the other direction, I know a chap who had a preference for the fuller figured lady, who lost the gra for an ex when she lost shedloads of weight.

Its always shallow to stop being attracted to someone you "love" because they look different.

Now if they start acting different, then they are a different person really..but over looks? yes that is shallow.

XsApollo · 20-12-2014 8:37pm

Maybe her plan is working.

"Maybe if I put on some weight this inconsiderate bol**x will leave"

:-)

Fukuyama · 20-12-2014 8:37pm

Venus In Furs wrote: »

I wouldn't tell someone I don't really know though (in the same way that I wouldn't tell someone I don't really know that they're unhealthily thin-looking - it's far rarer, but I can think immediately of two such people; they're not healthily slim, they look emaciated) but I wouldn't say to them that obesity is fine either. I'd just say nothing.

Agreed - rolling down the car window to tell someone what you think of them isn't on. However, the fact that the classic "Do I look fat in this?" question is actually the subject of jokes is pretty telling about how we handle the issue of discussing how fat someone is.

Mary: John, do you think I've gotten fat?

Answer A: What! Are ye mad! No, not at all. You're just as beautiful as they day I met ya etc.. etc... etc... [BAD ANSWER]

Answer B: Mary, I KNOW you've gotten fat. The state of ye. I've shifted lighter fridges etc... [BAD ANSWER]

Answer C: Yeah - I think you've gained around 50 pounds and it's a big issue for be to be honest.

No splenda-coating or beating around the bush. It might bring about some tears but everyone at one point or another has gone down the wrong route in life. When you look back you're more grateful to the ones who blocked the path, told you what's what in plain English and set you straight. The ones who are all warm and fuzzy mean well but keep you heading down that road to 350 lbs and a Channel 4 documentary.

Fukuyama · 20-12-2014 8:43pm

looking_around wrote: »

Its always shallow to stop being attracted to someone you "love" because they look different.

Now if they start acting different, then they are a different person really..but over looks? yes that is shallow.

It'd be shallow to marry someone for their looks alone. But to be attracted to them for their looks and have that change when their looks change isn't being shallow, it's being human.

It's a PC excuse but it's an excuse none-the-less.

Christian Bale · 20-12-2014 8:44pm

looking_around wrote: »

Its always shallow to stop being attracted to someone you "love" because they look different.

Now if they start acting different, then they are a different person really..but over looks? yes that is shallow.

"Shallowness" is irrelevant, people don't choose what they are attracted to.

Reebrock · 20-12-2014 9:22pm

No joke OP, found myself in the exact same situation a few years ago. The relationship ended because she sensed something was up and asked whether I wanted to be with her anymore. Without saying why, I implied no. It broke her heart, and mine, but I'm sure it was all for the best.

For what it's worth, my next girlfriend although super hot, was a lying, classless **** at the worst of times.

Gael23 · 20-12-2014 10:01pm

nails1 wrote: »

My girlfriend has gained a lot of weight over the past year and I find myself less and less attracted to her. I no longer wish to have sex with her but still love her which I don't think she realises. Am I best to tell her about how I truly feel or does this sound selfish?

You do know there's a dedicated forum for relationship issues?

Soft Falling Rain · 20-12-2014 10:02pm

Sheep Lover wrote: »

Throw flour on her and look for a wet patch, it's the easiest way OP

Possibly the ****test and most unoriginal joke ever.

StormWarrior · 20-12-2014 10:06pm

The poor girl obviously isn't getting what she needs from you. You know what they say, girls with rubbish love lives turn to chocolate. Previously she took her frustrations out by smoking but now she's quit smoking she's turned to food. If you can't give her what she needs in the bedroom department then help her find another outlet that doesn't involve food. I bet if you two broke up she'd drop the weight and go out looking for a new bloke.

UCDVet · 20-12-2014 10:18pm

StormWarrior wrote: »

The poor girl obviously isn't getting what she needs from you. You know what they say, girls with rubbish love lives turn to chocolate. Previously she took her frustrations out by smoking but now she's quit smoking she's turned to food. If you can't give her what she needs in the bedroom department then help her find another outlet that doesn't involve food. I bet if you two broke up she'd drop the weight and go out looking for a new bloke.

Would you say the same thing when a man cheats? OBVIOUSLY he wasn't getting what he needed, right....

StormWarrior · 20-12-2014 10:23pm

Who knows? Maybe. But if a woman has a hot lovelife she generally won't let herself go. Also it would be interesting to see a pic of the OP.

Reebrock · 20-12-2014 10:28pm

StormWarrior wrote: »

Who knows? Maybe. But if a woman has a hot lovelife she generally won't let herself go. Also it would be interesting to see a pic of the OP.

Seconded.

StormWarrior · 20-12-2014 10:37pm

Also there's always the possibility that maybe she got fat on purpose to put him off. Maybe she just didn't want to sleep with him any more and couldn't find the words to tell him. He's never going to know until he asks her.

Saipanne · 20-12-2014 10:39pm

StormWarrior wrote: »

Also there's always the possibility that maybe she got fat on purpose to put him off. Maybe she just didn't want to sleep with him any more and couldn't find the words to tell him. He's never going to know until he asks her.

Daenarys · 20-12-2014 11:40pm

I can understand OP. I don't think it's shallow. Happened to me, my ex bf packed it on about a year into the relationship, he got lazy and comfortable.

If he didn't think I was worth making an effort for or he didn't think enough of himself to care what or how much he was eating, then why should I bother making an effort or caring? Join them or leave them. I like to take care of myself so I ended it with him rather than ending up a massive fatty with zero sex life.

The problem was 40% weight and 60% attitude. Taken for granted that I'd accept him no matter how lazy he got or how much he overate.

Wibbs · 21-12-2014 12:34am

Dean0088 wrote: »

You can't actually be serious with this are you?

Back in 1950, people didn't get fat until they retired and even then they only got "old people fat" which is like 20% bodyfat. It's not uncommon to see males and females in their 20s finish college, get an office job and suddenly pack on 50 lbs over a couple of years.

This cycle of fatness you speak of doesn't exist. Save for the small percentage of people (like the woman earlier in the thread) who take a look in the mirror and decide for themselves to make a change, most Irish people gain weight and keep it through beer, biscuits and benevolence of others.

QFT.

efb wrote: »

What's the breakdown?

As Dean noted above, check out old photos of grandparents and great grandparents and play spot the fatties. Especially among those under middle age. Back in the day Fatty Arbuckle was a world wonder, today he'd be noticeable but not that alien in Ireland and he'd be part of the furniture in the US. On the women front, check out the research into changing bodyshapes and sizes over the last century, many based on clothing manufacturers and retailers. Men and women have become taller and fatter. Among women, the hourglass figure which was once among the commonest is now among the rarest. The same hourglass shape that is hormonally better for fertility. There's a very inbuilt reason why men go for it.

looking_around wrote: »

Its always shallow to stop being attracted to someone you "love" because they look different.

Now if they start acting different, then they are a different person really..but over looks? yes that is shallow.

The fact is by piling on the fat, they are acting differently. Just like those men who dial back the romance and attention and yep sex in a longtermer(IME more women complain about the latter than men in longtermers beyond 3/5 years), it's complacency. "I've got my man/woman, so why should they make the effort. After if they loved me..." BS.

Daenarys wrote: »

I can understand OP. I don't think it's shallow. Happened to me, my ex bf packed it on about a year into the relationship, he got lazy and comfortable.

If he didn't think I was worth making an effort for or he didn't think enough of himself to care what or how much he was eating, then why should I bother making an effort or caring? Join them or leave them. I like to take care of myself so I ended it with him rather than ending up a massive fatty with zero sex life.

The problem was 40% weight and 60% attitude. Taken for granted that I'd accept him no matter how lazy he got or how much he overate.

+1, but especially the bold bit, so much the bold bit.

Capt'n Midnight · 21-12-2014 1:16am

Dean0088 wrote: »

If someone get's fat it's best to approach the problem with the most obvious solution the same if your car won't start you check the battery first. If after three months there's no change only then is it worth your while exploring other options.

Wait three months ? That's crazy talk.

What's the point of having AA home start if you're not going to use it 'till March.

zzfh · 21-12-2014 1:38am

long story put into cliffs

-dating slim/fitness model lookin chick

-over 2 yrs she piles on weight

-i put it down to a change of living situation etc

-1 year later (this summer) it got completly out of hand,at least 3 stone heavier than when we got together

-i mention,did you stop doing the gym program we made? as i didnt know how to tell her.

-whole big episode bout feelings and never looking at me the same after saying such things etc

-she says iv been going through secret things health wise (thyroid and such)...i now feel bad

-things are bad between us,on the verge of breaking up

-8 weeks ago she announces i'm going to america for a year to live with family

-amazingly today she s back down to near her weight from 3 years ago

-we have broken up

-women

Nodster · 21-12-2014 2:08am

Quick Q to the OP

When's the last time you said to you're GF you actually loved her?

Tarzana2 · 21-12-2014 4:12am

myshirt wrote: »

Ammm... no... not true at all.

Very universally known that the bulk of women pile on the weight following marriage.

Ah yes, universally known in Crap Unfunny Comedian Land.

Tarzana2 · 21-12-2014 4:23am

Wibbs wrote: »

On the other hand fatness is much more a lifestyle choice. Stop eating crap and moving more and miracles of miracles you'll lose weight.

I really wish people would stop coming out with this patronising, trite crap.

People who gain loads of weight aren't ignorant of the fact. They know that their food intake as increased greatly.

Why it has happened is what needs to be examined, that's when positive changes will happen. Speaking from experience, mindset is everything when it comes to losing weight. Not just trotting out the jaded, emotional intelligence-bereft "Eat less, move more." That's some great empathy there, lads.

Tarzana2 · 21-12-2014 4:27am

Deleted User wrote: »

And as usual the Simpsons predicted this There is an episode of the simpsons where claiming benefits off the back of obesity becomes a "thing".

Well, it's actually that Homer can work from home, it's not claiming benefits. Don't know the episode as well as you think, huh?

:pac:

Tarzana2 · 21-12-2014 4:39am

Dean0088 wrote: »

Can't believe the amount of people who think the OP should tred on egg shells regarding this. I'd understand if the weight gain was obviously a result of some other issue such as depression, loss of a family member, sickness or something... Or if we were dealing with a child or teenager here.

But OP has made it clear - she spends too much time watching X Factor with a tub of Ben & Jerrys in her paws.

Maybe she is depressed?

Tarzana2 · 21-12-2014 4:50am

Dean0088 wrote: »

There's a difference between calling it as it is and the vitriol I've heard during little bitching sessions.

Ah, "calling it as it is". The Jeremy Kyle refrain.

Don't kid yourself, calling it is as it is no better. Up there with the inane "I'm just being honest!" as justification for having no filter between brain and mouth.

Tarzana2 · 21-12-2014 4:59am

efb wrote: »

I know I put on considerable weight when going through a bout of depression

Me too.

This thread is relevant to my interests, hence my many consecutive posts here.

I gained 2.5 stone in around a year, due to going through an extremely difficult time in my life that I am only now really emerging from. A lot of mental anguish during that time. I'm beginning to lose the weight now. I suppose I do consider myself lucky that my BF is still with me because I know I'm less attractive to him.

But that is life. Sometimes things will happen to the person you are going out with. Sometimes it's not just laziness. If the happenings are too great for the relationship to survive, then leave.

And believe me, when someone has gained loads of weight, they know, and supercilious, glib proclamations of "eat less, move more" are ineffectual, at best.

DoYouEvenLift · 21-12-2014 5:14am

I'd just end the relationship without adding insult to injury by telling her about her weight. Somebody else will still love her for how she is so it'd be kind of unfair to waste anymore of yours and her time. She already knows she's gaining weight, anybody would, but chooses to not do anything about it so that's a clear sign she doesn't take pride in maintaining her own personal health and appearance and to a lesser extent doesn't respect or care for you enough to try and keep you sexually attracted to her.

StormWarrior wrote: »

The poor girl obviously isn't getting what she needs from you. You know what they say, girls with rubbish love lives turn to chocolate. Previously she took her frustrations out by smoking but now she's quit smoking she's turned to food. If you can't give her what she needs in the bedroom department then help her find another outlet that doesn't involve food. I bet if you two broke up she'd drop the weight and go out looking for a new bloke.

There we have it lads. If your SO gets fat it's all your fault.

Fukuyama · 21-12-2014 10:40am

Tarzana2 wrote: »

I really wish people would stop coming out with this patronising, trite crap.

People who gain loads of weight aren't ignorant of the fact. They know that their food intake as increased greatly.

Why it has happened is what needs to be examined, that's when positive changes will happen. Speaking from experience, mindset is everything when it comes to losing weight. Not just trotting out the jaded, emotional intelligence-bereft "Eat less, move more." That's some great empathy there, lads.

:rolleyes:

Why does every issue need to be approached with the most tender, cotten-padded kid gloves available?

Again, I'd understand if this was a teenager or someone who the OP knew was going through something. As her OH it'd be pretty obvious if she was going through depression.

However, the most common scenario for weight gain over a year or so is someone getting lazy. We don't need a post-match analysis to discover it either. If the OP is coming in the door every evening to find herself plonked on the couch with a pizza and a tub of Caramel Choo Choo then the reasons are plain as day.

Tarzana2 wrote: »

Maybe she is depressed?

Maybe she assumes she has you man hooked so why bother?

Tarzana2 wrote: »

Ah, "calling it as it is". The Jeremy Kyle refrain.

Don't kid yourself, calling it is as it is no better. Up there with the inane "I'm just being honest!" as justification for having no filter between brain and mouth.

As I've said above "calling it as it is" doesn't mean insulting her through childish name calling.

The OP should be able to be to-the-point with the person her loves. There's no point telling her that she needs to lose 5 pounds when in reality she needs to lose 50. The little mind games people suggest like inviting her for a jog or bringing home a truck load of veggies won't work - like you said, she knows she's fat and it isn't through lack of food options.

OP should drop a bombshell. If it has a reaction then he can invest a few months helping and encouraging her. If she brushes it off or ouright explodes at the audacity of him having mentioned it then he should pack a bag, leave and find someone with a nice arse as opposed to a bag of cottage cheese he has now.

Day Lewin · 21-12-2014 10:49am

OP - what did you originally like about her?

Was it personal qualities, eg, sense of humour, kindness, calmness etc?
Which physical qualities? I mean, compatibility does exist and sometimes there just isn't a spark...but it seems you did once have a spark.

What has changed, and why? In her, in yourself? Is appearance the only thing, or something more - and was that before, or after, the weight gain?

Not all relationships can be rescued: this is a subtle web: but if it was ever more than a superficial coupling, it might be instructive to examine in more detail - even if just to avoid repeating some mistakes.

Be kind, it costs nothing: be respectful - that way you will earn respect. And be honest: even if it is unpopular.

Best of luck!

Penny Tration · 21-12-2014 11:06am

Op, you say she's been comfort eating.

Have you tried to address that, to find out why she's so unhappy that she's comfort eating?

ShaunC · 21-12-2014 11:18am

Maybe you should ask her if she is pregnant.

No longer attracted to my girlfriend

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