One-Liner Jokes

bonzodog2 · 01-10-2018 6:23am

Alternate ending, where the Titanic did not sink:

Wealthy Gentleman: "What is all this white stuff on the backseat of my car?"

Tzardine · 01-10-2018 6:44am

Local butcher was having a special offer. Tried to sell me eight legs of venison for €50.

I said that's too dear.

MonkieSocks · 03-10-2018 12:02am

This Scottish guy goes on a skiing trip to Canada.

After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

After about five or six Whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal on the wall with antlers.

so he says to the barman, "what the fook is that?"

The barman says, "it's a moose."

The Scottish guy says, "fook me! How big are the cats?"

MonkieSocks · 04-10-2018 11:22pm

A guy wants a divorce, he tells the judge

"I just can't take anymore, every night she out until way after midnight going from Bar to Bar".

The judge asks "What's she doing?"

The guy says "Looking for me".

MonkieSocks · 06-10-2018 11:02pm

Two Ventriloquist's Dummies in a Suitcase.

One says to the other "I gan't get out of the gox"

MonkieSocks · 10-10-2018 12:39am

They told me I would never be good at poetry because of my Dyslexia.

I've had the last laugh though. So far, I’ve made three jugs and a vase....

MonkieSocks · 10-10-2018 11:41pm

Isn't it really annoying when a woman starts going down on you...

And you can't find your puncture repair kit?

MonkieSocks · 12-10-2018 11:55pm

"I love it when a plan comes ogether"

"You missed a T"

"No, I'm Hannibal"...

MonkieSocks · 15-10-2018 8:54pm

Man goes into Doctors.

"I think I've got this Bird Flu thing that"s been going round."

The doctor says, "What makes you think that?"

The man replies, "Well I've starting wearing make up, get angry for no reason and I can"t park the bleddin car."

MonkieSocks · 17-10-2018 11:36pm

Just dropped my Mother-In-Law off at the Airport.

Her flights on Sunday.

MonkieSocks · 19-10-2018 12:19am

What do a Gynecologist and a Pizza Delivery Person have in common?

They can both Smell it, but they Can't Eat it.

23-10-2018 9:23pm

A Canadian smuggler & an American smuggler are on a riverbank near the border. He American is down a hole fetching the moonshine while the Canadian keeps watch. Next thing a patrol comes down the river & passes them, then starts to turn back.

The American, hearing the boat, asks “Hey Buck, what’s he doing?”

Buck replies, “He’s comin’ aboot”

“Well duh. He’s hardly going to come in a car down river, is he?”

MonkieSocks · 25-10-2018 5:06pm

Bad news for Dyslexics, on the 28th October, your Cocks go Black.

Ragnar Lothbrok · 25-10-2018 5:17pm

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Bad news for Dyslexics, on the 28th October, your Cocks go Black.

Please, please let me remember this joke when I'm out over the weekend

MonkieSocks · 28-10-2018 11:35pm

A blonde and a brunette are catching up after having not seen each other for a while, the brunette says to the blonde,

"I'm married to Kenny now."

The blonde replies, "Really, I used to date him.

Isn't he the one with the really bad dandruff?"

"Yeah," answered the brunette,

"but I fixed that, I gave him head and shoulders."

The blonde looked really confused and after a few moments asked,

"How do you give Shoulders?

MonkieSocks · 01-11-2018 8:05pm

Just seen a host of pale, emaciated figures, whose haunted eyes bespeak the agony of living death.

That's my first and last time in a vegan restaurant!

greenspurs · 02-11-2018 10:59am

I'm going to a Deodorant party this weekend ................

Roll on Saturday !!

MonkieSocks · 05-11-2018 11:48am

Did you know Viagra now comes in a nasal spray.

It's for Dickheads.

MonkieSocks · 05-11-2018 7:32pm

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Did you know Viagra now comes in a nasal spray.

It's for Dickheads.

The Scots are putting it on their toes, apparently they like fookin aboot

MonkieSocks · 08-11-2018 7:51pm

I ordered some bread rolls that were so shiny I took them back the baker to complain. I went in with all buns glazing.

I just had a row with my personal trainer. Am in a state of physical pique.

I was trying to lose weight but the exercise bike at my local gym kept calling me nasty names, which put me off going... It's a vicious cycle.

I got booed by my family and friends because the fireworks I lit went off in the wrong sequence... Bang out of order...

A playwright walks into an ancient Greek tailors with a pair of torn trousers. Tailor says, "Euripides?" The customer replies "Yes! Eumenides?"

My mate got rushed into hospital last night because he swallowed a vacuum cleaner. Just phoned the hospital to see how he is and they say he’s picking up...

Legless parrot available, free to a good home... No perches necessary....

Last time I went to the airport I queued up at a table with some feathery birds laying eggs on it... I’d gone to the chicken desk by mistak

My mate went to the zoo and saw a baguette in one of the cages. He asked the zoo keeper what was going on and the keeper replied:
"It's bread in captivity".

Went to the pub last night dressed as a tennis ball. I got served straight away.

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.

One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported. We didn’t have Oleg to stand on.
Someone came into to the library where I work and asked me if we had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat. I said it rang a bell but I wasn't sure if it was there or not.

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station and the other a busty crustacean.

Q: What do French people call a really bad Thursday? A: A trajeudi

Why don’t cats like shopping online? Because they prefer catalogues.

Do you know how to catch a unique rabbit? U nique up on him...

Dogs can't do X-Rays.......But Cats can.

A horse walks into a bar. “Hey,” says the barman. “Yes please,” says the horse.

Q: What do sailors use to blow their noses? A: Anchor-chiefs

What do you do with a sick lifeboat? Take it to the dock.

I gave my son an elephant for his room. He said “Thanks!” I said “Don’t mention it'

So we all know that 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9. But why did 7 eat 9 in the first place?

...he wanted three squared meals a day.

MonkieSocks · 13-11-2018 11:13pm

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.

My next sh1t could spell Disaster.

MonkieSocks · 14-11-2018 6:25pm

I was in Belfast Airport and saw a load of people Stuck to a Wall.

Apparently the IRA had exploded a No More Nails Bomb.

MonkieSocks · 15-11-2018 12:59am

I've got my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting tomorrow.

I rang them today to check the time.

It's at fookin ten to one.

MonkieSocks · 16-11-2018 11:34pm

I just spent an hour defrosting the freezer.

Or 'foreplay', as she calls it

MonkieSocks · 18-11-2018 10:10pm

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please"

Two German spies in London walk into a bar, ask for two sherries.

Barman says "Dry?"

Spy said "No, two"

Another Roman goes into a bar and asks for a Martinus.

The bar man says "do you mean Martini" and the Roman says,

"If I want a double, I'll ask for it."

MonkieSocks · 25-11-2018 1:40am

I tried to get into a top Dublin night club last night but the bouncer said

'Sorry mate, you've had too many.'

I said 'What, I've only had a couple of beers.'

He said 'I meant birthdays.:o

MonkieSocks · 27-11-2018 9:20pm

What do you call a camel with Four Humps?

A Saudi Quattro.

MonkieSocks · 30-11-2018 3:04am

What do you call a camel with no Hump?

Humphrey.

:rolleyes:

MonkieSocks · 30-11-2018 4:51pm

I thought the tumble dryer made my clothes shrink.......

Turns out it was the refrigerator.

MonkieSocks · 01-12-2018 2:47pm

Attitudes towards cosmetic surgery have changed greatly over the years.

These days if you mention Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.

MonkieSocks · 01-12-2018 10:49pm

Guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled,

"I have a 45 caliber colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife".

A voice from the back of the room called out "You need more ammo".

MonkieSocks · 03-12-2018 8:07pm

Next time your wife is angry, drape a tea towel over her shoulders like a cape and say

"Now you're super angry"

Maybe she'll laugh.

Maybe you'll die.

MonkieSocks · 06-12-2018 3:58pm

I said to my mate, "I bought my dog a little coat with writing on the back."

He said, "Oh, that's nice, what did it say?"

I replied, "Nothing, he's a dog."

mikefelps042 · 11-12-2018 12:37pm

MonkieSocks wrote: »

I tried to get into a top Dublin night club last night but the bouncer said

'Sorry mate, you've had too many.'

I said 'What, I've only had a couple of beers.'

He said 'I meant birthdays.:o

))))

MonkieSocks · 11-12-2018 4:52pm

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.

She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again

MonkieSocks · 12-12-2018 6:46pm

Hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

Sold his soul to santa

greenspurs · 12-12-2018 6:53pm

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline ............

............. she hit the roof.

greenspurs · 12-12-2018 6:58pm

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home."

I went over. Nobody was home.

Why was the blonde so disappointed when she got her license?

She had gotten an F in sex!

( I hope I created a balance there, 1 where the female has the upper hand over the man, and the other is kinda belittleing the female.... pc/feminism/outraged etc ...)

MonkieSocks · 14-12-2018 5:50pm

I bumped into my mate's wife and daughter in Tesco one day.

Asked the little girl if she'd seen the Peppa Pig jigsaws going cheap in the next aisle.

Thought the mum was going to kill me when I pointed out the packs of bacon bits and left her to explain to her puzzled looking toddler...

MonkieSocks · 15-12-2018 12:56am

Hear about the dyslexic Santa?

Oh Oh Oh

MonkieSocks · 18-12-2018 7:26pm

A very very small women goes to the doctors, and says, "doctor ive got a itchy fanny".

Doctor lifts up her skirt, gets some sissors and goes snip snip, he says, "Is that better?

The woman says, "A bit better , but its still itchy doctor".

So the doctor lifts her skirt up again, snip snip snip snip.

"Is that better" the doctor says,

"Yes" the woman replies, "fantastic what did you do doctor"...?

The doctor replies,

"I cut the fur off the top of ur ugg boots"...

RobbingBandit · 18-12-2018 7:30pm

I told a girl I know she was hot

She asked me for a drink of water

MonkieSocks · 20-12-2018 7:14pm

Who's Santa's favourite Rock and Roll singer?

Elfish Presently.

_______________

News just in - Santa has modernised his favourite singer....it's now Beyonsleigh

greenspurs · 21-12-2018 11:32am

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

MonkieSocks · 02-01-2019 12:55am

I've just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.

I usually smoke Marlboro but hey, a deal is a deal.

MonkieSocks · 04-01-2019 12:47am

I picked up a hitchhiker last night.

He said, "thanks, but how do you know I'm not a serial killer"?

I replied, "It's Ok, what are the odds of there being two serial killers in the same car at the same time"?

greenspurs · 04-01-2019 9:34am

The man that invented throat lozengers died yesterday ...

No coffin at his funeral.

MonkieSocks · 05-01-2019 1:23am

I'm self employed, if you see me talking to myself, don't worry, I'm having a staff meeting.

gammygils · 05-01-2019 2:51am

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for Christmas

I wanted to see her face light up when she opened it

MonkieSocks · 07-01-2019 6:05pm

Before the Iron age..

Everything was creased.

One-Liner Jokes

Comments