Agonizing Last Words From Someone Who Couldn't Take Any More Of Life

Killer Pigeon · 08-01-2011 12:00pm

I have read a few suicide notes put up on the internet before but this has to be by far the longest, most in depth and most analytical I've ever read. He really pours himself out to the world. Of course, nobody will ever be able to know what it was like to be in his boots and feel what he was experiencing throughout his life - it's beyond my imagining. I think people should seek help right away if they feel like this and develop confidence to talk about their problems.

And I have no interest in talking about being raped as a child, both because I know it wouldn't help and because I have no confidence it would remain secret.

I thought this was quite a disturbing part of the article because it showed that he thought that there really was no help for him. I think if you know that someone was hurt like this you should persuade them to talk. If it were the case that someone you were close with was abused or contemplating suicide then you should go directly to the professionals to deal with it before it gets out of hand. I'm doing peer mentoring this year in college (basically getting first years, helping them with the start of college, trying to get them involved in college and help them make friends, etc..). We were told that if someone ever said that they were contemplating suicide or had been hurt in a serious way and hadn't told anyone then we should go directly to the proper people to get them help, with or without their consent in extremely serious situations like this because it was for their own good. Luckily there was never a time when I had to do that. I'm sure there are lots of people here on boards are more knowledgeable and experienced on how to deal with such a situation; perhaps it would be good to discuss that a bit more.

dr.bollocko · 08-01-2011 12:50pm

Hello.
This thread has now been cleaned up somewhat. Lets try and discuss this one without the insensitive jokes. They're unnecessary. So if you can't post relevant to the topic without being needlessly insensitive then don't post at all.
I would appreciate if posters continue to report any posts which cross the line.

coffee_cake · 08-01-2011 1:05pm

hondasam wrote: »

After reading the letter you can't help but think why he did not seek help and counselling. everyday of his life must have been dark and depressing.

He worried about messing up and surviving the suicide which nearly happened.

" He passed away the night of Jan. 5 at University Medical Center Princeton as a result of injuries from his suicide attempt, which left him brain damaged and in a coma. Public Safety officers discovered his body the morning of Jan. 2, reports The Daily Princetonian."

RIP

It says he did seek help and they were useless. Of course we can wish he kept trying, but it's easy to see why he became discouraged quickly.

Poor guy, I can understand what he's saying.

People say suicide is selfish. I think it's selfish to ask people to continue living painful and miserable lives, just so you possibly won't feel sad for a week or two.

qft

Kimia · 08-01-2011 1:27pm

The shame a victim of sexual abuse feels is something that can't be underestimated. I can't even begin to imagine how horrifying it must be to have to face, and it must feel much easier to never speak about it. In some cases the abused is completely manipulated to be a part of the actual abuse so it's not as black and white to them. Those feelings of shame and humiliation prevent them from talking about what happened as they feel somewhat responsible (which of course is completely wrong).

I think that's the ultimate barrier - to admit that it's happened to you and the feelings that it provoked. It's rarely as simple as 'I was abused' and I hated my abuser. The abused may love the abuser and that of course can be terribly confusing. It's a very complex situation and my heart goes out to anyone who has been a victim.

Kimono-Girl · 08-01-2011 1:38pm

Mahatma coat wrote: »

I can understand why he never sought counseling or told anyone. It ALWAYS causes MORE problems and rarely if Ever helps.

i have to 100% disagree with this, i thanks to HSE counseling have been able to turn my life around completely, i am i suppose what people refer to as a 'successful case' and i like to publicly discuss it in the hopes i might just help even one person out there who was like me,

i will be the first to admit when i myself went looking for help it was no-where to be found, family members didn't know how to help me but then i never really opened up to them properly i just acted out, i first went to a counselor when i was 8 years old, my mother was desperate knowing there was something wrong with me but no-one would believe her, at 8 i was able to mask what was really wrong with me, and they declared me healthy and happy, how wrong they were, the system lets people who need help most slip through so easily, thats true, but...

in later years all my problems came back to haunt me after a traumatic event triggered them, one by one i was flooded drowning in a place in my head that i couldn't leave for one second of the day, its hard to explain to others, people just don't understand unless they have been there themselves, but it took so much, and cost so much, peoples lives were ruined by me and the irony is that the people i hurt the most, are those that helped me the most, it is something i can never thank them enough for, something i am forever indebted for.

their actions got me the help i needed, i was in a situation where after attempting to take my own life the counseling service of the local psychiatric ward were forced into accepting me,thye transfered me to my local outsourced clinic, it was there i finally opened up for the second time ever, about my entire life, how i felt, the anger towards anyone who cared for me, the resentment i fought on a daily basis, the hatred of myself, these feelings/actions i could not control, i was assessed and released as an outpatient but the outpatient care i got you could not praise them enough, weekly sessions until i was more stable, excellent doctors who really to this day i cannot thank enough, staff who helped me through it every step of the way.

they diagnosed me as having a borderline personality disorder and i have to admit as soon as i knew what was wrong with me it did give me a sense of hope, hope that i could overcome this dark period and become a normal happy person for the first time in my life, it took years, only last year (2010) was i discharged, but the resources are always there if i or my family members feel i need them, my doctor checks on me regularly and i have to also add the communication between him and my counselors goes beyond their duty's. the efforts they went to outside of their jobs was wholly appreciated.

yes there are many bad apples in counseling services but praise where its due to the cork staff i wouldn't have gotten my life back without them, i wouldn't be here without them.

Wurly · 08-01-2011 1:49pm

I hope reading this changes peoples views on suicide. That the person must be a selfish individual for killing themselves.

What people don't realise is that the person saw no other option and that their life as they knew it was too painful to continue. How is that selfish? Yes, the people left behind will be in pain. But what about the pain for the suicidal person? The feeling that they cant escape their own mind? Should they continue living in turmoil just so others wont be in pain.

Obviously, it would be ideal that each suicidal person realised that it is possible to get past your past. It would be great if they could regain some hope for the future and not go through with ending their existence. But for someone to be deemed as selfish for ending a hopeless, painful life? Bullsh1t imo. Can we show these people compassion, rather than judging them?

Dudess · 08-01-2011 2:16pm

Tar.Aldarion wrote: »

oh god drama llama in here.

On these threads, I much prefer to read certain jokey comments than "Ooh look at me and how indifferent I am" type ones tbh...

Dudess · 08-01-2011 2:19pm

Mahatma coat wrote: »

I can understand why he never sought counseling or told anyone. It ALWAYS causes MORE problems and rarely if Ever helps.

Based on what?

TPD · 08-01-2011 2:27pm

I read that when it was posted on Gizmodo. Sad story.

Dudess · 08-01-2011 2:40pm

Horribly sad - poor guy...

Naikon · 08-01-2011 2:47pm

Dudess wrote: »

Based on what?

Based on human traits. If I ever have to deal with stuff like that, I am sure as hell not going to speak to "health professionals" about it. I mean come on, what exactly will talking achieve? You don't spill your beans out when talking about crime, so why talk about mental health? I don't like that this is the way it is, but society brands people. I can understand why he didn't seek help. I would not seek help either, sadly. "Sorry Bill, we have upped your insurance costs, because frankly, you are ****ed up." - Will be replaced by a cleverly worded euphemism. People:rolleyes:

Dudess · 08-01-2011 3:01pm

I was referring to Mahatma Coat's claim that it always causes more problems and rarely if ever helps. One cannot possibly know this unless one is privy to a huge number of other cases. I've never gone for counselling - I hope I never have cause to do so - but (like anyone) I know many who have, and they have nothing but good things to say about it. The only person I know who found it useless is a friend's sibling whom I know quite well and she has always been someone who expects a magic wand to be waved and problems just solved by outside parties/factors, with little or no input from herself.
I'm not saying counselling therapy won't make things more painful for some - I've no doubt it does, I've no doubt it does not work for everyone, but a person whose experience of it is bad cannot ascribe this to everyone else's experience.
Counselling too tries to get to the cause, rather than anti depressants which just treat the symptoms. And I'm not being critical of anti depressants - I fully appreciate they can be a great help in the correct dosage, but they don't teach people how to be stronger in themselves and how to cope.

Naikon · 08-01-2011 3:08pm

Dudess wrote: »

I was referring to Mahatma Coat's claim that it always causes more problems and rarely if ever helps. One cannot possibly know this unless one is privy to a huge number of other cases. I've never gone for counselling - I hope I never have cause to do so - but (like anyone) I know many who have, and they have nothing but good things to say about it. The only person I know who found it useless is a friend's sibling whom I know quite well and she has always been someone who expects a magic wand to be waved and problems just solved by outside parties/factors, with little or no input from herself.
I'm not saying counselling therapy won't make things more painful for some - I've no doubt it does, I've no doubt it does not work for everyone, but a person whose experience of it is bad cannot ascribe this to everyone else's experience.
Counselling too tries to get to the cause, rather than anti depressants which just treat the symptoms. And I'm not being critical of anti depressants - I fully appreciate they can be a great help in the correct dosage, but they don't teach people how to be stronger in themselves and how to cope.

Trust nobody but yourself;)

Dudess · 08-01-2011 3:12pm

Potentially harmful advice imo - a projecting of your own bad experiences on others. I think it's wrong to urge people to prevent themselves from getting help on the basis of your personal experiences, even if I think it's reasonable to be honest with them about your own experiences.

Naikon · 08-01-2011 3:34pm

Dudess wrote: »

Potentially harmful advice imo - a projecting of your own bad experiences on others. I think it's wrong to urge people to prevent themselves from getting help on the basis of your personal experiences, even if I think it's reasonable to be honest with them about your own experiences.

Who knows. People in general are unpredictable. Best confide in your family members or someone you trust. Not some "health professional". Sorry, I am just skeptical of the general
concept of counselling. It's a great system for compiling statistics, but what about actual help? If the problem is serious enough, I am not so certain of counselling. "Yes but I didn't
mean to drive over the guy 14 times":pac:

Coriolanus · 08-01-2011 3:38pm

I'd have to refute anyone giving blasé advice not to seek medical help.

It may not have helped you, it does help tens of thousands every day, myself included.

This man's letter should be evidence enough for anyone that going alone just isn't possible for everyone.

Cheap Thrills! · 08-01-2011 3:45pm

I just read this sober

(I actually thought it was a spoof last night, just drunkenly skimmed over it.)

Poor man RIP

Mahatma coat · 08-01-2011 3:58pm

the thing about not talkin about it is NOT talkin about it.

It dosent help, you dont suddenly become Magicaly Unmolested, you just drag more people into your Darkness and suffering, there are Pain junkies out there who make a living out of listening to other people pour their hearts out, but they also have to justify getting paid, so they prescribe all sorts of medications and attach labels to you which ultimatley make the situation a whole lot more unbearable and unavoidable, where previously you had been Moody and should be left alone for a bit now you're Depressed and need to be medicated.

NONE OF THAT SH!T HELPS

sometimes, as the lad stated in the letter you wake up in the morning and you cant come up with some reason, ANY Reason, to go and haul yerself out to face the world

Craebear · 08-01-2011 4:04pm

Clearly shows the harm child abuse has on people. Child abusers must be killed, simple as that.

Was a worthwhile read.

pablomakaveli · 08-01-2011 4:11pm

Anyone who suggests theres no point in getting help is completely ignorant and more than likely braindead in my opinion.

Carrying a burden like that on your own can be extremely difficult and it can destroy you.

The letter from that guy is heartbreaking though. It really highlights the damage that sexual abuse can do to a person. The guys life was completely destroyed by some cruel individual who unfortunately will probably get away with it.

I think he should have named his abuser but it seems like he was too far gone to care anymore.

BornToBe? · 08-01-2011 4:16pm

I really wish Bill had taken revenge and killed the guy who raped him, before he commited suicide. He would of done the world a favour, aswell as gaining some relief in knowing that in the end, he took the power. That guy destroyed his life, and put him through all that pain and robbed him of any hope of having a life. I dont care what people think, sometimes murder is justified, murdering someone who repeatidly raped a child is one of them.

I also wish everyone would print off that letter and post it to all those ******* priests who were convicted, or who covered up the sexual abuse scandals in this country, so they might have some form of insight of how their actions effected the victims, and hopefully it would haunt them till the day they die.

I also wish that people will put the times and dates together, and figure who was in Bill's life when he was a child, and figure out who his rapist was. It's sicking that someone who could do that to him, and more than likely others, could get away with it.

Darlughda · 08-01-2011 4:18pm

Tar.Aldarion wrote: »

oh god drama llama in here.

Don't you have your own personal unfunny love-in forum to inhabit with your unhelpful comments?

Mahatma coat wrote: »

It dosent help, you dont suddenly become Magicaly Unmolested, you just drag more people into your Darkness and suffering, there are Pain junkies out there who make a living out of listening to other people pour their hearts out, but they also have to justify getting paid, so they prescribe all sorts of medications and attach labels to you which ultimatley make the situation a whole lot more unbearable and unavoidable, where previously you had been Moody and should be left alone for a bit now you're Depressed and need to be medicated.

There are some counsellors therapists who are just not good at their jobs. To be honest, calling them 'pain junkies' is not really accurate. Like in every profession or walk of life, you have people who are at best mediocre and just in it for the salary and benefits.

However, there are also many individuals who have a real vocation for this kind of work.
No, they cannot magically undo the past, but they can enable you work through horrific stuff to gain skills to cope with life, unearth a desire to truly live again, manage pain, anxiety+panic and develop a whole new perspective, where the horror of the past becomes a strength of what 'does not kill you, makes you stronger'.

Just because you may not have found the right counsellor/therapist, Mahatma Coat does not mean that others won't.

Granted, its not easy finding that person, and can take quite a lot of different attempts and searching which is just not easy when a lot of them charge silly money.
But many people who have survived sexual abuse have found the right person, so there is always hope.

midlandsmissus · 08-01-2011 4:56pm

A testiment to the fact that child abuse causes life long unbelivable hurt and trauma.

I felt the exact same as him. I only eventually managed to free myself by forgiving my abuser - an extremely hard thing to do, but it has given me a degree of freedom from what is a continual nightmare.

When you're abused as a kid, you spend your whole life thinking, "I can't let anyone know I'm not normal", and you spend you life looking at other people, wondering what it would be like to be "normal" like them.

That is the utmost horror caused by child abuse. You know the inherent lonliness we all feel, imagine that multiplied by a million. An abused person feels like an outsider looking in, knowing they can never be normal like other people, and they can NEVER change it. It is the lonliness and isolation of your state of mind that makes life unbearable.

If his letter is even read by one person with potential paedophile thoughts, and gets them to reconsider their actions, that would be good, but is it wishful thinking on my part? Do they realise the lifelong horror they cause, or do they know and not care?

amacca · 08-01-2011 5:02pm

Naikon wrote: »

Who knows. People in general are unpredictable. Best confide in your family members or someone you trust. Not some "health professional". Sorry, I am just skeptical of the general
concept of counselling.

I think I know where you are coming from and it is useful to confide in people you trust/close family members.

But I suspect there may be many cases where they don't have the experiences or skills needed to help you out beyond emotional support etc, if you are in a state..they may not be able to relate to or understand what is causing the problem or what type of personality you have that means you cant deal with that particular problem....it could be as simple as the fact that their lives are just too plain vanilla to be able to relate properly to whats causing you grief.

In that instance it might be better to seek out those with experience to help. . .. and keep looking if at first you dont succeed (irony being if you are depressed etc you may not be able to motivate yourself to persevere)

pablomakaveli · 08-01-2011 5:03pm

midlandsmissus wrote: »

If his letter is even read by one person with potential paedophile thoughts, and gets them to reconsider their actions, that would be good, but is it wishful thinking on my part? Do they realise the lifelong horror they cause, or do they know and not care?

I took a forensic psychology class last year and the woman teaching it worked for the gardai doing psycholigical work with sex offenders. She said a lot of padophiles will try and rationalize what they're doing.

She told us about one father who abused his daughter told her that he was only helping his daughter to learn about sex or something to that effect. Sadly it seems like some of them can't comprehend the damage they are doing which is even more depressing.

TimeToShine · 08-01-2011 5:18pm

I think that's absolutely amazing.

Misty Chaos · 08-01-2011 5:23pm

Read this last night, sad read, to say the least.

I was in a very dark place myself once back in 2002 but I managed to drag myself out of it, I guess my survival instincts were greater than any urge to kill myself. The very deep and dark depression I went through was very unpleasant, though the reasons I got that depressed had nothing to do with me being molested and more to do with me being made feel like there was something wrong with me for being the person I am by family.

To be honest, I still resent the fact that my family even tried to pull that sh!t on me and try and make into someone I'm not because I was completely different from them but enough about me. ( Don't worry, I'm doing fine now. )

The point is, people have a lot of reasons to be darkly depressed and while a lot of them can see or indeed, manage to somehow work their way out of it, many do not. I live in the infamous suicide blackspot of Ireland and I know a few people who killed themselves, most recent one being over Christmas. I know how it feels to be that depressed about life, that its almost worth going on being miserable and just want it to end by any means necessary.

I also know of people who committed suicide because they couldn't find work and / or ran out of money due the what I'll only refer to as the ' R ' word. Not that is a waste of life. Then again, all suicides are a waste of life.

For some, counselling or stuffing them with drugs ( I don't hold such drugs in high regard, tbh, no offence to those who do honestly benefit from taking them ) will work but its not a catch all solution, nothing is. Bill here was such a person but there are always very very exceptional cases.

What I will say for those here who are in that dark right now. Please for the love of god, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I don't care what it is, be it fight through it yourself, talking to someone about, going to doctor, etc. Just don't resort to ending it all, I'm 99% certain your case isn't like poor Bill here. Life is worth living, honest.

midlandsmissus · 08-01-2011 6:05pm

pablomakaveli wrote: »

I took a forensic psychology class last year and the woman teaching it worked for the gardai doing psycholigical work with sex offenders. She said a lot of padophiles will try and rationalize what they're doing.

She told us about one father who abused his daughter told her that he was only helping his daughter to learn about sex or something to that effect. Sadly it seems like some of them can't comprehend the damage they are doing which is even more depressing.

I guess it's hard for any of us to admit that we have done something wrong.

I remember reading ages ago Charles Watson's (Manson murderer) autobiography, and he said he justified the killings by all these different reasons, and then one day he watched a documentary in jail about one victim.

It was about the young lad visiting the gardener of the house who Watson shot in the face. He said once he saw the clip of the young lad's family saying they all curled up in bed together too terrified to sleep, that he finally let himself feel what he had done.

He actually had a breakdown so consumed by remorse he was then.

I imagine paedophiles to be the same, it's much easier to come up with reasons why they did it, rather than face the truly awful truth of what they have done to another human being.

I want everyone on here to imagine for a second they are the paedophile reading that letter, and discovering how much hurt you have done to another's life. How would you live with it? I truly couldn't bear to know I had done that much damage to another's life. I think this is important to figure out how to get paedophile's to face up to what they're doing.

Copper23 · 08-01-2011 6:45pm

It's just a shame some people abuse the facilities that ARE there to help people who actually need it.

I can't stand people using "illnesses", usually self-diagnosed, as an excuse to do ANYTHING they like and just say "oh it wasn't really me". It's sick. Worse again is people playing the suicide card just for attention. It's completely sick, we are lucky there are services for those who need them. Can only hope those that need it are getting the help despite some clowns wasting these resources.

PeakOutput · 08-01-2011 6:50pm

yoshytoshy wrote: »

Tough on his family to have that on the internet I'd say ,on top of the grief and guilt.

you obviously didnt read what he said about his family

Agonizing Last Words From Someone Who Couldn't Take Any More Of Life

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