One-Liner Jokes

marcsignal · 16-10-2012 12:45pm

Rolf Harris was in Tescos shopping and an old woman asked him:

'Aren't you that bloke from the 70's that done two little boys?'

'No' he said, 'That was Jimmy Savile'

Bootup · 16-10-2012 1:23pm

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each other’s shoulders? A scrotum pole!

MonkieSocks · 17-10-2012 11:14am

marcsignal wrote: »

Rolf Harris was in Tescos shopping and an old woman asked him:

'Aren't you that bloke from the 70's that done two little boys?'

'No' he said, 'That was Jimmy Savile'

You would have wonder if all that happened years ago,

How is it only coming out now then now then now then

MonkieSocks · 17-10-2012 11:23am

Premature ejaculation and hide and seek have one thing in common.

"Ready or not here I come"

Bootup · 17-10-2012 6:39pm

How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

What can make you feel really good or be very annoying. A woman's mouth!

If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone.In fact, she'd wipe the floor with them.

Sex is a lot like doing the washing, if you have a small load, do it by hand!

Bootup · 24-10-2012 2:22pm

What sex toy might be a suitable surrogate partner for a suicide bomber?A Blow-Up Doll

SpaceCowb0y · 26-10-2012 3:30pm

Q. what is masculine and feminine in French....? A. armpit hair!

Bootup · 27-10-2012 3:15pm

I was dating a Siamese twin for awhile, but as she got older I started dating her sister behind her back.

Bootup · 28-10-2012 5:19pm

There are two fleas on a pussy. One is smoking dope... what's the other one doing? Sniffing crack.

Bootup · 29-10-2012 12:18pm

What is the closest thing to a woman's period? Your salary, it comes once a month, lasts about 5-7 days, and if it does not come you're fu*ked.

DarrelloSull · 31-10-2012 2:05am

My pet hamster died during the week..............
He fell asleep at the wheel.

Hilly Bill · 07-11-2012 12:52am

Mary had a little lamb potatoes peas and gravy

RustyNut · 08-11-2012 8:41pm

MonkieSocks wrote: »

You would have wonder if all that happened years ago,

How is it only coming out now then now then now then

I heared that Jeremy Beadle had a small hand in it as well.

Bootup · 14-11-2012 7:11pm

What's the difference between a genealologist and a gynecologist? One looks up your family tree and the other looks up your family bush!

handlemaster · 15-11-2012 4:47pm

Free education

Bootup · 17-11-2012 3:31pm

Why are they putting Englishmen at the bottom of the ocean? They found out that deep down, they're really not so bad.

Bootup · 18-11-2012 4:54pm

Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the string on tampons with tinsel. This will be just for the Christmas period.

Bootup · 22-11-2012 8:48pm

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite. All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

donegal_man · 24-11-2012 3:48am

It's 02:45 and my neighbour has just been ringing my doorbell, good thing I was still up practicing my tuba

gammygils · 24-11-2012 3:58am

Failed my Colour Blindness test today.

It came totally out of the green!

Spike78 · 27-11-2012 3:00pm

Sorry if its already posted.

What did St. Patrick say to the snakes as he was driving them out of Ireland?
Are you alright in the back?

miss tickle · 01-12-2012 4:58pm

In these recessionary times, a dog is not only for christmas, it's also for christmas dinner.

Hilly Bill · 02-12-2012 1:30am

Aristotle said - to be is to do. Socrates said - to do is to be. Frank Sinatra said - do be do be do.

Bootup · 04-12-2012 7:52pm

My Jimmy Savile advent calendar is rubbish. The flaps only open from 1-15

Hilly Bill · 04-12-2012 9:46pm

Epic fail.

Reekwind · 04-12-2012 9:48pm

miss tickle wrote: »

In these recessionary times, a dog is not only for christmas, it's also for christmas dinner.

I always wanted a dog for Christmas when I was a kid. Mind you, we were starving and would have eaten anything

Bootup · 05-12-2012 4:29pm

Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the string on tampons with tinsel. This will be just for the Christmas period.

Comer1 · 05-12-2012 6:18pm

Bootup wrote: »

Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the string on tampons with tinsel. This will be just for the Christmas period.

Have a look a few posts back

dxhound2005 · 06-12-2012 2:17am

Dear Sir or Madam

Have you had that operation yet?

Bootup · 06-12-2012 5:36pm

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tipex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.

Hilly Bill · 06-12-2012 9:45pm

old ones are still the best.

Bootup · 07-12-2012 1:51pm

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I have to stop ****, I said "Why?" She said "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

NH2909 · 07-12-2012 7:23pm

woman crashed into tree today right beside where i was taking a leak she said she thought i was pumping petrol out on to the ground.

Bootup · 08-12-2012 2:36pm

A prison inmate used his prosthetic leg as a weapon in a brawl with another prisoner. The warden told the prisoner he would now be denied the privilege of continuing to use the artificial leg. The inmate was hopping mad.

D_murph · 11-12-2012 3:12am

Did you hear about the circus fire? They said it was intense...

K.Flyer · 11-12-2012 11:16am

My mate got a new job as a Rodeo Rider, I asked was he busy, he said...

On and Off...

Bootup · 12-12-2012 2:57pm

When they found out their wives were attending a sex- toy party, the husbands refused to go and pick them up, and instead left them to their own devices.

Bootup · 20-12-2012 2:30pm

What gets longer when pulled, fits between your boobs, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when it is jerked? A Seatbelt

K.Flyer · 20-12-2012 4:04pm

They say the camera adds 10lbs to you..
Then stop eating cameras.

Swimming is good for you, especially if your drowning...

You know Monopoly is an old game..
The Bankers can still go to Jail.

The bank sent a cheque back marked "Insufficient funds". Them or me?

gammygils · 20-12-2012 5:44pm

What do you call half a haemmoroid?

Not a whole pile!!

Zyzz · 20-12-2012 5:53pm

Midget shortage.

zimmermania · 21-12-2012 6:46pm

Is it fair that solicitors are hated just because 99% of them give the profession a bad name.

cazzzzz · 23-12-2012 12:39am

My recliner and I go way back.

Sunnyisland · 23-12-2012 6:32am

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Hilly Bill · 24-12-2012 1:18am

Im selling my python on ebay,some chap rang me to see how big it was. "Its massive" I said."how many feet?" none I said its ****ing snake : )))

gammygils · 24-12-2012 2:48am

How brilliant of Jesus to actually have his birthday on Christmas Day?

Bootup · 24-12-2012 4:30pm

A man was carrying 3 babies in a train. The lady sitting next to him asked, "Are they your babies?" He answered, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints."

Bootup · 26-12-2012 5:07pm

Noel Coward: A man who's afraid to go home to his wife after the works Christmas Party.

Sunnyisland · 27-12-2012 10:33am

O'Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery.
After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand,' shouted O'Gara, 'Does that mean I get to keep the money?'

D_murph · 29-12-2012 8:43pm

“Well, Mike,” said the doctor. “I can’t quite diagnose your case. I think it must be the drink.” “Sure, that’s all right, doctor,” said Mike. “I know how you feel. I’ll come back when you’re sober.”

One-Liner Jokes

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