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One-Liner Jokes

1…5253555758…118

Comments

  • #2702
    mlumley
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 489 ✭✭mlumley


    userfriendly2 wrote: »
    2 mushrooms in a box, one says to the other:"Theres not mush room in here".

    One coffin says to another coffin:"Is that you coughing"..

    Should it not be toadstools??????????????????


  • #2703
    hayrake
    Registered Users Posts: 4 ✭hayrake


    Two turds walked in to a bar and called for two pints of guiness. The barman said to one of them 'I'll serve you but I cant serve your mate, he's f***ing steamin'


  • #2704
    K.Flyer
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,565 ✭✭✭K.Flyer


    Is Atheism a non-prophet organisation?


    "Sit down Nidge" said the doctor, "I have good and bad news"
    "Ok Doc, hit me with the good news first then" says Nidge.
    "So they are going to name this disease after you"


  • #2705
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    What is the most romantic thing you can say to someone in a gay bar? May I move your stool?


  • #2706
    SpaceCowb0y
    Registered Users Posts: 4,094 ✭✭✭SpaceCowb0y


    Bootup wrote: »
    What is the most romantic thing you can say to someone in a gay bar? May I move your stool?

    disgustedmotherofgodx.png


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  • #2707
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.


  • #2708
    Pilsbury Doughboy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,142 ✭✭✭Pilsbury Doughboy


    I entered the Olympics for sun bathing, all I got was a bronze.


  • #2709
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    What do you call it when two lesbians in wheelchairs are in the 69 position? Meals on Wheels.


  • #2710
    Hilly Bill
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,045 ✭✭✭Hilly Bill


    My mate just said, "What's your favourite mythical creature?"

    I said, "Those happy women in Tampax adverts


  • #2711
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    My uncle believed in reincarnation. In his will, he left everything to himself.....


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  • #2712
    Pilsbury Doughboy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,142 ✭✭✭Pilsbury Doughboy


    Hilly Bill wrote: »
    My mate just said, "What's your favourite mythical creature?"

    I said, "Those happy women in Tampax adverts

    I think I will have to use this myself at some stage, is it copyrighted?;)


  • #2713
    Hilly Bill
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,045 ✭✭✭Hilly Bill


    Work away ;)


  • #2714
    SpaceCowb0y
    Registered Users Posts: 4,094 ✭✭✭SpaceCowb0y


    Who says you can't have sex with a personality, i just had sex with a sound cunt!



    ....I'll get me coat


  • #2715
    Pilsbury Doughboy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,142 ✭✭✭Pilsbury Doughboy


    Just got back from a once in a lifetime holiday, I'll tell you what, never again!


  • #2716
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Why did God create yeast infections? So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cu*t once in a while too.


  • #2717
    Pilsbury Doughboy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,142 ✭✭✭Pilsbury Doughboy


    Multi storey car park theft is wrong on so many levels.


  • #2718
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats? Cowboy hats are for ass holes.


  • #2719
    Hilly Bill
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,045 ✭✭✭Hilly Bill


    A backward poet writes inverse.


  • #2720
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Patient : Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me? Doctor : Yes ... you're f*cking crackers.


  • #2721
    1100010110
    Registered Users Posts: 187 ✭✭1100010110


    Read the following out loud, better still, get someone else to read it out to you

    "I am a wee todd, I am a sofa king wee todd edd."


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  • #2722
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.


  • #2723
    Comer1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,077 ✭✭✭Comer1


    1100010110 wrote: »
    Read the following out loud, better still, get someone else to read it out to you

    "I am a wee todd, I am a sofa king wee todd edd."

    Sofa king phu knee


  • #2724
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow.


  • #2725
    RichieO
    Registered Users Posts: 320 ✭✭RichieO


    I was talking to the most beautiful sexy woman but she was incredibly boring, .... so I was stiff as a board and bored stiff...


  • #2726
    donegal_man
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,847 ✭✭✭donegal_man


    Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. 
    Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled!


  • #2727
    vwnan
    Registered Users Posts: 10 ✭vwnan


    i can see why haha..


  • #2728
    Cathalmacan
    Registered Users Posts: 2 ✭Cathalmacan


    TimAy wrote: »
    lol
    that reminds me of this one
    "who's the leader of the hankies?



    the hankerchief"

    Loved this one as a child.


  • #2729
    1100010110
    Registered Users Posts: 187 ✭✭1100010110


    Where does a general keep his armies....
    Up his sleevies


  • #2730
    1100010110
    Registered Users Posts: 187 ✭✭1100010110


    Where are the andes?


    At the ends of your armies


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  • #2731
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't -- I've cut off your arms!"


  • #2732
    Hilly Bill
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,045 ✭✭✭Hilly Bill


    British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!


  • #2733
    useurename
    Registered Users Posts: 318 ✭✭useurename


    whats andy murrays favourite time of the day. ..............around tennish.


  • #2734
    elfy4eva
    Registered Users Posts: 1,204 ✭✭✭elfy4eva


    Did ya hear about Tesco's new range of meatballs?
    .
    .
    .
    They're the dogs bollox! :D


  • #2735
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    A reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last year’s riots.......Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty runs out soon.


  • #2736
    Spud17
    Registered Users Posts: 239 ✭✭Spud17


    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

    Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.


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  • #2737
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    What Christmas song lyrics do transvestites sing while getting ready for a holiday party? Don We Now Our Gay Apparel.


  • #2738
    1100010110
    Registered Users Posts: 187 ✭✭1100010110


    I got food poisoning the other day.................................But I haven't used it yet


  • #2739
    Sadderday
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,229 ✭✭✭Sadderday


    why did the teddy bear not eat his dinner??? .............


    Because he was stuffed!!!!


  • #2740
    Sadderday
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,229 ✭✭✭Sadderday


    brown haired man to a red haired man....

    'here, do ya read books?'

    'yes...... why?'

    'have ya red pubes?'


  • #2741
    Spud17
    Registered Users Posts: 239 ✭✭Spud17


    Beware of Alphabet Grenades… if you throw them, it could spell disaster.


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  • #2742
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    What's grey and comes in gallons?
    An elephant.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #2743
    horrormurph
    Registered Users Posts: 141 ✭✭horrormurph


    so a man walks into a bar with a monkey, i forget the rest but your mothers a whore.


  • #2744
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Why don't men know the meaning of fear? They only know one four-letter word beginning with F.


  • #2745
    Spud17
    Registered Users Posts: 239 ✭✭Spud17


    Apparently Tesco have found a problem with their veggie burgers as well... they found traces of Uni-Quorn.


  • #2746
    SpaceCowb0y
    Registered Users Posts: 4,094 ✭✭✭SpaceCowb0y


    ^^^TAXI


  • #2747
    Hilly Bill
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,045 ✭✭✭Hilly Bill


    just had my first **** since the tesco fiasco it was good to firm, soft in places


  • #2748
    Spud17
    Registered Users Posts: 239 ✭✭Spud17


    My doctor told me to watch what I eat... so I've got channel 4 racing on.


  • #2749
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    I was pretty excited when my dyslexic girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal. It turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend.


  • #2750
    Daveysil15
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,301 ✭✭✭Daveysil15


    What has a pregnant girlfriend and a slice of burnt toast got in common? In both cases you’d wish you took it out a few seconds earlier!

    What’s the difference between a prostitute and a rooster? A rooster says cock-a-doodle-do, a prostitute says any-cock-el-do.


  • #2751
    ScummyMan
    Registered Users Posts: 7,672 ✭✭✭ScummyMan


    Dear Lonely hearts, Irritating male obsessed with religious wordplay sikhs similar.....


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