Deal Breaker in a Relationship

Piliger · 10-08-2012 5:14pm

- Smoker
- High maintenance
- Lists of conditions in her profile
- 'no time wasters' in her profile
- 'honesty' listed in what she wants in a man

Daveysil15 · 10-08-2012 5:32pm

Must be foreign.

HalloweenJack · 10-08-2012 5:35pm

I wouldn't have deal-breakers before meeting someone but once getting into a relationship and getting to know the girl, there would be a few things that would create problems for me:

Religious in any way - I flat out refuse to be involved in religion and if I were to get married and have kids, it'd have to be in a registry office, the kids wouldn't be baptised and they'd go to an Educate Together school, or something like that. I simply refuse to pay lip service to any religion just to avoid hassle, it's the principle.

Clingy - I don't mind going out with someone who has different interests than me, in fact I think it's a healthy thing, but if I'm doing something that person has no interest in, I don't want to be guilted about not spending time with them.

Personal space - I need someone who understands and won't take offence at the fact that sometimes I just need to be by myself and do my own thing for a while.

Galwayguy35 · 10-08-2012 5:55pm

Someone who wants something long term and would like kids eventually but who doesn't have any already.

Was involved with single mothers twice over the years and it was just too difficult, you have a kid(s) who are jealous of the time you spend with their mother and an ex hovering in the backround who thinks you want to take over playing Daddy to his kids.

Varied · 10-08-2012 7:39pm

Kids (learnt my lesson here)
Someone who judges you on ambition rather than actually care that you like what you do.
Insecurity, no baggage from previous relationships.
Criticises my hobbies (gaming and the like).
High maintenance, looks obsessed and vanity.

That's it I suppose, I am easily pleased.

cantdecide · 10-08-2012 8:33pm

Unwillingness to compromise or empathise sums up all my dealbreakers.

jimbobaloobob · 10-08-2012 8:40pm

people with a pre concieved plan for the relationship.

not willing to work with a relationship outside of their ideals.

we'llallhavetea · 10-08-2012 10:05pm

stupidity and selfishness.

CastorTroy · 10-08-2012 11:14pm

Things that I wouldn't want:
Boring - I don't claim to be the most exciting guy, but I do have a sense of humour and like to have a laugh with others. So if they never wanted to do anything or took everything I said seriously it really wouldn't help.
High maintenance - I would assume she can take care of herself but if she wanted me to always take her away somewhere and buy her stuff, then it wouldn't last. I'm not cheap. Just have limited funds due to mortgage and car loan.
Workaholic - One relationship that was a non starter was due to her constantly working late. Wasn't entirely her fault but just didn't work out due to having to keep cancelling any plans we had.

Princess Peach · 10-08-2012 11:35pm

Don't have too many I guess!

Wouldn't like a guy who was super judgmental about drugs and drinking. As in I don't have a problem at all, but I like to have fun in moderation. Couldn't deal with someone who was vehemently against it. Nor could I be with someone who did have problems with them. I don't mind someone who doesn't drink or whatever, just don't want to be judged for my choices.

Same goes for someone who is really anti-religion. I'm not very outspoken about my beliefs, but I couldn't be with someone who was very outspoken against them.

And I like them to have ambition and drive, try and better themselves as much as possible and to make themselves happy.

CastorTroy · 10-08-2012 11:52pm

Those were another couple of things:
I don't drink and there are people that automatically associate that with being boring or anti drink. Of course if someone stuck with me long enough to start a relationship, then they would know the lack of drinking isn't a bad thing. Free taxi! :P

Smoking can be a turnoff, mainly because of the smell. I've met ones before where I would have to make my excuses and leave as the smell was so bad.

Princess Peach · 11-08-2012 12:15am

CastorTroy wrote: »

Those were another couple of things:
I don't drink and there are people that automatically associate that with being boring or anti drink. Of course if someone stuck with me long enough to start a relationship, then they would know the lack of drinking isn't a bad thing. Free taxi! :P

Smoking can be a turnoff, mainly because of the smell. I've met ones before where I would have to make my excuses and leave as the smell was so bad.

Oh my current boyfriend doesn't drink, and he isn't anti drink. But I know some people who are!

Love my designated driver

CastorTroy · 11-08-2012 12:20am

Princess Peach wrote: »

Oh my current boyfriend doesn't drink, and he isn't anti drink. But I know some people who are!

Love my designated driver

If I was anti drink it would involve disowning nearly everyone related to me as well as nearly everyone I know. Was always funny when I worked as a barman and poeople couldn't understand how a non drinker could work behind a bar.

cantdecide · 11-08-2012 12:21am

CastorTroy wrote: »

Those were another couple of things:
I don't drink and there are people that automatically associate that with being boring or anti drink. Of course if someone stuck with me long enough to start a relationship, then they would know the lack of drinking isn't a bad thing. Free taxi! :P

Ditto. Rule #1 of non-drinking is you NEVER talk about not drinking!

Rossin · 11-08-2012 11:05pm

qz wrote: »

Criteria 1: Must make me happy.
Criteria 2-100: see Criteria 1.

Not in the sense that they have to worship me, but I genuinely want to feel happy around them. It's artificial having a checklist of things that a girl has to have before you'll even consider her. My previous girlfriends have been nothing like me. I'm very career driven, but if I'm having fun with a girl I'm not going to suddenly stop because I find out she's perfectly content doing what she's doing and doesn't aspire to make a ton of cash.

Yeah, when the relationship ends I'm sure I've looked back and thought, well yeah, there's the problem, lack of ambition, religion, prude etc etc. But honestly, to have a checklist of deal breakers is putting the cart before the horse don't you think?

what he said!^

_Kaiser_ · 12-08-2012 12:30am

Good thread this.. let's see (in no particular order)

Drug use: instant turn-off. Not even the so-called "harmless" drugs. Social drinker, (non-chain) smoker all ok - although given the choice, preferably a non-smoker too

Sense of humor (or lack thereof): again a big red flag for me. I'm very much a take things as they come type (while still having an idea where I'm going) but I couldn't see myself with someone who couldn't have a bit of craic or give as good as she gets either

Ambition (seeing as it seems a popular one): I enjoy my job and I want to do well in it so it sometimes takes a lot of time and I feel a responsibility to keep an eye on things if there's stuff happening and I'm not there (I manage a small IT team you see). Plus when it comes to IT you're expected to be reachable regardless anyway I've found over the years (but not after 5pm

)

So someone who has some goals in life and wants to achieve them would be something else I'd look for (not necessarily work-related either.. eg: I want to travel the world someday. To date I've never had time + money in the right mix). Can't see myself with someone who wasn't even interested in trying to improve their lot - especially if they did nothing but complain about it.

Tattoos: Sorry, but I just don't like them.

Independence: It's important to do things together (and you should want to) but it's just as important to have time apart and your own interests/friends etc to keep up with. So many people don't seem to get this though.

Drama/game-playing: I have absolutely no time for bull****ters or drama queens. I'm very upfront and direct anyway (sometimes too much so!

) but I couldn't be dealing with someone who's life was a constant episode from Eastenders

Looks: Let's not kid each other, of course looks matter as well - there has to be a physical attraction too after all in a relationship. That said, the size 0 stick insect does nothing for me.. I prefer a girl with curves (though not to extremes either - and I'm aware I'm no chippendale myself!

).
I'm a sucker for nice eyes and a cheeky smile as well though!

EDIT: Oh and height - as in not overly hung up on: I'm only 5'7/8 myself (anyone remember that song "I wish I was a little bit taller") so if it's a problem, sorry.. short of putting myself on the rack, there's nothing much I can do about it. Take me or leave me as they say

CastorTroy · 12-08-2012 12:55am

I'm also not a fan of women constantly chewing gum. It just looks really bad, in my opinion. Especially when they make it really obvious and are chewing like a horse.

Delancey · 12-08-2012 1:34am

CastorTroy wrote: »

I'm also not a fan of women constantly chewing gum. It just looks really bad, in my opinion. Especially when they make it really obvious and are chewing like a horse.

+ 1 , makes a woman look like a slapper imo , that and drug use would be major no-no's for me.

Madam_X · 12-08-2012 1:38am

Daveysil15 wrote: »

Must be foreign.

This kind of sh1t.

Galwayguy35 · 12-08-2012 5:41am

Onixx wrote: »

This kind of sh1t.

If that is the guys view he is perfectly entitled to say it.

retroactive · 12-08-2012 6:26am

I've been with Clondalkin hairdressers and Barristers , from my experience of those relationships, I would have to say my deal breakers would be

-Inability to challenge me - When I go off on a mini rant about politics / economics / not having the right pen, I think it's attractive when someone advocates for the other side. If they were just sitting there, smiling and nodding along, I would get bored.

-Pliancy - Being able to knock me don a peg or two - See above. (I just like argumentative girls)

-Coldness - A girl should like my pets, the zoo etc. Anyone not cooing at my German Sheperd or at Tigers and Red Pandas in the zoo would raise flags in my mind. Not believing in 'love' or romanticism would raise further flags.

-Lack of motivation - In every sense, herself, her career, her life. A girl must want to go out and do things, have fun and experience things. Sitting at home and watching t.v is fine once and awhile but if its on a constant basis, I get bored. This also would translate into her work / educational life. Motivation to further oneself though experience and work is very attractive.

-Lack of imagination - Little things like lying to American tourists about once owning the tiger in the zoo, reenacting the Ikea scene in 500 Days of Summer and other imaginative jokes are the memories that will make you smile at the end of a relationship. A sense of fun and imagination is very attractive

-Clingy-ness - 300 texts a day is a deal breaker and is usually indicative of her lacking in another area of life. When were apart, at least of of us are busy. Lack of attention when we're together is also a dealbreaker. When were together we should be in our own little world, not texting looking over the other shoulder.

While that list may seem a little extreme, there is the questions of nature and extent. It would take an extreme form of the traits listed for it to be a dealbreaker. However, there is also a cumulative effect.

(So I want an argumentative, educated, successful, space-cadet... well that's me condemned to singledom forever)

Madam_X · 12-08-2012 12:58pm

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

If that is the guys view he is perfectly entitled to say it.

And people are perfectly entitled to say ruling out any Irish woman whatsoever that he has never met, when he could possibly meet ones he'd really like, is... a very unreasonable attitude. And weird. The... "logic" of it is: attractive sound girl... oh wait, she's Irish, a no-no.

Bit like dismissing all non tall guys, even the ones you've never met. Although at least there's far less room for variation on that score.

Daveysil15 · 12-08-2012 1:45pm

Onixx wrote: »

And people are perfectly entitled to say ruling out any Irish woman whatsoever that he has never met, when he could possibly meet ones he'd really like, is... a very unreasonable attitude. And weird. The... "logic" of it is: attractive sound girl... oh wait, she's Irish, a no-no.

Bit like dismissing all non tall guys, even the ones you've never met. Although at least there's far less room for variation on that score.

Again I don't know why you're taking this so personally. Yes I have a preference for foreign women, so what? I'm not saying all Irish are bad, just that I have a preference for the foreign. Why is it that a woman is allowed to say she will only date tall guys, but a man can't say he prefers foreign women? It's basically the same thing. It's just a preference.

Madam_X · 12-08-2012 1:56pm

Oh a preference is fair enough - an entire ruling-out though, therefore including people you've never met, is unreasonable.
The height thing is more objective - height is height. There are all sorts of variables though within the entire female population of a small country. I wouldn't understand a woman ruling our every guy who isn't taller than her, either.

Daveysil15 · 12-08-2012 2:12pm

Onixx wrote: »

Oh a preference is fair enough - an entire ruling-out though, therefore including people you've never met, is unreasonable.
The height thing is more objective - height is height. There are all sorts of variables though within the entire female population of a small country. I wouldn't understand a woman ruling our every guy who isn't taller than her, either.

OK I probably exaggerated a bit when I said must be foreign. I should have said preferably foreign, as I wouldn't rule out dating an Irish girl if I were to meet a nice one, and there are nice ones out there. It's just I've had better luck with the foreign girls.

But a lot of women will say "must be tall," even though they haven't met all short men - or even men the same height as themselves for that matter. But again I wouldn't judge someone's preference.

Madam_X · 12-08-2012 8:03pm

Daveysil15 wrote: »

OK I probably exaggerated a bit when I said must be foreign. I should have said preferably foreign, as I wouldn't rule out dating an Irish girl if I were to meet a nice one, and there are nice ones out there. It's just I've had better luck with the foreign girls.

totally understandable.

But a lot of women will say "must be tall," even though they haven't met all short men - or even men the same height as themselves for that matter. But again I wouldn't judge someone's preference.

I've gotten the opposite impression tbh - the "must be over 5ft 8" discussion for instance. But a woman putting that specific figure on her profile seems awfully unreasonable to me too. I don't see anything wrong with judging preferences that enter the realm of preventable discrimination.

seachto7 · 12-08-2012 8:15pm

Not being a c**t would be the main one.

LLU · 12-08-2012 9:28pm

retroactive wrote: »

I've been with Clondalkin hairdressers and Barristers , from my experience of those relationships, I would have to say my deal breakers would be

-Inability to challenge me - When I go off on a mini rant about politics / economics / not having the right pen, I think it's attractive when someone advocates for the other side. If they were just sitting there, smiling and nodding along, I would get bored.

-Pliancy - Being able to knock me don a peg or two - See above. (I just like argumentative girls)

-Coldness - A girl should like my pets, the zoo etc. Anyone not cooing at my German Sheperd or at Tigers and Red Pandas in the zoo would raise flags in my mind. Not believing in 'love' or romanticism would raise further flags.

-Lack of motivation - In every sense, herself, her career, her life. A girl must want to go out and do things, have fun and experience things. Sitting at home and watching t.v is fine once and awhile but if its on a constant basis, I get bored. This also would translate into her work / educational life. Motivation to further oneself though experience and work is very attractive.

-Lack of imagination - Little things like lying to American tourists about once owning the tiger in the zoo, reenacting the Ikea scene in 500 Days of Summer and other imaginative jokes are the memories that will make you smile at the end of a relationship. A sense of fun and imagination is very attractive

-Clingy-ness - 300 texts a day is a deal breaker and is usually indicative of her lacking in another area of life. When were apart, at least of of us are busy. Lack of attention when we're together is also a dealbreaker. When were together we should be in our own little world, not texting looking over the other shoulder.

While that list may seem a little extreme, there is the questions of nature and extent. It would take an extreme form of the traits listed for it to be a dealbreaker. However, there is also a cumulative effect.

(So I want an argumentative, educated, successful, space-cadet... well that's me condemned to singledom forever)

When I first started reading that, I thought you were stating who your employers were, and was struck by how unusual a name it was!

boomtown123 · 12-08-2012 10:08pm

Here's mine. 21 female - single: I perhaps am either too fussy or just attracting the wrong sorts -

Some degree of ambition.

A guy that that can be considered to be my rock - but also be not too proud to know I'm his.

Independent and like his space just as I like mine.

A guy that will know I'm s fairly quiet person and not constantly think there's something wrong with me.

A guy that respects me and not just treats me like a trophy or piece of arm candy.

A guy that doesn't try force his interests on me

Orim · 13-08-2012 10:54am

Is it too cliche that my dealbreaker would be someone having dealbreakers going into the realtionship?

It just smacks of an inability to compromise and deal with situations as they are. It's all well and good having preferences/ideals (which seems to be what most people are describing as opposed to full on dealbreakers) but if I'm going to go out with someone then I think they have to be able to realise that life isn't perfect and sometimes you have to make the best of a bad situation.

mood · 13-08-2012 11:01am

Orim wrote: »

Is it too cliche that my dealbreaker would be someone having dealbreakers going into the realtionship?

It just smacks of an inability to compromise and deal with situations as they are. It's all well and good having preferences/ideals (which seems to be what most people are describing as opposed to full on dealbreakers) but if I'm going to go out with someone then I think they have to be able to realise that life isn't perfect and sometimes you have to make the best of a bad situation.

I agree that some deal breakers people have stated are OTT. However, some are important and relevant. I would only have a few deal breakers ie not wanting someone abusive etc. I won't be compromising on that. Also, I want to get married and have kids so someone who doesn't believe in marriage and hates kids is a no no. It would be very naive of me to think I could 'deal' with these situations are they arise.

Northclare · 13-08-2012 11:09am

That might work for grown up people like you and I but there's a kind of lack of maturity in people with overly inflated egos and MTV reality TV lifestyles :S

mood · 13-08-2012 11:12am

Northclare wrote: »

That might work for grown up people like you and I but there's a kind of lack of maturity in people with overly inflated egos and MTV reality TV lifestyles :S

Maybe some of the poster here are young and not very mature but I would be very surprised if any of them had a MTV reality TV lifestyles. I they are ordinary people just like you or me.

Orim · 13-08-2012 11:19am

mood wrote: »

I agree that some deal breakers people have stated are OTT. However, some are important and relevant. I would only have a few deal breakers ie not wanting someone abusive etc. I won't be compromising on that. Also, I want to get married and have kids so someone who doesn't believe in marriage and hates kids is a no no. It would be very naive of me to think I could 'deal' with these situations are they arise.

Very true, I guess I didn't consider the really serious stuff. I guess it's just from reading the thread I saw a lot of really minor things and that's where my thought process was.

Considering that then I guess physical or mental abuse would be my dealbreaker. But that's when in a realtionship. Going into the realtionship I'd doubt I'd know about it so it wouldn't really be a consideration going into things.

It's an ability to compromise. Even with the kids thing, for example, I don't want kids but I wouldn't rule someone out that did. I just see it as something that has to be dealt with within the realtionship. Obviously it's a serious considerration so would have to be dealt with before it gets too serious but it should still be given a shot.

I think I'm rambling nonsensically now so I'm going to stop

Northclare · 13-08-2012 11:20am

Well maybe not MTV but their totally different to the generation of being in your 20s during the 90s

Orim · 13-08-2012 11:21am

Northclare wrote: »

Well maybe not MTV but their totally different to the generation of being in your 20s during the 90s

Hey, that's my generation you're giving out about then :mad:

Reku · 13-08-2012 1:07pm

Sauve wrote: »

This is a very tough one. I have to say I'd be wary getting into a relationship with someone who had serious mental issues. I wouldn't completely rule it out though, as each situation is different and everybody handles their issues differently.
I suppose I'd weigh up the situation on its' own merits, though I know I'd find it difficult to be a crutch for somebody. It might sound selfish, but I know what it's like to be around someone who went through an extended rough patch, and as much as I was supportive and helped all I could, it totally drained me and by the end of it I was no use to them or to myself. If you care about someone, it's all too easy to take their problems on as your own.

Then again, if you're in a relationship, you have to take the rough with the smooth, so like I said, it's a tough one!!

And yet people are usually horrified that I decided to stop dating, this is precisely why, you're stuck with either dragging them down with you or you're actively keeping them out, lying when the ask how you are or what you're thinking, in which case why are you even in a relationship?

One of life's little paradoxes; were I to date it'd have to be someone with a good heart, and yet who would understand that I don't want them sharing my pain.

mood · 13-08-2012 4:24pm

Orim wrote: »

Very true, I guess I didn't consider the really serious stuff. I guess it's just from reading the thread I saw a lot of really minor things and that's where my thought process was.

Considering that then I guess physical or mental abuse would be my dealbreaker. But that's when in a realtionship. Going into the realtionship I'd doubt I'd know about it so it wouldn't really be a consideration going into things.

It's an ability to compromise. Even with the kids thing, for example, I don't want kids but I wouldn't rule someone out that did. I just see it as something that has to be dealt with within the realtionship. Obviously it's a serious considerration so would have to be dealt with before it gets too serious but it should still be given a shot.

I think I'm rambling nonsensically now so I'm going to stop

A relationship it doomed from the start if one person wants kids and the other doesn't (assuming the relationship is to get serious). Why enter into such a relationship?

starlit · 13-08-2012 4:33pm

@ Mood, I suppose what you are saying which I think if it boils down to wanting different things in life and different interests/likes/tastes even lifestyle it can be a bit of a deal breaker.

Different interests, likes and tastes can be overcome if a couple shares similar or the same tastes/likes/interests as well not just having different ones though it makes each other interesting when there is a combination of that. Opposites can attract but sometimes that can be a deal breaker in itself. Though not saying that the whole yin/yang thing doesn't work like in terms of personalities it can work out for the better like for a couple.

Clicking and gelling well with the person is one thing but all the other stuff comes as part of the package too so one or two things on different interests/likes/tastes is nothing but liking and taking an interest in a lot of different things or mostly different things then its likely not to work out if they don't have something in common.

Rossin · 13-08-2012 4:54pm

i think what mood is saying is not wanting/wanting kids is on a whole other level to having different interests/likes/tastes!

starlit · 13-08-2012 4:56pm

Rossin wrote: »

i think what mood is saying is not wanting/wanting kids is on a whole other level to having different interests/likes/tastes!

I know that but what mood is focusing on people 'wanting different things' is a conflict of interest for both parties not just the whole likes/interests/tastes kind of things as that can be over come. The whole 'wanting different things' cannot be overcome meaning a conflict of interest and not wanting to share the same view/interest.

mood · 13-08-2012 5:03pm

Rossin wrote: »

i think what mood is saying is not wanting/wanting kids is on a whole other level to having different interests/likes/tastes!

Yes. It's a deal breaker for me. It is not something a couple can compromise on.

Orim · 13-08-2012 5:10pm

mood wrote: »

Yes. It's a deal breaker for me. It is not something a couple can compromise on.

It's something I may be able to compromise on personnally. The right person, the right connection, maybe.

As I say it's something that would need to be looked at early on before things got too serious.

Honey-ec · 13-08-2012 5:14pm

Orim wrote: »

It's something I may be able to compromise on personnally. The right person, the right connection, maybe.

You won't, believe me. Even if one or both parties think it's something they can compromise on, it will rear its ugly head again eventually. I married a man who swore blind he was happy to forego having kids, even though he'd always assumed he would have them. 3.5 years later, to no-one's surprise but mine apparently, he decided that he did want kids after all, and we split because of it.

Kids are the one, major deal-breaker in a relationship. There *is* no compromise to be had there. You can't have half a child.

mood · 13-08-2012 5:16pm

Orim wrote: »

It's something I may be able to compromise on personnally. The right person, the right connection, maybe.

As I say it's something that would need to be looked at early on before things got too serious.

I suppose I would think of compromising as meeting someone half way rather than one person going along with what the other wants or doesn't want. Considering it is something I personally won't compromise on it is a definite deal breaker.

Orim · 13-08-2012 5:26pm

Compromise is definetely the wrong word but I think maybe I could do it. But I fully admit that I'm still relatively young and have been told more than once that my mind will change once I hit 30.

mood · 13-08-2012 5:28pm

Orim wrote: »

Compromise is definetely the wrong word but I think maybe I could do it. But I fully admit that I'm still relatively young and have been told more than once that my mind will change once I hit 30.

As you get older you KNOW if something is deal breaker rather than a perference.

Daveysil15 · 13-08-2012 7:26pm

CastorTroy wrote: »

I'm also not a fan of women constantly chewing gum. It just looks really bad, in my opinion. Especially when they make it really obvious and are chewing like a horse.

Well at least her breath will be fresh. I'd take a gum chewer over a smoker any day.

Hazys · 14-08-2012 3:27pm

No1 Dealbreaker - Racism

I think thats probably the only thing i couldnt get over. I think anybody who is racist is a very ignorant person with personal issues and i think that level of ignorance and cruelty would clash with me on so many other topics and aspects in life.

A religious person i could get over, if they understood I'm not religious and i dont want to be pushed to change my beliefs.

A smoker i could get over if i really liked her.

etc.

But a racist is a disgusting person to me, it would never work.

Rossin · 14-08-2012 3:51pm

well i would've thought racism was a given! or any sort of monster for that matter

Deal Breaker in a Relationship

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