The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

fr336 · 04-10-2015 11:40pm

Deleted User wrote: »

They're already home, Where is he taking them? Syria??? :pac:

Joke's on me. For eternity.

05-10-2015 6:34am

Wossack wrote: »

doesnt really work when englands the host nation...

Well, they're going to be sent to Coventry anyway. :pac:

Hagar7 · 05-10-2015 1:57pm

Doctor went fishing one afternoon & not wanting to close his clinic left his asistant Murphy in charge.
Doc cames back and then asked Murphy how did he get on.
Murphy says, "I had 3 patients, 1st had a headache so I give her paracetamol." "good man" says doc. "2nd had indigestion so I gave her gaviscon." "well done." said doc. "3rd was a young gorgeous woman who burst into the room, took off all her clothes and lays on the table, spreads her legs and shouts "Please please help me, i havn't seen a man in 5 years!"" "Mother of Jesus Murphy! what did you do?" asks the doctor, . . . . "I put drops in her eyes."

Hagar7 · 05-10-2015 2:19pm

Chief Executive of Dulux has been found frozen to death whilst on a trekking holiday in the Himalayas.

Medics on the scene stating he should've taken two coats.

Hagar7 · 05-10-2015 2:36pm

Charlie19 wrote: »

My mate Gavin has suddenly died after an overdose of heartburn tablets.

I cant believe Gavisgon...

I posted that joke on CelticMinded.com about two years ago,one of the best laughs in years.....someone recently brought it up again.....

Originally posted by Celtic Rebel View Post
Ano,some right zoomers on here,a mind the time I posted that my big mate Gav had died.
He'd been suffering with heartburn for ages and had passed away during the night,and I posted "R.I.P. Gav is gone."
Three pages on folk were still posting condolences after I said it was a joke.
Then a few got upset and telt me tae feck off.
Frangie was the best though,called me all the B's under the sun after saying Gaviscon = Heartburn.:)

Capt'n Midnight · 05-10-2015 4:56pm

England have a new coach.

It'll be taking them to the stadium on Saturday.

Capt'n Midnight · 05-10-2015 4:58pm

I just found a carrier bag with an England rugby shirt in it lying abandoned on the pavement - I can't believe it's been thrown away.

Those bags are worth 5p now!

Capt'n Midnight · 05-10-2015 5:03pm

Manchester United lost yesterday because their defenders were Young, Small and Blind.

Capt'n Midnight · 05-10-2015 5:03pm

Jesus was very tolerant and forgiving towards people...

Although if he had been born a midget I can't help feeling that they would have made him a little cross.

Happyman42 · 05-10-2015 5:04pm

My dad worked on the roadworks for twenty years. One day I got a phone call to say he got fired for stealing!

At first I didn't believe it.... But when I got home all the signs were there.

Capt'n Midnight · 05-10-2015 5:13pm

England out of the rugby world cup. Kit sponsors VW are said to be fuming.

Capt'n Midnight · 05-10-2015 5:17pm

"Chicken Out"

South Africa: Settling your bill before leaving a hotel.

rolliepoley · 05-10-2015 6:56pm

A man and his wife went to the doctor.
The husband told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

The doctor checked his blood pressure and ran some other tests, then took the woman to a cubicle behind his office and asked her to undress completely.

He asked her to turn around slowly, which she did, and then turn around in the other direction.

Finally he said 'OK, come back out when you are dressed'.

Whilst she was getting dressed the doctor said to the man, "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection either".

Capt'n Midnight · 05-10-2015 6:59pm

I'm disappointed with the new haribo Star Wars selection.

They're all chewy.

moose3844 · 06-10-2015 1:18am

Whats worse than a hole in your condom?.................... A condom in your hole

fryup · 06-10-2015 9:36am

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

"Chicken Out"

South Africa: Settling your bill before leaving a hotel.

frag420 · 06-10-2015 9:41am

fryup wrote: »

Checking out in a sith ifricun accent....

Seve OB · 06-10-2015 10:02am

frag420 wrote: »

Checking out in a sith ifricun accent....

hardly a joke

Mr Tibbs · 08-10-2015 6:40pm

50 Shades of Grey was showing in the local cinema, so two old women decided to go and see for themselves what all the fuss was about
Halfway through the film one old woman turned to her friend and said. Mary, the fella next to me is masturbating. Ignore him he's only a dirty old pervert
I can't, he's using my hand

foxy farmer · 09-10-2015 12:49am

A detective from Dublin was on holidays in Kerry. One night he couldn't sleep and decided to take a wander down town in the early hours. To his amazement despite it being past 2am the pubs were all open and busy.
There was a uniformed guard directing traffic outside one particularly busy pub so the detective approached him and asked, "What time do the pubs close around here?"
"Usually around the end of October" says the guard.

cantdecide · 09-10-2015 12:55am

I was told I needed to get a hearing aid fitted a few years ago but I never heard anything after.

rolliepoley · 09-10-2015 8:10pm

After being married to Tom for forty years, Sally asked him to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said: "You're an alphabet wife...A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks: "What the hell does that mean?"

He said: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot".

She smiled happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said: "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

wilhelm roentgen · 10-10-2015 1:54pm

Two old women were sat on a beach when a male streaker runs past....

One had a stroke, the other one couldn't reach.

Capt'n Midnight · 10-10-2015 8:12pm

The boys and I are going out as the England Rugby team for Halloween.

We're not dressing up, we're just going out early.

eviltwin · 10-10-2015 8:16pm

A sexist, a racist and an idiot walk into a bar.

The barman says, "what can I get you Mr Trump"?

cantdecide · 10-10-2015 9:44pm

*All that time in the gym seems to be paying off; I keep hearing people say 'what an ass' as I walk away...

*Not impossible I read this on this thread at some stage

Qualitymark · 10-10-2015 9:49pm

Indian man gets off the train in Belfast, and instantly two wee Loyalists jump him.

"Where are you from?" says one.

"Actually, I'm from India."

"Where in India?" says the other, with a menacing shake of the Indian's collar.

"Delhi."

The first one shakes his fists in the air and screeches: "That's LONDONDelhi."

silverharp · 10-10-2015 9:54pm

Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So you can tell them apart from feminists.

Qualitymark · 10-10-2015 9:56pm

silverharp wrote: »

Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So you can tell them apart from feminists.

But it's still not that easy to tell them from racing cyclists.

Hagar7 · 10-10-2015 11:24pm

It's a good job that we have venetian blinds or it would mean curtains for the lot of us.

coolhull · 10-10-2015 11:49pm

I could never work in the Jobcentre. Imagine if you got fired! You'd still have to show up the next day...

whatawaster81 · 11-10-2015 12:17am

Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.

rolliepoley · 11-10-2015 7:03pm

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

RoadhouseBlues · 11-10-2015 7:27pm

Not really a joke, but I saw this written on a music poster and thought it was great:-).

Bloody foreigners. Coming over here demanding to know what love is.......:-)

coolhull · 12-10-2015 12:19am

After a night on the beer, Mick and Paddy visit a brothel
The Madame takes one look at them and says to the girls, ‘‘Just give them a couple of blow-up dolls.These lads are too drunk to know the difference.’’
During the walk home, Mick says to Paddy, ‘’Jaysis, my one never made a sound or moved. I think she was asleep’’
‘’You’re lucky’’, says Paddy, ‘’I think mine was a witch’’
‘’A witch? What makes you think that?''
‘’Well’’, says Paddy, ‘’ I gave her a bite on the @rse and she flew straight out the window!’’

dg19 · 12-10-2015 10:27am

what do you call a knacker with a watch on??

A Time Traveler

XplaygirlX · 12-10-2015 10:32am

How do you do the smileys on boards from a phone??

gramar · 12-10-2015 10:46am

eminemlover wrote: »

How do you do the smileys on boards from a phone??

I can't wait for the punchline to this one!

blueskys · 12-10-2015 11:25am

Speaking of music, there's only two or three Motown bands i really like.
Maybe four tops.

12-10-2015 6:17pm

eminemlover wrote: »

How do you do the smileys on boards from a phone??

Like this

just type

SVJKarate · 12-10-2015 11:03pm

I saw her in the bar that night wearing the #1 Liverpool jersey.

I knew straight away she was a keeper.

coolhull · 13-10-2015 12:27am

The teacher asked each child to stand up and describe the type of job their Daddy did.
There was great excitement as each child stood, one by one, and told everyone what their Daddy did for a living.
Amid all the shrieking and laughter, teacher noticed that little Tommy sat there quietly, sad and unsmiling.
‘’Tommy, ‘‘said the teacher, ’’ would you like to tell us all what your Dad does in his job?’’
Shame-faced, Tommy stood and announced, '‘My Daddy is a stripper in a gay club, Miss.’’
The children hushed and remained silent as little Tommy continued, ’’ Sometimes he doesn’t come home at night at all and Mommy is very sad because she knows he’s selling his body for money’’
The other children, quiet and open-mouthed now, gasped in wonder and pity at little Tommy.
The teacher, sensitive to the situation, quickly dismissed the class, telling them they could go out and play.
In the ensuing silence she walked over to little Tommy, put her arm around his shoulder and asked quietly, '‘Is all that true, Tommy?'’
Sniffling and wiping at his tear-stained face, Tommy shook his head.
‘’No, Miss.You see, Daddy plays for the England Rugby team, but I was too embarrassed to admit it.’’

Capt'n Midnight · 13-10-2015 12:47am

Hollywood executives: Four more Transformers films to be released over the next decade.

Unless our demands are met.

kupus · 13-10-2015 10:54am

Wife had a go at me for only talking about football and asked what I thought about Syria.

I replied it's between Juventus and Roma this year

MonkieSocks · 13-10-2015 4:28pm

coolhull wrote: »

The teacher asked each child to stand up and describe the type of job their Daddy did.

Reminds me of this one from a long time ago, hope I remember it ok.

The teacher asked each child to stand up and Rhyme the type of job their Daddy did.

Tommy stood and said:

“My Father Is a Policeman.

He wears a shirt of Blue.

He also has a Badge and Hat.

And carries a Pistol too”

“Well done Tommy” said the Teacher, “you must be very proud of your Daddy.

Then she asked Freddy to recite his little ode.

He went.

““My Father Is Not a Policeman.

He wears no shirt of Blue.

He collects his Dole on Tuesday.

And goes on The Piss till Two”

rolliepoley · 13-10-2015 8:27pm

Dave Smith is on his death bed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home
in London.

He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be
in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

"My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the
banks of the Thames ."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the
extent of his holdings.

As Dave slips away, the nurse says to his wife,

"Mrs. Smith, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such
a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this
property…………..

"Property?”, Sarah Smith replies. “The a**ehole had a window cleaning
round."

UnitedFan31 · 13-10-2015 8:38pm

A primary school class was being taught English one day and the teacher introduced them to the word "contagious".
"Can anyone give me an example of where they heard this word before?" she asked.
A small girl in the front row raised her hand and said, "when my sister had a cold I got sick as well because it was very contagious"
"That's right" said the teacher, nodding her approval, anyone else have an example?
One boy shouted "diseases are very contagious". "Right as well" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else heard this word before?"
A young boy at the back slowly raised his hand.
"Yes, Johnny", said the teacher, "where have you heard this word before?"
"Yesterday miss" replied Johnny. I walked home from school and noticed that the lawn had been cut. When i walked inside I asked my mum, "who cut the lawn?" and my mum said,
"Your father did, but it took the c*nt ages"

Capt'n Midnight · 17-10-2015 12:23am

I've just been given two weeks to live.

The wife's gone away for a fortnight.

Capt'n Midnight · 17-10-2015 12:28am

My wife just called me.

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

Notavirus.exe · 17-10-2015 12:36am

I know a place where everyone is dying to go!

[Insert name of local cemetery here]

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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