The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

podgemonster · 24-08-2012 5:20pm

Seáns best friend in the world is his pet duck, Duckie. They spend everyday together, paddling etc... One day, Sean's Dad announced that he has got a job in America and the family are moving.

The family have fierce trouble with Duckie and emmigration. As they could not take him, the family decide, Duckie would have to be left behind. The airport is very sad. Tears everywhere, not sure if a Duck can cry now but he was crying on the inside.

Sean waves out at Duckie from the airplane as it taxis along the runway. Duckie then realises that "feic it, im a duck" and start flapping his wings and flys next to the wing of the plane. Sean looks out the window and goes "Oh my god, its Duckie". The whole family cant believe it as they ascend into the air. For the rest of the flight the whole plane are looking out the window at Duckie, everyone cheering him on. The captain announces everyone to see this amazing duck. Everyone is looking out the left wing, inspired by this brave duck and his love for Sean.

Now only a few minutes from JKF airport New York, Sean notices Duckie is starting to tire, so he goes "Come on Duckie", the whole crowd start cheering. Duckies gets a new burst of life.
Just then a bright pink brick shoots up into the air and kills Duckie.

3ndahalfof6 · 24-08-2012 5:23pm

whats red and sits in the corner, a baby chewing glass,

whats green and sits in the corner the baby six months later.

barone · 25-08-2012 10:46pm

So Lance and Neil have had a bad week.

Let's hope their brother Stretch emerges from this tough time unscathed

barone · 25-08-2012 10:46pm

...

Capt'n Midnight · 26-08-2012 12:22am

I've finally achieved my ambition of winning the Tour de France as many times as Lance Armstrong.

splendid101 · 26-08-2012 5:14pm

podgemonster wrote: »

An Irishman is on the lash in New York City. After a nice pub crawl he tries to get into a NightClub but is refused by the bouncers. The Irish guy begs for the bouncer to let him in.

Amused the bouncer (who is a part time magician) said "Lets make a deal, I will perform a magic trick and if it doesnt work, you can go in"
"Right, what is it then?" asked the Paddy
The bouncer pulls out a heavy bright pink brick. "I will hold this brick out in the palm of my hand, and I will count from 1 to 10, when i get to 10 the brick will shoot up into the air"
The Irishman laughs "ha, thats impossible, no way you can do that"

The bouncer starts counting "1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-TEN!!!

The brick shoots up into the air and disappears.

Excuse me, what the f*ck are you talking about?

mauzo · 26-08-2012 5:19pm

splendid101 wrote: »

Excuse me, what the f*ck are you talking about?

Dont tell me you dont get it!??? :eek:

beertons · 26-08-2012 5:19pm

Look at the duck joke a few posts up!

Savage Tyrant · 26-08-2012 5:49pm

How will Neil Armstrong's coffin be carried?

Small steps, four men.

roy rodgers · 26-08-2012 11:27pm

Did ya hear about the fellow that had no legs???!!

He was arse-ing around!!!

Colmustard · 27-08-2012 12:15am

My girlfriend is on the new banana diet.

She hasn't lost much wait but by heavens can she climb.

tayto lover · 27-08-2012 12:17am

roy rodgers wrote: »

Did ya hear about the fellow that had no legs???!!

He was arse-ing around!!!

And that's the best joke you ever heard? Have you been living in a convent?

3ndahalfof6 · 27-08-2012 12:20am

tayto lover wrote: »

And that's the best joke you ever heard? Have you been living in a convent?

Ya if their a witch like.

allibastor · 27-08-2012 12:57pm

A doctor in the deep south of the US was called out to a crime scene.

the Victim, a black youth was found on the ground, he had tire marks all over his back, had suffered 14 stab wounds, 18 bullets holes, damage to his throat, broken legs, broken arms and a broken nose.

when pronouncing how the poor man dies the doctor replied, "well in all my long years of service this has to be the worst case of suicide i have ever seen."

Ted! · 27-08-2012 1:28pm

Jesus is up on the cross being crucified, with a large crowd of onlookers beneath him down the hill.

Jesus looks down and calls out: “John! Where’s John the baptist?”

John comes running out of the crowd shouting, “it’s me lord, I’m coming!”

Just as John makes it up the hill, the group of roman soldiers guarding the hill beat John up and throw him back down the hill.

Jesus calls out again: “John! Where’s John the baptist?”

John struggles to his feet and limps up the hill, but the soldiers beat him back down yet again, beating him with clubs.

Jesus yet again calls out: “John! Where’s John the baptist?”

John staggers to his feet, crawls up the hill as he receives more kicks and blows but this time just about makes it up past the soldiers to where he falls at Jesus's feet and proclaims: “It is I lord, it’s John, what do you need, Lord?”

Jesus looks down and says: “Hey John, I can see your house from up here!”

--Kaiser-- · 27-08-2012 2:10pm

A guy walks into a bar at the top floor of large skyscraper and asks for a strong one. He drinks up and asks for another one. After quite a lot of drinks he walks over to a table where there are two men sitting, talking and drinking. "I'll bet you guys 5000 bucks I can jump out that window and land safely on street below!"
The two men look at each other then agree to accept the bet. So the drunk walks to the window and jumps out. The two men can hardly believe their own eyes when they see him land safely on the street and again enter the building. "How'd you do it?!" they ask in amazement when he enters the bar again.
"Well, you see." the drunk replies. "There is this ventilation shaft straight below this window, and the stream of air is so strong, it slows you down enough to land safely on the grid. Why don't you try it yourselves?"
So, both the men hurry to the window and jump out, facing certain death as they hit the street at high speed.
At this point, the bartender walks up to the drunk and says: "You know what, Superman? You can be a real bastard when you're drunk!"

Conall Cernach · 27-08-2012 2:59pm

Ted! wrote: »

Jesus is up on the cross being crucified, with a large crowd of onlookers beneath him down the hill.

Jesus looks down and calls out: “John! Where’s John the baptist?”

John comes running out of the crowd shouting, “it’s me lord, I’m coming!”

Just as John makes it up the hill, the group of roman soldiers guarding the hill beat John up and throw him back down the hill.

Jesus calls out again: “John! Where’s John the baptist?”

John struggles to his feet and limps up the hill, but the soldiers beat him back down yet again, beating him with clubs.

Jesus yet again calls out: “John! Where’s John the baptist?”

John staggers to his feet, crawls up the hill as he receives more kicks and blows but this time just about makes it up past the soldiers to where he falls at Jesus's feet and proclaims: “It is I lord, it’s John, what do you need, Lord?”

Jesus looks down and says: “Hey John, I can see your house from up here!”

Heard much the same joke about 30 years ago only with Peter instead of John The Baptist and the punch line was "Save me an Easter Egg I'll be back on Sunday."

podgemonster · 27-08-2012 3:04pm

Irishman, Frenchman, Scotsman, Japanese man and an Italian all land together in Heathrow and start looking for work. Neither man has much education or experience and intend on earning some money by labouring.

They all happen upon a building site in the East end of London and introduce themselves to the foreman. The foreman says he has enough workers thank you very much but the lads persist and the foreman relents and offers them one days work to test them out.

The foreman brings them over to a place where there is a large pile of Sand and bits of Rubble. The foreman points to the Irish man, who has big farmer hands and say "Right Paddy, you can carry the large pieces of rubble off to the dump at the other side of the site". Turning to the Scotsman, also a well built man "Right Scottie, you shovel that pile of sand 10 ft to the left to make way for the lorry coming in tomorrow". Foreman turns to the Italian who is well kept and well dressed "Italian, you keep the area clean and brush up any loose sand". He turns to the Japanese man, small weedy man, " Yoko, you just look after the supplies". He then turns to the French man with a large belly, "Pierre, you make sure everyone got enough tea and sandwiches to keep going"

The next day the foreman arrives to find the sand and rubble untouched. He sees the Frenchman is leaning against a wall, "Why arent you making Lunch" he asked. "How can I? I have no utensils or kettle". The foreman then sees the Scotsman sitting on the ground "Why are you moving the sand?" booms the foreman. "How can I?" He says, "sure I have no shovel?"
The Italian is lying on the Sandpit, "why aren't you shoveling" asks the foreman. "No brush" replys the Italian. The foreman looks over at the Paddy smoking by rubble, Furious he asked "you havent moved any bloody rubble". "No wheelbarrow Mister Foreman". The foreman now both bewildered and furious screams "Where the bloody hell is the Japanese lad?"

Just then the Japanese lad leaps out from behind the Sandpit and yells "SUPPLISE!!!!"

kev1.3s · 27-08-2012 3:05pm

mauzo wrote: »

splendid101 wrote: »

Excuse me, what the f*ck are you talking about?

Dont tell me you dont get it!??? :eek:

Sitting on the bus and I really lol'd there!

saiint · 27-08-2012 3:15pm

kev1.3s wrote: »

Sitting on the bus and I really lol'd there!

i dont get it either:o

never mind read the duck one

deathrider · 27-08-2012 3:21pm

I've read the first post, and to be honest, it's really not the best joke I've ever heard... :pac:

mathie · 27-08-2012 3:24pm

deathrider wrote: »

I've read the first post, and to be honest, it's really not the best joke I've ever heard... :pac:

Don't read past it.
This whole thread is one big refried turd.

Colmustard · 27-08-2012 3:29pm

A married couple go to a doctor asking why can't the wife climax during sex.

The doctor suggests using a fan to cool her down.

But he is to stingy to buy a fan, and gets his mate to wave a towel.

Still no climax, so he says to his mate you ride her and I will shake the towel

So his mate start riding her and she yelps, screams in pleasure and has a multi orgasm

And the husband says "you see boyo that is how you wave a towel".

--Kaiser-- · 27-08-2012 3:31pm

podgemonster wrote: »

Irishman, Frenchman, Scotsman, Japanese man and an Italian all land together in Heathrow and start looking for work. Neither man has much education or experience and intend on earning some money by labouring.

They all happen upon a building site in the East end of London and introduce themselves to the foreman. The foreman says he has enough workers thank you very much but the lads persist and the foreman relents and offers them one days work to test them out.

The foreman brings them over to a place where there is a large pile of Sand and bits of Rubble. The foreman points to the Irish man, who has big farmer hands and say "Right Paddy, you can carry the large pieces of rubble off to the dump at the other side of the site". Turning to the Scotsman, also a well built man "Right Scottie, you shovel that pile of sand 10 ft to the left to make way for the lorry coming in tomorrow". Foreman turns to the Italian who is well kept and well dressed "Italian, you keep the area clean and brush up any loose sand". He turns to the Japanese man, small weedy man, " Yoko, you make sure everyone has what they need, all the equipment is in a shed to the back of the Sand pile, you look after the supplies". He then turns to the French man with a large belly, "Pierre, you make sure everyone got enough tea and sandwiches to keep going"

The next day the foreman arrives to find the sand and rubble untouched. He sees the Frenchman is leaning against a wall, "Why arent you making Lunch" he asked. "How can I? I have no utensils or kettle". The foreman then sees the Scotsman sitting on the ground "Why are you moving the sand?" booms the foreman. "How can I?" He says, "sure I have no shovel?"
The Italian is lying on the Sandpit, "why aren't you shoveling" asks the foreman. "No brush" replys the Italian. The foreman looks over at the Paddy smoking by rubble, Furious he asked "you havent moved any bloody rubble". "No wheelbarrow Mister Foreman". The foreman now both bewildered and furious screams "Where the bloody hell is the Japanese lad?"

Just then the Japanese lad leaps out from behind the Sandpit and yells "SUPPLIES!!!!"

This is the worst telling of any joke I've ever encountered, well done.
I modified so it actually makes sense and is funny

hardCopy · 27-08-2012 3:42pm

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

This is the worst telling of any joke I've ever encountered, well done.
I modified so it actually makes sense and is funny

This is the funniest thing in the thread, kudos to Kaiser

Laika1986 · 27-08-2012 3:44pm

It's been a tough week for the Armstrongs I really hope Stretch is ok

podgemonster · 27-08-2012 4:02pm

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

This is the worst telling of any joke I've ever encountered, well done.
I modified so it actually makes sense and is funny

Oh jaysus, well spotted made a pigs nose of that

podgemonster · 27-08-2012 4:03pm

-del-

Sindri · 27-08-2012 8:04pm

Julius Caesar and Brutus were walking back from the Senate one night. They were the best of friends and usually walked back from the senate together.
As they reached the steps to Brutus's apartments, they said goodnight and Brutus walked in to go to sleep. Brutus collected Smarties and every night before he went to sleep he used to count them. He had collected 3,344. He'd start at 1 and count all the way to 3,344. Content that his Smarties were safe he could sleep soundly.

So one day Brutus came back to his apartment and before sleeping he, as usual, began to count his Smarties. He counted, '3,339, 3,340, 3,341,' but no 3,342, 3,343 or 3,344. He was confused so he counted them again. But again he only counted, '3,339, 3,340, 3,341'. He was angry and didn't know what to do but just then the boys from the Senate came up to Brutus and said, 'Are you coming down to the Senate Brutus? We're going to go down and sort this Julius Caesar out.'

Brutus thought for a moment and said that he was.

So the lads went down to Senate and they each, one by one, stepped forward and stabbed Julius. Brutus though was the last to step forward. As he did so Julius, saddened to see his best friend step forward, said in a rasping whisper, lying on the floor on his back, 'Et tu, Brutus? Et tu?'

To which Brutus replied,' No ye didn't you dirty fucker, ye ate 3!'

allibastor · 28-08-2012 8:40am

Paddy Irishman Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman had just survived a terrible plane crash by jumping out of the plane as it fell from the sky. They dropped into a remote jungle where all three believed they were safe. Not so. A jungle tribe takes them to their camp where they are intended to be the main meal at a feast for the chief.

When the three men meet the chief they all plead for their lives, so the chief being a man of great pity says this" If you can go into the jungle and find 100 of any fruit, stick it up your bum, you can go free"

The three head into the jungle looking for what might be useful. after a few hours Paddy Englishman Returns, 100 Blueberries in hand. He shoves them up his bum where the chief is delights and says he is free.

Paddy Irishman is the next back, where he has 100 small red berries. He tries to console himself when back at camp, so much so Paddy English man asks him what is so funny. He replies " i have just passed Paddy Scotmans on the way back with 100 coconuts"

lorrieq · 28-08-2012 11:12am

What do you do when you come across a tiger?

Wipe it off and apologise.

That_Guy · 28-08-2012 12:07pm

Our TV screens seem to be constantly filled with images of starving Africans, usually with swarms of flies buzzing around them. Why don't they just eat the flies?

Dun laoire · 28-08-2012 12:12pm

Sauna full of carrots and coal

stupid snowmen

summerskin · 28-08-2012 12:14pm

Can someone rename this thread "worst jokes ye have ever heard"?

--Kaiser-- · 28-08-2012 3:37pm

Paddy and Joe are looking for work when they see a sign that reads: "TREE FELLERS WANTED."

"Oh just take a look at that," said Paddy: "What a pity there's only the two of us."

Jimmy Macnulty · 28-08-2012 3:45pm

That_Guy wrote: »

Our TV screens seem to be constantly filled with images of starving Africans, usually with swarms of flies buzzing around them. Why don't they just eat the flies?

Not cool

3rdDegree · 28-08-2012 6:39pm

A white man was exploring the jungle with a number of local guides when they came into a clearing and were confronted by a bunch of very mean and angry looking natives. The natives proceeded to viciously attach and kill the white man's guides. Once all the guides have been slaughtered, the tribe surround and stare menacingly at the man.

He looks heavenly and sighs, "Christ, I'm f*cked now!".

Suddenly the clouds part above him and a voice speaks "No you're not! See that rock in front of you? Pick it and batter their leader to death".

The man promptly picks up the rock and stuns the natives by savagely battering their leader to death.

Exhausted, he drops the rock and the voice from above comes again "Now you're f*cked".

3rdDegree · 28-08-2012 6:44pm

What do you do if a Rottweiler is rogering your leg?

Fake an orgasm.

JessicaRabbit · 30-08-2012 11:47pm

An Irish contestant on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? Doesn't know the answer. Chris Tarrant says: "Don't forget you've got 50/50, ask the audience and phone a friend. The Irishman says: "I'll phone a friend please Chris."
He gets on the phone and says: "Seamus, i just want to ask you, do you think I should do 50/50 or ask the audience?"

Gracelessly Tom · 03-09-2012 2:57pm

Man comes home from work and walks into the TV room, flicks on the box, turns to his wife and says
"Quick honey, get me a beer before it starts"
After taking the beer and drinking it down he again turns to her and says
"Quick, quick, grab me another beer before it starts."
At this point the wife turns angrily and says
"If you think you're just gonna sit here drinking and watching tv all night..."
"Too late" he says "It's already started"

Tommytwotimes · 03-09-2012 2:59pm

What do gay cows eat?

Haaaay...

J Cheever Loophole · 03-09-2012 11:14pm

There's a woman who has moved into our street recently and has started organising botox parties.

It's raising a lot of eyebrows!!

starfish90 · 03-09-2012 11:32pm

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It went down the road and turned into a field.

tommyboy2222 · 06-09-2012 7:19pm

I can't wait for the annual insomnia convention in three weeks!

0 more sleeps!

ynul31f47k6b59 · 06-09-2012 11:41pm

allibastor wrote: »

Paddy Irishman Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman had just survived a terrible plane crash by jumping out of the plane as it fell from the sky. They dropped into a remote jungle where all three believed they were safe. Not so. A jungle tribe takes them to their camp where they are intended to be the main meal at a feast for the chief.

When the three men meet the chief they all plead for their lives, so the chief being a man of great pity says this" If you can go into the jungle and find 100 of any fruit, stick it up your bum, you can go free"

The three head into the jungle looking for what might be useful. after a few hours Paddy Englishman Returns, 100 Blueberries in hand. He shoves them up his bum where the chief is delights and says he is free.

Paddy Irishman is the next back, where he has 100 small red berries. He tries to console himself when back at camp, so much so Paddy English man asks him what is so funny. He replies " i have just passed Paddy Scotmans on the way back with 100 coconuts"

The way I heard this:

Paddy Irishman is next, where he has 100 small red berries. He manages to shove 99 up his bum but bursts out laughing before he has a chance to put the last one up.

Back at camp, Paddy Englishman says - "Why did you laugh, you almost had it!" Paddy Irishman replies "I couldn't help it, I saw the other lad coming with pineapples".

:cool:

falan · 08-09-2012 11:49am

My new girlfriend and i went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film.
Our dates so far can be summarised as follows.....dinner,dinner,dinner,dinner,dinner,dinner,dinner,dinner, Batman..

patmac · 08-09-2012 1:28pm

I'm just back from hospital after having a mole removed from my penis.

The doctors are pleased with the way it went, but the ISPCA say that if it happens again they will prosecute me!

Copper_pipe · 08-09-2012 1:54pm

what should you do with a years supply of used condoms?

Melt them down into a tyre and call it a goodyear

Canard · 08-09-2012 7:06pm

There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

fasttalkerchat · 08-09-2012 7:41pm

Patchy~ wrote: »

There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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