The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

MonkieSocks · 23-09-2015 9:50pm

I won my first cage fight last night!

The fookin budgie didn't know what hit it!

banjobongo · 24-09-2015 10:01am

They are making a new movie about the Volkswagon scandel. Tom Cruise is going to star in it. It will be called Emission Impossible.

Seve OB · 24-09-2015 10:09am

Man walks into a bar with a lump of tarmac under his arm.
Say's to the bar man, "give us a pint please"
"Oh, and I'll have one for the road"

Capt'n Midnight · 24-09-2015 6:00pm

A strip of tarmac goes into the pub and orders a pint. After serving him, the barman asks if he wants to join his mate in the corner. Sitting in the corner is a strip of red tarmac.

The strip of tarmac shakes his head violently: "I'm not going near him" it says, "he's a cyclepath!"

Capt'n Midnight · 24-09-2015 6:11pm

I was looking for a runaround for the wife and the salesman showed me an old Ford Fiesta. He started it up and the exhaust blew a gust of black sooty smoke.

"There's a lot of fumes, " I said to him.

"Yes, " he said, "just like a Golf. "

Capt'n Midnight · 24-09-2015 6:14pm

Volkswagen senior management appear quite calm as they face this testing time.

Inside though, they're secretly fuming.

M5 · 24-09-2015 9:26pm

Dard23 wrote: »

I was full sure that was going to be "they've both had miss piggy!"

I had read do many of those I found the misdirection hilarious!

johnny osbourne · 24-09-2015 10:45pm

one alone,

that is noty nice

but; ona alone, and the with another one and then alone again,

that is nice,

(translated from german)

ectoraige · 25-09-2015 1:27pm

johnny osbourne wrote: »

one alone,

that is noty nice

but; ona alone, and the with another one and then alone again,

that is nice,

(translated from german)

Mmmm... Yeah... I'm just going to go ahead and not get that one, yeah.

MonkeyTennis · 25-09-2015 1:40pm

Those crazy Germans

donegal_man · 25-09-2015 8:50pm

Was that translated by the character from the Monty Python sketch?

25-09-2015 9:14pm

donegal_man wrote: »

Was that translated by the character from the Monty Python sketch?

Probably been translated by migrants!

TheLastMohican · 25-09-2015 9:35pm

There was an old fellow from Tring
When somebody asked him to sing,
Replied, "Isn't it odd
But I cannot tell 'God
Save the Weasel' from 'Pop Goes the King'.

There was an old gaucho named Bruno
Who said, "There is the one thing I do know
A woman is fine
A sheep is divine
But a llama's is numero uno."

coolhull · 25-09-2015 10:10pm

Tomorrow, I'm going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy is.

Capt'n Midnight · 26-09-2015 12:27pm

Have you been mis-sold TDi?

Capt'n Midnight · 26-09-2015 12:31pm

My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory.

Why didn't I think of that?

Capt'n Midnight · 26-09-2015 12:41pm

I couldn't help but smile when the dentist told me my teeth were too big for my mouth.

MonkieSocks · 26-09-2015 5:37pm

Splashed out on some lacy knickers the other day, didn't realise I'd have to pay for them!

Curly Judge · 26-09-2015 8:37pm

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy

coolhull · 26-09-2015 11:56pm

A man and his wife were driving home along the back roads when they were stopped by the Gardai. They examined his tax, insurance, licence and NCT. They checked his lights, tyres, and brakes.
Finally they said, ‘’Everything’s grand, Sir. It’s just a job we have to do, I’m afraid. Sorry for delaying you, and we wish you luck on the rest of your journey.’’
The man started swearing and cursing at the Guards.
‘’ Yizzer sorry for delaying me? Yiz are in your arse sorry! The country is overrun with all sorts of gougers, drugs are everywhere, and people are being burgled every night of the week. And all youse fcukers are doing is stopping decent people going about their business. Youse are afraid of the real criminals. Yiz are a lazy cowardly pack of bollixes, everyone one of youse.’’
The man’s wife leaned across the passenger seat.
‘’Ah God, I’m awful sorry, Guards. Don’t mind him……….
Sure he always gets like this when he has a bellyful of drink on him’’

Severard · 27-09-2015 2:41pm

Anime is proof that two nukes was not enough.

gumbo1 · 27-09-2015 3:09pm

Panda walks into a brothel and asks for a woman. Madam behind the counter says he should be out having sex with other pandas. Panda says he's exploring his sexual and that he would like to have sex with a woman an do sent mind what she looks like. After a bit of convincing she decides to let him at it. Top of the stairs first door on the right. Off he goes happy out. Few minutes later the Madam is a bit worried and goes to check everything is alright. She opens the door a crack and sees the girl spread eagle on the bed, panda down munching carpet. Girl seems to be alright with it. Away Madam goes to the counter.
Bout 10 minutes later panda strolls down the stairs, lil grin looking pleased with himself. Saysthanks to the Madam and makes ffor the door without paying. Madam shouts after him that he has to pay, panda keeps going Madam heads after him and stops him. Demands paying for services rendered! Panda says, you really don't understand pandas do you? Should look it up! And walks off. Madam goes to dictionary, p p p panda, eats shoots and leaves.

Best told over a pint or two!!

MetalDog · 27-09-2015 4:55pm

So it turns out that Jeremy Kyle's wife has been having an affair.

It must have been so easy for her, knowing where her husband was at 9:30 am every morning.

whatawaster81 · 27-09-2015 11:10pm

I'm going to start taking feminists more seriously from now on....

For years they've been telling us that men are ****ing pigs.

27-09-2015 11:23pm

How to give up smoking in one easy lesson!

sell the VW

coolhull · 27-09-2015 11:41pm

The word 'tsunami' is not in my phone's predictive text dictionary.

So if you ever get a text from me saying, "Trumang!!!" get the FCUK off the beach.

tayto lover · 28-09-2015 6:53pm

coolhull wrote: »

The word 'tsunami' is not in my phone's predictive text dictionary.

So if you ever get a text from me saying, "Trumang!!!" get the FCUK off the beach.

And if you see me from a distance give me a big wave.

rolliepoley · 28-09-2015 7:10pm

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just couldn't take it any longer.

coolhull · 28-09-2015 7:13pm

Where there's smoke..... there's a Volkswagen Polo

whatawaster81 · 28-09-2015 7:16pm

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a s**t."

Curly Judge · 29-09-2015 3:31pm

Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove
And seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan And had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said:
"I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers
And I voted twice for Obama."

Seve OB · 29-09-2015 4:05pm

I actually got it the first time

29-09-2015 4:25pm

What's the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding?

One less drunk person

Sunnyisland · 30-09-2015 4:54pm

Sky News - NASA reports, Running water found on Mars.

Irish water has announced that a meter will be installed next week.

chughes · 30-09-2015 5:41pm

realies wrote: »

Sky News - NASA reports, Running water found on Mars.

Irish water has announced that a meter will be installed next week.

I don't think Irish Water will install meters on Mars. Just as in many estates around Ireland IW will find there's a bad atmosphere there.

Miss Demeanour · 30-09-2015 6:56pm

My friend asked me earlier if I would ever stop singing Wonderwall......
I said maybe......

Busted Flat. · 30-09-2015 10:32pm

realies wrote: »

Sky News - NASA reports, Running water found on Mars.

Irish water has announced that a meter will be installed next week.

NASA announced they had discovered Liquid water, when did water cease to become liquid, Ice maybe.

deandean · 01-10-2015 10:18pm

chughes wrote: »

I don't think Irish Water will install meters on Mars. Just as in many estates around Ireland IW will find there's a bad atmosphere there.

Naw, Irish Water will be installing meterites on Mars. ☺

Charlie19 · 03-10-2015 12:26am

My mate Gavin has suddenly died after an overdose of heartburn tablets.

I cant believe Gavisgon...

rolliepoley · 03-10-2015 1:28pm

Fcuking police. The woman over the road stands naked in her window watching me having a **** and I'm the pervert?

Mr Tibbs · 03-10-2015 7:06pm

I was on the edge of my bed this morning pulling off my boxers
when the wife said, you're spoiling those dogs

Nodster · 03-10-2015 11:18pm

A petrol station owner in a small town was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read..... “Free Sex with Fill-Up”

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were very close,
the number was 7. Sorry... No sex this time.”

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick,
pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story,
and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time.

The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.”

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
“I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex.”

Paddy replied,“No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all, the wife won twice last week!”

coolhull · 04-10-2015 12:29am

There was a couple that had been married for 20 years. Everytime they made love the husband insisted on shutting off the lights. After 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous, she figured she would break him out of this crazy habit, so one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery operated leisure device...a vibrator. Hard and wonderful, larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic "you impotent bastard" she screamed, "how could you lie to me all of these years? you better explain yourself"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly

"I'll explain the toy......you explain the kids"

K.Flyer · 04-10-2015 12:09pm

A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem.
The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?"
The blonde thinks for a moment and replies, "How do you give shoulders?"

MonkieSocks · 04-10-2015 5:40pm

A Yorkshireman walks into a jewellers.

"Can tha mek a statue o' me dog?"

"Aye, I reckon a can". He replies. "Does tha want it eighteen carat?"

"Nay mate. I want it chewin' bone".

fr336 · 04-10-2015 10:30pm

The England team have a new captain.

His name's John and he'll be flying them home this week.

(Borrowed from last year when England crashed out of the football world cup...)

04-10-2015 11:05pm

fr336 wrote: »

The England team have a new captain.

His name's John and he'll be flying them home this week.

(Borrowed from last year when England crashed out of the football world cup...)

They're already home, Where is he taking them? Syria??? :pac:

fr336 · 04-10-2015 11:07pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Where is he taking them? Syria??? :pac:

This is lost on me but thanks anyway

Wossack · 04-10-2015 11:15pm

fr336 wrote: »

The England team have a new captain.

His name's John and he'll be flying them home this week.

(Borrowed from last year when England crashed out of the football world cup...)

doesnt really work when englands the host nation...

04-10-2015 11:35pm

fr336 wrote: »

The England team have a new captain.

His name's John and he'll be flying them home this week.

(Borrowed from last year when England crashed out of the football world cup...)

You could have shortened that joke to "the England team".

Guffaws all round!

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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