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Is he ashamed of me?

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    #62
    tara73
    Registered Users Posts: 2,341 ✭✭✭tara73


    OP, for me, there could be the possibility he's hiding you from his child and for some reason he doesn't want that his child knows he's having a new partner.

    And if friends get to know you, and they are in contact with his child it will be known to the child his dad has a new woman?

    I know it sounds silly but I just got an example of a friend of mine who was in a relationship with a man of almost 60 years who has a daughter of 17 years who kept the relaqtionship secret because he doesn't want his daughter to know.

    there are parents out there (women and men) who feel guilty for splitting up with the mother/father of their child and keep that guilt for almost the rest of their lifes and are not able to have an open relationship with another woman in fear what their children might think.

    could it be possible this is your 'bf's' problem?


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    #63
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    tara73 wrote: »
    OP, for me, there could be the possibility he's hiding you from his child and for some reason he doesn't want that his child knows he's having a new partner.

    And if friends get to know you, and they are in contact with his child it will be known to the child his dad has a new woman?

    I know it sounds silly but I just got an example of a friend of mine who was in a relationship with a man of almost 60 years who has a daughter of 17 years who kept the relaqtionship secret because he doesn't want his daughter to know.

    there are parents out there (women and men) who feel guilty for splitting up with the mother/father of their child and keep that guilt for almost the rest of their lifes and are not able to have an open relationship with another woman in fear what their children might think.

    could it be possible this is your 'bf's' problem?

    The friends are grown ups and they needn't tell his children if he doesn't want them to know. If this is the case the OP will have to hide on the background forever like some dirty secret. Not a good idea.


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    #64
    PhiloCypher
    Registered Users Posts: 2,388 ✭✭✭PhiloCypher


    Sunflower 27 wrote: »
    The fact he isn't even being offered a 'plus 1' highlights the fact his friends don't consider him in a relationship.

    Have you been to his place before? I know you said he said you are welcome any time, but have you ever gone? Sounds like this is an offer he made thinking you will never take him up on it because he says he lives in a house share.

    This all day long. First of all I would question whether he is being honest about whether his invites genuinely aren't plus 1, have you seen them? If thats the case then you have to question what he has told them about you if anything. Considering he's never introduced you to any of them, maybe they just think you are a FWB and he's done nothing to dissuade them of this fact.


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    #65
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    From guy friends I know, they actively avoid introducing a new gf to friend and family if they don't see a future. Sorry op but I think he's just going along for the spin until someone else comes along. He is actively keeping you out if his life. You could have attended any of those afters but tbf he didn't want you there. Time to move on.


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    #66
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 1,007 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Augme wrote: »
    You make it sound as if meeting the friends at a wedding is the only way to do it or that most people meet their partners friends through a wedding. I think that very rarely happens. Most people meet the friends at other social occasions.
    Flippyfloppy wrote: »
    The point the op made in regard to these weddings is the guy she's seeing said he and his friends don't go out, and according to him, that means there's never an opportunity to meet his circle. Yet when there is an opportunity, like a wedding (of which there's been several) op isn't invited.

    Worse still, there HAVE been social occasions where she could have met his circle of friends (including 3 of the grooms) but he didn't even tell her about them until afterwards :(
    Ophere wrote: »
    6 weddings in total. Out of the 6 grooms at least 3 were at the party that we could have gone to together but he didn't tell me about till afterwards
    Ophere wrote: »
    I was meant to be going up at the same time as a night out he told them he couldn't go and didn't mention it to me until afterwards

    Plus, one of the wedding's is his best friend. I can't imagine not asking my best friend if they wanted me to include someone they'd been dating for months. She's not even invited to the afters.
    Ophere wrote: »
    The only one I kinda thought I'd be invited to is the best friend as I presumed he'd have talked about me the way he talks to me

    And as for this cr@p:
    Confusedop wrote: »
    One is his best friend which is taking place 30 mins from my house and he will be staying at my house before the wedding and coming back the next day. Another is so close he has asked me to pick him up so he can save on a hotel

    Treating you like a taxi company and a B&B is too damn much!

    And then the last straw:
    Ophere wrote: »
    Finally we had arranged about a month ago that I would visit him on a certain weekend to support him in his sport and then spend the day together and I would stay. I decided to treat us to a hotel for privacy. It turns out that he didn't book the time off work and will be going in so I will go to see him do his activity, have lunch together and then sit in a hotel room alone for 10 hours!!

    You're expected to haul your cookies to his place and he's leaving you on your own?!

    Sorry OP but whatever his reasons are for not introducing you to his friends, he's not very good to you besides that issue. I wouldn't be able to put up with that.


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    #67
    nicki11
    Registered Users Posts: 353 ✭✭nicki11


    If hes caring and considerate in other ways maybe he just doesn't feel ready to have you meet his side. Has he met yours you haven't mentioned?

    On not meeting his friends I meet my OH's friends one day when I went to meet him at his building and they were talking and he introduced me, not sure on the specifics but we'd been dating about 4 months and it was a lot more organic then setting up a date to meet his friends which is a bit odd. I meet my OH's mother after dating for about 9 months and he met my parents around the same time (their visits coincided a bit). Weddings are planned months or years in advance and the list is the first thing set up and you don't want to piss off a bride so close to a wedding (my aunt got pissed when her sister wanted a plus 1 for the wedding when the list was finalized and this was months before the actual wedding not weeks). It is a lot of hassle and their wedding is about them not you so of course they'd be annoyed as they haven't met you and hes feeling pressure to do so so just let it be his idea.

    Time together does also factor in, I met my OH in college so we tended to meet up alot more often then people in their thirties would, living apart and working too, so perhaps like other posters have said after you've been together for a year it would seem like a significant enough time. Some people go all in early but others don't and even if you feel like you aren't presuring him the frequent asking (joking or not) hes obviously picked up that your not joking and is upset by that, he probably just isn't ready. It doesn't mean hes never going to be ready but if you leave him alone he'll probably mention "hey I'm meeting up with bob and his gf on thursday do you want to come". Ultimately its his decision. For instance I only met my Uncles gf last month and they've been dating for a year.


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    #68
    strandroad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭strandroad


    It feels that he's just not into you. The weddings could be explained (not so many of them though, in my opinion) but he's also keeping you away from all his friends and family, and he is aware that it's a concern for you so it's not something he accidentally overlooked.

    Does he perhaps see your relationship as much more casual than you do?


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    #69
    tara73
    Registered Users Posts: 2,341 ✭✭✭tara73


    Emme wrote: »
    The friends are grown ups and they needn't tell his children if he doesn't want them to know. If this is the case the OP will have to hide on the background forever like some dirty secret. Not a good idea.

    my post had the intention to help the OP in seeing a possibility which probably hasn't crossed her mind yet and the possibility her bf is the one with a problem and it doesn't has anything to do with her physical appearance , as she started to question this.

    I never suggested she should accept his behaviour.


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    #70
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi op again. Thanks for all the messages!!!

    I took the advice on here on board and spoke to him about it. I explained that I feel very uninvolved in his life and that if it is going to continue that way I'm not sticking around.

    He agreed it wasn't very nice of his friends to not invite me to the weddings and said he would prefer it if we went together but he wasn't expecting me to be invited as they didn't know me and none had afters invites they are all day or nothing. He said they do all know how happy he is and that he wants it to work out but at the same time it's not his fault if they all chose to not invite me he said they know it's not a casual thing but he can't ask people why they are purposely not involving me. He has made it clear to the best friend that he will attend the day but he's not going to day 2 as he wants to spend time with me.

    He seemed to think I expected a big drinking session to meet them and was saying how they all have families and rarely go out though I never said I wanted that....we dont even do that ourselves! So he said he will take a weekend off in the next few weeks and arrange something.

    I don't think he realised how genuinely left out I felt or that I wasn't going to continue with things unless they changed. I also said it should take ultimatums to make him treat me like a girlfriend.

    I know some of you said it was putting him under pressure but I think after 9 months of being on the outside it's perfect reasonable to question it.


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    #71
    DukeOfTheSharp
    Registered Users Posts: 307 ✭✭DukeOfTheSharp


    I usually pride myself on going against the grain here, but as someone who has seen and experienced situations like this; he doesn't see a future with you. He's doing the old 'church and state' routine, keeping you separate from his family/friends so you don't take a more committed root in his life. It really is terrible, you feel like you're on the outside looking in and I'm just going to hazard a guess and say that you've already tried to introduce him to your family and friends, but he always has an excuse not to?

    The worst thing about people like your current boyfriend is that they're greedy. They use and use and never give back. They want to have their cake and eat it too, and that isn't fair. The whole thing of him 'loving' you is a helpful charade to keep the illusion of a relationship going, so he can have you when it suits him and live his life without restrictions you might 'impose' on him. He talks a big game about moving closer to home and to you, but it won't happen, he wouldn't do that for you at all. If he can't bring you to something as simple as a wedding - on multiple occasions - then something is rotten here and making grandiose gestures couldn't possibly be on the cards. To be honest, it also sounds like he's selfishly using his child too, despite the apparent logic he's using, it all seems a bit too cut & dry a reason not to bring you fully into his life. You have to do what's best for you, walk, because you're upset and he's done nothing, meaning he obviously doesn't care how you feel at all.

    On top of that, you're not 'clingy', you're expressing a want to be part of someone's - who has told you he loves you - life. That's perfectly natural and it's not like you've been going out a few weeks. The guy isn't committed, save yourself future frustration and heartache and leave now, as much as it'll hurt like all hell, you deserve better.


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    #72
    AndyBoBandy
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 15,012 Mod ✭✭✭✭AndyBoBandy


    Ophere wrote: »
    He agreed it wasn't very nice of his friends to not invite me to the weddings and said he would prefer it if we went together but he wasn't expecting me to be invited as they didn't know me and none had afters invites they are all day or nothing. He said they do all know how happy he is and that he wants it to work out but at the same time it's not his fault if they all chose to not invite me he said they know it's not a casual thing but he can't ask people why they are purposely not involving me. He has made it clear to the best friend that he will attend the day but he's not going to day 2 as he wants to spend time with me.

    I'm very sorry OP, but this just sounds like more BS to me,

    yet again he's deflecting any blame away from himself, and onto his friends. friends that you have never met. it all seems a bit too convenient to me!

    What a very strange circle of friends he must have. So is it just going to be like this forever?, never get invited to (the only) events that take place because they don't know you! This is clearly a circle of friends that you will never break into, so why even bother? is this the life you want to have?
    What will happen in 5-10 years when there's another wedding? "Sorry, you can't come because they still don't know you", when does it end?

    Do yourself a favour OP and end this, you are not happy about the situation. otherwise you wouldn't be here. Find someone who you are happy with and enjoy your life.


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    #73
    fineso.mom
    Registered Users Posts: 1,092 ✭✭✭fineso.mom


    Just a quick point OP. He says he told his friend he won't be at day two because he wants to spend it with you...........
    Even if your boyfriend really didnt get a plus one for the wedding day, I can't see why his friend didn't immediately say to bring you along on day two.
    Think about it. Day 2 is far less formal,usually Buffett / BBQ type thing. No worries about extra cost like on the wedding day. Smaller numbers,relaxed atmosphere, pressure off the bride and groom. Perfect opportunity to meet your friends new girlfriend.
    Sorry OP,the older I get the better my BS detector is. It's BS.
    You deserve better.


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    #74
    jimd2
    Registered Users Posts: 789 ✭✭✭jimd2


    Ophere wrote: »
    Hi op again. Thanks for all the messages!!!

    I took the advice on here on board and spoke to him about it. I explained that I feel very uninvolved in his life and that if it is going to continue that way I'm not sticking around.

    He agreed it wasn't very nice of his friends to not invite me to the weddings and said he would prefer it if we went together but he wasn't expecting me to be invited as they didn't know me and none had afters invites they are all day or nothing. He said they do all know how happy he is and that he wants it to work out but at the same time it's not his fault if they all chose to not invite me he said they know it's not a casual thing but he can't ask people why they are purposely not involving me. He has made it clear to the best friend that he will attend the day but he's not going to day 2 as he wants to spend time with me.

    He seemed to think I expected a big drinking session to meet them and was saying how they all have families and rarely go out though I never said I wanted that....we dont even do that ourselves! So he said he will take a weekend off in the next few weeks and arrange something.

    I don't think he realised how genuinely left out I felt or that I wasn't going to continue with things unless they changed. I also said it should take ultimatums to make him treat me like a girlfriend.

    I know some of you said it was putting him under pressure but I think after 9 months of being on the outside it's perfect reasonable to question it.

    Sorry but his explanation stinks of BS. If he cannot ask his best friend to extend an invitation to a new girlfriend then they arent great friends at all. And also, even if there are no official afters of course he could mention it to his other friends and ask could you come along at an estimated time in the evening.


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    #75
    AndyBoBandy
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 15,012 Mod ✭✭✭✭AndyBoBandy


    jimd2 wrote: »
    an invitation to a new girlfriend

    Let's not forget they've been together 9 months now!


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    #76
    Sunflower 27
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,955 ✭✭✭Sunflower 27


    Please don't be so naïve.

    Come on, stop being a fool for love because that is what you are doing.


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    #77
    Teyla Emmagan
    Registered Users Posts: 5,641 ✭✭✭Teyla Emmagan


    So now it's his friends who at fault! So mean of them for not inviting you to their weddings, all six of them. It's mad OP, it's like you don't exist.


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    #78
    bee06
    Registered Users Posts: 4,514 ✭✭✭bee06


    Teyla Emmagan wrote: »
    So now it's his friends who at fault! So mean of them for not inviting you to their weddings, all six of them. It's mad OP, it's like you don't exist.

    Totally agree, if it was one friend I'd buy it ... Maybe they were having a small wedding, not enough space whatever but 6! And if it was my friend or my husband's friend and he was telling us how happy this girl made him we'd be dying to meet her. I find it hard to buy one of the the 6 wouldn't feel the same.


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    #79
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    OP, you say he is your boyfriend but does he see things the same way? Maybe he sees you as more of a friend with benefits. Benefits such as providing a free taxi service and free accommodation for his friends' weddings. Weddings are a great place to meet people if you're single. If he goes to his friends' weddings on his own he is effectively single.

    If he gets chatted up by a girl there do you think he will say he has a girlfriend? If he does the first thing a woman will say is "if you have a girlfriend why isn't she with you?" No matter what he says if he doesn't bring you with him it will appear that he is not serious about you and he is fair game for any single woman who is there.

    To be blunt, he is using you until he meets somebody he thinks enough of to introduce to his friends and to bring to weddings. He isn't even asking you to go to the afters of the weddings that are near you.

    If both weddings near you are traditional weddings with a good number of guests day and evening you would be invited to the afters if his friends knew about you.

    But they don't know about you. You are hidden away like an attached a man's bit on the side.

    Have some dignity and dump him, preferably before the two weddings near you. Then he will have to fork out for accommodation instead of sponging off you.


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    #80
    faceman
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Entertainment Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 16,586 CMod ✭✭✭✭faceman


    I don't agree with advice saying to just dump him given we always only have 1 side to stories on these forums. I do agree though with giving any OP food for thought so that she/he can seek their own path and come to a conclusion that is right for him/her.

    I do agree with the comments however that his excuses following your chat with him reeks of deflection and even more excuses. It really does sound like there are two different views and expectations of the relationship here. The expression "Set out as you mean to go on" comes to mind. 9 months in, is this the way it will always be? At what point will you as his OH be invited to events like this? Either way you can't get to know him if the guy makes no effort to arrange meetings with his circles.

    Dramatic advice aside, there is a trend here in the replies OP. For your own health and well being, you have a lot of thinking and deciding to do. I hope what you chose from here works out for you.


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    #81
    hardCopy
    Registered Users Posts: 5,969 ✭✭✭hardCopy


    There's no way his friends know he's in a relationship.

    Not having a suitable occasion to introduce you doesn't wash at all, all he has to is organise something himself. Throw a party, cook a barbecue, meet for drinks or coffee with a friends and their partner.


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    #82
    DukeOfTheSharp
    Registered Users Posts: 307 ✭✭DukeOfTheSharp


    It still seems quite dodgy, honestly OP you've to do whatever feels right. If this continues you'll feel worse and worse until it consumes you and you begin to get angry and resentful, over sad and left out. That can spell your downfall in terms of making your point. I guess the only question you need to ask yourself is: is this worth it?


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    #83
    Sunflower 27
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,955 ✭✭✭Sunflower 27


    faceman wrote: »
    I don't agree with advice saying to just dump him given we always only have 1 side to stories on these forums. I do agree though with giving any OP food for thought so that she/he can seek their own path and come to a conclusion that is right for him/her.

    No-one can make the OP do anything. Yes, we only have one side and in all fairness it looks pretty damn bad.

    Anyone that is telling a woman they see a future with her is usually very quick to introduce her to friends. This guy has not allowed her to meet one friend. He is talking out his ar$e. Why dress it up?


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    #84
    zeffabelli
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,516 ✭✭✭zeffabelli


    Sunflower 27 wrote: »
    No-one can make the OP do anything. Yes, we only have one side and in all fairness it looks pretty damn bad.

    Anyone that is telling a woman they see a future with her is usually very quick to introduce her to friends. This guy has not allowed her to meet one friend. He is talking out his ar$e. Why dress it up?

    Because we don't know. Your basing your advice on your own imagination, a fantasy.


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    #85
    DukeOfTheSharp
    Registered Users Posts: 307 ✭✭DukeOfTheSharp


    zeffabelli wrote: »
    Because we don't know. Your basing your advice on your own imagination, a fantasy.

    Well, no. Anyone here is basing their advice off of the evidence being presented, and taking into account how the OP feels. I was in the OP's shoes once, much the same situation as this and it was anything but fun. Sure, you could believe what someone says despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, believe all their grandstanding and grandiose proposals for making life easier, but without actions, words are meaningless.
    The OP is upset - visibly so - and her boyfriend has done nothing to make it easier on her. He has, however, managed to come up with an excuse that shifts the blame onto people she has never met, all the while he's not even attempted to get her involved with these situations out of concern for her feelings. It's really a case of examining actions instead of words, and his actions paint a very nasty - and familiar - picture: there's always an excuse, never a solution. He could do any number of things and make it better - that'd be classified as a potential fantasy - but he hasn't, he's instead made assumptions that are excuses, not reasons, for why this is happening. The real fantasy here is believing that an individual who claims they love the OP hasn't brought her to a single wedding/after party in the nine months they've been together, nor has the OP managed to meet his friends.


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    #86
    Sunflower 27
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,955 ✭✭✭Sunflower 27


    zeffabelli wrote: »
    Because we don't know. Your basing your advice on your own imagination, a fantasy.

    It isn't a fantasy. She has met none of his friends and he is not going out of his way to make it happen either.

    Being in a couple means taking into consideration your partner's feelings, not stringing them along, ignoring what they ask of you. Meeting not one of his friends after 9 months is not the behaviour of a man head over heels in love.


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    #87
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi all op here with an update.

    I talked to him again and there was a high row I said I wasn't happy at being left out of everything as if there was something wrong with me. I said he was acting like someone in a casual relationship and that we were friends who sleep together more than anything else. I said the distance didn't help but he was acting like he had 2 lives, one with me as the lovely girlfriend and one as the single man with his work and friends and going to weddings alone. Like some of you pointed out I said that obviously none of his friends see him in a relationship!
    I also said that if the best friend genuinely does know about me and wouldn't bother to invite me to his wedding of over 200 people it was my boyfriend he was treating badly not me.
    I also said it's not really a out the wedding but about how he doesn't bother bringing me into his lifeproperly and being proud of me.

    He agreed he has been acting really selfishly, he said it was too late to ask any of the grooms of the weddi gs that are close but thst he was planning on talking to the groom of the last wedding in a couple of months to ask that we are invited as a couple. He has organised to meet some friends when I visit and has said he will make sure I'm involved a lot more.
    We agreed that because his weekends are with his child and I can't visit midweek because of my child it's best he comes to me and he is going to take days off now and then at weekends so I can come up and we can do things together where he lives.

    So all in all I'm thinking I will see how things go and give it a last chance. I don't feel the same happiness in the relationship as before,but I'm hoping it isn't just words and will happen. I do feel a bit paranoid and left out so I'm hoping that will ease off.
    I hope I'm not being really demanding and Princessy, I think all I'm asking for is normal relationship stuff that should have to be requested!


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    #88
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Did he explain why he was acting selfishly?


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    #89
    strandroad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭strandroad


    I think you're handling it well OP, you made your feelings known and if nothing happens you know what choices you have.


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    #90
    frostyjacks
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,951 ✭✭✭frostyjacks


    My gut instinct is that you're getting played. He's "planning on talking" to the groom to ask if you can go to the wedding...how much planning is involved in that? "Can I bring a +1, yes/no?"

    He's making it all out to be some kind of military operation. How hard is it to go down the pub for a few drinks and meet his friends or family?


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    #91
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    frostyjacks wrote: »
    My gut instinct is that you're getting played. He's "planning on talking" to the groom to ask if you can go to the wedding...how much planning is involved in that? "Can I bring a +1, yes/no?"

    He's making it all out to be some kind of military operation. How hard is it to go down the pub for a few drinks and meet his friends or family?

    I agree. I have a feeling that nothing will have changed if you stay with him for another 9 months. If he doesn't introduce you to somebody in his circle in the next two weeks he is probably talking through his hat and trying to keep you sweet. It's in his interest to do so because it will save him the price of two nights in a hotel (one for each wedding) and you provide a taxi service back to your place from the weddings if he doesn't get lucky and stay in somebody else's bed in the wedding hotel. Of course he will tell you he was drunk and slept on a friend's floor.

    In the meantime don't be a free B&B and taxi service for him. Tell him something has come up with your children and he can't stay in your place.

    If he REALLY wanted to introduce you to his friends he could say casually to the grooms at the upcoming weddings "Can I bring my girlfriend to the afters because I'm staying at her place for the wedding and she's giving me a lift back afterwards".

    But he doesn't do that. Instead he gets to go to his friends' weddings as a single man. He isn't planning on changing that any time soon. He also gets a free place to stay for 2 of the weddings (your place), a free taxi service from you so he can drink to his hearts content and to top that he gets FWB sex from you if he wants it. And his friends and family probably don't know that you exist. It's a win:win all round for him. But not for you.


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