One-Liner Jokes

donegal_man · 22-04-2018 8:36pm

What did the vegan give the homeless man?

A lecture.

MonkieSocks · 09-05-2018 7:33pm

My friend Walter Wall has just opened a carpet shop, but he's struggling to think of a name for it.

Victor · 28-05-2018 7:48pm

One leprechaun stock broker to another: "Top o' the market to ye."

MonkieSocks · 03-06-2018 11:42pm

I went out on a date the other night for the first time in years and it didn't go well at all.

I said to her "So are you a Vampire?"

"No" she said with a puzzled look on her face.

I said to her "So you're telling me you could see yourself in the mirror and you still came out looking like that"

She got awfully Cross and I got a slap across the face,then she stormed out!:eek:

MonkieSocks · 04-06-2018 10:31pm

I was out with the lads last night having a great time, beer and shots was flowing when the barmaid screamed "Does anyone know CPR?"

I said "I know the Entire Alphabeth"

We all laughed and laughed, well except this one guy.

MonkieSocks · 06-06-2018 10:35pm

A guy went to the Doctors with a severe case of Diarrhea, which was the cause of much embarrassment.

"Take this three times a day" says the Doctor, handing him a tub of Bisto.

"Bisto" exclaims the guy "Will that stop it"

"No" says the doctor "but it will sure Thicken It"

MonkieSocks · 10-06-2018 3:22pm

I Said To My Mate, "I Bought My Dog A Little Coat With Writing On The Back."

He Said, "Oh, What Did It Say?"

I Said, "Nothing, He's A Dog."

Worztron · 10-06-2018 3:24pm

2 clowns are eating a cannibal...

One clown leans over and says "I think we ****ed up this joke."

Worztron · 11-06-2018 8:06pm

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

gammygils · 13-06-2018 1:05am

The man who sued a major Airline over missing baggage has lost his case

MonkieSocks · 16-06-2018 10:41pm

I’m not saying it’s rough round my way, but Tesco have Fathers Day cards in packs of 5.

Worztron · 17-06-2018 10:19am

If life gives you melons... you might be dyslexic.

RichieO · 18-06-2018 9:05am

Worztron wrote: »

If life gives you melons... you might be dyslexic.

I was dyslexic when I was 12, ... or was it 21 ?

Dtp1979 · 18-06-2018 11:12am

RichieO wrote: »

I was dyslexic when I was 12, ... or was it 21 ?

Get your coat

MonkieSocks · 23-06-2018 5:41pm

Dtp1979 wrote: »

Get your coat

He already ate his taco :pac:

bacon? · 28-06-2018 12:08pm

Why did the Chicken not go to the dance?

He was in a foul mood!

bacon? · 28-06-2018 12:21pm

2 guys walking down the road, one says to the other, "when I get home I'm gonna rip my sisters knickers off" Other guy replies, shocked, "wtf? why?"

.... "cause they're wrecking me hole"

Worztron · 28-06-2018 3:24pm

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" generally mean the same thing... except at funerals.

pawdee · 28-06-2018 3:28pm

What kind of meat does the Pope eat? Nun.

pawdee · 28-06-2018 3:30pm

A fella goes to the doctor with a strawberry stuck in his arse. The doctor says "I'll give you some cream for that".

pawdee · 28-06-2018 3:38pm

Rosemary West: "Fancy a beer luv?"

Fred: "I could murder a couple of Tennents"

Worztron · 28-06-2018 5:12pm

Best One Liner of the World Cup So Far... Let's face it... That's not the first time Germany has gone into Russia unprepared.

minikin · 02-07-2018 9:35am

The Dyslexics Association of Ireland have condemned today’s hosepipe ban by the government... they insist that dying people must be cared for in their remaining days.

Bandana boy · 02-07-2018 10:12am

minikin wrote: »

The Dyslexics Association of Ireland have condemned today’s hosepipe ban by the government... they insist that dying people must be cared for in their remaining days.

These jokes only work if they are an anagram of the word
there is no c in hosepipe

minikin · 02-07-2018 12:09pm

There might be c in hosepipe if you life on the coast.

MonkieSocks · 02-07-2018 4:53pm

Worztron wrote: »

Best One Liner of the World Cup So Far... Let's face it... That's not the first time Germany has gone into Russia unprepared.

Don't mention Ze VAR :mad:

bonzodog2 · 07-07-2018 10:02am

A must-read book for breeders of budgerigars.
"Budgerigars - their breeding and training" by Hugh Zapritti-Boyden

MonkieSocks · 24-07-2018 11:09pm

A little boy stands on a butterfly, his dad says "No butter for a week".

The next day the little boy jumps on a honeybee, dad says, "No honey for a week".

A few days later, his mum stands on a cockroach, the little boy looks to his dad and says,

"Are you gonna tell her or shall I?"

MonkieSocks · 28-07-2018 6:31pm

Nurse to drunk man, “That’s a really nasty gash on your forehead, I’m gonna have to clean it out and put in 20 stitches”

Drunk man, “You can clean it out but there’s no way you’re putting in 20 stitches”.

Nurse, “Okay, suture self”

RichieO · 29-07-2018 9:22am

When Homer's dumb, he's also broke,....... No Doh.... Durrrr...

RichieO · 29-07-2018 9:41am

I think “Flat Earthers” are stupid, I’d put ‘em in a boat and push ‘em off the edge.

greenspurs · 01-08-2018 4:35pm

What do you call a girl standing in a goal ? - Annette

What do you call a girl standing between 2 houses ? - Elaine

bonzodog2 · 02-08-2018 10:45am

greenspurs wrote: »

What do you call a girl standing in a goal ? - Annette

What do you call her when she's standing in front of a downstairs window?

Annette Curtin

TheBody · 02-08-2018 11:57am

I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anesthetic. He said “sure, knock yourself out!”

GBX · 02-08-2018 11:58am

They say that masturbation is better with a dead arm ... apparently I ruined that funeral

MonkieSocks · 02-08-2018 10:33pm

To the little prick who stole my antidepressants - I hope you’re fookin happy now.

Worztron · 06-08-2018 1:23pm

I hate my job as a waiter. ... But it puts food on the table.

MonkieSocks · 29-08-2018 5:55pm

Islamabad school maths test

Ahmad has three lunch boxes

He gives Abdullah one and another to Faisal

Calculate the blast radius

MonkieSocks · 05-09-2018 11:22pm

Little known fact about English footballer Danny Welbeck.

His dad was in the bomb disposal unit - he was called Stan...

greenspurs · 06-09-2018 8:51am

Got a tip off a mate today - Told me a horse called Landfill was a cert.

Turned out it was a rubbish tip..............

coolhull · 08-09-2018 10:12pm

Stop using pre - shredded cheese

Make America grate again.

MonkieSocks · 09-09-2018 7:45pm

Nearly talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the Ban Garda, she looked stunning.

Then fooked it up by saying , "And that's not the drink talking either"

donegal_man · 10-09-2018 10:56pm

For sale: One theramin, untouched

Crazed mathematician performs world's first truly random shooting

Ragnar Lothbrok · 12-09-2018 8:56am

For some reason I've loved this joke since childhood:

Q: What's the difference between Frank Sinatra and Walt Disney?
A: Frank sings but Walt Disney

(Must be said in a Scottish accent)

MonkieSocks · 18-09-2018 8:56pm

A woman walks into a Newcastle hairdresser's and asks "Can I have a perm please?"

"Aye, nee problem pet" says the hairdresser. "Ah wandered lernley as a clood....."

MonkieSocks · 21-09-2018 10:21pm

Unfortunately my Obese Parrot has just died.

I'm so sad but it’s a huge weight of my shoulders.

MonkieSocks · 24-09-2018 12:55am

Bought some trainers off a guy on gumtree.

Turns out he was a drug dealer.

Don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all week.

Worztron · 25-09-2018 12:21pm

The idea that women only belong in the kitchen is dated and offensive. The rest of the house needs cleaned too.

The Talking Bread · 25-09-2018 12:23pm

Did you hear about the woman from Fermanagh who carried a child for 14 months

Someone stole her pram

MonkieSocks · 30-09-2018 10:27pm

I walked into a car showroom last night.

I said to the salesman,

"My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the showroom window."

He said, "We don’t have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."

I said, “You do now!"

One-Liner Jokes

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