Inviting (horrible !) mother in law for christmas !

Glitzgirl · 22-07-2014 1:55am #1

Really hoping for some help on this issue, background is as follows,

My mother in law (who I had no problems prior to this) is spending her first year alone. Her husband has recently passed from a long battle with cancer (2011) during which time I cared for him even having to move him in to live with myself and my family. During those time she was repeatedly insulting and rude to myself and most involved , as I believe she was hoping to live with her other son who works abroad. However he has since made it clear he has no intention of doing this. Now that she realises she has burned most of her bridges I caught her trying to make my partner feel bad (as he is the only son who lives in the country and has children ie her grandchildren.) I really can't stress how vile this woman has been to me and I am wondering if anyone else in a similar situation has stuck to their guns and not allowed their MIL to stay or visit Christmas Day ? ( I like to and always have celebrated Christmas Day with my partner and kids no visitors etc) I don't want her to ruin our christmas!

amdublin · 22-07-2014 8:09am

Live and let live.

Sounds like your mil was going through a pretty stressful time with losing her husband. Cut her a bit of slack.

Christmas for me is a time of peace and goodwill, if it was me I'd invite her - I'd get her involved in preparations, ask her to help on the day etc.

Good luck and happy Christmas.

P's. You may get better advice in personal issues forum.

Posy · 22-07-2014 8:32am

OP, if you don't get many responses here, and would like this moved to P.I, just let me or D4RK ONION know.

Akrasia · 22-07-2014 8:41am

My grandmother on my fathers side lost her husband to cancer when my father was 17. My mother and father were already in a relationship and got married a few years later. My mother still talks about how horrible it was to be around my grandmother for a few years. She took the loss very hard and took to drink for a while.

It took a few years but she came through it, and these days, my grandmother is the nicest, warmest woman you could ever hope to meet and she has an excellent relationship with her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren.

Everyone's circumstances are different. It's nice to have a pleasant peaceful christmas, but not at any cost. Christmas for me is all about family and friends being together and keeping relationships strong. We have had some difficult christmases down through the years, when people have been sick, or after a family tragedy, but staying together and not withdrawing has kept us close in the long term

looksee · 22-07-2014 9:09am

OP, This is a forum for 'year round' Christmas - but it is still a long way to Christmas. Put it out of your mind for the moment, re-visit it in November. Don't think about it or worry about it. A lot of things can have changed by Christmas, just wait and see what happens, but in the meantime, enjoy the summer, life is short enough without jumping 6 months at a time.

Glitzgirl · 22-07-2014 10:09am

I appreciate the replies here. The reason he entered my mind is as I said she believed she could go stay with her other son who lives abroad and since that idea has been dismissed she has began already approaching my partner , ie her son about the issue already. Normally I would put her behaviour down to stress in s situation like this but this was certainly not the case. As mentioned by a previous poster all circumstances are different. Posy can you please move this to P.I my apologies if that's where it was meant to be originally. Thanks

Glitzgirl · 22-07-2014 10:10am

looksee wrote: »

OP, This is a forum for 'year round' Christmas - but it is still a long way to Christmas. Put it out of your mind for the moment, re-visit it in November. Don't think about it or worry about it. A lot of things can have changed by Christmas, just wait and see what happens, but in the meantime, enjoy the summer, life is short enough without jumping 6 months at a time.

Going off topic slightly but I adore Christmas and start my planning/shopping in January every year. It's a time of friends family and traditions and I love it

besides in less than 3 months the shops will be in full swing with their Christmas stock so there is always time to think of Christmas in my opinion

Tombo2001 · 22-07-2014 10:14am

Did your mother in law just walk into the room there Glitzgirl?

Glitzgirl · 22-07-2014 10:17am

Tombo2001 wrote: »

Did your mother in law just walk into the room there Glitzgirl?

No thankfully although my reaction may have been very similar if she had!

looksee · 22-07-2014 10:17am

OP, I really think your son has to be the prime mover here, if he insists she should be with you for Christmas then you would be entitled to say, ok, but you have to keep her in line! But she sounds very stressed and unhappy if she is already worrying about Christmas, you said her husband had a long illness, it can have a very damaging effect on the people around when that happens. Try not to get wound up about it, don't turn her down but don't make any promises yet. Maybe she feels very alone and neglected after all the attention that had to be given to her husband, maybe a bit of love and attention at Christmas (or even before) would make all the difference.

Glitzgirl · 22-07-2014 10:29am

looksee wrote: »

OP, I really think your son has to be the prime mover here, if he insists she should be with you for Christmas then you would be entitled to say, ok, but you have to keep her in line! But she sounds very stressed and unhappy if she is already worrying about Christmas, you said her husband had a long illness, it can have a very damaging effect on the people around when that happens. Try not to get wound up about it, don't turn her down but don't make any promises yet. Maybe she feels very alone and neglected after all the attention that had to be given to her husband, maybe a bit of love and attention at Christmas (or even before) would make all the difference.

He had initially banned her from the house but at the end of the day it is his mother and she has no one (because of her own actions) he has even said he feels it would ruin our Christmas as to be honest neither of us can look at her or be in the room with her without feeling very resentful and hurt never mind trying to force pleasantries over the Christmas table. This woman got all the support and help she could ever need for the first year of his illness and her own horrible neglectful actions meant she soon lost everyone's respect and help after that anything that was done was not for her benefit but for my FIL's. the man had to be removed from his home and live with us because she was flat out ignoring his basic needs (feeding, company etc). She in my opinion made her bed however my OH may give in as he feels obliged. She never allowed his illness to affect her life I mean the woman frequently went on holidays abroad and made no arrangements for care or even tell anyone she was going! We would often find him in the house by himself (before he was removed obviously) how could you have someone like that sit at your table at Christmas!

gctest50 · 22-07-2014 10:37am

Just leave her to herself - she seems to be already ruining the christmas happyz

Maybe christmas abroad if you can afford it ? be a nice change

Glitzgirl · 22-07-2014 10:44am

gctest50 wrote: »

Just leave her to herself - she seems to be already ruining the christmas happyz

Maybe christmas abroad if you can afford it ? be a nice change

Only way I'd go abroad for Christmas would be to Lapland ! I won't lie the idea has crossed my mind suddenly develop a tradition of going abroad for the festive season

I think i may and hope she gets the hint !

washiskin · 22-07-2014 10:48am

I can see from you latest post that the hurt runs deep & rightly so, but I sense your good heart coming through in your understanding of her situation vis. having no-one.

It can be an awful thing to swallow your feelings towards someone's outrageous behaviour - how is she around your children? Do they see her as Nana or would they be happier without her being there too?

Hopefully between now & then, you might both be in a place where you can have a chat to clear the air about what went on before & start to build a better relationship moving on from here. If not, then it's up to your Partner to take the lead, as Looksee says.

hoodwinked · 22-07-2014 10:54am

sorry are you saying in the op he died in 2011? what did she do in 2012/2013?

also you said you had no problems previously? this leads me to believe she was just acting out due to the stress of the situation.

personally, i have been through the wars with my mother in law, everyone was telling me i had the patience of a saint because i was just supporting my husband and trying and trying again, but lately we have turned a corner and now are starting to build a good relationship, in the war years i would have felt like you, but i bit my tongue for my husbands sake, i would say:

you need to do what ever your husband decides, she is his mother, if he decides he wants her there support him, and maybe try once again to build bridges, all you can do is try. if he decides he doesn't want her there (and take note what he might say in the heat of the moment he may not mean) so be it, support him, try not to impose your views on him either, he needs to make his own mind up.

Posy · 22-07-2014 2:00pm

Moved to P.I at the request of the OP.

Please note Personal Issues charter now applies.

Magicmatilda · 22-07-2014 2:19pm

Out of interest - did she have a good relationship with her husband when he was well, did he treat her well throughout their marraige.

Her actions sound like she resented having to look after him and I am wondering why that might be, maybe she just resented him for getting sick.

Has she been rude to you directly? How does she treat your child/children?

I would find it difficult to leave someone alone at Christmas but that is not to say that some people don;t go to far.

Also have you discussed this with her, explained your anger or has your husband?

Neyite · 22-07-2014 2:29pm

I think that it must be very hard for your husband when his manipulative mother turns the screws. Its very hard to escape from the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that is experienced. Toxic Parents by Susan Forward is an excellent book that I recommend you both read. Christmas is a long way away at the moment, so try to persuade him to be non-commital for as long as possible.

Ultimately, the way I see it is, she has the potential to drive a big wedge between you and your husband, and that if he capitulates and agrees to her coming for Christmas, that you should be supportive of him. I know that you love Christmas, but your relationship trumps that. She sounds horrible, and I do understand how upsetting it must be for you to have a lovely family time wrecked, but try to understand how bad your husband will feel knowing that he made a choice that he didnt really choose which ruined his family occasion.

freshpopcorn · 22-07-2014 2:31pm

Could your husband have a chat with her about behaviour?
He could be very blunt with her and tell her that he loves her/etc but sometimes her actions hurts himself/you and his children. He could say he doesn't want his families Christmas ruined by her because life is short and he wants every Christmas to be as happy as possible.

deisemum · 22-07-2014 3:51pm

Before ye decide whether to have her with you for christmas or not I think you husband and yourself should have a very frank discussion with her and set boundries before agreeing. I think it's also important that both of you are present for that discussion so it shows unity and it affects both of you.

Glitzgirl · 22-07-2014 4:16pm

Sorry for delay ill try get to as many of the questions as I can !

neemish · 22-07-2014 4:22pm

If this is raising it's head in July...JULY!!!... I'd take the initiative. Have a chat with your partner and together decide on a plan. And then go with it. If you decide to invite her, do it as graciously as you can. She's coming, this is what's happening, end of story. You(or better still your partner) tell her what the arrangements are, rather than the other way round. If you decide to go abroad, tell her well in advance.

I remember reading a Readers Digest article years ago that said Christmas Day, by far, is the most stressful day for families and that the best thing to do is to lower expectations and to cope with the inevitable.
So if you MIL is going to turn up and start making life hell, how can you cope with that? Could you invite a bigger crowd so that she kind of gets lost in the bunch? Or get your partner to have a nice chat about leaving certain conversations for another time? If you do have to invite her, can you arrange a day or two for you and your family to go away together and have a time just for yourselves?

What I'm trying to say is, don't let her ruin Christmas and the build up to it by making a huge issue of it. It's one day. Yes, it's an important day. But if you start worrying about this now, you'll have yourself in knots by December.

Glitzgirl · 22-07-2014 4:23pm

hoodwinked wrote: »

sorry are you saying in the op he died in 2011? what did she do in 2012/2013?

also you said you had no problems previously? this leads me to believe she was just acting out due to the stress of the situation. .

No sorry he was diagnosed in 2011 passed earlier this month. From 2011 - mid 2013 I cared for him in his own house attended all apps etc and in 2013 I was put on bed rest for pregnancy related problems during which time she was told she needed to either arrange care or take time off to care for him and she refused. My son was born in early 2013 dec by section he was only home 2 weeks when my FIL (who deteriorated so badly over the period i was on bed rest as she left him in the house alone etc that he was hospitalised) was removed from her house in 2013 and since lived with myself my partner and our 2 children. No problems with her previously always polite cordial etc

December2012 · 22-07-2014 5:43pm

Do whatever your husband wants - he's truly in a horrible situation.

CaraMay · 22-07-2014 7:45pm

December2012 wrote: »

Do whatever your husband wants - he's truly in a horrible situation.

It's 100% your husband decision this year.

Calhoun · 22-07-2014 10:27pm

Neyite wrote: »

I think that it must be very hard for your husband when his manipulative mother turns the screws. Its very hard to escape from the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that is experienced. Toxic Parents by Susan Forward is an excellent book that I recommend you both read. Christmas is a long way away at the moment, so try to persuade him to be non-commital for as long as possible.

Ultimately, the way I see it is, she has the potential to drive a big wedge between you and your husband, and that if he capitulates and agrees to her coming for Christmas, that you should be supportive of him. I know that you love Christmas, but your relationship trumps that. She sounds horrible, and I do understand how upsetting it must be for you to have a lovely family time wrecked, but try to understand how bad your husband will feel knowing that he made a choice that he didnt really choose which ruined his family occasion.

I agree with this advice, i think your husband is damned if he does damned if he doesn't.

The one thing i would make it clear to him is that, he needs to be supportive of you. There is a line between understanding and doormat and he better appreciate where that is and make sure you aren't in the firing line the whole time.

implausible · 22-07-2014 10:53pm

If you do decide with your husband to try and mend bridges, I don't think that having it happen in the highly pressurised atmosphere of Christmas is a good idea. It would be worth testing the waters - maybe a short visit to her some Sunday or invite her for an hour of a kid's birthday.

Your husband is in an awful position and you have to think of the future - your child deserves to know his grandmother (providing she isn't a toxic influence).

People can react in inappropriate and surprising ways to a stressful situation like the illness of a loved one. People can also change.

Glitzgirl · 22-07-2014 11:07pm

Thanks for all the advice given. In reply to a comment about testing the waters I have done at a previous encounter and I was just blanked completely. I think it may stay like that and when she wants something she will ring my partner, not me

I suppose based on our conversations (myself and partner) both agree that a sacrifice has to be made, we either swallow our feelings to accommodate her happiness and ruin our christmas or stick by our guns and worry about the morality of it i suppose, (I'm not heartless I don't like to see anyone alone ESP at Christmas but I do feel like she has treated me like a doormat already) so wondering has anyone stuck by their guns and not allowed a relative etc to visit and regretted it or did it give you peace of mind knowing they wouldn't be arriving!

Calhoun · 22-07-2014 11:24pm

You only have to look through some of the stuff that has come up on this forum to see many people before have cut poisonous folks out of their lives for the better of it.

Your case is clouded however by the recent bereavement and your husband still being in touch with his mother.

Its hard to truly give you the right advice as i don't think many have been in that situation that your husband is in. Only he really knows if its worth having here there.

As this is the first Christmas i think they would both get a little bit of a free pass but if she continues the way she is i would expect him to do something about it.

Glitzgirl · 22-07-2014 11:32pm

Calhoun wrote: »

You only have to look through some of the stuff that has come up on this forum to see many people before have cut poisonous folks out of their lives for the better of it.

Your case is clouded however by the recent bereavement and your husband still being in touch with his mother.

Its hard to truly give you the right advice as i don't think many have been in that situation that your husband is in. Only he really knows if its worth having here there.

As this is the first Christmas i think they would both get a little bit of a free pass but if she continues the way she is i would expect him to do something about it.

Very sound advice Calhoun thank you I may just go with the flow this christmas and expect her to arrive but I will not tolerate any rudeness especially in my own home so I think you are right I will just have to see how this christmas goes!

Calhoun · 22-07-2014 11:41pm

I wouldn't either i generally am of the opinion that my home is my castle, i would bite my tongue to a certain extent but pushed to far and she would be told where to go.

Inviting (horrible !) mother in law for christmas !

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