The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

HalloweenJack · 06-03-2012 8:36am

"One thing you'll have to make sure about if you're a father - never permit your son to consort with anybody in the building trade. Take my own boy. I can only conclude that he spends practically all his time in the company of some plasterer because, do you know what it is, that fellow comes home thoroughly plastered every night."

"I think some of our Government departments should see about giving themselves more appropriate names. Our military ministry, seeing as we are neutral, should be called the Department of the Fence. And surely the Department of Agriculture is a poor title - would it not be better to call it the Department of Yokel Government?"

- Myles na Gopaleen.

Reloc8 · 06-03-2012 9:17am

This guy works as a magician on a cruise ship - loves the job. He does his show at the cabaret every evening with matinees at the weekend. Goes down a treat with the passengers.

Then one day the barman stops off on one of the islands and brings back a parrot to keep as a pet. The parrot's perch is right beside the stage and it promptly begins to ruin the magician's life.

What it does is it shouts out to the audience how he's doing his tricks, every single one of them. 'SQWAWK he's got it up his sleeve' 'SQWAWK he's using a mirror'. Every single time. Ruins the guy's life. This goes on for a couple of years.

One night when the magician is asleep in his cabin he wakes up and realises the ship is sinking. Manages to struggle out a port hole and get to the surface, climbs onto a table that's floating nearby, looks around, he's the only survivor.

Next morning, the same, no one else seems to have made it out. He sees a small speck in the air miles up, and as the speck circles around coming down the whole time he begins to realise, its the parrot, the bane of his life, the only other living thing that made it out of the ship. The parrot lands on his table and looks at him.

They stare at each other all day, and just as the magician is about to try and grab the parrot to a) finally kill it and b) eat it the Parrot cocks his head at him and says.

'Alright. Fair play. What did you do with the ship ?'

edit : crap ! its a repost.

admiralofthefleet · 06-03-2012 6:18pm

I was chatting to the girl sitting next to me on the train this morning.

For some reason, I couldn't understand a single word that was coming out of her tits.

ringadingding · 06-03-2012 8:28pm

Kurt cobain killed himself one month after Justin beiber was born.

He knew

Marcin_diy · 07-03-2012 2:01am

Irish humour is slightly different to Polish, I can't understand some of jokes, but hope you will understand these few below. They are translated by me from Polish, hope you get the point and it will make a sense to you.

-Son! I've found condom in your room yesterday!
- It is possible grandpa
- Grandpa?
- yep Grandpa thats cos I couldn't find it yesterday
*******************
In the pharmacy

- Can I get 30 condoms?
- do you need a bag?
- No my GF is quite pretty.
*************************

prisoner escaped from the jail. he broke in to the house looking for some cash, gold etc, but he found only young couple in the bed.
He is telling the man to get off bed, sit on the chair, and then burglar bind the man to it. next - he bind woman to the bed, kiss her neck, and goes to the bathroom.
When prisoner is away husband tells to his wife:
- Listen this guy just escaped from the jail, look at his clothes, he must have spent many years there and he didn't see a woman for a long time. I've seen how he was kissing you in your neck. if he wants se*x be quiet and do everything he ask you to do, he is dangerous for sure.
Be strong honey, I love you and remember - he can kill us.

Wife answers:
- he didn't kiss my neck, he whispered into my ear that he is a gay, and you are beautiful. he asked if we have vaseline in the bathroom . Be strong honey, I love you.

*******************
Blonde goes for a walk - she is at the river bank when she see another blonde on the other river bank
- heyy - another one screams - how can I get onto another side?
1st blonde looks at her and reply - but you are already on the other side.

More to follow if i get few thanks

Daniel S · 07-03-2012 2:05am

Marcin_diy wrote: »

I

-Son! I've found condom in your room yesterday!
- It is possible grandpa
- Grandpa?
- yep Grandpa thats cos I couldn't find it yesterday
*******************
In the pharmacy

- Can I get 30 condoms?
- do you need a bag?
- No my GF is quite pretty.
*************************

prisoner escaped from the jail. he broke in to the house looking for some cash, gold etc, but he found only young couple in the bed.
He is telling the man to get off bed, sit on the chair, and then burglar bind the man to it. next - he bind woman to the bed, kiss her neck, and goes to the bathroom.
When prisoner is away husband tells to his wife:
- Listen this guy just escaped from the jail, look at his clothes, he must have spent many years there and he didn't see a woman for a long time. I've seen how he was kissing you in your neck. if he wants se*x be quiet and do everything he ask you to do, he is dangerous for sure.
Be strong honey, I love you and remember - he can kill us.

Wife answers:
- he didn't kiss my neck, he whispered into my ear that he is a gay, and you are beautiful. he asked if we have vaseline in the bathroom . Be strong honey, I love you.

*******************
Blonde goes for a walk - she is at the river bank when she see another blonde on the othe bank
- heyy - another one screams - how can I get onto another side?
1st blonde looks at her and reply - but you are already on the other side.

More to follow if i get few tanks

Don't get the first, second is very good, heard the third one a million times and the fourth one is alright

Curly Judge · 07-03-2012 2:17am

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman were lost in the jungle and were captured by a tribe of cannibals.
They were about to be thrown into a big pot and cooked alive when the chief of the tribe turned up, and, being a sporting sort of chap, offered to release them if in total their dicks measured 20 inches. [This was pre-metrication]
The Scotsman took his out first and it measured a whopping 10 inches.
The Englishman subscribed an eight inch specimen.
When it came to The Irishman's turn he barely managed to produce the essential two inches.
Being a man of his word the chief let them go and they raced off through the jungle anxious to put as much distance between themselves and the cannibals as possible.
The Scotsman boasted that it was a good job he had a 10 inch whopper or more than their goose would have been cooked.
Not to be outdone the Englishman said that it was fortuitous that he had the 8 inch weapon to display.
Trundling along behind them Paddy said that it was; "A good job I had a horn at the time"!

Marcin_diy · 07-03-2012 3:07am

In UK people were asked question if they prefer to be calld British or English
Majority replied.. Polish.

******

There are lot of jokes and comments about Polish stealing cars in Germany
One of them is:
Why Russians always steal 2 cars/ not 1 in Germany?
- Cos they need to go back through Poland.
************
Do you know why the new football stadium they built in Warsaw could not be used?
No matter where you sat you were behind a Pole.
*******************
A Polish guy married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: Ja, Ja, un acre und half.

LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: No, I always up before her.

LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
POLE: No, she white.

LAWYER: Why do you want this divorce?
POLE: She going to kill me.

LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I gut proof.

LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She bought bottle at drug store, und put on shelf in bathroom. I cun read - it sez "Polish Remover."
***********

frag420 · 07-03-2012 12:24pm

What's were the Poles doing during WW2??

Holding up the fences!!

forfuxsake · 07-03-2012 12:35pm

frag420 wrote: »

What's were the Poles doing during WW2??

Holding up the fences!!

Best Polish joke I've heard about the war was in Poland, by a a beautiful sad looking Polish girl. Sorry if it has been posted before as it is quite a commonly used joke by the locals in Krakow.

'My grandfather died in Auschwitz' she says
'That's terrible' I sympathized
'Yes' she continued 'he slipped from the watchtower whilst taking drunken pot-shots at the Jews, and broke his neck'

faceman · 07-03-2012 12:37pm

2 nuns in a bath, one says to the other, "wheres the soap?" The other says, "yes it does"

Daniel S · 07-03-2012 12:40pm

faceman wrote: »

2 nuns in a bath, one says to the other, "wheres the soap?" The other says, "yes it does"

You've made me feel stoopid.

I don't get it. :pac:

kojack · 07-03-2012 12:45pm

A man is walking behind his wife and says "baby you are so fat now your bum looks like a washing machine." The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking.

Bed time, the man is asking for sex. The woman says, "I can't start the washing machine for such a small load. You'll have to handwash!"

--Kaiser-- · 07-03-2012 1:00pm

Daniel S wrote: »

You've made me feel stoopid.

I don't get it. :pac:

Think of the sentence as 'wears the soap, doesn't it?'

hairyprincess · 07-03-2012 7:12pm

A blonde was driving down the M50 knitting. A guard in a squad car shouts to her, "pull over, pull over".

The blonde replies "no, it's a scarf"!

Adiboo · 07-03-2012 8:10pm

hairyprincess wrote: »

A blonde was driving down the M50 knitting. A guard in a squad car shouts to her, "pull over, pull over".

The blonde replies "no, it's a scarf"!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGu0B6kL9eM

kfallon · 07-03-2012 8:46pm

I’m not saying my wife is a slag but even the labels in her knickers say next.

DannyKing · 07-03-2012 8:50pm

What do you call a fridge with a scarf?

Rupert the fridge

kfallon · 07-03-2012 8:51pm

A woman was talking to her neighbor about the expensive vet bills
she was facing each year when she takes her dog for a check upand all he seems to do is trim the hair in his ears and it sets her back £60.

"Why don't you do it yourself get some of the hair remover from the chemist it's only a few qiud you can save yourself some money", suggest the neighbour.

"Great idea I'll give it a go." So off she goes to the chemist.

Speaking to the chemist she asks him for a tube of hair remover.
He says "excuse me but would you mind if I give you some advice".
"No not at all."

"If you use this under your arms I wouldn't use deodorant for 12 hours"

"It's not for under my arms"

"Oh then if you use it on your legs don't wear tights for a day"

"It's not for my legs either, it's for my Schnauzer!"

"Oh I see", says the chemist, "then in that case don't ride a bike for a week!!!"

:pac:

Spread · 10-03-2012 10:38pm

Question: How many vegans does it take to eat a hamburger?

Answer: One ............

if nobody's looking

cranks · 10-03-2012 10:52pm

Wife complains to husband: 'You're always pushing me about and talking behind my back"

Husband to wife: "What do you expect, you're in a wheelchair"

carrick79 · 11-03-2012 4:36am

This isn't relevant anymore but we'll tell it anyways...

The owner of Apple walked by my window and took my Mr.Sheen. Typical f**king Jobs, coming over here and stealing our Polish...

Ledger · 11-03-2012 11:15am

carrick79 wrote: »

This isn't relevant anymore but we'll tell it anyways...

The owner of Apple walked by my window and took my Mr.Sheen. Typical f**king Jobs, coming over here and stealing our Polish...

there's the door. --->

44leto · 11-03-2012 11:23am

A man is driving down the motorway in a lorry, a car comes up beside him beeping his horn shouting "you are losing your load" the lorry driver shouts down "would you F off" but the driver persists, "you are losing your load for miles now", the lorry driver again tells him to "F OFF". But the driver shouts again, so the driver pulls in and the driver stops, and says again look you are losing your load, "Yeah I KNOW I am gritting the roads"

cruiser178 · 11-03-2012 10:14pm

What do you get if you turn 2 blonds upside-down?

A brunette

Nodster · 11-03-2012 10:46pm

Why did the baker's hands smell?

...Cause he kneaded a poo

tfitzgerald · 11-03-2012 11:35pm

cruiser178 wrote: »

What do you get if you turn 2 blonds upside-down?
A brunette

A lot of people use smartphones these days and spoilers really do spoil the joke

mufcboy1999 · 12-03-2012 12:19am

Am I the only who doesn't get these spoiler jokes?

What's the catch behind them honestly I'm lost lol

admiralofthefleet · 12-03-2012 12:23am

i saw a sign today that made me piss myself........toilets closed

pebbles21 · 12-03-2012 1:16am

A Nagger brings his wife to the hospital with two black eyes,bloody nose and a broken jaw

Nurse asks "What happened?"

Nagger "Shes going through the change luv!"

Nurse "you dont end up like that going through the change!"

Nagger "Ye do when its the change in me pockets!!"

Ledger · 12-03-2012 11:45am

tfitzgerald wrote: »

A lot of people use smartphones these days and spoilers really do spoil the joke

Tap the spoiler, it will show then. Does on mine anyway. (SonyEricsson X8)

Wossack · 12-03-2012 12:24pm

iphone you have to copy and paste it into the search box - bit finicky

Sitec · 12-03-2012 7:46pm

As the nurse delivered our baby, I told my wife:

"Wow, she's absolutely stunning."

My wife looked confused as she held the newborn baby in her arms.

She said, "Dave, it's a he, not a she...

"I replied, "what do you mean? Have you seen the tits on that nurse?

Will I Amnt · 12-03-2012 8:53pm

Wossack wrote: »

iphone you have to copy and paste it into the search box - bit finicky

Tapping the spoiler works for me,are you not using the touch site??
http://touch.boards.ie

Galway K9 · 13-03-2012 2:31pm

My brother raped a hooker last week. They arested him for theft

Galway K9 · 13-03-2012 5:47pm

A radio station was running a
competition – words that
weren’t in the dictionary yet
could still be used in a sentence
that would make logical sense.
The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your
name?”
Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”
DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”
Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N
pronounced ‘go-an’.”
DJ: “You are correct, Dave,
‘goan’ is not in the dictionary.
Now, for a trip to Bali: What
sentence can you use that word
in that would make sense?”
Caller: “Goan f uck yourself!”
The DJ cut the caller off and
took other calls, all unsuccessful
until:
DJ: “96 FM, what’s your name?”
Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.”
DJ: “Jeff, what’s your word?”
Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E,
pronounced ‘smee’.”
DJ: “You are correct, Jeff,
‘smee’ is not in the dictionary.
Now, for a trip to Bali: What
sentence can you use that word
in that would make sense?”
Caller: “Smee again! Goan f uck
yourself!”?

policarp · 14-03-2012 1:01pm

The first time I had brussel sprouts I wanted to know who made a balls of the cabbage. . .

frag420 · 14-03-2012 1:07pm

policarp wrote: »

The first time I had brussel sprouts I wanted to know who made a balls of the cabbage. . .

D- Must try harder.

kincsem · 14-03-2012 5:17pm

I robbed this from the Betfair Forum Chit Chat (posted by **** Happens)

Banned from Sainsburys

Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Ha Ha!!!

patmac · 14-03-2012 5:28pm

Just got back from a holiday in Thailand, and came that close to shaggin' a lady-boy.
Looked like a woman, spoke like a woman, walked like a woman and kissed like a woman.
It was only when she drove me back to her place and reversed parked into a narrow parking space,in the dark, with no problem,
Then I thought . . .
Just a bloody minute!

--Kaiser-- · 14-03-2012 5:30pm

frag420 wrote: »

D- Must try harder.

It's at least a B+

frag420 · 14-03-2012 7:50pm

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

frag420 wrote: »

D- Must try harder.

It's at least a B+

No guff!!

mr.jingle · 14-03-2012 9:48pm

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen:
MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

uberalles · 14-03-2012 10:20pm

Two cannibals kidnap a circus performer.
Later that evening they cook him up in a stew and have dinner.
During the meal one cannibal turns to the other cannibal and says ......

does this clown taste funny to you?

admiralofthefleet · 15-03-2012 3:26am

todays top tip for cheltenham

lunch hour

12/1

16-03-2012 7:37pm

BEST LAWYER / INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY

This took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.
The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA ... NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS THEY ARE NUTS!

cruiser178 · 16-03-2012 11:01pm

not saying my girlfriends a slag but even the label on her knickers says next.

Pottler · 19-03-2012 1:13am

Our Lord said to St Paul-"come forth and enjoy eternal life".
St Paul raced, came fifth and only won a toaster.

Canard · 19-03-2012 1:47am

Haha the one about arson is in my business book, epic

dublinman1990 · 19-03-2012 2:23am

The joke I have here is between a train; a terrorist and a catholic priest.

This terrorist blows up a train which contained a max total of 800 people. After such time he did the job; he goes into a confession box and tell the priest his sins.

The priest asks him; What sins have you committed my child?

He says he had bombed a train which left 370 passengers killed and 470 injured.
After all the prayers were said during confession; The penance comes up. And Lord behold us; this is what he said.

Priest: Now my child, for your penance; would you do the stations?

EDIT* Sorry for the Mistake.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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