The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

podgemonster · 14-10-2011 5:10pm

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb.

1

Sgt. Bilko 09 · 15-10-2011 1:58am

Did you hear about swingers getting it on outside...

its intents

krustydoyle · 15-10-2011 2:31am

I went to the barbers and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise. The barber gave me a cushion to sit on

I walked into a shop to find the two young, female assistants flicking their beans. I ****ing love Starbucks

I hate having to walk through parks alone at night. Makes me wonder why I became a rapist in the first place.

My job is to crush soft drink cans. It's soda pressing

Remember muslim ladies, the kitchen is only a stones throw away

I'm an ohmosexual. I can only get it up if there's resistance.

I didn't lose my virginity until I was 25. It took me that long to save up for a van.

senorwipesalot · 15-10-2011 12:38pm

Ed Zachery Disease

A woman was very distraught that she had not had a date for over five years. She was afraid that there might be something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical expertise with the well, known Chinese therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said 'OK, take off all your crose.' The woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.' Again the women did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' As she did Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. 'Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf it or dates.'

The woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God, Dr. Chang what is Ed Zachery disease?'

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachery disease is when your face look Ed Zachery like your arse.

Capt'n Midnight · 15-10-2011 1:14pm

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.

The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I just have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road, and I'm on my break. ", explains the duck.

The landlord serves him and he drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".

"At the circus", says the landlord.

"The circus?", the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the landlord.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?", asks the duck.

"That's right!", says the landlord.

The duck looks confused, "What the hell would they want with a plasterer?"

Rocky_Dennis · 15-10-2011 4:33pm

Can't wait for the world cup semi tomorrow, the last time I was this worried about a semi was watching broke back mountain

Hal Emmerich · 15-10-2011 9:05pm

Man and Wife are out shopping together, Wife see some Shoes she wants but her Husband says "NO WAY! They're way too expensive."

Later that night in Bed he lays a Hand on his Wifes Pussy, She says, "I don't fuking think so Mate! If you can't afford to Shoe the Horse, then you ain't fuking riding her".

10green bottles · 15-10-2011 11:32pm

I went to the butchers and said I bet you can't reach that meat on top shelf........he said steaks are too high...........,,,boom boom.........I'll get my coat

3rdDegree · 16-10-2011 3:34am

What's the similarity between a northside girl and a bowling ball?

They both take three fingers and you fcuk them up and alley.

3rdDegree · 16-10-2011 3:59am

Guy was out for a few beers and was just paying a visit to the men's room before he went home. In the toilet he found what appeared to be a very drunk man slumped on the floor. He thought, I can't leave this fellow like this, so he picks him up and props him against the wall. But the poor drunk just slides down the wall into a drunken heap. He repeats this a number of times with same result.

So our friend decides, no way can I leave this poor guy like this. I need to take him home. So, he finds the unconscious fellow's wallet and sees that he lives very close. He hefts him up and tries to walk him out the door. But this guy is drunker than our good Samaritan has ever seen anyone. The guy can't stand, let alone walk.

Our do-gooder friend is forced to drag the man out of the bar and down the street to his house. Eventually, he gets to the guy's front door. He attempts to prop the drunk against the wall with the intention of ringing the doorbell and then running off. But the drunk just slides down the wall into a heap on the ground. There's nothing for it, he can't just leave the guy like this. Holding him up as best he can, he rings the doorbell. Eventually, a woman answers. She is obviously disgusted with what she sees. Even more so when our friend looses his grip on his charge's coat and the poor drunk guy slides down to the doorstep in an unconscious heap.

"I'm very sorry to bring him home to you in this state, Ma'am", he says.
"Never mind the state of him", she says, "where the fcuk is his wheelchair?"

Curly Judge · 16-10-2011 4:50pm

Virginia was her name.
They called her Virgin for short.
But not for long!

ringadingding · 17-10-2011 12:08am

I gave my wife a massive orgasm last night.

The ungrateful bitch spat it back out

admiralofthefleet · 17-10-2011 12:14am

3rdDegree wrote: »

What's the similarity between a northside girl and a bowling ball?
They both take three fingers and you fcuk them up and alley.

how do you know when a southside girl has had an orgasm?

she drops her accent

JessicaRabbit · 17-10-2011 12:29am

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"

Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?"

The Englishman says "In the car."

Paddy replies "That's the quickest!"

JessicaRabbit · 17-10-2011 12:30am

Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and Paddy Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

Paddy Englishman opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Ham and English mustard again! If I get ham and mustard one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

Paddy Scotsman opened his lunch and said, "Haggis again. If I get a haggis sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

Next day Paddy Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.

Paddy Englishman opens his lunch, sees ham and English mustard and jumps too.

Paddy Scotsman opens his lunch, sees the haggis and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral Paddy Englishman’s wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of ham and mustard I never would have given it to him again!

Paddy Scotsman’s wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him cheese! I didn't realise he hated haggis so much."

Everyone turned and stared at Paddy Irishman’s wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch".

niallo27 · 17-10-2011 1:01am

I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents. We had a lovely evening and after she'd gone, my dad leaned over and said "Son, i think she is a keeper."

"Awww dad thanks, what make you say that."

"She smells of elephant ****."

niallo27 · 17-10-2011 1:03am

It's being proven that 9 out of 10 single women who sit at home and have conversations with their cats are mentally disturbed.

My dogs full of usefull information like that.

admiralofthefleet · 17-10-2011 1:11am

This guy from over the road was talking to me earlier.

"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the milkman," he confided.

"What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"

"Yes," he laughed, cheering up.

"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"

policarp · 17-10-2011 2:21am

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

This guy from over the road was talking to me earlier.

"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the milkman," he confided.

"What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"

"Yes," he laughed, cheering up.

"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"

'cause she has big milk jugs.

Ronin247 · 17-10-2011 7:13pm

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

how do you know when a southside girl has had an orgasm?
she drops her accent

how do you know when a northside girl has had an orgasm?

She drops her chips

redcortina · 17-10-2011 7:49pm

Southside girls don't come they arrive

:D:D

Hal Emmerich · 17-10-2011 8:22pm

redcortina wrote: »

Southside girls don't come they arrive :D:D

LOL, first post and all.

Welcome to boards!

redcortina · 17-10-2011 8:24pm

Hal Emmerich wrote: »

LOL, first post and all.

Welcome to boards!

Thanks!:)

Curly Judge · 17-10-2011 9:17pm

An English tourist was complaining about the street lighting in in a little midland town.
"Is it always as dark as this around here?", he asked a local.
The local man replied, "Ah not at all. It gets much brighter in the morning"

4leto · 17-10-2011 9:22pm

Ronin247 wrote: »

how do you know when a northside girl has had an orgasm?
She drops her chips

While using the bus shelter for protection,

ctrl-alt-delete · 17-10-2011 9:25pm

JessicaRabbit wrote: »

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"

Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?"

The Englishman says "In the car."

Paddy replies "That's the quickest!"

Similar theme to the above,

Englishman: Hey Paddy, can you tell me how to get to Cork?

Irishman: How did you know my name was Paddy?

Englishman: I guessed . ..

Irishman: Well you can guess your fcuking way to Cork too!

Not the best I've ever heard, but the one above reminded me of it

Balfie · 18-10-2011 11:53pm

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble?

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if that fuking ice cream truck hadn't come along.

BOHtox · 18-10-2011 11:58pm

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

how do you know when a southside girl has had an orgasm?
she drops her accent

southside girls, fake orgasms, real jewellery
Northisde girls, real orgasms, fake Jewellery

smash · 20-10-2011 10:49am

I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Muslim friend in bleach, I thought I'd try to lighten Mahmood..

Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when You're drunk" husband says "thats not true....... sometimes i want a kebab"

I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great!
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut it up and go to sleep!"

My son was sent home from school for swearing today.
I said what did you say?
He said the c word.
I said it wasn't clever, was it?
He said no, it was c*nt.

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!

4leto · 20-10-2011 11:01am

Nerd jokes which few will get or laugh at, so MAYBE neutrinos can travel faster then light so.

The barman says sorry we don’t serve neutrinos
A Neutrino walks into a bar

Neutrino who, Who’s there knock knock.

I know I crack myself up.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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