BF slept with prostitute abroad....

LegacyUser · 08-01-2009 12:36pm #1

Was going through rough patch with BF when he went on hols abroad with his friend to Thailand. Im not naive so knew there would be good chance they would use prostitutes while there and told him I didn't want to know bout it - just be safe so he wouldn't come back with anything.

He's now home and condom split while over so he had to tell me and he's getting it checked out. Its starting to bother me now. What if he has got HIV? What if he thinks he can get away with cheating on me at home (I wouldn't put up with this).

Its put such a downer on his return. Now i'm questioning whether I should split up with him over this. This break was to give us time to think bout whether we wanted long term relationship. We are together a year now and happy most of the time but were both happy being single before.

Anyone got any advice?

beth-lou · 08-01-2009 12:58pm

You gave your boyfriend permission to sleep with a protitute and he did. What did you expect?

I honestly am baffled that any woman would accept this kind of behaviour. Leave him and work on your self esteem. That is not acceptable behaviour in a healthy relationship.

miders · 08-01-2009 1:00pm

you think its ok from him to cheat abroad?but on home turf its wrong?

homerun_homer · 08-01-2009 1:04pm

I know prostitution is more of a guy thing and it's not typical for girls to use a male prostitute, especially when travelling. So from my perspective I would be horrified if a girlfriend, on a break from me or not, slept with a prostitute. I'm not a prude by any means but I would find it such a cheap & sleazy thing for the OH to do, and it may not even boil down to a trust issue afterwards - just an ethical one.

The fact that he could now have an STD is further off putting. IMO you should get rid of him.

John Mason · 08-01-2009 1:04pm

OMG:eek:

you reap what you sow - you sent him off on holidays and gave him your blessing to sleep with prostitutes and now you are complaining

sorry no sympathy for you. get yourself and himself tested and pray he doesnt decide to go to Amsterdamn on holliers next year.

Seriously though - the mind boggles, i cant believe you told him it was okay to sleep with other people :eek:

Jumpy · 08-01-2009 1:06pm

beth-lou wrote: »

You gave your boyfriend permission to sleep with a protitute and he did. What did you expect?

I honestly am baffled that any woman would accept this kind of behaviour. Leave him and work on your self esteem. That is not acceptable behaviour in a healthy relationship.

To be fair, "healthy" relationships arent a set standard.
You forgot the "In my opinion" bit.

If it bothered her that much, she wouldnt have said it.
People should be really careful of what comes out of their mouth OP, if you didnt mean it, then dont say it.
Right now I would make it very clear that now the break is over that you are the one and only, any further carry on in the other women department will get him a swift gutter kick.
Of course if you cant get over it, then break it off. It wont be fair on you or him if you seethe over this.

Kintarō Hattori · 08-01-2009 1:06pm

Sleeping with a prostitute is never cool OP and you essentially gave him permission to do so. You need to take a long hard look at your relationship, ask yourself is it healthy/normal and where can it go.

Any guy who would willingly sleep with another woman doesn't deserve to be in a relationship.

That Girl.. · 08-01-2009 1:55pm

Cheating on you with a random girl is soo not acceptable but with a prostitute, thats just disgusting..
Cheating is cheating and you practically gave him the right to sleep with someone else..

Thats not how a relationship is supposed to be..

I think you should stay away from him if he had no bother doing this to you.

partyguinness · 08-01-2009 2:02pm

The only positive here (no puns intended) is that he told you..he could have said nothing or denied it.

MagicMarker · 08-01-2009 2:07pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Anyone got any advice?

Retain what little self respect you have and get rid of him.

CianRyan · 08-01-2009 2:07pm

You gave him permision, he hasnt done anything wrong, relationship wise.

I'm against prostitution, so i dont think its good that he did it, weather he was with you or not.

I have no symapthy tbh, you can't tell some one its ok to do something and then get pissed off when they do it.
Wrecks my head when girls do this...

PurpleBerry · 08-01-2009 2:08pm

I do think you should seriously consider ending things with this bloke. Not for anything that he did in Thailand, after all, you gave him your full permission, but because of the fact that you do not mind if he cheats on you with a Thai prostitute. That rings an alarm bell.

I just personally feel that it's not quite healthy to not mind if he sleeps with foreign prostitues while on holiday. Surely if he were worthy of a long-term, committed, monogamous relationship then you would mind? That's assuming you want a long-term, committed, monogamous relationship.

Wagon · 08-01-2009 2:13pm

It's your own fault, you gave him permission. But your logic gave me a good aul' laugh all the same. Sort yourself out.

LegacyUser · 08-01-2009 2:27pm

Hi OP here again.

I'm not making excuses for him but....

I didn't tell him he could sleep with prostitute but did say if it happened to be careful. This trip was something he had planned before we met but at the time didn't happen. Then his mate asked him to go and as it was something he always wanted to do I agreed we would have that time to do our own thing to see if we really missed eachother which we did.

Thailand is known for its sex trade and I think most men who go there are curious and wanna try out stuff they can't at home. The guy with him did the same and his GF will probably never know. I know alot of people think its mad that I think this is ok but it was a once in a lifetime opportunity for him.

He is a great guy and I don't think he would ever cheat on me other than this and he is sorry (not only cause of condom splitting). He told me before he left he didn't wanna be with anyone else. I'm not having doubts cause of the prostitute...its the scare of the STI/HIV thats freaked me out. He's not gonna get off lightly over the cheating but we kinda were on break.

I do this its awful this has happened but I think I can get over it cause we are good together. I guess my attitude to these things is different to other people.

Craft25 · 08-01-2009 2:36pm

It seems we've had enough of people telling the OP it was her own fault, i'm sure she's asked herself that question, everybody makes mistakes, now is the time to look forward. Having said that, i would want my girlfriend to want me passionately & exclusively, so if she gave me the 'green light' it would actually feel like a kick in the balls. He may have acted out a self fulfilling prophesy.

It is good that he told you, you have a period now waiting for the results where you can both take a hard look at things, possibly involve a third party, a counsellor/couples therapy. Try be unflinchingly honest and see where it leads.

Why was there trouble, was it because the magic wore off, it might be a time to take a pragmatic look at things?

Did the condom break and he got out of there and ran away? I can picture a situation where he's over there getting egged on by one of the lads, thinkin, "**** it, she doesnt even care if i do or i dont", goes in fumbles around, rips condom , runs away. I dont know, only you do, and i'm not absolving him of all guilt.. ask yourself, is he worth a chance. But youll both need concerted, prolonged effort on this one.

BaZmO* · 08-01-2009 2:49pm

Unregistered wrote: »

He's now home and condom split while over so he had to tell me and he's getting it checked out. Its starting to bother me now.

It's only starting to bother you now?

Unregistered wrote: »

What if he thinks he can get away with cheating on me at home (I wouldn't put up with this).

I'm sorry but if you give your boyfriend permission to cheat when he's away (and with a prostitute at that!) he's always going to think it's ok to cheat. He's stepped over the line now and it'll never be a big deal for him to do it again.

Unregistered wrote: »

Anyone got any advice?

Be more careful in your next relationship.

Gone Drinking · 08-01-2009 2:59pm

If i were you, i'd do what the condom did.. split.

DamoKen · 08-01-2009 3:07pm

Craft25 wrote: »

Having said that, i would want my girlfriend to want me passionately & exclusively, so if she gave me the 'green light' it would actually feel like a kick in the balls.

was thinking the same, if a girlfriend of mine said use protection when going away on a stag/lads weekend/whatever major alarm bells would sound. First thought would be wtf is she planning that weekend???

If you didn't think it was ok for him to do it you need to really learn how to express what you're thinking. Sounds like you took it for granted he was going to be with someone when away, that alone would end it for me.

Think you really need to examine your self esteem, resigning yourself to the "fact" your OH is going to stray while away and going for damage control rather than prevention is a really odd way of dealing with something that would normally spell the end of a relationship.

BaZmO* · 08-01-2009 3:08pm

Unregistered wrote: »

I didn't tell him he could sleep with prostitute but did say if it happened to be careful.

But by saying that you implied that it was ok.

Unregistered wrote: »

Thailand is known for its sex trade and I think most men who go there are curious and wanna try out stuff they can't at home. The guy with him did the same and his GF will probably never know. I know alot of people think its mad that I think this is ok but it was a once in a lifetime opportunity for him.

London is known for Jack the Ripper, doesn't mean you have to kill some Prostitutes when you go there.

I've been to Thailand and didn't sleep with a Prostitute, not that I think that there's anything wrong with, it's just not my thing, but I certainly didn't feel like I had to because it's expected.

Unregistered wrote: »

I guess my attitude to these things is different to other people.

I think you'll probably find that it is, but hey, it's your life and it's your choices.

petethebrick · 08-01-2009 3:10pm

I know a girl who gave the ok for her fella to sleep with a hooker in amsterdam while he was there on a lads weekend. Her reasoning was that she wanted him to 'get it out of his system' so he'd have no desire to try it in the future :eek:
needless to say they didn't last long^^

Delirium · 08-01-2009 3:14pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP here again.

I'm not making excuses for him but....

I didn't tell him he could sleep with prostitute but did say if it happened to be careful.

Did you actually tell him he couldn't sleep with a prostitute? Because I can't understand the logic of telling to use protection for something you told him you didn't want him doing.

Thailand is known for its sex trade and I think most men who go there are curious and wanna try out stuff they can't at home. The guy with him did the same and his GF will probably never know. I know alot of people think its mad that I think this is ok but it was a once in a lifetime opportunity for him.

This sounds like you don't have a problem with him having slept with a prostitute, just because he might never travel to Thailand again.

He is a great guy and I don't think he would ever cheat on me other than this and he is sorry (not only cause of condom splitting). He told me before he left he didn't wanna be with anyone else. I'm not having doubts cause of the prostitute...its the scare of the STI/HIV thats freaked me out. He's not gonna get off lightly over the cheating but we kinda were on break.

So now you're saying you weren't a couple when he went to Thailand?

Sorry if I'm picking things up wrong from your post, its just the way it reads to me.

PurpleBerry · 08-01-2009 3:19pm

I hope people here (including the OP) aren't assuming that the quote/unquote boyfriend only slept with one prostitute. It's possible but not likely.

LegacyUser · 08-01-2009 3:21pm

Just to clarify that I don't think its ok to use prostitutes but this was a once off for him and it wasn't pre-meditated. I don't think he used prostitute cause he thought i'd let him off with it if I found out. He said he didn't know how i'd react when he told me and was very worried about it. The situation was they were drinking all day & went to club where there was strippers and sex shows. The opportunity arose and since we were not sure what was gonna happen when the holiday finished he paid for sex. He didn't find her attractive, he feels guilty over it and he's never used prostitute before.

This is the longest relationship he's had and when we got together it was meant to be a fling but we just drifted into a relationship and before he left we talked bout a fresh start when he came home if we felt we missed eachother. The problem was we spent all our time together and became too dependant on eachother which wasn't healthy. We wern't sure if we were together just for convenience or because we loved eachother. While away he rang me and missed me and is glad to be home to me.

I was sorry I posted here when I read the first replies but I think its helped me sort it out in my head. I'm meeting him later to talk bout all this cause we havn't had much time since he got home. I understand why some people think I should not get back with him but I think its worth trying.

AnonoBoy · 08-01-2009 3:22pm

A once in a lifetime opportunity

?????

You do realise that there's prostitutes in Ireland too OP, don't you?

I hope you're abstaining from sex with him until he gets his results.

partyguinness · 08-01-2009 3:27pm

My current g/friend asked me had I ever been with prostitutes and I said no even though she said if I had it wouldnt bother her. She also asked how many women I ve slep with--golden rule-- NEVER TELL.

TBH- I have been with hookers in Canada, Mexico, Amsterdam, and Ireland.

While this is not a boast its prob double figures. Its all in the past (I hope!!). And yes I have been tested twice and all clear.

There is no way I would ever tell a g/friend.

No lectures please.

Sir Humphrey · 08-01-2009 3:33pm

Jumpy wrote: »

To be fair, "healthy" relationships arent a set standard.
You forgot the "In my opinion" bit.

"In my opinion" is surely an implied preface to every statement made here is it not?

Healthy relationships are certainly not a set standard but I would be surprised of the general spectrum is broad enough to include consorting with hookers or other women. People are funny like that sometimes.

LegacyUser · 08-01-2009 3:47pm

OP here again....

Yes I know there are prostitutes everywhere but he doesn't want to sleep with prostitutes. It was a once off and it was only one prostitute. He told me everything and I believe him. He hasn't put me at any risk cause he's gone to get checked out and we won't be sleeping together til we sort out this mess.

My first post was a bit vague....I should have said we were on a break but we both hoped the break would be good for us and believed we could sort things out when he got back. I think if I was in his position I would have experimented if I was away and didn't know what I was coming home to....although I wouldn't have chosen prostitute. The fact that it was prostitute is easier than if it was a girl he had fancied cause after all it was just for weird sex.

The reason I said bout the prostitutes to him before he left was cause I know other guys who were there who said they just did it outta curiosity. Maybe it was stupid thing to say but its done and can't be changed.

I am upset over it but it was one mistake. Im not a fool or a walk over and im not sure if it even was cheating because of the circumstances. I just wanted to talk to someone else bout it before I talk to him later.

LolaLuv · 08-01-2009 3:48pm

Unregistered wrote: »

I know alot of people think its mad that I think this is ok but it was a once in a lifetime opportunity for him.

I'm embarrassingly addicted to once-in-a-lifetime opportunities myself, but to accommodate that I stay single. If I were to get into a relationship, I would accept that it would mean an end to certain behaviors. I would not expect any guy I were with to look the other way sometimes so that I could still have single-gal adventures. This is largely because I'd have to care about someone an awful lot to give up being single for them, and caring means doing your damndest not to hurt the other person. Your man wants to have his cake and eat it too. The thing is, a relationship is about TWO people. Yours is currently only about one.

Sleipnir · 08-01-2009 4:04pm

Sir Humphrey wrote: »

"In my opinion" is surely an implied preface to every statement made here is it not?

ROFL! I know! It's such a silly, stupid thing to say! Of course it's my opinion, that's why I said it!

OP - You gave him permission to sleep with a hooker and now you wish...what? That he hadn't or that you hadn't given your permission?

TO be honest I'd be deeply offended if I was going to Thailand and my girlfriend said it would be okay if I shagged a hooker while I was over there.

"Jee, thanks darlin....."

beth-lou · 08-01-2009 4:06pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP here again.

I'm not making excuses for him but....

II do this its awful this has happened but I think I can get over it cause we are good together. I guess my attitude to these things is different to other people.

Your attitude to this isn't so different to other people. If it was you wouldn't now be questioning if he might cheat on you at home and aside from the testing thing, it wouldn't have raised doubts in your head. Once he gets the all clear, you'd forget about it and move on.

Your posts however suggest that contarary to how you thought you might feel about the situation, and all of the logic that you have used to excuse the act, your heart is hurting a bit and you are feeling a bit insecure. It's ok to feel like that. You're only human.

But sleeping with a virtual sex slave is not a once in a lifetime opportunity, there are lots of prostitutes here. I've been to Thailand, and I can tell you that prostitution is not glamourous or nice and the girls are for the most part in a bad situations, most of them paying off family debts. I would have to question how I felt about any man who could ignore that. And that's before I came to deal with how he could do that to me.

It's ok not to be cool with it. You're not going to be the greatest girlfriend on earth and it won't make it any easier to deal with if you keep telling yourself it was inevitable and it was the best way to deal with it. Be honest with yourself and be honest with him and the best of luck whatever you decide. But don't brush your feelings under the carpet in the hope that this will go away.

BaZmO* · 08-01-2009 4:09pm

At the risk of sounding all Ross Geller on this one, but if you were on a break he has done nothing wrong other than maybe telling you what he did, but his hand was kinda forced on that one.

You were silly to tell him it was ok to go with one in the first place but by the sounds of things you were trying to act all breezy and cool and didn't want to put pressure on him but you were even sillier bringing up the subject in the first place. As you've already said though, it's done now and you can't do anything about the past. But you can sort out your present future and as to whether or not you're both past the point of no return.

BF slept with prostitute abroad....

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