Generi AH Thread: Extreme Wa*king

m83 · 26-11-2006 3:16pm #1

I'm a walker. I walk everywhere. I do not drive as I do not own a car. Nor do I have a license or an inclination to drive. If I have a destination that's less than five miles away then you may just be lucky enough to see me walking there. In a sense you could say walking is my life. But that would be wrong because walking is simply what I do to get from one part of my life to the next. However there is one thing that really bothers me about walking, read on and you shall learn of my great manifesto.

Imagine this scenario if you dare: You're walking along a slightly narrower than normal footpath (or as I call them, foothpats but that's a whole new thread completely) and you turn around to see someone briskly walking in your direction about twenty yards behind you. Now already in your sick little twisted mind you're wondering if they are going to overtake you. Two minutes later and you feel a presence behind you. Looking to the ground you see the cold elongated shadow cast by the dying orange sun as you are about to get your comupance. Five seconds later and you can see them out of the corner of your eye then WHAMMO they're right beside you! Now this is the part that really grates on my nerves and keeps me awake at night. What do you do now my friend, why you slow down! WTF!? Why the f*ck are you slowing down?! Can two strangers not walk alongside eachother at the same pace? Why must one slow down, it's so humiliating and downright degrading! But wait, there's more. What does our overtaker do now in this tormented dance? He speeds up! WTF again??! Now you're at it too, are you for real?! You think you can just walk by me and expect me to slow down. Well what if I'm a faster walker than you? What if I speed up now, how d'ya like that buddy? Are you going to slow down now?! God no, the shame! Ok you bastard now I'm really gonna f*ck with your head. I'll let you pass me out you crazy lunatic with the quick walking and all that. I'll let you think everything is ok. I'll fall back a few steps, out of sight out of mind, right mister? WRONG! What's that behind you? Why it's me again! Ya ****face I'm gonna pass you out now! I own this foothpat and now tis you who'll be doing the slowing down! But after I pass you out, what am I gonna do? Well I'm gonna knock it back to granny pace and FORCE you to pass me out again! Ya beeatch, I'm a kerrrrrazy mudda****a! Hey, why are you crossing the road, come back! Please!?

cough cough, ahem... walking ftw.

poobum · 26-11-2006 3:27pm

all i can say is wow...

Thrill · 26-11-2006 3:28pm

So what your asking is, does anyone know the number of a good psychiatrist?:)

It doesn't bother me. I just move to the side and let them power on.

26-11-2006 3:31pm

Ah I thought this thread was going to be about masturbation!:(

Feral Mutant · 26-11-2006 3:33pm

Deleted User wrote:

Ah I thought this thread was going to be about masturbation!:(

Really? I didn't think it was going that way. You must just have a filthy mind, shame on you.

Mossy Monk · 26-11-2006 3:33pm

quite a rant (i think)

Heisenberg. · 26-11-2006 3:34pm

This post has been deleted.

26-11-2006 3:36pm

On a scale of 1 to 10 ranting, I would give it a ranking of 7.

Kur4mA · 26-11-2006 3:40pm

I thought it was gonna be about masturbation too tbh. This is AH after all

. But umm, if you knew someone was catching up on you then why didn't you speed up earlier? I'm confused. When is the sequel out?

Thrill · 26-11-2006 3:40pm

My rantometer clocked him going at 8.

Rb · 26-11-2006 3:55pm

The Scientist wrote:

Do you move seats?
I dunno man, its a crazy world out there.

T.Sc.

And if you do, what do you do if that person follows you?!

OP: You have issues buddy.

m83 · 26-11-2006 3:58pm

Twas thee Buckfast talking, not I.

Tar.Aldarion · 26-11-2006 3:59pm

This thread is my favourite one in quite a while, bravo sir.

Gordon · 26-11-2006 4:00pm

OP please don't ever drive.

Donald-Duck · 26-11-2006 4:05pm

Definitly move if its on the bus,I hate when the bus empties and I'm in the inside and the person just stays there.

Rb · 26-11-2006 4:07pm

m83 wrote:

Twas thee Buckfast talking, not I.

At 2pm on a Sunday afternoon?!You really do have issues so...alcoholic issues...

I mean, if you were at the game I'd understand but getting drunk and browsing Boards...

abelard · 26-11-2006 4:44pm

I'm a notoriously fast walker. It's JUST as awkward for the passer-outer, trust me.

Black Swan · 26-11-2006 4:48pm

OP: You are a creative writer. Perhaps a budding Edger Allen Poe? Consider writing more but posting it to the Creative Writing forum under Arts?

Wertz · 26-11-2006 5:21pm

I'm sorry...for a moment there I thought I wandered into TCN by way of some kind of malfunctioning link...carry on.

Nehpets · 26-11-2006 5:30pm

best thread ever

senordingdong · 26-11-2006 5:31pm

Ok, so it wasn't about masturbation, but it's still quality AH.

Faith · 26-11-2006 5:52pm

I actually get what the OP is talking about, and yeah, it's annoying! I hate people overtaking me and then I'm almost tripping up on their feet because they came back onto the footpath too close in front of me.

bluto63 · 26-11-2006 5:55pm

The Scientist wrote:

How about when your on a crowded bus sitting beside a randomer and slowly it empties until you figure out that you and the randomer are the only 2 on the bus and are getting off at the very last stop.
Do you move seats?
I dunno man, its a crazy world out there.

T.Sc.

Definetly move. I want my own seat.

Rb · 26-11-2006 6:03pm

Nehpets wrote:

best thread ever

Or since June anyway...

Pigman II · 26-11-2006 6:16pm

I'm quite competitive in this regard. I rarely see people overtake me and I certainly don't slow down when they are trying it. They better have a quick pair of heels and get a clear lead on me or they'll soon be back in 2nd place again!

thehomeofDob · 26-11-2006 6:47pm

I hate that 10-20 seconds it takes to overtake someone, especially if they're strange... walking beside a strange person like you're with them is annoying. Once I pass someone, I quicken my pace for about a minute to put enough distance between us an then I resume my usual pace (which is usually quite random whenever I have the ipod on shuffle).

Thrill · 26-11-2006 7:13pm

As if road rage isn't bad enough, now we have Path Rage.

Sparky · 26-11-2006 9:07pm

http://wordpress.com/signup/

kjt · 26-11-2006 9:10pm

Weirdo tbh

Nehpets · 26-11-2006 9:38pm

rb_ie wrote:

Or since June anyway...

Why bother? Just.. why?

And since you really seem to care, I've been here from before June :rolleyes:

Binomate · 26-11-2006 10:20pm

To be honest, you'd be better off falling back behind them and letting them think its all safe, then speed up behind them with a plank of wood and beat them to a pulp. Thats justice right there.

Rb · 26-11-2006 11:07pm

Binomate wrote:

To be honest, you'd be better off falling back behind them and letting them think its all safe, then speed up behind them with a plank of wood and beat them to a pulp. Thats justice right there.

I'm not surprised to read that posted from you tbh, after what you did to that poor, poor old man on Grafton Street.

faceman · 26-11-2006 11:09pm

Im lonely, i need a walk.

bluto63 · 26-11-2006 11:49pm

faceman wrote:

Im lonely, i need a walk.

In the rain? You won't be having any of this trouble if you do go out, you'll have the entire path to yourself

crosstownk · 26-11-2006 11:49pm

Man, I'm glad I drive everywhere. That walking business in downright scary..............

dSTAR · 27-11-2006 12:16am

What a way with words!

Have you considered writing as a career?

iFight · 27-11-2006 12:21am

haha, well written. Never let anybody pass me out walking either, treat it like a race all the time

Ruu_Old · 27-11-2006 12:22am

I do in the shop but then I have the trolleh to use as a weapon. Ram the basket into the auld wans.

fifth · 27-11-2006 12:27am

Yes! Brilliant, I'll stay well behind you.

Kold · 27-11-2006 2:34am

Howabout..... a narrow footpath, busy road, 3 people in front of you walking slow and you have no hope of passing for a while.. Do you slow down just to have a comfortable distance between you? What about when the road gets wider? Do you speed up then?

Donald-Duck · 27-11-2006 2:52am

Kold wrote:

Howabout..... a narrow footpath, busy road, 3 people in front of you walking slow and you have no hope of passing for a while.. Do you slow down just to have a comfortable distance between you? What about when the road gets wider? Do you speed up then?

Now theres a real problem

the_syco · 27-11-2006 9:28am

If I'm gonna pass you out, I'll pass you out. Simple as. Ye slow walker:D

If you're too slow, I'll pass you out. Overtake you. Bypass you, or stay on you're heels till you move to the side.

r3nu4l · 27-11-2006 12:04pm

OP, I feel your pain, I really do, it's a sad and terrible thing to be placed in such a position by anybody...but there is help at hand, phone 0800-ragewalk and we will do our best to soothe you on your way

We call it the 12-step program, one step at a time. When walking, bring an iPod with you in future, walk to the beat of the music you are listening to, I guess for you that will be hard-techno or Trash metal. When you come to that sticky situation where you feel the competetive urge just switch that iPod to something classical like Air on a G string or the Funeral March and walk to that beat instead, breathe deep, smell the (heavily polluted) air and think happy thoughts, the red mist will dissipate from your vision, your furrowed brow will lift and a feeling of peace and contentment will fill your being.

Once the slow b*stard has crossed the road, switch back to the techno and pump those feet

Huggles · 27-11-2006 2:17pm

Worse again when someone walking ahead of you at the same speed slams on to light a smoke.

To smokers everywhere, why can't you walk AND light a cig at the same time?

r3nu4l · 27-11-2006 2:31pm

TheGooner wrote:

Worse again when someone walking ahead of you at the same speed slams on to light a smoke.

To smokers everywhere, why can't you walk AND light a cig at the same time?

Interesting that you should raise this, at the last ragewalk community meeting we had a representative from the walking smokers alliance (WSA) who gave a 120-slides slideshow presentation about this.

Apparently the reason for stopping is to do with wind and speed direction when exposing a naked flame to the air. The speaker provided a walking demonstration which was very innovative and illustrated the point perfectly.

The WSA provide special lessons for their members in how to keep walking while lighting a smoking device (cigar, cigarello, cigarette):

1. Slow pace slightly but not so much as to disturb others walking behind you.
2. Cup hand around smoking device
3. Use Zippo or similarly functioning lighter to light smoking device

Fast walkers usually have greater problems lighting smoking devices.
It should be noted that fast walkers should not stop dead but instead pull over to the side of the path and light up before moving off again.

I hope this answers your question, the etiquette for walking smokers can be confusing and apparently differs in Continental Europe

Sp@rtacus · 27-11-2006 3:09pm

m83 wrote:

...or as I call them, foothpats but that's a whole new thread completely...

10/10 thread m83 - I cant wait for the sequel..."Speed IV: The Footpats, and this time it's personal"

(:eek:)

rb_ie wrote:

Binomate wrote:

To be honest, you'd be better off falling back behind them and letting them think its all safe, then speed up behind them with a plank of wood and beat them to a pulp. Thats justice right there.

I'm not surprised to read that posted from you tbh, after what you did to that poor, poor old man on Grafton Street.

I also just wanted to take a moment to applaud rb_ie's continuing dedication to roundly mocking Binomate's pensioner-bashing antics at every given opportunity

m83 · 27-11-2006 8:21pm

STOP EVERYTHING!

There's been a gross misunderstanding, back at the old well, aint that right flipper!? You see my thread was never intended to be about walking but indeed ****! Some silly swine replaced the L and N keys on my keyboard causing much hilarity to ensue! Drats and double drats, if it isn't the old switcheroo! Oh, how we laughed! My thread should have actually opened like this...

"I'm a wanker. I **** everywhere. I do not drive as I do not own a car. Nor do I have a license or an inclination to drive. If I have a destination that's less than five miles away then you may just be lucky enough to see me **** there. In a sense you could say **** is my life. But that would be wrong because **** is simply what I do to get from one part of my life to the next. However there is one thing that really bothers me about ****, read on and you shall learn of my great manifesto..."

But wait, sure that makes no sense at all ya great big feckin eejit! Wait til I get a hold'a ya! If some scamp really had done such a thing then the post would have read as follows...

"I'm a wanker. I **** everywhere. I do lot drive as I do lot owl a car. Lor do I have a Nicelse or al ilcnilatiol to drive. If I have a destilatiol that's ness thal five mines away thel you may just be nucky elough to see me wankilg there. Il a selse you cound say wankilg is my nife. But that would be wrolg because wankilg is simpny what I do to get from ole part of my nife to the lext. However there is ole thilg that reanny bothers me about wankilg, read ol ald you shann nearl of my great malifesto..."

meh....

But seriously I'm not actually that much of a freak, honestly you can ask the voices in my head and they'll tell you the same thing. It was just a slice of life wrapped in a candy flavoured prose.

As for all the lovers out there, well thanks alot for the two thumbs up, I'm laughin

I've never even remotely considered writing as a career. Fact is I've never even really written anything before this thread and was always fairly mediocre at English in school. I have a budding career in engineering now which suits me fine but perhaps m83 will strike again in classics life lesson threads such as..

THE DO'S AND DON'TS OF WALKING TOWARDS PEOPLE : Knowing where to point your gaze. How to meander to the side of the of the foothpat to avoid linear bumpage and more importantly how to KEEP your side. When to make eye contact and how many times (I generally following the Spidal Yekke Golden Rule in these tenuous times.) How to reciprocate a golden gaze with a beautiful wo-man. Walking past couples (Do not dare walk between them, it can lead to divorce!) When is it ok to elbow someone. How to avoid chuggers. How to make it clear to someone who is not dressed in running attire but is moving at a frightening speed until they catch sight of you and then slow down until you pass eachother out and then begin running again that you know what they're playing at. And much more!

HOW TO TIE YOUR SHOELACE IN PUBLIC WHILST RETAINING YOUR DIGNITY: You've seen you lace is open, you must act quickly, are there people around? Are you going to bend down or place your foot on the back of a nearby child? Is there someone walking behind you who will catch a rousing glimpse of your bottom? The pro's and con's of velcro. How to tuck a spare shoelace behind your ear for emergencies. How to apply the correct amount of torque to your shoe laces. Quadruple knots & double laces. Kevlar showlaces. Baggy trousers to hide your blushes. 5 Step plan to prepare for a "Lace Disgrace" (tm) - Breaking your shoelace. Using Google maps to keep track of your nearest shoelace retailer. Etc.

StAY tUnEd fOr mOrE !!!

----

Seacrest, out.

Tar.Aldarion · 27-11-2006 9:01pm

Poster of the year!

Seacreast!

Dooom · 27-11-2006 9:09pm

Roffle m83

Ruu_Old · 27-11-2006 9:28pm

One of the best AH threads this year (not hard and not often I say that, but all the same well done).

How would I deal with those nasty people who bash my shins with their prams (especially those double buggies, a bloody nightmare) and also stop to window shop, knowing well I am behind them? I would like to take them aside and slap them silly but would get me in a lot of bother. I tried taking a toy out, throwing it in front of the buggy and go in front to pick it up but got a belt across the head for doing that. Any advice, m83?

Sparky · 27-11-2006 11:52pm

OP, you give me bad ideas

Generi AH Thread: Extreme Wa*king

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