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your worst dates/sex/relationships etc..... Ladies & Lads!

Madame Razz

The other thread was getting out of hand....

Feel free to include your worst asshole experiences also....

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sam34

i was in bed with a fella and he was doing a bit of dirty talk...except he was crap at it, kept referring to my clit as my "love pimple" - seriously, WTF?????

it was very offputting, yet i didnt want to hurt his feelings by telling him to STFU

minidazzler

jen_da_fer wrote: »

Worst Sexual Experience:

I was texting my ex on and off for a few months, then they started to get very flirty. We went out for a year in 6th year but never bumped uglies so we started to talk about how 'if we could turn back time' etc :-)

Anyways, went to a nightclub this one Friday night and low and behold the ex is there, so we get to dancin and chattin and we have a quick kiss, and he asked me back to his 'for old times sake!'. So off we went.

First of all, white y fronts (the guy is 23). Took about 20 mins for him to 'warm up' (he wasn drunk), after we eventually got going he just stopped suddenly said 'I love this song' and got out of bed to turn it up. He continually changed positions every two minutes, and finally said after about five mins, 'i think im too cold' and rolled over and fell asleep WITH THE CONDOM STILL ON.

I left.

Next day I got a text saying 'Next time it would be better if you just lay still instead of trying too hard'

There was no next time!

I think someone may watch a bit too much pron.

[Deleted User]

sam34 wrote: »

"love pimple" - seriously, WTF?????

EEEwwwww!!!!:eek::eek::eek:

That man owes you and every woman who has ever had to hear this story, damages for pschyological trauma incurred.

sam34

Moonbaby wrote: »

EEEwwwww!!!!:eek::eek::eek:

That man owes you and every woman who has ever had to hear this story, damages for pschyological trauma incurred.

oh i know.

he was also referring to his bits as "he/him" and mine as "she/her", eg "he loves it when you do that" or "she's really..."

very very off-putting.

dirty talk is great, but there's a right and a wrong way, and that way was definitely the wrong way!

[Deleted User]

sam34 wrote: »

oh i know.

he was also referring to his bits as "he/him" and mine as "she/her", eg "he loves it when you do that" or "she's really..."

very very off-putting.

dirty talk is great, but there's a right and a wrong way, and that way was definitely the wrong way!

Haha, I think that's quite common, I was with a guy who did that. Didn't actually bother me at the time but now you mention it, it is annoying!

Wibbs

sam34 wrote: »

i was in bed with a fella and he was doing a bit of dirty talk...except he was crap at it, kept referring to my clit as my "love pimple" - seriously, WTF?????

it was very offputting, yet i didnt want to hurt his feelings by telling him to STFU

Oh. My. Gaaawwwd. Love pimple. You're damned lucky he didn't break out the clearasil.... or worse.:eek::D I had one lassie refer to my *ahem* as my "wee wee". Not cute in the least and the words "throbbing" and "massive" don't sit well with "wee wee".

Stop sniggering in the back you lot.

sam34

Wibbs wrote: »

Oh. My. Gaaawwwd. Love pimple. You're damned lucky he didn't break out the clearasil.... or worse.:eek::D I had one lassie refer to my *ahem* as my "wee wee". Not cute in the least and the words "throbbing" and "massive" don't sit well with "wee wee". Stop sniggering in the back you lot.

awh bless!

Wibbs

That doesn't help!:mad::mad::D

Madame Razz

Wibbs wrote: »

That doesn't help!:mad::mad::D

Lollersnort

!!!

sam34

sorry! couldnt resist!

ibanez777vbk

sam34 wrote: »

i was in bed with a fella and he was doing a bit of dirty talk...except he was crap at it, kept referring to my clit as my "love pimple" - seriously, WTF?????

it was very offputting, yet i didnt want to hurt his feelings by telling him to STFU

fook me love pimple wtf that all about thats embarassing (another numpty) man you girls know how to pick em

its great when you bed someone whos great at dirty talk,orgasm becomes very intense, yyyyyeah av it

sweetheart

ok as far as embarrassing sex story here goes:eek:
was going out with this guy for a few months and things were going good. we were out for a few drinks one night and i ended up back in his mothers house. one thing led to another and we started getting frisky on the kitchen table. BIG BANG... a very sentimental vase smashed on the floor as the table slightly toppled when i sat on it

:(:( enter mammy into the kitchen... i couldnt have been more sorry and nearly died of the embarressment. things blow over and we go to bed. carrying on our antics in the bedroom he decided to go give me oral sex:P:P, lights were off all was good and went to sleep when we finished.. cue wake up time :eek::eek::eek: i looked at him in the bed next to me and said WTF happened your face. yes you guessed it i got my period while he waa giving me oral and no idea it had happened...i dont know who was more distraught..i borrowed a top and left as quick as i could as even the bed was destroyed...needless to say neither of us contacted each other again

ibanez777vbk

sweetheart wrote: »

ok as far as embarrassing sex story here goes:eek:
was going out with this guy for a few months and things were going good. we were out for a few drinks one night and i ended up back in his mothers house. one thing led to another and we started getting frisky on the kitchen table. BIG BANG... a very sentimental vase smashed on the floor as the table slightly toppled when i sat on it :(:( enter mammy into the kitchen... i couldnt have been more sorry and nearly died of the embarressment. things blow over and we go to bed. carrying on our antics in the bedroom he decided to go give me oral sex:P:P, lights were off all was good and went to sleep when we finished.. cue wake up time :eek::eek::eek: i looked at him in the bed next to me and said WTF happened your face. yes you guessed it i got my period while he waa giving me oral and no idea it had happened...i dont know who was more distraught..i borrowed a top and left as quick as i could as even the bed was destroyed...needless to say neither of us contacted each other again

oooo er now thats embarasing,not your fault though.i would have been mortified if i were the dude.simular thing happend to me,i met a girl in a nightclub and took her back to my mothers house,i was giving her oral sex when my dad barged in and caught me red handed lol

minidazzler

sweetheart wrote: »

needless to say neither of us contacted each other again

I don't see why not, embarrassing, Hellz ya. But still a funny story ye could have laughed back on. He only earned his red wings like. Albeit, by accident.

ibanez777vbk

was going out with a girl few years ago and she tried to stick a giant dildo up my arse.she was told to get right out of town

weird

sweetheart wrote: »

ok as far as embarrassing sex story here goes:eek:
was going out with this guy for a few months and things were going good. we were out for a few drinks one night and i ended up back in his mothers house. one thing led to another and we started getting frisky on the kitchen table. BIG BANG... a very sentimental vase smashed on the floor as the table slightly toppled when i sat on it :(:( enter mammy into the kitchen... i couldnt have been more sorry and nearly died of the embarressment. things blow over and we go to bed. carrying on our antics in the bedroom he decided to go give me oral sex:P:P, lights were off all was good and went to sleep when we finished.. cue wake up time :eek::eek::eek: i looked at him in the bed next to me and said WTF happened your face. yes you guessed it i got my period while he waa giving me oral and no idea it had happened...i dont know who was more distraught..i borrowed a top and left as quick as i could as even the bed was destroyed...needless to say neither of us contacted each other again

Nasty.

ciagr297

sweetheart wrote: »

ok as far as embarrassing sex story here goes:eek:
was going out with this guy for a few months and things were going good. we were out for a few drinks one night and i ended up back in his mothers house. one thing led to another and we started getting frisky on the kitchen table. BIG BANG... a very sentimental vase smashed on the floor as the table slightly toppled when i sat on it :(:( enter mammy into the kitchen... i couldnt have been more sorry and nearly died of the embarressment. things blow over and we go to bed. carrying on our antics in the bedroom he decided to go give me oral sex:P:P, lights were off all was good and went to sleep when we finished.. cue wake up time :eek::eek::eek: i looked at him in the bed next to me and said WTF happened your face. yes you guessed it i got my period while he waa giving me oral and no idea it had happened...i dont know who was more distraught..i borrowed a top and left as quick as i could as even the bed was destroyed...needless to say neither of us contacted each other again

oh sweet lord, i can imagine this took some time to see the funnier side of

*cringe cringe cringe*

shivvyban

Not really my story but hand on heart this happened to one of my best mates!

She and some of our college mates were out in town and got talking to this guy one of them knew. She went home with him and got down to it.

The next morning they got up all is well and she's about to walk out of the room to go home but he shoves her into the closet because his housemate was up!

Then after that he turns to her and says 'I'd normally cook you breakfast but here's your bus fare'!

What a giving bloke!

johnnyc

have to say this is a funny thread but i have a question for all those women let down... i am a normal joe soul why do women require approval from friends to go out, what's the story there?

weird

pikachucheeks wrote: »

I've had a DISASTROUS love-life - this is just one of many situations I've been in ;

A friend hooked up with this Spanish guy one night and I got stuck chatting to his flatmate (they both lived in my apartment block) He seemed nice, but came on a bit too strong, to say the least - he sang me love songs on his guitar after knowing me for about an hour and requested to spend "the whole day" together the following day ... Creepy!

Despite all that, I stayed in touch, inviting him to apartment parties I had and such, as all my friends told me to give him a chance - and he seemed like a decent guy, if a little TOO intense!

One night, he text me asking if he could come over. It was about 12:30 and I was on my own in the apartment, I wanted to see what he wanted, so I agreed.

He came over, we chatted for a while, him asking me awkward questions like "What are you thinking about?" and "Why do you keep breaking eye-contact with me?" Awkward! Eventually, he moved in on me...

We kissed for about a minute, then he stood up, dropped his trousers AND boxers and asked me for a blowjob.

Then, when I got embarrassed, both for him and myself, he tried to grab my hands and put it on his ... member screaming "Just touch it, just touch it" while moving closer and closer to my face.

Don't think I've ever been more stunned in my life - his lack of tact, the speed at which he was able to take his clothes off, nevermind where Mr Insanely-romantic disappeared to!

... Mortified!

This guy is my hero!

um7y1h83ge06nx

Some weird but funny ones here.

One night in college a bunch of us went out for some sort of occasion (we were even more blind drunk than usual!).

Anyway I got talking to some girl that was almost as equally blind drunk. Ended up going back to her place and had sex (we definitely did). The next morning we both slowly wake up and I decided to go for seconds. So I warmed her up and proceeded to put on a condom. Suddenly she says something along the lines of we can't have sex, I barely know you! :eek:

I'm shocked that she appeared not to even remember the night before and decided to say nothing except for "alright". Started getting a bit worried of how she would react if/when she realised we did. I scampered out fairly lively but couldn't find the used condom. To make it worse, it was the end of term and her mother was going to pick her stuff up. Never heard or saw from her again so really don't know did she just totally forget the sex the night before (I must be really good in bed!

)

SmokeyJo84

went out with a guy who, after the first time we slept together, whipped out a sex book which was aimed at teenagers/young adults and flicked to the 'sexual manners' section.
He read a little bit of the section, closed the book and turned to me and said, "we should cuddle for as long as you're comfortable with and then we should take a shower together to make it more special".

I broke my heart laughing and ripped the piss.

The deal breaker came a few weeks later, after endless pestering for me to indulge in anal sex as it was his way "to get any sort of power over you as you are a very self confident girl".

I told him I wasnt interested in doing it at that point in time, more so cos I have a stubborn streak and the more he annoyed me about it, the more stubborn i got!

I had enough when he said to me during sex that "your daddy is ****ing your mummy right now, wishing his daughter would take it up the ass"...he then asked me to call him daddy.

Que horrified silence and a mad scramble out of the bed to get dressed and out the door....what the f*ck was in that sexual manners guide is what i want to know!!

Joey the lips

SmokeyJo84 wrote: »

went out with a guy who, after the first time we slept together, whipped out a sex book which was aimed at teenagers/young adults and flicked to the 'sexual manners' section.
He read a little bit of the section, closed the book and turned to me and said, "we should cuddle for as long as you're comfortable with and then we should take a shower together to make it more special".

I broke my heart laughing and ripped the piss.

The deal breaker came a few weeks later, after endless pestering for me to indulge in anal sex as it was his way "to get any sort of power over you as you are a very self confident girl".

I told him I wasnt interested in doing it at that point in time, more so cos I have a stubborn streak and the more he annoyed me about it, the more stubborn i got!

I had enough when he said to me during sex that "your daddy is ****ing your mummy right now, wishing his daughter would take it up the ass"...he then asked me to call him daddy.

Que horrified silence and a mad scramble out of the bed to get dressed and out the door....what the f*ck was in that sexual manners guide is what i want to know!!

i cannot thank you enough for shareing this with me I will die laughing... Oh and by the way I never said "your daddy :eek::eek:

Very good

stackerman

Went out with this girl for a while and got very well with her family and esp here dad. Anyway, cutting it short . .
Got invited to her sisters wedding and the day before all the lads are out for a game of golf. Had great craic and everyone laughing etc. I had stayed the night before on the couch (as the father was the serious type) and the father was laughing at all the women in the house fussing about that night, putting on the fake tan and getting ready for the big day.
So after the golf we all go for a shower and are chatting away when her brother turns around and says
"how was the couch last night",
fine thanks

"well it had better not have been my mother you were at!"

Dead silence !!
The family members walk out with the father red with anger. I couldnt figure out if he was pissed with his son for being a tit, or with me for some reason.
Anyway, I finish in the shower and walk back to my clothes passing a full length mirror on the way

:o:o:o:o
I had oval tan lines on my face and groin area. Girlfriend had sneeked down night before for some fun !!!
CAUGHT TAN FACED !!!!

SmokeyJo84

i meant to add in my previous post that this guy was 34yrs old!!

lot of strange people out there!

hasnt put me off the hunt though

ibanez777vbk

Joey the lips wrote: »

i cannot thank you enough for shareing this with me I will die laughing... Oh and by the way I never said "your daddy :eek::eek:

Very good

dont know how you dare admit that was you joey.what a numpty

ibanez777vbk

SmokeyJo84 wrote: »

i meant to add in my previous post that this guy was 34yrs old!!

lot of strange people out there!

hasnt put me off the hunt though

yeah theres loads of nice blokes out there jo.some better than others hint wink

Vanbis

SmokeyJo84 wrote: »

i meant to add in my previous post that this guy was 34yrs old!!

How old where you?, i'd say 25.

That book might have being passed down through the family :rolleyes:

SmokeyJo84

im 24, this was just a few months ago! I thought I'd be on to a good thing with an older guy...sadly not!

i should have highlighted the section on oral sex and NB'd it for him as a required reasding...:D

Vanbis

SmokeyJo84 wrote: »

i should have highlighted the section on oral sex and NB'd it for him as a required reasding...:D

lol