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Child Item

Relationship breakup

Dave46

My girlfriend has decided she wants to break up with me and me to move out, we are not married but we have 2 children together,
I was given the site by my father worth 150000 at the time i got planning for the house solely on my own as she is not from the area (gaeltacht)
We got a joint mortage for 210000 to build and are about 10 years into the mortgage with another 20 years to go. The house is currently valued at 350000. Any advice on where i stand on this issue i work fulltime salary 35000 per year she doesnt work,
Thanks in advance

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kravmaga

Dave46 wrote: »

Well im not going anywhere for now, firstly cant afford it and want to be with my kids.
Im just worried about the dreaded chat about money and bills, she is still spending crazy money out of the joint account

@ Dave46

Get whatever money you have out of the joint account asap before she blows it all.

You have got to take back control of your money. Get onto the bank in the morning, put a stop on the cards and freeze the account. If she has a credit card get it cancelled also and cut it up if you have to.

Set up a current account in your own name asap and sign up for a Revolut card, No fees on them.

Legal advice also , Citizens Information Centre have good contacts

https://www.revolut.com

https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/problems_in_marriages_and_other_relationships/property_rights_and_the_breakdown_of_a_cohabiting_relationship.html

www.flac.ie

Dtp1979

Dave46 wrote: »

Well im not going anywhere for now, firstly cant afford it and want to be with my kids.
Im just worried about the dreaded chat about money and bills, she is still spending crazy money out of the joint account

If she’s spending like crazy it’s because she can. Stop funding the joint account for a start. Open your own account

Geuze

Dave46 wrote: »

Her jobseekers allowance per month

JSA is means-tested.

Would she get much JSA as you earn 35k?

Dave46

Geuze wrote: »

JSA is means-tested.

Would she get much JSA as you earn 35k?

She currently gets 224 per week jsa, i spoke to a solicitor today he advised me to go through mediation although with covid there is a waiting list.

Dtp1979

Dave46 wrote: »

She currently gets 224 per week jsa, i spoke to a solicitor today he advised me to go through mediation although with covid there is a waiting list.

Mediation will be done via zoom or phone call.

Ginger83

Don't close joint account as it may look bad on your side, just stop funding it to the same level as this seems to be enabling wasteful spending.

TheBoyConor

Her not working and your name only being on the title deeds, and you supplying the site is entirely immaterial to the situation as the family law courts will see it.

As the poster above said, minding home and children full time is considered equal contribution.

It is unlikely that the house could be sold as the court will hold the best interests of the child above anything else, that is, that the children should remain in the family home until they are 18.
In the majority of cases the mother will have primary custody of the child, ie, remaining in the house too.

So, realistically, the most likely outcome if you go through the courts is that basically you will be asked to move out and pay maintenance and continue to pay the mortgage. When the youngest child turns 18 the house can be sold and the proceeds split between ye. The only other alternative that would potentially allow you to stay in the house is if you either buy or rent another suitable house nearby that she and the children can move to. However, I wouldn't be overly confident of the court approving such an arrangement, as they would need to be satisfied that it was in the best interests of the child, eg, if the new or rented house was closer to her family, closer to the schools etc.

Also bear in mind that ye not being married doesn't matter a fig. The Civil Partnership and Certain Rights and Obligations of Cohabitants Act 2010 means that ye are married in all but name. Courts will view the situation 99% as if ye are married.

Sucks for you, but that is the reality of these situations I'm afraid.

I think ye are better off going through the process in court. A mutual agreement is all well and good, as long as she remains amicable to it and abides by it. Problem is she could come back in years to come trying to ratchet up a better deal for herself after someone whispering "advice" into her ear, claiming that you coerced, bullied or otherwise pressured her into that agreement at a time when she was in a delicate and stressed place in her life, even if there were solicitors involved. This is a real risk, mutual agreements are dodgy and can be unagreed and challenged on a whim. I have seen it happen. A settlement dictated by the courts, even if less favourable, is much more secure and you'll have peace of mind.

Get yourself to a solicitor specialising in family law, separation and divorce. I might be shot for saying this, but if I were you, I, personally would make sure my solicitor was male. I know it is wrong to think, but I can't help but have the suspicion that a female solicitor would be, perhaps even unconsciously, slightly biased towards the woman, and might not put as much weight behind arguing for YOUR entitlements. To be honest, I would not trust them as much with my future. With such high stakes, I think I would take the battering of being called sexist in that scenario.

TheBoyConor

antimatterx wrote: »

How come she gets to be the one to end up, but also have the audacity to tell you to leave? If shes not happy, let her leave.

She 100% has equity in the house, I'm not questioning that. But telling you to leave is not on.e

The usual crack of lining up a situation of taking possession of the family home, then 6 months later she'll move in the local jockey. It is a textbook move.

2012paddy2012

Dave46 wrote: »

My girlfriend has decided she wants to break up with me and me to move out, we are not married but we have 2 children together,
I was given the site by my father worth 150000 at the time i got planning for the house solely on my own as she is not from the area (gaeltacht)
We got a joint mortage for 210000 to build and are about 10 years into the mortgage with another 20 years to go. The house is currently valued at 350000. Any advice on where i stand on this issue i work fulltime salary 35000 per year she doesnt work,
Thanks in advance

This is sad.
All the advice here is just that advice/ speculation.
A court will decide , what will happen here.
She had as much entitlement as if she was your wife.
Kids suffer.
Try keep pleasant . It is what it is.
You will have to assist with kids until 23 if in education.
That house is the family home. The welfare of the children will be paramount as it should be.
As to who lives with the kids , will be decided by the court based on the information before the court.
It’s hard to imagine that she will be put out of the house unless she is unfit.
Your most unfortunate, but , there is no upside to breakdown.
Not sure if ye go avail of mediation to try make some arrangements as suitable as possible to ye both. Difficult I know.
Otherwise , solicitors will be delighted to represent ye both , as it’s very lucrative, despite unfortunately ye not being able to come to some arrangements yerselves , they will haggle away till god knows when .

Dave46

I will contact department to start a mediation process but in the meantime is it a fair split of the bills and mortgage me 65% and her 35%, ive worked out figures and that seems to be a fair solution. We can split grocery and anything for the kids 50-50

TheBoyConor

Absolutely.

I can tell you, since he works and she is a housewife raising the children and their primary caregiver, she will 99.9% be given the right to remain in the family home. What reason would there be to have her move out? Barring she is a violent alcholic or deranged drug addict, which I am sure she is not, her being asked to move out is most unlikely. If she is a mother and a good mother, she will keep the children in the family home and himself must provide for them and for his own separate residence.

To be honest, I agree fully with that. The best thing for children is to remain in the familiar surroundings of their family home with the consistency and continuity of care given by their primary caregiver, their mother in 99% of cases. It is bad luck and a hell of a fall for the man of course, but that is just the way these things go. I think it is just the nature of things.

Dave46

We will bith be staying in the family home for now, id never expect her and the kids.to move out. Its just the finances i need to sort out fairly between us

TheBoyConor

What is the dynamic in the house now? What were the reasons she quoted as being the cause for wanting to break up?

2012paddy2012

Dave46 wrote: »

My girlfriend has decided she wants to break up with me and me to move out, we are not married but we have 2 children together,
I was given the site by my father worth 150000 at the time i got planning for the house solely on my own as she is not from the area (gaeltacht)
We got a joint mortage for 210000 to build and are about 10 years into the mortgage with another 20 years to go. The house is currently valued at 350000. Any advice on where i stand on this issue i work fulltime salary 35000 per year she doesnt work,
Thanks in advance

It’s really not your call. You need to agree everything with her , like , will she get a job? Childcare bills , where will you live? Who pays mortgage outstanding. Rent for your place. It’s never ending. If ye can sit down with a Pen and paper and do out a plan. Mediation is free. But from your point of view it tries to look at things from each of your point of views, with fairness being the idea. Not sure here is a good place to be.
Your head will be melted. Try sit down with her . Maybe mediation. Best wishes

Dave46

TheBoyConor wrote: »

What is the dynamic in the house now? What were the reasons she quoted as being the cause for wanting to break up?

Were actually getting on fine no tension or arguements she just wanted it to end the spark was gone!

TheBoyConor

It is all well and good suggesting her getting a job, but she would have no reason to? Why would she, when she can have her JSA/B and the other welfare supports plus maintenance. A woman is not obliged by economic necessity to engage in labour outside the home to the neglect of their duties in the home.

Oops!

Dave46 wrote: »

Were actually getting on fine no tension or arguements she just wanted it to end the spark was gone!

Post #38 ring any bells with you?

TheBoyConor

Dave46 wrote: »

Were actually getting on fine no tension or arguements she just wanted it to end the spark was gone!

Hmm. That is odd. No normal relationship or marriage of ten years duration has a spark after that long. Maybe she is buying into the hollywood version of marriage and thinks that there should always be sparks and flutters?

I think, and no offence, that the potentially possibility of there being someone else cannot be totally ruled out. Or at least that there is someone else being lined up. Not nice, but this happens all the time.

Mimon

Dave46 wrote: »

Were actually getting on fine no tension or arguements she just wanted it to end the spark was gone!

If there is no tension or arguments there is no reason for you to go.

If you have a spare room move in there if you haven't already and continue as you have been doing in terms of dividing mortgage, bills etc.

Widdensushi

Sounds like there is a chance to recover it, stay calm and see how it goes.

TheBoyConor

i wouldnt be in favour of advocating that someone crawl after someone who decides that the want to get rid of you in order to get their acceptance back. That could destroy someone's self worth.
No. If I were he, and she said she wanted out and rid of me, then I'd say "fine, you made the decision, best of luck".

As an old friend once said to me when I was very sad after broken up with a girl "you wouldn't step in the same **** twice, would you?"

Stihl waters

In fairness to you op you're going well on 35k a year, things must get tight at times with 2 young lads and a mortgage and all that comes with it, stay put for now why would you put yourself under any more financial pressure than you already are

Mimon

TheBoyConor wrote: »

i wouldnt be in favour of advocating that someone crawl after someone who decides that the want to get rid of you in order to get their acceptance back. That could destroy someone's self worth.
No. If I were he, and she said she wanted out and rid of me, then I'd say "fine, you made the decision, best of luck".

As an old friend once said to me when I was very sad after broken up with a girl "you wouldn't step in the same **** twice, would you?"

He can still stay in the house even if they are not in a relationship, he doesn't need to go crawling anywhere.

Just out of interest how would she get the OP out if he decided that he was staying? If there is no conflict surely she would have no grounds to get a court order for him to leave his own house?

Oops!

If she wants him out she will get him out... Then it will get messy.

It's the kids i feel sorry for here.

TheBoyConor

Mimon wrote: »

He can still stay in the house even if they are not in a relationship, he doesn't need to go crawling anywhere.

Just out of interest how would she get the OP out if he decided that he was staying? If there is no conflict surely she would have no grounds to get a court order for him to leave his own house?

When did there never need to be grounds for a woman to claim there were grounds and be believed?

She can conjure up grounds if the mood takes her. And she will be believed until proven wrong. And even if she is caught out "ah sure we'll give her another chance" is an approach I have seen taken by courts and tusla.

Mimon

Oops! wrote: »

If she wants him out she will get him out... Then it will get messy.

It's the kids i feel sorry for here.

All because she reckons the "spark" is gone. Sounds more like a spoiled teenager than a grown adult. No reason she should not be working either.

Oops!

Mimon wrote: »

All because she reckons the "spark" is gone. Sounds more like a spoiled teenager than a grown adult. No reason she should not be working either.

The OP really needs to be a step ahead of her through all this...

Plenty of red flags from what he's posted already.

She says spark is gone...

Wants him to move out without any discussion...

Draining a joint bank account...

Not working...

As has been posted already, this has all the signs of a common story.

TheBoyConor

If I were to speculate a guess, I'd be guessing that whatever spark is gone, she has found somewhere else.
The whole situation screams it to me. Wife breaking up and wanting the partner out of the house for no other reason only something as spurious as the spark being gone. No fighting or arguments or violence or anything.
If OP leaves the house I bet some new jockey will be shacked up with her inside of a year.

raclle

Looking over the thread something doesn't add up here. I've a funny feeling there is a third party involved. If ye are getting on amicably there should be no rush to move you out of the family home

limnam

YellowLead wrote: »

she will be considered dependent on you and therefore entitled to maintenance for herself

If they're not married I don't believe that to be true.

Do you have a source for this? Be interested to get clued up on it