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Husband makes me feel worthless and makes no effort

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    #32
    acequion
    Registered Users Posts: 3,836 ✭✭✭acequion


    My heart goes out to you,OP. All the other posters are right. To an objective observer,you are in an appalling situation which doesn't bear even the smallest resemblance to a loving relationship. Having a laugh and common interests are superficial,they are not the gel that binds a marriage if nothing else is there.
    You tell us that you've been married for two years and that this awful behaviour started about 18 months ago, so a mere six months into the marriage. That’s very fast. Was he a bit of a charmer when you met him? Did he sweep you off your feet? Were you guys dating for long before you married? Obviously, you know this man and we don’t,but from what you tell us,it sounds like a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde. So do you know a lot about his past? I would suspect that there’s either a history of a mental problem there, like depression, or that your courtship was one big act and the real him started to emerge six months into the marriage.

    It definitely sounds like you’re much more invested in the relationship than he is. You speak of “we” and “our” all the time, which of course is how it is in a relationship, except that there’s only one of you in this one. When you say that a couple are a reflection of each other,I’m not sure I agree. It sounds like you've been way too nice and patient,even subservient, and that has got you nowhere. It’s also possible that he has big self esteem issues and resents you for perhaps being smarter than he is. He may resent that you’re so good at your job and appreciated by your boss and also that you’re more sexual than he is. But he is obviously no fool as he was capable of studying hard and doing well in exams. So Jekyll and Hyde again. There are definitely serious issues going on with this man.

    I would give the same advice as the others. This absolutely must be brought to a head. You simply must talk to him straight up.The situation must change because you cannot go on living like that. If nothing comes of your efforts,then, painful as it is to leave a marriage,ultimately would it not be less painful than a life with such a partner? The best of luck to you.


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    #33
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I do feel he is not interested in being attractive to me.

    Thanks username123 I am preparing myself to talk to him about this tonight. Hopefully get some answers, whether it's that he is sick or I'm the problem.

    mickeyk, he has lost interest in alot of stuff and is spending more time on interests that involve minimal effort.

    We don't have kids. We haven't decided if we want kids.

    I wouldn't say he was a charmer, no more charming than any other person I've been with. We were together for 5 years before we even talked about marriage seriously and we got married about 2 years after that. I would know his past quite well, certainly no history of mental illness with his parents and his one brother.

    It's interesting what you say about Jekyll and Hyde, I could definitely say he has Jekyll and Hyde moments when he goes from being totally normal to flying off the handle. Last week we were about to sit down and watch a movie, he was pulling the curtains and they kept getting stuck on the pole, he went absolutely ballistic, screaming and shouting at me nonsensically and then he went off to our bedroom for an hour, when he came back he gave me the cold shoulder for another hour and then he was fine again.

    I hope it doesn't seem like I'm painting him as some sort of head case and me as being a victim. I just don't challenge him or shout back at him when he's having one of his tantrums (that's the only word I could use to describe them) because there's no point, it's like he's blind to any reason when he's like that.


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    #34
    Merkin
    Registered Users Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    I'm not sure if it is an approach you want to take but is his family a close-knit one and do you get on well? If so, could you talk to his brother in confidence, tell him what's going on and ask him if there is any kind of history of this sort of behaviour? You don't have to go into the very intimate stuff like your sex life or the way he speaks to you necessarily, just a general chat about his personal hygiene and mood swings. If he is to go and seek help (and I suspect he will be reluctant to) it would be best if you know the full picture, if there is one.


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    #35
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    worthlessandbelittled wrote: »
    I just want to say thanks again for all of the replies.

    As regards money, I contribute €50 per week and my husband makes up the balance, generally speaking our ESB bill is around €350 every 2 months and €80 for internet, sometimes a bit more, sometimes a bit less. They're our only bills and then I pay for all household stuff.

    I suppose I want to be with him because I married the old him and I want to believe he's in there somewhere. He wasn't always like this. He used to take real pride in his appearance and in himself. He used to regularly buy himself new clothes and just generally look after himself, regular haircuts and the like.

    The dogs are our dogs, together.

    username123 I genuinely wouldn't know a lot about mental health issues, would you have any advice in this regard? I suppose it's something that should be explored, how would I know if this is the cause?

    We do still have a laugh together and we have a lot of common interests but I could say the same about some of my friends. I miss the romantic connection, that feeling of wanting to kiss someone and them kissing you back and the contentment of watching a movie next to that person you're most comfortable with. I miss feeling like I'm a part of his life and he a part of mine.

    Prior to him changing into this person, he was just normal, normal guy. I did notice that he became very lazy when he was in college. He would never clean up after himself, saying "I'm too busy studying" and his hygiene definitely started to go downhill at that point. He did put in huge hours of study while in college and did very well in his exams and with his thesis so I suppose there is one upside to it. I think maybe he just fell into that pattern then.

    This might be totally off the mark, but did your husband start smoking dope in college? This is of course his own business but smoking a lot of dope can make some people lazy and apathetic. Others can smoke it with little or no ill effect.

    Or maybe he's just depressed?
    worthlessandbelittled wrote: »
    The house is just in my husband's name, he inherited the house from his grandaunt when she passed away 5 years ago but had been living in it for years prior to her death as she was in a home suffering from very bad dementia.

    I do find the words "you'd have to pay it somewhere else" ringing in my ears all the time.

    This is abusive. You married him in good faith. You pay for all the household stuff and for your share of the bills. You both need marriage counseling on this alone. If you weren't with him maybe you could afford a little place of your own, on your own? This may not be what you want but your husband is being abusive when he says "you'd have to pay it somewhere else".
    worthlessandbelittled wrote: »
    Pawwed rig - I don't shout at him, I'm just not a shouty person. I don't nag at him other than occasional reminding him to wash. I've given up asking him to contribute to the household chores unless it's something I absolutely cannot do myself.

    After I got home, fed the dogs and walked the dogs (something he never does, even on his days off), I decided to go out for a drive and have a think about what to do.

    At the moment he is treating you like a live-in maid who also happens to pay for household stuff and goes halves on bills.

    Tell him you are moving into another room until he resumes having a daily shower and normal personal hygiene. See if he's happy to go for marriage counseling. If he isn't happy with that, doesn't change and keeps looking for more money for you I'd seriously reconsider your marriage.


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    #36
    Pawwed Rig
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 22,314 CMod ✭✭✭✭Pawwed Rig


    Hollister11 wrote: »
    If I don't shower every morning my day Is ruined. If your a grown man shower if your going out or not. That's vile.

    Slightly off the point but aa daily shower is completely unneccesary in Ireland unless you are performing strenuous manual work or sweat heavily for some other reason. Daily washing is a vanity inherited from warmer climates that has nothing to do with hygiene. In fact putting chemicals in your hair and on your skin everyday is really bad for your skin. That said more often than once in 2 weeks would be required for hygiene as bacteria will grow (the smell) in the sweaty areas like under the arms and in the crotch area.

    OP another poster said to talk to one of his family members. I would talk to him first if I was you as extending this issue beyond the 2 of you could make things worse. I suggested relationship counselling in an earlier post, have you considered that? It would be a way to get everything out in the open in a safe environment. If there is a depression element it might become more obvious in this environment.

    Or you may have to consider the fact that he is not happy in his current life.


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    #37
    Jimmy Bottlehead
    Registered Users Posts: 10,118 ✭✭✭✭Jimmy Bottlehead


    Pawwed Rig wrote: »
    Slightly off the point but aa daily shower is completely unneccesary in Ireland unless you are performing strenuous manual work or sweat heavily for some other reason. Daily washing is a vanity inherited from warmer climates that has nothing to do with hygiene. In fact putting chemicals in your hair and on your skin everyday is really bad for your skin. That said more often than once in 2 weeks would be required for hygiene as bacteria will grow (the smell) in the sweaty areas like under the arms and in the crotch area.

    OP another poster said to talk to one of his family members. I would talk to him first if I was you as extending this issue beyond the 2 of you could make things worse. I suggested relationship counselling in an earlier post, have you considered that? It would be a way to get everything out in the open in a safe environment. If there is a depression element it might become more obvious in this environment.

    Or you may have to consider the fact that he is not happy in his current life.

    I can only speak for myself, but I shower daily as:

    1) I like to smell nice for myself
    2) I like to smell nice for my girlfriend
    3) I like to smell nice to society in general

    I can understand someone maybe taking a shower once every two days, but I sure as hell wouldn't put up with a partner who had offensive B.O.


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    #38
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    Pawwed Rig wrote: »
    Slightly off the point but aa daily shower is completely unneccesary in Ireland unless you are performing strenuous manual work or sweat heavily for some other reason. Daily washing is a vanity inherited from warmer climates that has nothing to do with hygiene. In fact putting chemicals in your hair and on your skin everyday is really bad for your skin. That said more often than once in 2 weeks would be required for hygiene as bacteria will grow (the smell) in the sweaty areas like under the arms and in the crotch area.

    OP another poster said to talk to one of his family members. I would talk to him first if I was you as extending this issue beyond the 2 of you could make things worse. I suggested relationship counselling in an earlier post, have you considered that? It would be a way to get everything out in the open in a safe environment. If there is a depression element it might become more obvious in this environment.

    Or you may have to consider the fact that he is not happy in his current life.

    A minority of people can get away with having a shower every 2 days in cold weather but the other 99% of us should shower every day. The OP's husband is clearly in the majority because she can smell him before she sees him!


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    #39
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    I agree with Merkin. There could be a history.

    Even if there isnt, the current situation is going to affect YOUR mental health so you need to consider your role in this environment. Being subjected to unreasonable behaviour (whatever the cause) is going to have a long term negative effect on you if you stay there and nothing changes.

    Ultimately you can only change or help yourself. You can give advice to someone else, but you cant make them address a problem or make changes.

    I do advise compassion as it does sound like a mental health issue, but I do think you need to extend compassion to yourself as well. Because you are in the situation it is very difficult for you to have perspective on the situation. It is telling in your first post that you concentrate more on your husbands perception of your job and his verbal put downs rather than his personal neglect which has such a big practical impact on your life. His emotional abuse seems to have overshadowed the rest of it.

    From what you describe his personality has changed, so implore him to seek medical attention.


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    #40
    Pawwed Rig
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 22,314 CMod ✭✭✭✭Pawwed Rig


    Emme wrote: »
    A minority of people can get away with having a shower every 2 days in cold weather but the other 99% of us should shower every day.

    I suspect you just made up that statistic:confused:. If not then please quote a citation.

    See

    http://jezebel.com/how-often-do-you-really-need-to-shower-1510228527
    http://www.nhs.uk/livewell/homehygiene/pages/are-we-too-clean-for-our-own-good.aspx
    http://www.nhs.uk/carersdirect/guide/practicalsupport/pages/hygiene.aspx
    http://health.howstuffworks.com/skin-care/daily/tips/daily-shower-skin1.htm

    Similarly washing clothes after 1 wear is completely unnecessary, unless you are in a strenuous job or sweat alot. It is really only in the last 10-15 years this obsession with cleanliness has been here. Your parents generation are unlikely to have washed and changed every day.

    Anyway as I said it is slightly off the point as we can agree that where there is a pungent odour then he is not washing enough.


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    #41
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I would be reluctant to involve his brother but even so, his brother lives abroad and while they get on well, they wouldn't be in contact very regularly at all.

    When he said "you'd have to pay it somewhere else", it did upset me greatly. It makes me feel like I'm not a permanent fixture in his life and that I should always be considering myself lucky that I'm not renting somewhere.

    I will certainly consider relationship counselling. After I speak to him tonight I'm hoping that the reason for his behaviour will all become clear.

    username123 - I do feel like I am withdrawing into myself because I am trying to keep this a secret. I have told nobody about this because I am embarrassed for him and by him. He humiliates me sometimes, never in front of someone else, but makes me feel like I am nothing.

    I hope to speak with him tonight and at least make some headway. At this point, if it means splitting up or even having a break from each other to make him return to his previous self, then even just for his own sake, that would be worth it. I worry about his health, both mental and physical.
    He also has an absolutely appalling diet which I think has a big effect on him. I cook most things from scratch and I know I am a good cook but he won't eat vegetables. Also, if he is in one of his moods, he will just refuse to eat whatever it is I cook (which could be anything from homemade spag bol to a roast chicken dinner) and get a takeaway for himself instead. In the past 6 months I have really changed up my eating habits and have lost weight and just feel generally way better for it so when I look at what I eat and what he eats be comparison, I can't imagine he feels very good on the inside.


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    #42
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    I think its important that when you talk to him to try to stay objective. I know its really difficult when you are hurt and angry yourself but if you give him a list of things you are unhappy about he may just go straight on the defensive and lose the chance to talk properly.

    If you can frame the conversation into being worried about him, his physical and mental health, the effects his BEHAVIOUR has on you (sticking to discussing his behaviour and not HIM makes it less likely he will see it as a personal attack on him), concern over his diet and general well being, you might be more successful in trying to get to the root of what is going on.

    What often happens with unreasonable and odd behaviours from a loved one is that we normalise the situation over time because the behaviours tend to build up over time. You dont go from being a happily married woman with a normal hygienic husband to living with someone who doesnt take care of themselves overnight. Unfortunately this often results in us enabling bad behaviours as we initially hope its just a phase, then because ignoring things like dirty sheets makes our own life unbearable we begin cleaning up after the person and we start normalising and suddenly its just the way things are. This makes things harder to talk about too because time has passed and we are all acting like this is the way it is and thats grand. An example of you enabling this behaviour is you changing the bed clothes so frequently. He is not suffering the consequences of his behaviour. Obviously as you share a bed this is why you do it - but if I were in the situation you are now in I would be asking him to sleep elsewhere than the marital bed until the hygiene issue is resolved or making alternative sleeping arrangements myself.

    Also, keeping it all to yourself, while totally understandable, is not helping you - or him really. You need to be able to express yourself and you are not responsible for protecting his secret of bad hygiene.


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    #43
    Jack B. Badd
    Registered Users Posts: 3,294 ✭✭✭Jack B. Badd


    worthlessandbelittled wrote: »
    As regards money, I contribute €50 per week and my husband makes up the balance, generally speaking our ESB bill is around €350 every 2 months and €80 for internet, sometimes a bit more, sometimes a bit less. They're our only bills and then I pay for all household stuff.

    So in a 4 week month you contribute €200 & the bills total €255 (175 pm ESB + 80 internet). The balance he pays is €55 pm? He doesn't maintain himself, your relationship or your home and now he wants more money from you? You're not his wife, you're his keeper.


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    #44
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    Jack B. Badd wrote: »
    So in a 4 week month you contribute €200 & the bills total €255 (175 pm ESB + 80 internet). The balance he pays is €55 pm? He doesn't maintain himself, your relationship or your home and now he wants more money from you? You're not his wife, you're his keeper.

    She pays for household stuff as well.


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    #45
    Pawwed Rig
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 22,314 CMod ✭✭✭✭Pawwed Rig


    Jack B. Badd wrote: »
    You're not his wife, you're his keeper.

    They live mortgage free though and it was him that inherited the house so I suspect they came to some agreement in relation to bills. I don't think it is really the main issue here though


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    #46
    Jack B. Badd
    Registered Users Posts: 3,294 ✭✭✭Jack B. Badd


    Pawwed Rig wrote: »
    They live mortgage free though and it was him that inherited the house so I suspect they came to some agreement in relation to bills. I don't think it is really the main issue here though

    I agree that it's not the main issue but it's indicative of the overall issue - he expects her to keep him, treating her worse than he would a lodger. A lodger wouldn't buy his food, clean his house, put up with his moods or smell... And I don't think the "old him" is coming back.


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    #47
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi username123, yes I was thinking of trying to word it as concern for his health, rather than concern about the way he is treating me or the way I feel. I thought that might be a roundabout way to get him to address the things that are affecting both of us without making it just about the effect it's having on me.

    We didn't ever come to an agreement in relation to the household matters. When I was in rented accommodation I put away €50 per week for all my bills and when I moved in with him I said I was happy to continue with that. I wouldn't be in a position to contribute any more than that though.
    I said I was happy with the €50 because at the time our agreement was that he would be putting in the same amount and whatever was left over would be used towards the yearly bill for coal, heating oil and the house insurance - but that never happens and I am expected to pull money out of somewhere else when those bills come in too. If he ends up covering the bill for the heating oil for a number of weeks until I can come up with my share (which I always do), if I say anything about the heating being on too much in the meantime (for example, he had the heating on all last week when it was very warm and our house is very well insulated and very warm anyway), he says things like "I paid for it, I'll use it whatever way I want" but then if we have to get more heating oil, I then have to come up with more money again.
    To be honest I sometimes think even €50 is too much considering I buy all the groceries for the house, look after nearly all of the household things, I do all the cleaning and all the cooking. I would've thought that those things should be considered as part of my whole contribution to the house but my husband doesn't see it that way and tells me that I choose to do the cleaning and the cooking. I don't choose to do it, if I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done at all.

    If I ask him to pick up his dirty socks from the bedroom floor (and I mean actually dirty from being worn for days on end) he gets in a strop, makes a big production about picking them up and flounces off like a child. That is his reaction whenever I ask him to do something around the house, be it something small like putting his dishes in the dishwasher or something bigger like the usual odd jobs that anybody needs to do around their house.

    I know what some of you are saying about it being his house etc but if he really feels that way, I would've thought he would put some effort into the upkeep of his house, if he really feels it is his and his alone.


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    #48
    IrishEyes19
    Registered Users Posts: 1,861 ✭✭✭IrishEyes19


    OP, you have to ask yourself if this was a close friend of yours would you tell them, he will change? You know the old cliche, you cant change someone, you can only change what you are willing to endure for someone. Get out of there. This is not living!


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    #49
    acequion
    Registered Users Posts: 3,836 ✭✭✭acequion


    OP,username123 is spot on in the advice to you.Your marriage sounds like it's rapidly turning into a co-dependency where you enable and normalise the bad behaviour and the vicious cycle continues. That is how it often is in dysfunctional relationships like being with an alcoholic or compulsive gambler, where one constantly covers up for and cleans up the mess of the other. You are even sounding a bit like an enabler as you're obviously very loyal to him and protective of him. Those are very noble qualities but not in a situation like this, where it's doing neither of you any good.
    .
    Your husband is obviously sick. A lot of what he is doing is self harm. He eats rubbish so he is letting his body rot both inside and out. As the saying goes,we have to be able to love ourselves before we can love anyone else and it sounds like he now despises both himself and you. The rages and tantrums over petty things are another indication and I don't mean to scare you but the verbal outbursts could get physical,towards you.

    You will need a lot of courage in dealing with this,but fair play to you,you have taken the first steps by reaching out anonymously here. I wish you luck when you talk to him tonight. It will be a start and if you don't get answers,you might at least get some clues.


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    #50
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    Pawwed Rig wrote: »
    They live mortgage free though and it was him that inherited the house so I suspect they came to some agreement in relation to bills. I don't think it is really the main issue here though

    They may have come to an agreement regarding bills but the OP's husband is asking for more money that he knows she cannot afford on account of health issues. A partner should provide support with health issues, not put on extra financial pressure.


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    #51
    Rubberchikken
    Registered Users Posts: 5,083 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken


    How long did you know him before you married?

    The lack of sex/washing seems to have started very soon after the wedding which seems unusual.

    Do you actually love him?
    Imo he diesnt sound a well man and while you're entitled to ask him to smarten up he should have the sense to speak to a doctor if he wants this marriage to last.


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    #52
    Stheno
    Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 51,687 Mod ✭✭✭✭Stheno


    Rubberchikken wrote: »
    How long did you know him before you married?

    The lack of sex/washing seems to have started very soon after the wedding which seems unusual.

    Do you actually love him?
    Imo he diesnt sound a well man and while you're entitled to ask him to smarten up he should have the sense to speak to a doctor if he wants this marriage to last.

    OP has already posted that it was seven years before they got married


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    #53
    Hollister11
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,482 ✭✭✭Hollister11


    Pawwed Rig wrote: »
    Slightly off the point but aa daily shower is completely unneccesary in Ireland unless you are performing strenuous manual work or sweat heavily for some other reason. Daily washing is a vanity inherited from warmer climates that has nothing to do with hygiene. In fact putting chemicals in your hair and on your skin everyday is really bad for your skin. That said more often than once in 2 weeks would be required for hygiene as bacteria will grow (the smell) in the sweaty areas like under the arms and in the crotch area.

    OP another poster said to talk to one of his family members. I would talk to him first if I was you as extending this issue beyond the 2 of you could make things worse. I suggested relationship counselling in an earlier post, have you considered that? It would be a way to get everything out in the open in a safe environment. If there is a depression element it might become more obvious in this environment.

    Or you may have to consider the fact that he is not happy in his current life.

    Eh sorry ? It doesn't matter where you live, a daily wash is important. Once you reach puberty you really should was daily. It's vile otherwise IMO


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    #54
    Pawwed Rig
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 22,314 CMod ✭✭✭✭Pawwed Rig


    Hollister11 wrote: »
    Eh sorry ? It doesn't matter where you live, a daily wash is important. Once you reach puberty you really should was daily. It's vile otherwise IMO
    In your opinion. The NHS would have a different (and arguably more relevant) view based on study, experience and fact. Have a read of the links I posted and you will realise the damage you are doing to your skin and hair.

    Anyway as I said (twice now) it is slightly off the point as we can agree that where there is a pungent odour then he is not washing enough.


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    #55
    dudara
    Registered Users Posts: 33,519 ✭✭✭✭dudara


    Posters - please don't continue this "how often is enough" discussion on washing.

    dudara


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    #56
    sadie9
    Registered Users Posts: 365 ✭✭sadie9


    Hi, there is absolutely no point in you following this approach. "yes I was thinking of trying to word it as concern for his health, rather than concern about the way he is treating me or the way I feel. I thought that might be a roundabout way to get him to address the things that are affecting both of us without making it just about the effect it's having on me."
    The above is only more of the same strategy you have already tried. Lets tiptoe around this guy so I don't hurt his little feelings. Let's not get anyone upset here, least of all me".

    Here's a test. Think of someone who really loves and cares for you. Imagine this person was in the room with you and your husband and saw the way he treats you. Would you feel ashamed? If the answer is yes, then this man is mis-treating you.
    you can only help people who want to change. This man does not feel the need to change. He appears to care little for himself and he appears to care little for anyone else. You are being treated like lodger. And a lodger who is resented at that. Like going off and getting takeaways after you cooked a lovely dinner. That is not normal behaviour.
    My advice is go and get counselling for yourself ASAP. You cannot change him. Is this the sort of life you want for yourself? It sounds like as things get worse, you are having to pretend more and more that everything is okay.
    If you had a child with this man, you would end up raising it alone, in his house (that your name is not on), and under his terms. And with him continuing to resent you and the child.
    You also should seek legal advice as the house is in his name only. You could ask to get the house put into both your names and see what reaction you get.
    If you get counselling for yourself that will give you the support to make the decisions you need to make. This man needs professional help. This man needs the sort of help that you cannot give. He's treating you like ****. Only you are protecting yourself from the pain of that, because you have to and because you are a lovely human being doing your best and trying not to cause pain to anyone else. You are not responsible for his happiness, but he is making you pay for his unhappiness and not only that he is making you the cause of his unhappiness in his mind. And that's not fair. The only way you can help him is by helping yourself. I wish the best for you.


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    #57
    Jenneke87
    Registered Users Posts: 807 ✭✭✭Jenneke87


    OP, if you had a daughter and one day she came to you and told you that the man she married treated her the way you are being treated right now, what would you say to her? To fake a concern for his health as to not hurt his feeling or to get the hell out of there. Unless your husband suddenly sees the light, makes an 360 turnaround and some serious, serious amends, I'd say your marriage is dead and you need to get out of there ASAP. He has problems you're not equiped to deal with, I'm not saying that to make you feel weak or inadequate but he sounds like he has serious mental health issues and you'll never be in an healthy, equal marriage if he continues to treat you this way. Please think carefully OP, is this what you want for the rest of your life?


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    #58
    Demonique
    Registered Users Posts: 2,823 ✭✭✭Demonique


    worthlessandbelittled wrote: »
    Unfortunately, we don't have a spare room and as I have a problem with my neck, I couldn't really sleep on the couch with much comfort.
    I have had to replace his pillows twice in the past 12 months because they were badly stained from head sweat and quite smelly.

    As regards the housework, I do everything. I do all the cleaning, all the cooking, buy all the household groceries, I feed the dogs, walk the dogs, pay for everything related to the dogs, I do as much of the odd jobs around the house as possible because if I don't do them they are just not done and the house would be left to fall down around us. I know some of you suggest not doing anything until he joins in but I could not live in the kind of mess he would allow build up and it wouldn't be fair on our dogs either.

    We own our own home outright so the only bills we have between us are the ESB bill and our internet bill. I contribute €50 a week towards bills (this excludes the items mentioned above which I pay for on my own) and recently my husband has started demanding more money. Unfortunately, due to the neck problem I mentioned I cannot afford more than €50 per week as I have quite high medical expenses every week between medication and physio. My husband told me that I should be contributing at least €80 per week and when I told him I cannot afford this he told me "you'd have to pay it if you were somewhere else". This really upset me as it makes it sound like he thinks he's my landlord. Where is "somewhere else"? We're married, living in our marital home so there should never be a "somewhere else".

    You sleep on the couch? Why should you be the one who sleeps on the couch?

    Also, in regards to your contribution tell him since you do all the housework that counts towards your contribution.


    Also, if I were in your situation I'd grab a can of Lynx and spray him down unexpectantly
    worthlessandbelittled wrote: »

    We don't have kids. We haven't decided if we want kids.

    I for one would definately not bring kids into this situation


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    #59
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    Demonique wrote: »
    I for one would definately not bring kids into this situation

    I second this.

    OP, would you bring children into your current situation? If the answer is no then there needs to be some change. Would your OH go to marriage counseling or to a professional to discuss his health? If he isn't likely to do so or change perhaps you should think about the future of the relationship.

    From a financial point of view you are pouring all your money into keeping a moribund husband who refuses to wash and is making constant demands on you. If I were you I would start putting a little something by for yourself if at all possible. Your husband seems to think he has the right to bleed you dry in every way just because the house is in his name.


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    #60
    MadelineX
    Registered Users Posts: 23 ✭MadelineX


    Nobody deserves to be treated like this especially in their own home. And yes it's just as much your home as his.

    And you say you're not sure if you want kids - sounds to me like you already have a big stinky one! Seriously though He has to be made realise that his behaviour is totally unacceptable. Its not nagging, its standing up for yourself because he sounds like he has zero respect for you.

    Good luck and you know you deserve better


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    #61
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hello again

    Thanks for all of the replies and advice people have offered.
    I thought I had posted a reply in here over the weekend and yesterday but they didn't go through for some reason.

    Just to reiterate, we haven't decided if we want children and I would not bring a child into our lives while everything is so unsettled so there is no need for that to be part of the discussion.

    I did some research into what some of you have suggested, that this all might be connected to mental illness, possibly depression, and it does make sense.
    He doesn't care for himself and in turn he certainly doesn't care for me, our home or our pets, he has withdrawn into himself completely, I feel that even when he is being sociable with his friends he is just putting on an act until he can go be by himself again and he has completely irrational outbursts of anger to name but a few things.

    I would like to work at this. We are married and he wasn't always like this and I'd like to think that there is a way of rescuing our marriage with the help of his G.P. and maybe a counsellor.

    He doesn't have a regular G.P. so I'm hoping it won't be too difficult to involve a G.P. who will be able to help us both. I would prefer not to involve my own G.P. as she is someone I also know through my job and I would prefer to keep this a private matter.

    I didn't get a chance to talk to him at the weekend, I kind of chickened out, if I say anything to him about these kind of matters, he screams and shouts and bangs doors for hours and I just couldn't face listening to that at the weekend.

    I did tell him last night that I thought him not washing himself was disgusting. I told him that yesterday morning when he rolled over in bed to face me, between the smell from him and his smelly breath I was woken up. I told him that I couldn't continue to share a bed with somebody who wasn't washing themself. I told him at the very least he should be showering every second day, if not everyday, and if he has a particularly hard day at work, doing hard physical work that he should certainly shower the minute he comes into the house and not put back on the same clothes.
    I then told him that not washing himself and not looking after his appearance is a possible sign of mental illness and I told him that paired in with some of his other behaviour, it looked like that could be the case.
    He did not take this very well and shut down and went silent. This is his mechanism to deal with anything he doesn't like, the cold shoulder.
    So I left it at that for last night and now I don't know what to do next.

    The way it is now is certainly not what I want for the rest of my life but maybe it will change.


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