Husband makes me feel worthless and makes no effort

LegacyUser · 22-05-2014 1:20pm #1

Hello

I have been debating about posting this thread for a number of weeks now because I don't want it to seem like I'm whinging over things that don't matter but I need some advice.

I am having a number of issues with my husband and I just can't seem to get through to him about any of them.

The first one is in relation to his hygiene. He just can't be bothered showering or changing his clothes. He has gone 10 - 14 days without taking a shower and in that period of time may only change his clothes 3-4 times (including underwear). It turns my stomach. I'm not a clean freak or anything like that but there are times when there is a very obvious smell off him. For example, last weekend he turned over in bed to face me and between the odour from his body and his smelly breath I actually had to get up out of the bed it was that bad.
I have to change the bed sheets at least 3 times a week otherwise they begin to smell horrendous too.
Aside from the obvious, i.e. the smell etc. I find it very unattractive that he makes no effort with himself, it makes him seem like he doesn't value himself at all.
I'm sure it will be obvious as well that our sex life isn't great if he's not showering. He just shows no interest.
We were last intimate about 6 months ago. I am a young woman and this is not enough for me. Aside from the lack of sex he shows me no affection, we kiss each other goodbye in the morning and say "I love you" but I feel like it's just part of the routine now.
I try to be affectionate with him but I have to be honest that the smell is so bad sometimes that I don't even want to hug him as it turns my stomach.
I have spoken to him many times about this but at the end of the day, I don't want to feel like his mother telling him to shower and change his clothes.
I have tried saying things like "there will be no blow jobs unless you have a shower" and try to say this in a playful way but because he shows so little interest in sex, it doesn't really have an impact.
What can I do? He's a grown man, he's 10 years older than me, and I do not want to feel like I have to order him about like a child.
My sister even said to me recently that she thought there was a bit of smell off him but I had to cover it up and say he spilled something on himself as I was so embarrassed.
I believe both people in a relationship are a reflection of each other and I always put my best self forward for him.

The other issue then is a bit more serious, to me anyway.
I feel that my husband has no respect for my job or the fact that I work very hard 5 days a week.
I work in a very busy office (I don't want to give away too much detail). My job involves working directly alongside the boss of the office. I have 3 people on a team who report to me and all in all, the office is a great environment, there isn't any clash of personalities even though the 3 people who report to me are older than me. I really enjoy my job. Like every job, there are bad points and it's not perfect but I love the work and we all get along well. My boss, who I work alongside, always has so much praise for me and my work and the various people that we both interact with in the course of our work always report back to my boss about how good I am etc.
However, my husband puts little to no value on my job. He finished college last year and has been working in a good job for the past 6 months. We both work the same hours but I have no problem saying his work is more physical than mine but it's just different and that's something that he just can't understand. He compares our work like for like and says that his job is so much harder than mine. He regularly says "sure your job is just sitting at a desk all day long" (which it isn't) "sure what are you tired from? you're only sitting down all day long" (which I'm not).
He makes me feel worthless and really belittles me.
He also uses his more "physical" job as a reason to do nothing around the house. This isn't a big deal but it ties in with him belittling my job. He will say things like "sure you can do x and y because you're just sitting down all day long".
I have spoken with him about this a few times but he just brushes it off.

Does anybody have any advice?

Merkin · 22-05-2014 1:37pm

Yes, my advice is that the softly softly approach quite clearly is not working. It's no good hinting that a blowjob is not going to be forthcoming when there hasn't even been a sniff of action in six months, it makes your words futile and meaningless.

What you do need to tell him is that you cannot put up his stench a moment longer and that other people have started to notice. Going up to two whole weeks without a shower is just disgusting beyond words and I personally wouldn't be able to share living space, let alone a bed, with someone who was such a personal hygiene abomination. You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that it is disgusting and that it also shows no respect for you.

I'd be interested to know if he has always been a stinker or if this is a recent thing. If it is recent, do you think depression could be at play? Or do you just think he's a lazy bastard who simply doesn't care?

Alf. A. Male · 22-05-2014 1:39pm

I'd stop saying things "playfully" or allowing them to be brushed off, I'd be saying it in a matter-of-fact way at this stage. Tell him he needs to wash and to change his clothes, tell him you work hard at a good job and to stick his opinion about it. And if he does nothing around the house, tell him it won't be done until he joins in and stops behaving like a baby. As for no blow jobs if he doesn't wash, you should be telling him you won't be going next nor near him at all. 10-14 days without a wash for a grown man in his own home? That's disgusting and it's time you stopped putting up with it at all.

rock22 · 22-05-2014 1:46pm

You shouldn't have to put up with such behavior.

You don't mention how long you are married or how long this problem is going on. Not looking after your self can be a symptom of depression - although nothing in your post suggests your husband is depressed.

Only you can decide if you are willing to go on living like this. If it were me, at the very least, I would be moving into a spare room until he changes.

ABajaninCork · 22-05-2014 1:47pm

Oh boy -You've got 99 problems, girl!

I really don't know what to suggest. Why does your husband choose not to shower and change his clothes? Has nobody not mentioned it to him at work?? Is he depressed or stressed, do you think? Has he not questioned why you don't have sex as often any more??

I'd also stop being affectionate with him. If he smells that bad, it's no wonder you don't want to be physical with him. Perhaps it's time to be brutal with him. If he asks why tell him! Don't dress it up. If it means you moving to the spare room to drive the point home, then do that. Why should you have to sleep on smelly dirty sheets because he doesn't bathe? Again - if he asks why - tell him.

If you do move to the spare room? Leave the bedclothes in the bedroom right where they are. Don't change them, and don't tidy the room. If he wants to live like a pig - let him!

My husband has a physical job. I still make him do his share, although I do the lion's share of the housework and take care of the house bills. He washes up, takes the dog out as I can't really exercise at the moment, and will run the Hoover round if I don't get round to it. Hell - he might even put on the occasional load, even if he always puts the wash on too hot!

Have you also suggested counselling to him, OP? That would help too.

Sorry - I just don't have anything more constructive to add. Hope it works out for you.

m'lady · 22-05-2014 2:05pm

worthlessandbelittled wrote: »

Hello

I have been debating about posting this thread for a number of weeks now because I don't want it to seem like I'm whinging over things that don't matter but I need some advice.

I am having a number of issues with my husband and I just can't seem to get through to him about any of them.

The first one is in relation to his hygiene. He just can't be bothered showering or changing his clothes. He has gone 10 - 14 days without taking a shower and in that period of time may only change his clothes 3-4 times (including underwear). It turns my stomach. I'm not a clean freak or anything like that but there are times when there is a very obvious smell off him. For example, last weekend he turned over in bed to face me and between the odour from his body and his smelly breath I actually had to get up out of the bed it was that bad.
I have to change the bed sheets at least 3 times a week otherwise they begin to smell horrendous too.
Aside from the obvious, i.e. the smell etc. I find it very unattractive that he makes no effort with himself, it makes him seem like he doesn't value himself at all.
I'm sure it will be obvious as well that our sex life isn't great if he's not showering. He just shows no interest.
We were last intimate about 6 months ago. I am a young woman and this is not enough for me. Aside from the lack of sex he shows me no affection, we kiss each other goodbye in the morning and say "I love you" but I feel like it's just part of the routine now.
I try to be affectionate with him but I have to be honest that the smell is so bad sometimes that I don't even want to hug him as it turns my stomach.
I have spoken to him many times about this but at the end of the day, I don't want to feel like his mother telling him to shower and change his clothes.
I have tried saying things like "there will be no blow jobs unless you have a shower" and try to say this in a playful way but because he shows so little interest in sex, it doesn't really have an impact.
What can I do? He's a grown man, he's 10 years older than me, and I do not want to feel like I have to order him about like a child.
My sister even said to me recently that she thought there was a bit of smell off him but I had to cover it up and say he spilled something on himself as I was so embarrassed.
I believe both people in a relationship are a reflection of each other and I always put my best self forward for him.

The other issue then is a bit more serious, to me anyway.
I feel that my husband has no respect for my job or the fact that I work very hard 5 days a week.
I work in a very busy office (I don't want to give away too much detail). My job involves working directly alongside the boss of the office. I have 3 people on a team who report to me and all in all, the office is a great environment, there isn't any clash of personalities even though the 3 people who report to me are older than me. I really enjoy my job. Like every job, there are bad points and it's not perfect but I love the work and we all get along well. My boss, who I work alongside, always has so much praise for me and my work and the various people that we both interact with in the course of our work always report back to my boss about how good I am etc.
However, my husband puts little to no value on my job. He finished college last year and has been working in a good job for the past 6 months. We both work the same hours but I have no problem saying his work is more physical than mine but it's just different and that's something that he just can't understand. He compares our work like for like and says that his job is so much harder than mine. He regularly says "sure your job is just sitting at a desk all day long" (which it isn't) "sure what are you tired from? you're only sitting down all day long" (which I'm not).
He makes me feel worthless and really belittles me.
He also uses his more "physical" job as a reason to do nothing around the house. This isn't a big deal but it ties in with him belittling my job. He will say things like "sure you can do x and y because you're just sitting down all day long".
I have spoken with him about this a few times but he just brushes it off.

Does anybody have any advice?

Oh your poor thing..Firstly I will say that you are not whinging over things that don't matter, this matters very much. I really don't know how you have tolerated this for any length of time, you have more patience than I would.

I don't think you mention how long this has been going on? Is this only recently or has he been like this for a long time? I agree with a previous poster that he doesn't sound like he's depressed, but then again maybe he is? As for him not doing anything in the house, that's just unfair and lazy- there's no excuse, especially that your both working.

I'd pack him off to the spare room, and tell him why. He's treating you with such disrespect and doesn't value your job- not on. I'm surprised his lack of hygiene hasn't been brought up in his job actually.

LegacyUser · 22-05-2014 2:14pm

Thanks for all the replies everybody.

He doesn't seem to be depressed, is there any way of finding this out? He is very reluctant to visit a doctor and doesn't even have a regular GP.

This has been going on for about 18 months but has gotten worse in the past 3-4 months and he has been going even longer without a shower.
I think he is just lazy and doesn't care.

We are married nearly 2 years.

He has never mentioned to me about anyone saying it to him at work. Maybe they have and he just hasn't told me?

He is the one who is uninterested in sex in general. I am just uninterested in sex with a smelly person. He appears to have no sex drive. He has been like this for about 18 months too.

Unfortunately, we don't have a spare room and as I have a problem with my neck, I couldn't really sleep on the couch with much comfort.
I have had to replace his pillows twice in the past 12 months because they were badly stained from head sweat and quite smelly.

As regards the housework, I do everything. I do all the cleaning, all the cooking, buy all the household groceries, I feed the dogs, walk the dogs, pay for everything related to the dogs, I do as much of the odd jobs around the house as possible because if I don't do them they are just not done and the house would be left to fall down around us. I know some of you suggest not doing anything until he joins in but I could not live in the kind of mess he would allow build up and it wouldn't be fair on our dogs either.

We own our own home outright so the only bills we have between us are the ESB bill and our internet bill. I contribute €50 a week towards bills (this excludes the items mentioned above which I pay for on my own) and recently my husband has started demanding more money. Unfortunately, due to the neck problem I mentioned I cannot afford more than €50 per week as I have quite high medical expenses every week between medication and physio. My husband told me that I should be contributing at least €80 per week and when I told him I cannot afford this he told me "you'd have to pay it if you were somewhere else". This really upset me as it makes it sound like he thinks he's my landlord. Where is "somewhere else"? We're married, living in our marital home so there should never be a "somewhere else".

ManOfMystery · 22-05-2014 2:20pm

I'd stop with the softly softly approach and opt for shock value instead. Tell him he smells, tell him friends/associates have mentioned it on occasion and tell him it's embarassing. 'Hints' and being nice about it are not working, so you just have to be straight up even if it makes you feel guilty.

A shower takes all of 5 mins, there is absolutely no excuse for anyone not to have a quick one every day or at a push, every other day. Even a splash at the sink would be better than nothing.

LegacyUser · 22-05-2014 2:26pm

Also, as I have said, I think we are a reflection of each other so I try to put my best self forward. I'm not perfect in any way but I would never go unwashed or anything like that.

In relation to the way he treats me over my job, I do feel that he looks down on what I do as being unimportant. He literally does nothing around the house, won't even load or unload the dishwasher and if he does he will say "look I did that for you", it's not for me, it's for the house so we don't look like slobs and to have clean dishes to eat our food off of.
He will often say "I'm too tired to sweep the floor" or "I'm too tired to load the diswasher" and will follow it up with "sure you do that, you're just sitting down all day long".

ABajaninCork · 22-05-2014 3:22pm

Why is your husband demanding more money? What is he putting in?? Does he put in E80? I'd be telling him to get stuffed. You simply can't afford it as you have medical bills to pay. Does he not realise that?

Get a sofa bed for the front room and sleep on it. I'd refuse to share a bed again with that disgusting, stinking, lazy git.

Barely There · 22-05-2014 3:37pm

worthlessandbelittled wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies everybody.

He doesn't seem to be depressed, is there any way of finding this out? He is very reluctant to visit a doctor and doesn't even have a regular GP.

This has been going on for about 18 months but has gotten worse in the past 3-4 months and he has been going even longer without a shower.
I think he is just lazy and doesn't care.

We are married nearly 2 years.

He has never mentioned to me about anyone saying it to him at work. Maybe they have and he just hasn't told me?

He is the one who is uninterested in sex in general. I am just uninterested in sex with a smelly person. He appears to have no sex drive. He has been like this for about 18 months too.

Unfortunately, we don't have a spare room and as I have a problem with my neck, I couldn't really sleep on the couch with much comfort.
I have had to replace his pillows twice in the past 12 months because they were badly stained from head sweat and quite smelly.

As regards the housework, I do everything. I do all the cleaning, all the cooking, buy all the household groceries, I feed the dogs, walk the dogs, pay for everything related to the dogs, I do as much of the odd jobs around the house as possible because if I don't do them they are just not done and the house would be left to fall down around us. I know some of you suggest not doing anything until he joins in but I could not live in the kind of mess he would allow build up and it wouldn't be fair on our dogs either.

We own our own home outright so the only bills we have between us are the ESB bill and our internet bill. I contribute €50 a week towards bills (this excludes the items mentioned above which I pay for on my own) and recently my husband has started demanding more money. Unfortunately, due to the neck problem I mentioned I cannot afford more than €50 per week as I have quite high medical expenses every week between medication and physio. My husband told me that I should be contributing at least €80 per week and when I told him I cannot afford this he told me "you'd have to pay it if you were somewhere else". This really upset me as it makes it sound like he thinks he's my landlord. Where is "somewhere else"? We're married, living in our marital home so there should never be a "somewhere else".

He's disgusting, both in his personal habits and the way he treats you.

He doesn't seem to have any respect of affection for you at all.

Seriously - Why do you want to be with someone like this?

Magicmatilda · 22-05-2014 3:48pm

It seems like he does not want to be married to you or living with you anymore. Have you discussed separation? It sounds like you might need to. Ask him does he want a separation.

This is not a loving relationship that you are in. Why are you staying? what is he adding to your life?

You should be paying 50% of the bills when they arrive. He should be paying 50% of household costs.

Are the dogs both of yours or just your own?

I would start calculating the cost of food etc and deducting that from the 50% percent I owned of the bill. That is the amount quoted on the actual bill - not what he makes up in his head.

username123 · 22-05-2014 3:48pm

Was he always like this regarding personal hygiene?

I do think a neglect of personal hygiene indicates poor mental health. Not only is it horrible for you and the smell etc... but its very unhealthy, a risk to the immune system. Particularly if his job has a physical aspect.

On the hygiene issue you really need to be firm. I absolutely would not share a bed with someone who was willfully unhygienic. Ask him to sleep elsewhere or sleep elsewhere yourself until this is resolved. But you do need to be aware that this may require medical intervention. Young healthy people dont usually just stop washing.

username123 · 22-05-2014 3:52pm

Sorry I hadnt read right down to the end when I last replied.

The way he is treating you is appalling. Why are you staying in this relationship? What exactly are you getting out of it?

LegacyUser · 22-05-2014 3:57pm

Was he always like this OP??

I just cant see how this man is a catch if this is how he carries on.

Not trying to be smart with you or anything OP, quite the opposite, I feel really sorry for you having to put up with that crap.

But seriously, this just started 18 months ago? Patience of a saint you have, did you get any hint during your relationship that he was like this?

Emme · 22-05-2014 4:13pm

worthlessandbelittled wrote: »

We own our own home outright so the only bills we have between us are the ESB bill and our internet bill. I contribute €50 a week towards bills (this excludes the items mentioned above which I pay for on my own) and recently my husband has started demanding more money. Unfortunately, due to the neck problem I mentioned I cannot afford more than €50 per week as I have quite high medical expenses every week between medication and physio. My husband told me that I should be contributing at least €80 per week and when I told him I cannot afford this he told me "you'd have to pay it if you were somewhere else". This really upset me as it makes it sound like he thinks he's my landlord. Where is "somewhere else"? We're married, living in our marital home so there should never be a "somewhere else".

That really stands out. He doesn't consider your neck problem and instead is demanding more money from you. "You'd have to pay it if you were somewhere else" is charming. I don't advocate ending a marriage but maybe you should move into another bedroom for a while. Split all bills down the middle 50:50 at all times. Is the house you own outright in both of your names?

Merkin · 22-05-2014 4:20pm

Good God, I've just read your additional posts. This marriage is bordering on abusive what with the wilful reluctance to help in any way, the flagrant disregard for personal hygiene and then demanding money from you. It doesn't sound like this man even likes you, let alone loves you. What a horrible situation. Do you love this man? Do you want your marriage to work? Because I'd be really concerned about his level of investment, he seems to simply have given up on it all

Jimmy Bottlehead · 22-05-2014 4:31pm

This treatment is not acceptable. He is showing no love to either himself, or more importantly you.

It's time for a very serious talk where he either commits to changing his ways, or else you two look at ending the marriage. He cannot expect someone to stay with him behaving as he is.

D Weasel · 22-05-2014 4:35pm

worthlessandbelittled wrote: »

Hello

I have been debating about posting this thread for a number of weeks now because I don't want it to seem like I'm whinging over things that don't matter but I need some advice.

I am having a number of issues with my husband and I just can't seem to get through to him about any of them.

The first one is in relation to his hygiene. He just can't be bothered showering or changing his clothes. He has gone 10 - 14 days without taking a shower and in that period of time may only change his clothes 3-4 times (including underwear). It turns my stomach. I'm not a clean freak or anything like that but there are times when there is a very obvious smell off him. For example, last weekend he turned over in bed to face me and between the odour from his body and his smelly breath I actually had to get up out of the bed it was that bad.
I have to change the bed sheets at least 3 times a week otherwise they begin to smell horrendous too.
Aside from the obvious, i.e. the smell etc. I find it very unattractive that he makes no effort with himself, it makes him seem like he doesn't value himself at all.
I'm sure it will be obvious as well that our sex life isn't great if he's not showering. He just shows no interest.
We were last intimate about 6 months ago. I am a young woman and this is not enough for me. Aside from the lack of sex he shows me no affection, we kiss each other goodbye in the morning and say "I love you" but I feel like it's just part of the routine now.
I try to be affectionate with him but I have to be honest that the smell is so bad sometimes that I don't even want to hug him as it turns my stomach.
I have spoken to him many times about this but at the end of the day, I don't want to feel like his mother telling him to shower and change his clothes.
I have tried saying things like "there will be no blow jobs unless you have a shower" and try to say this in a playful way but because he shows so little interest in sex, it doesn't really have an impact.
What can I do? He's a grown man, he's 10 years older than me, and I do not want to feel like I have to order him about like a child.
My sister even said to me recently that she thought there was a bit of smell off him but I had to cover it up and say he spilled something on himself as I was so embarrassed.
I believe both people in a relationship are a reflection of each other and I always put my best self forward for him.

The other issue then is a bit more serious, to me anyway.
I feel that my husband has no respect for my job or the fact that I work very hard 5 days a week.
I work in a very busy office (I don't want to give away too much detail). My job involves working directly alongside the boss of the office. I have 3 people on a team who report to me and all in all, the office is a great environment, there isn't any clash of personalities even though the 3 people who report to me are older than me. I really enjoy my job. Like every job, there are bad points and it's not perfect but I love the work and we all get along well. My boss, who I work alongside, always has so much praise for me and my work and the various people that we both interact with in the course of our work always report back to my boss about how good I am etc.
However, my husband puts little to no value on my job. He finished college last year and has been working in a good job for the past 6 months. We both work the same hours but I have no problem saying his work is more physical than mine but it's just different and that's something that he just can't understand. He compares our work like for like and says that his job is so much harder than mine. He regularly says "sure your job is just sitting at a desk all day long" (which it isn't) "sure what are you tired from? you're only sitting down all day long" (which I'm not).
He makes me feel worthless and really belittles me.
He also uses his more "physical" job as a reason to do nothing around the house. This isn't a big deal but it ties in with him belittling my job. He will say things like "sure you can do x and y because you're just sitting down all day long".
I have spoken with him about this a few times but he just brushes it off.

Does anybody have any advice?

You need to do some straight talking to the filthy lazy disgusting fook !!! Simple as that. Also if you don't have kids I would venture it is time to consider divorce. His behaviour will make it impossible to live with him.

LegacyUser · 22-05-2014 5:05pm

So 6mths into your marriage, with a mortgage/debt free home & jobs your new husband decided to stop making an effort of keeping up pretense of humanity, stopped washing, stopped wanting intimacy, stopped (or never did) anything around the house - I have to ask WHY are you still with him?

Do you want to salvage your marriage?
Do you want children in the future?

He contributes nothing to your "Present", what do You Want for your Future?

Boldberry · 22-05-2014 5:28pm

I don't understand how he keeps a job if he only washes a couple of weeks. If my fella left it a day without a shower he would be pretty sniffy, I just can't get my head around this behaviour.

Pawwed Rig · 22-05-2014 7:40pm

I would suspect there is more to this than we have heard so far, 3 sides to every story and all that.
OP I would suggest guidance counselling. Nagging and shouting at him is never going to work (might do the opposite). In the meantime you are both working, hire a cleaner for a couple of hours every week and split the cost with him.

lollsangel · 22-05-2014 7:43pm

My ex was like that, I gave up after 8 years 2 years after marrying him. I walked! Best thing I done, if he doesn't change, do u love him enough to keep putting up with it

Fudge You · 22-05-2014 9:09pm

worthlessandbelittled wrote: »

My husband told me that I should be contributing at least €80 per week and when I told him I cannot afford this he told me "you'd have to pay it if you were somewhere else". This really upset me as it makes it sound like he thinks he's my landlord. Where is "somewhere else"? We're married, living in our marital home so there should never be a "somewhere else".

Alarm bells.
Time for a serious conversation.
Im no expert but that does not sound like a marriage. He has a problem, you two have to talk.

And also op. What was he like before you were married???

LegacyUser · 22-05-2014 9:20pm

I just want to say thanks again for all of the replies.

As regards money, I contribute €50 per week and my husband makes up the balance, generally speaking our ESB bill is around €350 every 2 months and €80 for internet, sometimes a bit more, sometimes a bit less. They're our only bills and then I pay for all household stuff.

I suppose I want to be with him because I married the old him and I want to believe he's in there somewhere. He wasn't always like this. He used to take real pride in his appearance and in himself. He used to regularly buy himself new clothes and just generally look after himself, regular haircuts and the like.

The dogs are our dogs, together.

username123 I genuinely wouldn't know a lot about mental health issues, would you have any advice in this regard? I suppose it's something that should be explored, how would I know if this is the cause?

We do still have a laugh together and we have a lot of common interests but I could say the same about some of my friends. I miss the romantic connection, that feeling of wanting to kiss someone and them kissing you back and the contentment of watching a movie next to that person you're most comfortable with. I miss feeling like I'm a part of his life and he a part of mine.

Prior to him changing into this person, he was just normal, normal guy. I did notice that he became very lazy when he was in college. He would never clean up after himself, saying "I'm too busy studying" and his hygiene definitely started to go downhill at that point. He did put in huge hours of study while in college and did very well in his exams and with his thesis so I suppose there is one upside to it. I think maybe he just fell into that pattern then.

The house is just in my husband's name, he inherited the house from his grandaunt when she passed away 5 years ago but had been living in it for years prior to her death as she was in a home suffering from very bad dementia.

I do find the words "you'd have to pay it somewhere else" ringing in my ears all the time.

Pawwed rig - I don't shout at him, I'm just not a shouty person. I don't nag at him other than occasional reminding him to wash. I've given up asking him to contribute to the household chores unless it's something I absolutely cannot do myself.

After I got home, fed the dogs and walked the dogs (something he never does, even on his days off), I decided to go out for a drive and have a think about what to do.

LegacyUser · 22-05-2014 9:25pm

Before we got married he was great, a completely different person almost.
I wonder if this is the real him or if that was the real him.

apsalar · 22-05-2014 10:40pm

OP

Your marriage does not sound happy. And neither does it look like it will change anytime soon.

We make efforts to be attractive to our partners/ other people because we want to look good and present our best face to them (aside from feeling attractive just for ourselves). It sounds like your partner is either depressed (which you are not sure of) or really doesn't care very much what you think about his looks at all i.e., he is not interested in being attractive to you.

That sounds harsh but based on what you said I don't see any other reason for a person to go so long they smell when they share a living space and bed with their spouse.

You also mentioned asking for more money towards expenses.....while I appreciate it is your marital home, was it his house you moved into? Because it sounds as though he has mentally disengaged from the relationship and is now thinking about salvaging what is "his". In other words, he may feel like you are imposing on him and it's telling he feels like he does you favours by doing any housework - seems like he thinks housework is a fair exchange for you living in the home!

This man either has other hidden problems that may be troubling him or has just taken an active dislike to you, never mind the spouse bit.

I feel quite awful for you - I was in a situation where a relationship ended badly because my ex decide he didn't like me anymore so that gave him carte blanche to act like a complete d!ck.

I have never and do not understand why falling out of love means treating the other person like dirt. There is no justification, but then I guess I don't like nastiness, esp if we saw each other naked!

I hope you get to at least find out the "why" of his treatment and act accordingly to make yourself happy even if your marriage never improves. All the best.

username123 · 22-05-2014 11:35pm

Really all you can do is talk to him about why he is this way, ask him would he seek professional help, would he go to his GP, suggest to him that neglect of personal hygiene could be a symptom of some kind of mental health issue. Ask him straight out if he is unhappy and why. Tell him you are at breaking point and it's the marriage that's on the line here because his behaviour is affecting you and distressing you.

Beyond that, well we can't drag people to doctors and even if we could they will only take medical advice if they want to.

Hollister11 · 22-05-2014 11:47pm

If I don't shower every morning my day Is ruined. If your a grown man shower if your going out or not. That's vile.

Boldberry · 23-05-2014 12:30am

I really think the man is ill, depressed people can be very nasty.

The_Honeybadger · 23-05-2014 1:04am

Op I have lived around mental health issues my whole life and your husband has some classic symptoms. Has he lost interest in hobbies and other aspects of his life that were important to him? Does he have friends that he stays in touch with, Maybe if he gets the right help things could get better. He is likely having problems in work as well and needs to sort himself out for his own sake if not for your marriage. It doesn't sound like you are the problem in any case, he took pride in his appearance in the past, this would not change so drastically if he had merely lost interest in you. I would wager that he is depressed but functional in terms of getting up in the morning and going to work. The first step is getting him to acknowledge that there is a problem, he must know that his life is turning into a train wreck .

If he is not sick he is being very unfair with regards money etc., he obviously feels that you are living in "his" house rather than your marital home and that tells it's own story. His behaviour is despicable and you need to ask yourself if you can continue in this marriage. It sounds like you could be financially independent so you have options, do you have kids btw? This is a huge factor.

I would make it clear to him that you are not happy and that you may be forced to leave if things don't improve. It sounds like you love your husband and things might not be beyond saving, but he absolutely has to start making an effort if he wants to hold on to you. Good luck with everything.

Husband makes me feel worthless and makes no effort

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