GuitarZero, can't write much cos I'm on an iPad while travelling but I had to write to say this:
Does anyone feel at night they wanna cry out of sheer bewilderment of how alone and desperate they feel.
Absolutely. And what's worse is that people in my daily life think I'm tough as nails and have everything sorted and some nights I would just lie there without any idea how I could come back to the surface and not suffocate.
I call it "wallowing", mostly because I don't have the right vocabulary for this thing...
What I've learned is that there is no bottom to that pit. I used to think at somehow I would have this release and that would be better for me and clean out the system but there was never a "bounce" for me. The more I wallowed the more I wouldn't see any reason not to go deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole.
I've learned that you have to fight, fight from the first minute, fight the hobgoblin, fight the negative spiral. Don't go there because there is NOTHING there for you. No great insight, no release, no peace, just endless descent. At least for me that's how it is.
You can change all of this, you think you can't but you can. I had the same ing happen to me about my folks and how I hadn't told them how much they meant to me. The phone rang at 11pm and it said "Home". That scared be cos my folks are out cold by 10pm so I got a start and thought "omg, it's my dad, it's *that* call". I was nearly frantic when I answered to find it was my mum just calling to ask me something after a night out.
The next week I took them for dinner and in the middle of it I just blurted out how much I respected how much they had done for me in my life. I just opened my gob and said the words. I just reached into my pants, grabbed a handful, took a deep breath and told the people I love more than anything that I appreciated everything they had done for me. They were a bit taken aback because it came out of nowhere but my father, usually a fairly unemotional Dub, looked prouder then I've seen him in a long time.
So, pick a day, stick it in your head, arrange to meet and just tell them. That's my advice anyway. You aren't a passenger in your own life, fight back, take charge, get up and get in the game. Believe me, I'm not being trite, I know how hard it is when you have Velcro for a back and everything seems pointless. Listen to the voice telling you you know you should do this, concentrate on it and ignore the howls from the hobgoblin. Decide to do it and then head down and get it done. You'll be thankful, I swear. Don't let this pass, don't put it off. Don't feel embarrassed, you'll make their day.