Sex stopped? At my age? For the rest of my life?

same boat 98 wrote: »

I'm in almost the same situation except that we still get on and to be honest love each other. Seven years ago we had our second child and that was it. We never made love again. Had sex yes once or twice a year. Not this year though. Like the OP I gave up. She doesn't even respond to cuddles anymore...

I'm really not sure how much we realise that hormones are pretty much responsible for this in addition to modern lifestyles that enable women to say no more sex. While I applaud the fact that women can be brave enough to admit it and not tolerate unwanted sex with their husbands, it's a pretty messed up scenario that they also see no need to address the matter. I referenced my own experience earlier in the thread and its there to take whatever a man wants to take from it.

Between the OP and the post above, along with other similar posts, I think this is a thread that can be different to similar threads because actual experiences are being referenced. Not that it solves anything, but it is highlighting a massive issue and discussion can hopefully deliver some conclusions and potential solutions.

My own solution was to have sex with someone else after my wife said she wouldnt blame me. This lead to jealousy and a very awkward situation when my wife tried to seduce me while I was actively having sex with someone else and I rejected her. It worked for us eventually and thankfully we are on the road to somewhere instead of nowhere. But it did involve a Doctor and lots of treatment, understanding and support. If we take the lack of love and affair scenario out of a womans disinterest in sex, straight out of the equation, we are back to basics. Those basics are hormones and those hormones can be fixed. But the biggest problem is the outright refusal of women to NOT think its a problem. This is wrong on so many levels. It's very prevelant these days hence these threads and posts.

I have a theory, but I'm not so sure I could express it here without causing chaos.

Cool thread and sad thread at the same time. Hopefully we can achieve some sort of solution/assurance for contributors.

Just wanted to add my experience to the thread, although not as relevant as some of the other replies.
I went through a similar experience to some of the posters during and after my wife’s second pregnancy. For the last 4 months or so of the pregnancy she completely went off sex – that’s probably understandable and I certainly didn’t push things. We has always had quite a good sex life up until then and it had never been a major issue for during the first pregnancy.
After our child was born I obviously wasn’t pushing for sex and just presumed that things would eventually get back to normal.
One evening I realised that it had been over a year since we’d had sex and there was still no sign of anything changing. When I would sometimes raise the issue it would get pushed away, I was made to feel I was being unreasonable. I think it had almost become a habit at this stage and I knew I needed to do something. One evening I just sat down with my wife and as calmly as possible talked about it. I said that while I still loved her, I couldn’t continue in a marriage that was lacking all intimacy. I don’t think my wife had even realised up to this point how bad things had gotten. We agreed we’d start trying again.
It sounds unromantic but we actually agreed set evenings that we called ‘sex-dates’. When the kids were in bed we’d have a nice meal, a couple of glasses of wine, massages, and sex (yeah!).
We eventually started to reconnect sexually, and our sex lives started to return to normal. Not bragging, but we probably have better sex now than we ever did and we’re married over 11years and together for almost 20.

I guess my point is that there eventually comes a stage where you need to sit down and address the issue and agree to solve it together – if one of the parties isn’t willing to do this then it’s not going to work.

suicide_circus wrote: »

Christ this thread is scary. So many replies of people in the same boat.How does one avoid this?

I think it is as simple as people falling out of love. In a relationship without children the couple will more than likely split up but it's harder when you have kids.

The difference between men and women is that women usually won't want sex with their partner or husband if they are no longer in love....whereas men often still will. I don't think that makes the woman the bad guy but it seems many people do seem to think that.

As for why couples fall out of love well I think a major problem is lack of communication and understanding. I think couples let issues build up without sorting them out properly and this leads to resentment that can be too hard to come back from if left for too long.

I use another forum and I notice a pattern on there all the time between couples with youn families, now these stories are always told from the womans side but likewise these stories about lack of sex are often told from the mans side.

Anyway a major issue seems to be about the man not pulling his weight at home....even if his wife or partner is also working. This leads to a lot of resentment and the woman pulling away from the man, he pulls away from her too because he sees her as nagging whereas she sees it as just reminding. I think what people should remember is that as much as men hate being 'nagged' i'm sure the vast majority of women hate having to actually keep going on and on about something, they don't like being turned into a nag!!

This type of behaviour can be very bad for relationships because I think the man can often feel emasculated because of the way the woman speaks to him but she will often feel very unloved and taken for granted too...very bad combination I think especially if the behaviour goes on for years which it often will when children are young.

I think if any resentments are left to fester for a long time without being resolved and sex rarely happens as a result then it is often hard for the woman to have sex with her partner as she doesn't see him in that way anymore and it can often feel like a brother/sister relationship. She doesn't desire him in that way...again I don't think that that makes her the bad guy.

I think another big part of why this kind of thing happens is because we don't really take steps to look after our mental health, if we're stressed we take it out on those closest to us and it takes it's toll on our relationship and while outsiders often see the best version of that person while the closest person to them sees all the bad bits.

Right now I am in a bad phase. She walks in, I walk out. She looks at me, I look away. I have moved into the downstairs room over a year ago, at the time I told her I will not continue with this grotesque Ernie and Bert relationship. I now spend most of my time in my room, I avoid her whenever possible. We have tried to patch this up and everything works great, we go away on weekend breaks, we have fun, we get on, we do things, I put in an effort and then she says "I'm tired, I just want to go to sleep". So afterwards back to my room I go and back to ignoring her.
I can feel the bitterness and resentment as physical sensations, it feels like my body is being poisoned.
Why don't I move out? I can't! My salary just about covers the mortgage, the cars, the shopping and maybe going to the beach every now and then with her (grrr) and the dogs (yay!).
I don't have 8-900 extra a month to also rent an apartment. And however bad things get I will REFUSE to move into some grubby student houseshare or worse even, renting a room of some family, I'll plough my car into a tree before I do that. Besides I can't even afford that.
We need to sell the house and split the money and go our separate ways. She has already talked about our next house together, I actually feel like strangling the bitch when she says that, has she not listened to what I have been saying to her for the last 10 years? Screaming sometimes? I am living with a demon who is sucking the lifeforce out of me.
She then says "of course, right so, move out then, but I expect you to call your solicitor and sign the house over to me and by the way, you'll still owe the mortgage". Needless to say I should also cover the legal costs. The absolute screamer and knee-slapper is, I can't even do that! The bank would not allow her to take over the mortgage, because she has no jobs and no means to cover the mortgage.
I need to talk to a solicitor to force the sale of the house and if anyone has any suggestions who else to talk to, I would be very, very grateful. She has previously mentioned about me abandoning her and how could I do it and do I want her ending up living on the street with the dogs, etc...
She then says "so you are willing to throw away our relationship over sex". I then simply quote the exact same sentence back to her. Of course then I am selfish and only out for my own gratification.
What really gets me is the sh*te she looks up on the internet. Alien abduction. The Bilderbergs, the Rothschields, the Illuminati, the grey aliens, the reptilians, the angel cards, the unicorns and all that is just some of the saner stuff, you want to see the really out there, whacked out stuff she looks up.
And I notice she will let me get away with absolutely anything, she will do anything for me, all because she knows that without me she is utterly screwed. I can ignore her, not talk to her, she will pretend to be happy and that everything is hunky dory. Even when she flips (gives me a tiny bit of grim satisfaction), she will be back to pretend happy and smiling in a short time. I guess to annoy me, to show me that she can get to me but I can't get to her, but I know I can and I do. Soon there will be nothing left in our relationship but spite and malice. In a way it's more honest than what's happening now. Me ignoring her and her pretending all is well.
I think I should start going out without her, meeting friends and maybe more, any thoughts on that?

One add on:
One poster above mentioned the guy having a drinking problem. Of course that doesn't work. If one of the parties in the relationship has a substance abuse problem, it cannot work. But it definitely doesn't apply in my case, I drink little to no alcohol. I don't even smoke.
So, no sex, no drugs, no alcohol, there are priests that have a more hectic and active social and sex life than me.

It's getting hard to keep up with who's story is who, but I think it's good to read everyones story anyway (so please don't split the thread mod!!).

Anyway,kind of same story, nearly.

Married old enough, lived together long enough, Child one arrived, went relatively ok.
Child 2 arrived and then the days turned into weeks which turned into months, then we kind of got things a bit more regular, but then child 3 arrived and it's not as bad but still the frustration does eat me up, at this stage though my wife isn;t even concerned with foreplay, just get it over with, and then saying it was fun and we should be doing it every morning and night..

and here's the thing (and another poster mentioned it earlier)... I can predict down to the day when she'll be interested again. And shock horror folks, it's all just based on her cycle.

Thinking back on things, she used always loose the nut (like a blind rage) around a certain time of her cycle... (as in jealousy, obsessing about housework, someone out to get her, stupid raging arguments over nothing, threatening to leave with the kids, telling me I should leave).. and then everything would be rosy in a few days time as if it never happened. So eventually she told her doctor about her moods and lack of libido. So as much as we were both hesitant she tried prozac (with regular monitoring by her doctor I must emphasise). When she was on it everything was much calmer and it was actually a very loving house with a lot more patience and less sniping (but of course prozac has it's side effects too).

So now she's off it and it's going back to that way again. The thing is, we both recognise it and talk about it, I don't want to ever suggest to her that they go 'on medication' as she has a fairly good head on her shoulders and always makes the right decision for us.

But I hate it, I think people often get the impression that men 'just' want to shoot their load, and initially I thought that this was just my 'hormones' being irrational so I should stop the 'pestering' for sex. But it's just unbearable, loads of teasing/promises/overt suggestions during the day time but when the night time comes I'm just a dirty pervert dog 'looking for sex'. Deep down I want to be wanted too, not because I've done x,y or z in the kitchen, but because I'm me and someone would want me for just being me. If I did just want to 'get off' then I'd be engaging in masturbation very often, but that just depresses me and makes me feel shallow at this stage of my life.

I'm sick to the back teeth of listening to people who say "oh! just make some more time for romance and the rest will follow" or "buy her flowers" or "help with the housework". This just puts the issue 'solely' back on the man, so invariably it hints at 'buying sex' from your spouse.


I'd be against criticising your desire 'for sex' by any means necessary (dates and flowers etc), so I think people should go easy a bit on the OP. Your head is all over the place OP and people need to realise that sex for men isn't just about 'knocking one out', it runs just as deep as it does for women, except a lot of us men don't really realise this. Sure, you could go away and have a few affairs and what nots, but deep down you want to be loved, and if you do find love then it's going to be very tricky dealing with that with your wife at home.

I also think that kids pick up on parents issues/interactions, so the coldness and arguments will become their 'normality' too. Do you want to be teaching them that that is how a normal marriage is? But don't get me wrong, this isn't advice to throw in the towel just yet. I think most marriages go on a roller coaster (despite what your perfect friend's marriages look like!), so there might be hope yet.

So in the end, I'd take up some other posters advice and consider asking her to see a GP and rule out hormones. Also the fact that she's going deep into conspiracy theories may suggest paranoia (which was a major factor in my wife's imbalance!). I had the bags packed a few times untill I took a stand and said "why the f*ck should I be the one leaving my house and kids".So that's my story OP, I would never want to leave her. But heck I miss the fun we used to enjoy.

Maybe there's something more going on in society (like hormones in the water kind of thing!) as it seems like a common enough problem on this forum. Or was it always that way and a large portion of couples just grew old and bitter together while it was all apple pie in public.

Remember OP you've done absolutely nothing wrong, you just want to be wanted. Talk it out, surely ye must have had something worth fighting for before the marriage and kids.

'Not me' your post actually scares me. That level of hate for someone who you you just dont have sex life with is disturbing. You know you are 100% responsible for your own life and happiness right? You're sounding like a sad and bitter man that when presented with solutions or help to a situation that you OBVIOUSLY need to change, you revert to inaction and victim mentality so as not to have to set about the immense work involved in changing your life to achieve the happiness you want or a least a more content situation for yourself. You seem to prefer to sit seething and gathering poisonous resentment, but do nothing. And you actually say you want to have sex with a person you despise? That's dishonest. You don't want a sex life with HER you want a different partner, a different life, everything. Stop the blame game and pinning all the responsibility of YOUR happiness of the shoulders of your wife who you too are treating despicably.