Sex stopped? At my age? For the rest of my life?

Hi guys, OP here. I know I didn’t post for a while but taking my mind off this issue and immersing myself in work/kids/sport helps me deal with it (or postpone dealing with it of course!)
I think the thread got a bit confusing because a couple of other posters quite rightly added in their sad experiences & comments went to and fro about them.
'Not Me' – you have more than a no-sex problem. They way your post was written I can only hope it was a really bad day and that every day isn’t like that. There is a real undercurrent of hatred there – but a year ago I could have written in the same way. There used to be screaming (infrequent) and shouting (very frequent). Now all that has died down and while I saw this as a process of recovery, she thinks the recovery has been made and done and that’s it. Sex was not & is not part of her idea of a part of the relationship. No attempt to address it.
You say you walk the dogs together – this sounds like a positive thing to me – in our house that kind of thing started a few months ago after 7 years of never happening. We did nothing together. My take on this is that if you both do enjoyable things in each other’s company, you share an enjoyable experience, no matter how small, and over time you associate those enjoyable experiences with each other and you start getting on with each other. And to me, sex is one of those experiences. I think it would be good for us as a couple. That’s not the only reason I miss it of course – I feel I have a need for it & it’s a normal, healthy part of like – and the rejection I am getting is leading to an unhealthy, abnormal life.

I think some of the posts about seeing sex almost as a ‘transaction’ were going the wrong way - “I work hard every week for this house, you must put out for me….” – no I can’t see that approach working. But I have taken the bull by the horns & explained that my sex life is not over & she can choose to be part of that or not. So far she is just kicking the can down the road & postponing discussing it or doing anything about it (like seeing a therapist).

I really can't believe this has happened to me & the way out of it is such a difficult path to follow.

Thanks for reading/posting - have to say I dodn't expect this many posts - it really has hit a chord with a lot of people.

you'll hate this but it needs to be said.

Sounds like your wife doesnt love you any more. By all means try and fix it but if I were you I'd prepare for it to fail. She's not even trying. She's keeping you around for as long as possible for your money and the roof over her and the kids head. When it's all over, it goes to the courts and she gets the house and kids. This type of thread comes up all the time.

Man marries woman.
Woman has kids.
Man provides resources.
Sex dries up.
Man's purpose served.

Horrible truth about marriage and life:
Men love women. Women love kids.

I'm sorry. I really hope things get better for you soon.

charlietheminxx wrote: »

I think the advice above is really unfair, not all women want children. Most women do not use men as a means to an end. Lots of women genuinely enjoy sex and need it as much or more than men.

I hope things work out for you OP, you deserve a fulfilling sex life and it sounds like you're really working hard on your marriage.

That might be true but time and time again this problem is posted here from a man's point of view. You rarely read about this problem from a wife's point of view, at least on here.

I know from talking to my older male friends, this is common problem for married men.

Yes Mickey - of course I'd envisage the sex as consenual - theres never be a suggestion of anything other than this. It ceryainly should be fun - I can't understand how such a fun, natural, healthy and necessary thing has gotten to be such an event that it requires degrees in psychology to undertstand the emotions, games, build-ups, consequences when it's not happening
I don't know what ever happened to a husband/wife just enjoying sex 1-2 times a week and it helping to bring them closer together.
In my relationship it's become almost like a bargaining chip - there's still none happening anyway, but the talk is all about you do this/this/this & maybe I'll feel like doing that (trouble is I've done the this/this/this but she's still finding every which way to avoid sex.)
I can see the whole sex thing is probably never going to be good between us unfortunately. I have to just see now is this the deal breaker & get out or if I can live with it

AnonThisTime wrote: »

Yes - you're absolutely right - she has fallen out of love with me (a very long time ago I'd say TBH) - and me with her. I just thought we could get it all going again & the reduction in arguments and nastiness gave me great hope. After seeing what it used to be like a few years ago (which I didn't go on about in this post as I didn't want distractions from the second topic), I'd be happy to try to stay together for an OK marriage, with 'stale' but acceptable personal friendship and sex occasionally - say even once a month.
Yes for sure this is filling my own desires. I was just hoping that if we got back to it she would start liking it again & then sex would be something we both desired albeit in different amounts which I'm sure is common.

I can understand what you're saying and it would be great if it did work out like that but unfortunately I think for many women once they fall out of love and stop having sex then even if the couple manage to get on well and maybe some kind of love comes back it will be like a brother/sisterly love rather than being 'in love'...and I don't know if the sexual side of a marriage can come back once you have that kind of relationship.

Hi TryingToBeHelpful,

Thanks for the comments - its been a while since I posted as guess I was trying to put this to the back of my mind.
My wife also had difficult births & maybe that's a part of the problem - however she never went on the pill. It was up to me always to use condoms. I'd be happy enough to have a vasectomy if we were having sex & was asked to do so at one stage - but I'd feel better about it if I saw us having sex a couple of times a month and then go and get it done - I really feel I'd end up getting this done and there'd still be no sex.

I'm very close to bailing out now anyway - I think it's all done. Christmas is just over & no improvement in sex life and a huge dis-improvement in moods.

Psychological problems?? well I think there is some - but they're not causing a problem for her so she's not dealing with them. TBH I think it is really just a relationship that's gone stale and ran it's course and she finds me annoying to be with, or unattractive, or just has moved on from desiring sex to seeing it as something dirty/messy/embarrassing/tiring.

Awful shame that 2 people can't just get along with each other & work together for something worth saving - I can't understand it!

As for the reasons we got married... of course you'd imagine they would still be there but a few months ago during a calm discussion she did let it slip that all those years ago I was the guy who had the good job and enjoyed having the craic with nephews and nieces -maybe the 'baby machine blinkers' might have been on & that made me more attractive than I may have otherwise been. But of course we had fun and enjoyed each other's company then - not any more though.