No longer attracted to my girlfriend

SMJSF · 20-12-2014 3:26pm

It could be down to a lot of things.... has her lifestyle changed from when you first met/start your relationship? if she's working and doing an office job, shes more likely to be sitting around all day.
Or it could be that she isn't working and has nothing to do... OP isn't giving a lot of detail about her lifestyle for people to give there opinion on it.

Contraception is another big thing... when I went on the DEPO for the first time, I gained 2 stone within a year. I lost the weight within a few months when the BF and I broke up and I came off it.

Or, she may be pregnant...

Venus In Furs · 20-12-2014 3:42pm

Paco Rodriguez wrote: »

Ah would ye give over about the shallowness. It's the Ops future.

Nobody said anything about shallowness before your post?

myshirt wrote: »

Very universally known that the bulk of women pile on the weight following marriage. Yes there might be men, but I'd be confident nothing of consequence.

The "bulk"? Well if you want to think that, do I suppose.

Ann84 wrote: »

Why do most men start off with a full head of hair?

In fairness, weight is something that can be controlled - hair-loss isn't.

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

Some gross opinions in this thread...
It is AH I suppose.

Unreal. Some comments are funny in fairness and not meant maliciously, but some... you'd swear farm animals were being talked about.

OP, wait until new year: start by setting an example and going out exercising regularly/buying lots of fresh, healthy food and preparing it. Emphasise too how enjoyable exercise can be and how great it makes you feel.
If she doesn't take the hint, tell her in a sensitive manner that her weight gain is causing you to lose physical attraction to her. Don't do so in a harsh way ("tough love" just means "being a ****") - it doesn't seem like you would anyway, seeing as you love her. If she gets upset, stand your ground - explain you're only saying what is actually a fact, not trying to insult her.

If you didn't love her, I'd just say to finish with her, but seeing as you say you love her and seem to want to remain in the relationship with her, then you'll need to communicate how you feel.
There's nothing wrong with it - people can't help it if they lose attraction to someone who isn't looking after themselves; this loss of attraction is not voluntary.

If she goes really nuts and tells her friends and they all claim you're a superficial bastard and should be attracted to her no matter what her size (total nonsense - dumb women's magazines have a lot to answer for) etc, I'd say jog on. Needy, deluded people and their friends are not worth dealing with in any way.
But at the same time, when you are broaching this with her, be sensitive. I have a friend who says it to me if I'm getting a bit padded (usually in the winter) and it doesn't bother me, I just do something about it, but not everyone is able to face up to putting on weight and it's a difficult one for them.

Things like thyroid and PCOS have been suggested - and they could be leading to her weight gain, but statistically speaking, the likelihood is just consuming too many calories/burning not enough.

Aurum · 20-12-2014 4:29pm

Venus In Furs wrote: »

Unreal. Some comments are funny in fairness and not meant maliciously, but some... you'd swear farm animals were being talked about.

And I'm sure tomorrow someone in another thread will trot out the "but it's really only women who are critical of other women" line.

The One Doctor · 20-12-2014 4:45pm

nails1 wrote: »

My girlfriend has gained a lot of weight over the past year and I find myself less and less attracted to her. I no longer wish to have sex with her but still love her which I don't think she realises. Am I best to tell her about how I truly feel or does this sound selfish?

Mine has gained about 10kgs and I love her even more.

She's pregnant. Very pregnant.

Fukuyama · 20-12-2014 4:52pm

Aurum wrote: »

And I'm sure tomorrow someone in another thread will trot out the "but it's really only women who are critical of other women" line.

There's a difference between calling it as it is and the vitriol I've heard during little bitching sessions.

Saipanne · 20-12-2014 4:56pm

The One Doctor wrote: »

Mine has gained about 10kgs and I love her even more.

She's pregnant. Very pregnant.

What's your point?

efb · 20-12-2014 5:01pm

I know I put on considerable weight when going through a bout of depression

Saipanne · 20-12-2014 5:06pm

efb wrote: »

I know I put on considerable weight when going through a bout of depression

Yes, and there other possible medical reasons too. But if you randomly selected an overweight person from the population, the probability is high in favour of that person being fat because of laziness/poor diet/not caring.

efb · 20-12-2014 5:07pm

Saipanne wrote: »

Yes, and there other possible medical reasons too. But if you randomly selected an overweight person from the population, the probability is high in favour of that person being fat because of laziness/poor diet/not caring.

What's the breakdown?

Christian Bale · 20-12-2014 5:10pm

efb wrote: »

What's the breakdown?

Why do you need a breakdown, it's common sense if you have your eyes open that most people who are overweight are overweight because of of their eating habits and a lack of exercise.

JOSman · 20-12-2014 5:19pm

The OP is lucky that he feels like this now and not 10 years time with 4 kids and a huge mortgage. Do what feels right now.

If the worst comes to the worst, relationships break down but the fact that you still have fond memories of her is a good thing.

Best of luck to both of you.

Fukuyama · 20-12-2014 5:30pm

efb wrote: »

What's the breakdown?

Studies vary from one to the next and country to country.

Ireland has gotten fat over the past 20 years and there's no point doubting it or hoping statistics will explain why we're all fat because of hormones or something.

If someone get's fat it's best to approach the problem with the most obvious solution the same if your car won't start you check the battery first. If after three months there's no change only then is it worth your while exploring other options. Doing it in reverse only encourages "special snowflake" treatment that's far too prevalent when it comes to obesity IMO.

Lots of people get lung cancer, but the first question everyone asks is "did he/she smoke?".

Saipanne · 20-12-2014 5:37pm

efb wrote: »

What's the breakdown?

As said above, common sense and an understanding of the bell curve.

Venus In Furs · 20-12-2014 5:39pm

Dean0088 wrote: »

There's a difference between calling it as it is and the vitriol I've heard during little bitching sessions.

Some of the comments on this thread are not "calling it as it is", they're just downright cuntty.

Joe prim · 20-12-2014 5:54pm

nails1 wrote: »

Yes the weight gain is because of comfort eating and pure laziness. She also quit smoking so this hasn't helped either in terms of extra weight.

So, fat, but probably smells a bit better, so...it's a trade-off. BTW,Has she much road-frontage, another important factor in Irish romance?

Fukuyama · 20-12-2014 5:56pm

Venus In Furs wrote: »

Some of the comments on this thread are not "calling it as it is", they're just downright cuntty.

Well this is AH - expect dark humour. Most people who say things on the Internet do so for the "likes" or whatever and wouldn't actually approach the situation like that.

In my experience lads can be cruel to a point of being blunt, but at least they're out in the open about it. Generally, serious bitching by a man is more likely to be called out rather than encouraged. Manys a time I've sat silently on a bus or elsewhere near a group of female strangers who were holding a full-on AGM of the Bitch Society and some girl was getting torn to shreds behind her back with some pretty nasty comments, gossip, agreements to isolate her etc... These weren't teenagers either - women in their 20s, 30s and upwards. I've never experienced that with lads, whether they were my own friends or otherwise. Obviously stereotypes tend to be an exaggerated minority but there's some truth to that one and many women would agree. I've female friends who've said as much and prefer to be friends with men as it simply doesn't occur unless there's actual serious cause for it.

The reality is that, given the situation as the OP describes it, it'd be best to just drop a bombshell on her and see if it has any effect. If it doesn't then the OP would be well advised to cut his losses now before they start piling up. There's no point sticking around for months, treating her like a toddler with little initiatives, mind-games and hints.

Trying to help someone who won't help themselves is a fools game.

beks101 · 20-12-2014 6:10pm

Do both of yourselves a favour and break up with her.

If I gained a substantial amount of weight I'd be under no illusions, I doubt this girl is either. No amount of subtle hints or heavy-handed cajoling or "let's go for a run instead of getting a takeaway"s is going to suddenly convince her to start to lose it.

If she's going to lose it, that decision is going to come from within, because she wants to prioritize her health and clean up her diet and get active, not because her relationship is under threat or her boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with her. If she's a comfort eater those things might make matters worse.

Venus In Furs · 20-12-2014 6:49pm

Dean0088 wrote: »

Well this is AH - expect dark humour. Most people who say things on the Internet do so for the "likes" or whatever and wouldn't actually approach the situation like that.

There are lots of those dry-humoured comments I found funny or wasn't bothered by. The following though are just to be really arsey. You're probably right though - looking for thanks. Fairly teenage.

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

That's one of the good side effects of her recent elephantiasis, it screws with their ability to get pregnant so whenever he does get the Dutch courage to harpoon that whale there's way less chance of a baby walrus.

supersean1999 wrote: »

Imagine how ****** you will be after you have knocked a few kids out of her.

cabledude wrote: »

Or the OP could start re-tapping the ex-fat bird again. Only 1 thing better than having 1 skinny chic...

Specialun wrote: »

I personally have never "been" with a big girl but by all accounts if they dont get it too often when they do they aperciate it more

ThinkAboutIt wrote: »

If she does anal, the fattie is worth keeping. If she doesn't, then get rid and find yourself a hotter bird.

I'm one of the people of the view that the OP should say it to her, but I don't agree with him just blurting it out bluntly. A bit of sensitivity wouldn't kill him. It's possible to strike a balance between sensitivity and firmness.

But what's with comments too as if it's only women (and seemingly *all* women) who gain weight when they're in a long-term relationship/get older? Yeh beer-guts and jowls are just a woman thing.
It can be hard for some women who've had a baby to keep a trim figure too. Not saying that excuses getting obese, but it does explain a bit of pudgeyness.

Saipanne · 20-12-2014 7:00pm

Venus In Furs wrote: »

There are lots of those dry-humoured comments I found funny or wasn't bothered by. The following though are just obnoxious.

I'm one of the people of the view that the OP should say it to her, but I don't agree with him just blurting it out bluntly. A bit of sensitivity wouldn't kill him. It's possible to strike a balance between sensitivity and firmness.

But what's with comments too as if it's only women (and seemingly *all* women) who gain weight when they're in a long-term relationship/get older? Yeh beer-guts and jowls are just a woman thing.
It can be hard for some women who've had a baby to keep a trim figure too. Not saying that excuses getting obese, but it does explain a bit of pudgeyness.

I would be ok with oh gaining weight after baby. But in the early days it just shows a lack of interest, imo.

Macavity. · 20-12-2014 7:07pm

Not the right forum for this, hence the humorous responses.

Anyway, it's quite simple really IMO. OP has three choices.

1) Break up with her.
2) Come straight out and say it (gently obviously) and hope she takes it on board.
3) Stay with her in an unsatisfying relationship.

Fukuyama · 20-12-2014 7:24pm

Venus In Furs wrote: »

I'm one of the people of the view that the OP should say it to her, but I don't agree with him just blurting it out bluntly. A bit of sensitivity wouldn't kill him. It's possible to strike a balance between sensitivity and firmness.

But what's with comments too as if it's only women (and seemingly *all* women) who gain weight when they're in a long-term relationship/get older? Yeh beer-guts and jowls are just a woman thing.
It can be hard for some women who've had a baby to keep a trim figure too. Not saying that excuses getting obese, but it does explain a bit of pudgeyness.

Agreed with you that those comments are not on - except the one about getting her pregnant and being stuck (although the phrasing could have been better). I agree with that one because it's a personal nightmare scenario of mine. Many men fall in love, ignore the warning signs because they've got love goggles on, get married, have a couple of kids and then wonder why the baby weight keeps growing even though their youngest is 5. Before they know it they're forced to accept that they'll never have sex with someone they're actually attracted to again unless they:

A) Step out of the marriage in secret which the majority wouldn't

Get a divorce and de-facto say goodbye to their kids.

That's a big sacrifice for a man (or woman) particularly if they're only 30/35 and still have a lot of 'playing days' left. If that makes me a bad person then fair enough.

Most people know that men get fat too. But this thread is obviously about a bloke who (presumably anyways) has kept himself in shape and his OH hasn't. So obviously the discussion is going to slide down that route.

Also, in general, men have more muscle than women and can 'carry' weight a bit better (to a point and with obvious couch potato exceptions). A forty year old man with a beer gut but with decent muscle mass is likely a better catch than a 40 year old woman with typically (as a female) low muscle mass but high body fat. It simply has no support and goes south which in my opinion looks rotten.

As for 'post-pregnancy' fatness most men are pretty accepting of this I think so long as some effort is made in the medium-term. Nobody is expecting women to be in the gym the following week like. It is possible to bounce back and remain in good shape and remain attractive, stretchmarks and all. But a lot of women drop two kids, pack the career in, have an affair with carbs and five years later you're married to a significantly overweight partner who you no longer find attractive.

Take a stroll down Grafton street or any town center in Ireland and you'll see plenty of women of this body type. There's nothing aesthetically pleasing or in any way attractive about it. Even people who like fat women don't go after this type of fatness. It's a result of lazyness an poor diet, not age or any other piss poor excuse. A woman of 18 or 80 could have that body type or this one
. The difference is good diet, exercise and not using "being a full-time mommy" as an excuse.

Venus In Furs · 20-12-2014 7:32pm

Dean0088 wrote: »

Agreed with you that those comments are not on - expect the one about getting her pregnant and being stuck. I agree with that one because it's a personal nightmare scenario of mine. If that makes me a bad person then fair enough.

No it doesn't make you a bad person whatsoever - it's not the sentiments of those comments (there are two of them about that scenario) it's the language that was used to make them.

Most people know that men get fat too. But this thread is obviously about a bloke who (presumably anyways) has kept himself in shape and his OH hasn't. So obviously the discussion is going to slide down that route.

Also, in general, men have more muscle than women and can 'carry' weight a bit better (to a point and with obvious couch potato exceptions). A forty year old man with a beer gut but with decent muscle mass is likely a better catch than a 40 year old woman with typically (as a female) low muscle mass but high body fat. It simply has no support and goes south which in my opinion looks rotten.

Yeh I know this is about a woman, and I'd completely agree also that women are more likely to get fat than men. But the comments to the effect that *only* women/all women get fat when in a relationship are stupid and inflammatory.

As for 'post-pregnancy' fatness most men are pretty accepting of this I think so long as some effort is made in the medium-term. Nobody is expecting women to be in the gym the following week like. It is possible to bounce back and remain in good shape and remain attractive, stretchmarks and all. But a lot of women drop two kids, pack the career in, have an affair with carbs and five years later you're married to a significantly overweight partner who you no longer find attractive.

Yeh but I'm just saying sometimes a bit of pudgeyness is due to having kids, not due to letting herself go.

Take a stroll down Grafton street or any town center in Ireland and you'll see plenty of women of this body type. There's nothing aesthetically pleasing or in any way attractive about it. Even people who like fat women don't go after this type of fatness. It's a result of lazyness an poor diet, not age or any other piss poor excuse. A woman of 18 or 80 could have that body type or this one
. The difference is good diet, exercise and not using "being a full-time mommy" as an excuse.

Don't know why you're saying that to me tbh - I fully agree people shouldn't be expected to fancy people who put on a lot of weight and aren't bothered with their physical wellbeing.

Fukuyama · 20-12-2014 7:54pm

Venus In Furs wrote: »

Yeh I know this is about a woman, and I'd completely agree also that women are more likely to get fat than men. But the comments to the effect that *only* women/all women get fat when in a relationship are stupid and inflammatory.

I wouldn't put too much thought into comments posted on AH. The majority of the time they're either joking or actually designed to be inflammatory. Lots of people come to the Internet with an axe to grind.

Yeh but I'm just saying sometimes a bit of pudgeyness is due to having kids, not due to letting herself go.

Hmm... I agree and disagree. "Pudginess" could be from having a baby. Not from having kids.

In real life, if anyone took a shot at a woman's weight in the 6 months after giving birth they'd likely be told to shut the fcuk up and rightly so.

What about when the youngest is 5 or 6? Are kids still an excuse then?

Don't know why you're saying that to me tbh - I fully agree people shouldn't be expected to fancy people who put on a lot of weight and aren't bothered with their physical wellbeing.

I wasn't aiming it AT YOU... I've never met you. The first picture I posted was typical of "Irish mammies" if you ask me and not uncommon for women with kids a few years old.

With regard to the woman -vs- men thing, as lot of the time it's made out as though women have the raw deal. This is because a fat woman is (generally) less attractive than a fat man (generally).

However, if we flip the situation around, women have an easier time staying in shape as what would be a high body fat percentage on a man is actually quite trim on a woman.

For Example.

or

Range of BF %

The average woman could go up to 30% in bodyfat and still look pretty decent. Women can only really go down to 10%.

The average man would need to keep things down to 15-20% in order to stay looking 'trim'. Men can go down to 2% for short periods and can stay at 5% if REALLY active, for long periods.

Also, for a man to be really attractive the amount of eating, lifting and exercise needed is insane. It takes years of hard work to build up decent muscle mass and keep bodyfat to 10%. For women not engaged in sports, proper diet is usually enough.

braddun · 20-12-2014 7:56pm

break up

mfergus · 20-12-2014 7:58pm

You left her get too comfortable...
start over and don't make the same mistake

Venus In Furs · 20-12-2014 8:04pm

Dean0088 wrote: »

Hmm... I agree and disagree. "Pudginess" could be from having a baby. Not from having kids.

Meh, that's what I meant.

What about when the youngest is 5 or 6? Are kids still an excuse then?

No? I said pudginess on a woman isn't always due to letting herself go, it can be post pregnancy pudginess. And it's not an excuse, it's a reason.

Fukuyama · 20-12-2014 8:11pm

Venus In Furs wrote: »

Meh, that's what I meant.

No? I said pudginess on a woman isn't always due to letting herself go, it can be post pregnancy pudginess. And it's not an excuse, it's a reason.

All of the comments made on the thread had nothing to do with pregnancy. Those that had to do with kids were more about being trapped in a long term relationship (due to kids) with a fat woman, not that the kids made her fat.

It's very clearly about women who just get fat and become unfcukable to the point of having a BF % north of 40%. At that point they've likely done permanent damage and I wouldn't blame a bloke for deciding to leave in search of greener pastures. Becoming a personal trainer isn't something people sign up for with a relationship.

Comments about obesity might be hurtful but IMO they're better than the outright lies people whisper to fat people telling them it's normal or okay or a result of their hormones or whatever.

Venus In Furs · 20-12-2014 8:17pm

Dean0088 wrote: »

I wouldn't blame a bloke for deciding to leave in search of greener pastures.

I wouldn't either.

Comments about obesity might be hurtful

No, not necessarily - it depends on how the comments are worded.
Nothing nasty about telling someone you're close to that you're worried about them because they've become so overweight, or that you're becoming less attracted to them if they're your partner.
If someone is hurt by that, their interpretation is the problem, not the comment. Hurtful comments usually have the intention of being hurtful. An uncomfortable truth isn't always intended to be hurtful though.

We mostly agree with each other!

Yeh people saying to others that it's ok to be really overweight etc is such crap. Funny how when people then lose weight, the same people are congratulating them and saying they look fantastic.

Fukuyama · 20-12-2014 8:26pm

Venus In Furs wrote: »

I wouldn't either.

No, not necessarily - it depends on how the comments are worded.
Nothing nasty about telling someone you're close to that you're worried about them because they've become so overweight, or that you're becoming less attracted to them if they're your partner.
If someone is hurt by that, their interpretation is the problem, not the comment. Hurtful comments usually have the intention of being hurtful. An uncomfortable truth isn't always intended to be hurtful though.

We mostly agree with each other!

Yeh people saying to others that it's ok to be really overweight etc is such crap. Funny how when people then lose weight, the same people are congratulating them and saying they look fantastic.

Haha okay. Well I guess we agree.

the last part is pretty interesting and is actually the main thing that pi55es me off when it comes to obesity.

I'm not for actually insulting people but I think sugar-coating home truths takes the sting out of them. The sting is often whats needed because fat people are often quite delusional (I mean - they see themselves every day and still make no effort). I've seen this delusion up close in my own family. They often subtly beg for confirmation that they're okay and society's "standards" are to blame.

We have this kind of double-speak where anyone that's fat is moddy coddled and told "they're fine" etc... so their delusions are confirmed as fact. But when they lose weight (on the off-chance) everyone congratulates them. However, outright tell someone they need to drop around 50 pounds in order to be attractive and you're worse than Hitler despite the fact that you're the only person who's actually being honest with an adult.

Tell a smoker to quite smoking and you're some kind of Health God.

I don't know.

Venus In Furs · 20-12-2014 8:29pm

I wouldn't tell someone I don't really know though (in the same way that I wouldn't tell someone I don't really know that they're unhealthily thin-looking - it's far rarer, but I can think immediately of two such people; they're not healthily slim, they look emaciated) but I wouldn't say to them that obesity is fine either. I'd just say nothing.